


Iris Idol | Part 1: A Birth of a Goddess

by GoldenUriel



Series: Iris Idol [1]
Category: K-pop, Kpop - Fandom, Original Work, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Idol AU, Idol!AU, Like the slowest ever, M/M, Multi, Other, POV Alternating, Self Insert, Sexual Harassment, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-08-23 21:09:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 125,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20224720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenUriel/pseuds/GoldenUriel
Summary: Luck is on my side as I am chosen to take part in BigHit's competition show to create its first ever co-ed k-pop group made from international beauties, singers, dancer, and rappers. Each one of us represent a diety from some mythos. Will I make it to the end?





	1. The Discovery

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I'm doing for fun and just decided to upload it here as well. It's going to be at least five parts each containing ~20 chapters.

So I had been talking about going abroad for vacation for some time now. Years, it seems but I just didn’t have the time or money to do so. Then I dropped out of college. I just hated the routine and boring classes. Every time I went on campus, I felt like I was wasting my time, so I stopped. Dropped out and then spent some time finding myself.

I booted up my YouTube channel again and began posting covers like I used to along with videos updating my life and such. I don’t know how it happened, but I did a video about how I got into K-pop and my favorite groups. It went viral and most of the comments were good. A few ignorant people here and there, but nothing I couldn’t handle with a block button.

Some of my new followers posted my video on twitter and tagged seval companies. As if they were going to watch it. I just mentioned in my next video not to do that because it was just embarrassing and kinda dumb in my opinion. Followers asked if I would ever do a k-pop cover.

~~~~~~~~

Thinking about it, I said yeah. So I recorded five videos and chose an easy song for me to do because I wasn’t gonna be uploading while learning the music. I made sure there was an instrumental that worked too. For the next month, I practiced learning and filmed some aesthetic shots to add to the video.

Then I sat in front of my camera and pressed record. It probably wasn’t the best pronunciation, but I did my best. My favorite part was dressing up for it. I had a lot of flashy clothes and costumes that I had never been able to use before in videos so it made me so happy.

Editing and six weeks after I got that comment, I had my first k-pop cover uploaded on my channel. I didn’t think much about things until I got a notification on my instagram. Someone I did not know messaged me in choppy English asking if I wanted to join an international Ulzzang competition. They thought I was cute based on my video and thought I would do well.

I said sure and took a few cute pictures of myself. Head shots, full body, inside, outside. Each week had a different theme. If we’re being completely honest, I thought I would have been kicked out for being plus sized and darker and basically the complete opposite of Korean beauty standards.

Most of the other girls and guys were beautiful beyond words. German, Swedish, Russian, Australian models and then me. Yeah, there were girls from all over Africa and America who were black or darker skinned but only like two of them looked anything like me. Maybe Korea’s standards were changing.

The person who sent me the original message would always compliment me and we’d talk back and forth. They seemed to be rather busy, though. We barely talked for five or ten minutes before they had to go do something. Also time zones were a thing.

It wasn’t until I woke up in the middle of the night to my phone vibrating like mad. No text messages, just notifications on like every social media platform I had– you know, except this one. I was one of the finalists in the International Ulzzang competition. Looking at my latest picture, it had gotten over 100,000 likes.

The photo only had a saturation filter and had the usual edit of a higher contrast because that was what I liked. The theme had been Deify Me, and we had to dress up and take photos styled to make us look like gods and goddesses. It had been really fun to go through the tag and see all the gods from different cultures being shown off.

It had to be three different pics: Face, hair, and full body. How did I beat out that drop dead beautiful Korean boy who was a freckled JeoSeung Saja? I couldn’t believe my eyes! I turned on my camera and fluffed my fro before being the tired self I was. I probably had drool on my face and so much eye crust, but ANYWAYS. I was just so happy and was just a gushing mess.

I deleted most of that footage and made a proper thank you video. I made it a point to let viewers know it wasn’t just about “being pretty” or saying the way others perceive me was equal to how I valued myself. It was just amazing to be found attractive when you had been raised to believe that everything you were–black, fat, natural hair–was considered ugly or undesirable.

“So, don’t let people define you by your physical traits. You may think you’re the ugliest person on this plant, and you might not even be attractive to me, but there is someone out there. Probably a lot of people who think you’re the most beautiful person in the world. Beauty isn’t everything, but it sure as hell helps.”

About an hour later, I had gone viral. Everyone not even in the Ulzzang community was talking about Iris, the goddess of color who had graced their feed. I had to take a break from social media for like two whole weeks because it was all so much. I’d only return to make sure I didn’t miss any important messages and to block some haters.

Then I got a message from what seemed to be a fan account for BigHit’s founder. Of course, Bang PD himself wouldn’t be messaging me, so I decided to humor him.

  


So, his big plan was to gather a group of 12 artists and turn them into Deities for a competition show called Deify. He was really pushing the Idol image here, huh? There would only be 5 at the end, and they’d get to debut as part of a co-ed and hopefully international group under BigHit. I would be Iris, of course. If I said yes, then I could be an actor even if I didn’t make it into the final five.

I said yes. Of course I did. To be an actor. To be a singer. To be under BigHit if even for a moment? I asked when I could pack my bags.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If we’re honest, it took a while to convince my mom even after getting her in contact with two different reps for the company. She did say yes, though. I’d be emailed the ticket info and all that jazz by next month. For that entire month, I lived, breathed, and ate the Korean language.

I had been studying it a bit before with my mom, but it was way more intense now since I had to actually study and get fluent in it for a job. It was a slim chance that I’d be successful since I was not Korean in any way shape or form. I’ve heard the horror stories of non-Asian and non-Korean idols who tried their hands at the idol life.

That didn’t matter enough for me to not take this chance. I began having constant contact with a guy named Kyung who would be the manager in charge of me as well as Namil who was an American working at the company and helped with a lot of translation and details that native Koreans could easily overlook.

June 18th, I woke up early with bags packed and got ready for my plane rides. Yep, multiple. I wore a pair of black combat boots with black floral leggings and a blue cold shoulder dress. I had a wide black waist cincher on as well, but I just put it on before getting off the airplane. I wanted to travel comfortably, and that wasn’t it.

A guards who went by Li and Manager Kyung were waiting for me fresh off the plane with my English name on a light up tablet. I approached him and bowed. People around were curious about this foreigner surrounded by cameras and had a professional looking man waiting for her.

“I hope your flights went well. We’re headed straight to the dorms, and two more will be arriving soon. It might be light by the time we go outside.”

“So, we’re riding together, all three of us?”

He nodded, “Yes. Is that alright?”

“Yes. Of course.” I said and then went to baggage claim.

A few moments later, I felt a presence near me. A taller black man with blue hair and a knock off Versace jacket but real black and clean Jordans was standing behind me just an inch too close. We smiled at each other and then went to watching the luggage. Had he been on the flight with me? My navy blue pieces came around and I grabbed the duffle bag first and then two others. The guy saw one piece about to go back in and grabbed it for me.

“Thanks.” I said in English.

“You’re welcome.” He replied in Korean.

I helped him by getting a luggage trolly for him. Then I went to where Kyung had told me–in front of a gate where one of the other members would be coming out from. It was still dark outside, but I could see the first fingers of sunlight begin to stretch above the horizon.

It was another girl according to what Kyung said before I went to get my luggage. We’d all exchange money to won together and stuff like that. Li helped me find my way to the right gate now that he was out of the bathroom.

Manager Kyung was seated, so I sat across from him and went through some Korean flashcards on my phone. I wasn’t super comfy around him yet since it was our first time meeting in person, so I didn’t start any conversations. He smiled at me and then stood as if something caught his eye.

“Ah, James, glad you got here ok. Manager Sunhi was sick today, so she couldn’t meet you at your gate. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

“괜찮아. I just hope she feels better soon.” It was the blue haired boy from earlier. He made eye contact with me. “Hello again. Thanks for the cart. I’m James.” He held his hand out to me.

I shook it, “Farai. So you’re a trainee too?”

“Yep. All the way from–”

“Cali.” I cut him off accidentally. “It’s sorta obvious.”

He chuckled, “Maybe I am. And you’re from…wait, lemme guess. Pennsylvania?”

“Ddaeng! Sweet Home Alabama!” I corrected.

“But you don’t have an accent.”

“Just didn’t pick one up.” I replied with a shrug.

James smiled, “Makes sense.”

Having cameras on us was kinda weird, but we’d get used to it. We began to speak awful and choppy Korean to each other since we were both pretty new to it. There were things I wanted to ask, but decided to wait for the third to arrive before asking.

“I got a text.” Manager Namil said. “She’s landed.”

Mine and James’s things had been taken to the van already. We stood and went closer to her gate. I couldn’t get a good look at the name on the tablet, but it was clear we were looking for a foreigner. Easier said than…done. Straight blonde hair, long ass nails, it was her for sure. When she saw the tablet and sped up her pace, it was confirmed. This was the girl who would be joining us.

James and I gave each other a look that said it all: Bougie. Also. Why were we all black Americans? Even she paused for a second and made eye contact with the two of us. James nodded.

She spoke, “Namil~did you really schedule all the negroes for the same day?”

He replied, “No, no! I assure you this wasn’t on purpose. We had another New Yorker, but she had some passport problems and had to take a later flight.”

Kyung stepped in, “So, now that we’re all here, Imani, meet James and Farai. They’ll be your fellow trainees.”

We bowed to each other. Her luggage was collected and then we all changed our dollars for won before getting into the car with our managers. I turned on my social mode. We talked a bit about our hometowns and how we were discovered and contacted as the sun came up over Seoul. They were surprised to see my Ulzzang life.

Then I asked what had been on my mind for a while, “What styles of music do you guys do?”

“Hip hop all the way, baby!” Imani said. “Jessi is legit my sista from anotha mista. My Spirit Animal if you will.”

I gave a small laugh. She smiled at me for getting her joke.

James replied, “Some pop but also mostly hip-hop. Raised on it, y’know.”

“You?” Imani asked, fixing her pink fur coat.

“Rock and musicals.” I responded. “I’m into a lot of music, but vocally trained myself in those styles since I watched a ton of musicals since I was a kid.”

Namil spoke up, “Breath control for days!”

Digging deeper into my ‘caucacity’ as Imani put it, they found out that I wasn’t well versed in rap verses unless they came from Hamilton. James got into that musical as well due to all the hip hop references but Imani had prejudice in her body language. I could feel her disapproval in her 18 year old glare.

At 9am, we got to the dorms where there were 12 hooks. Blue and pink keys hung on some while five of the hooks were already empty. Imnai and I grabbed pink and took off the sticker covering the room symbol. James grabbed blue and did the same. There was a white star on mine, so I went upstairs with the lightest piece of luggage I had while a cameraman followed behind me.

A door with the words Diary Room was reflected in the hall mirror, oh, now, it was just a map of the building. The Diary Room was in the basement and the map was on a bathroom door. Then I went down the other hall and saw a white star to my left. So far, I had seen four cameras. Definitely for a TV show.

“Of course.” Imani said when I stopped in front of the door.

What did that even mean? Whatever. She went into the blue star room. There seemed to be someone setting up her stuff already, so I let myself be known.

“Hello?” I called in Korean noticing the camera in the corner turning to look at me. “I’m your roommate.” I had practiced that phrase several times, so I hope I said it correctly.

A person taller than me was wearing a silver wig smiled, “Hello!” They bowed. “Nice to meet you.” They stood nervously.

I bowed back. My mind said MAN, but the key meant WOMAN. Managers even said the girls were upstairs, but it wasn’t my place to decide what they were or were not.

“I’m Farai. Nice to meet you.”

“I’m Jun. Same here…You’re not looking at me strangely.”

“What do you mean?” I asked as I set down my luggage and checked out my closet. The room was pretty bare.

Jun answered, “I usually get judged and questioned during first meetings. You’re just curious as I’m sure anyone would be, but you’re not being judgey.”

“I’m a theatre kid, and I know you probably get questioned every day. I’m sure it gets annoying pretty quickly. I do have one question though.”

“Yea?”

“Girl or guy pronouns? I just don’t wanna get it wrong.”

They beamed, “Any and all! I literally do not care. Mix ‘em up in the same sentence if you want to. How old are you?”

“I’m 20 years old.”

“Twenty-two. Call me unnie or oppa. I’ll answer to either.”

“Ok, unnie.”

We proceeded to set things up, stuff we brought from home or bought at the airport. She had a lot of black items on her bed but usually with glitter or something cutesy printed on it as well. Also, several plushies while I just had a Koya I won in an online raffle and my lion that I named Leo. Don’t at me.

“So, do you have a deity yet?” Jun asked.

“I’m pretty sure I’ll be the one I went viral for portraying.” I replied while typing in the wifi code into my phone. “Iris”

She asked what I meant, so I showed her. He followed my insta and gushed over my photo saying I’d be THE visual of the group because of how drop dead gorgeous I looked. He would be a deity I had never heard about before. Lan Caihe, a genderfluid deity from Chinese lore which made sense seeing that Jun was in fact Chinese.

Lan Caihe was one of the Eight Immortals that helped to spread Daoist teachings but was one of the more unknown ones as they were rather eccentric. All of the info about them was rather the same. Loved to sing and dance as a way to earn just enough money for food and wine and rested in fields and gave any extra coins to those who needed it. They’re rarely noted outside of a group context, however. Jun wanted to change that.

I beamed, “You’re a genius, Jun.”

“Thanks.” He giggled.

The two of us explored the top floor since I couldn’t stop staring at the door. We could only leave our rooms once our roommate was here, so I was eager to check everything out. I noticed the halls were more colorful and aesthetic friendly than the rooms which had the bare minimum for living: bed, nightstand (to share), and a closet for each of us. We’d get to know each other well.

There was a red room at the end of the hallway with a mod pod to sit in. It hung from the ceiling and took a small step stool to get into. Red, white, and black was the color scheme. Looked nice. Red roses were on one of the coffee tables. I sprawled on the white couch nearest the left. It was so comfy. Scarlet pillows and a HUGE TV screen drew my attention from my horizontal position.

I noticed a hallway with two doors. One was the second bathroom on this floor and the other was locked. A keypad and a physical key would be needed to get inside. Well then.

We started to walk down the hallway towards the stairs, and I wanted to check the Diary Room downstairs, but it was also locked. Very Big Brother.

“They’ll probably document our thoughts during this whole thing, don’t you think?” He spoke, looking at the door.

“I agree.”

On the balcony, Imani was taking selfies near the hot tub. HOT TUB? A girl with long sunny blonde hair was posing with her, must’ve been her roommate. Whoever she was, her face made my heart stop for a moment. Jun nudged me with a smirk.

“Hello, ladies!” My roomie turned on the charm.

“Who are you, sis?” Imani asked, looking at the tall beauty. “Are you a girl?”

“Yes and no.” He replied.

I spoke up, “Jun, meet Imani. We rode here together with a third. Imani, this is Jun. We’re rooming together.”

Jun bowed to her while the beautiful girl bowed to me. I bowed back after a millisecond since I had no idea who was older and it was the polite and proper thing to do.

She smiled at me, “You’re hair is so pretty! I’m Alice.”

“I’m Farai. Your accent, is it–”

“Aussie? Yes. I was raised there since dad wanted to move in with mum. Been there ever since sometimes comin’ ova here for holidays and such.”

We headed inside and I noted the fireplace in the middle of four three seaters. Part of me wished there was a hammock, but also that would have been quite dangerous. As the four of us went downstairs, James was heading up with his roomie who had long white hair. He seemed to be the only full Korean so far, but still so different than the idol standard. A laundry room near the bathroom and a teal and white lounge room with green accents right under our red room.

As I was called by Alice to answer whether the poufs were kiwis or cucumbers, a new guest arrived. We all crowded near the main doorway to see another cutie. This time with medium length black hair and blue contacts. All of us stared as he nervously waved and went to his room. We giggled like high school girls after sharing glances. Now he looked like an idol.

After his door closed, we went back to the living room. The kitchen was nice and the pantry had bunches of room.

“How many came in?” The white haired boy asked as he came down the stairs with James behind him.

“Just one.” Imani responded.

I added, “So we have two girls and one guy left?”

Jun pondered, “I wonder if they’ll all show today?”

“Sowoo said that everyone should be here before lunch today.” James’s roommate said. “I’m Hyojoon by the way. Nice to meet you.”

We bowed and introduced ourselves once more. He showed up with Jun when he got here around midnight last night. Alice noticed cake on the table. All six of us sat and ate a slice or two until there were nine left. I continued unpacking and then took a quick nap once I made a list of things I’d need to buy.

-Lamp  
-Comforter  
-Laundry basket  
-Pillow cases

We were told that we would be getting a chance to shop with a discount soon by the managers since it seemed like multiple people were asking. There was a knock on the bedroom door. Jun was calling my name. I didn’t wanna wake up, but she rushed in, waking me by force.

“Iris! Look–Can you be–there is–LOOK!”

A short androgynous person stood behind her. Another genderfluid member of the house. Why was everyone so attractive? Right. We were going to be idols. We had to be cute.

“Hi. I’m Farai, but you can call me Iris.” I stood after yawning.

“Loki, m’lady.” They bowed and kissed my hand. “He/him or they/them pronouns, please.”

I nodded, “I’m glad you two have each other.” My eyes met Jun. “You’ll worry less now, won’t you? Now that there’s someone who can understand you better.”

She beamed and nodded, “Right! I won’t worry as much. I’m just so happy! I thought I’d be the only one!”

The sound of a sliding door. That was the third one in two hours. Two before I went to sleep and one now. Wait. It was the last member! I quickly opened the door and a small studious looking Korean girl was being aided by the cute boy from earlier and James. We all bowed to the new girl as she passed by. A few minutes later, and all our phones went off while Jun fixed my makeup post-nap.

We had all been added to a group chat: Deities.

The twelve of us were told by Sowoo that we had to use our deity names in chat as well as only face pics to make it easier for everyone. I chose a month old selfie of me in my pink ribbon sweater for the first time. Once that was done, we were told to meet in the living room in 30 minutes ready to eat lunch.

I looked at the boys as they began to return to the downstairs area but then we passed by to go to the red room and they followed. The tall Korean with blue contacts waited until I was sitting to approach me. He didn’t say anything for a moment. I was probably one of the first black girls he had ever seen in person, especially with natural hair.

“I don’t think we’ve met yet.” He bowed. “I’m Tristan. My deity is Haemosu.”

“Iris. Nice to meet you.” I bowed back. “Tristan is one of my favorite names.”

He smiled, “I’m glad.”

I asked who Haemosu was. Tristan replied that he was basically the Korean version of Apollo and then asked my age. I was two years older than him.

“Noona!” He giggled. “You’re my noona.”

“You’re so cute.” I couldn’t help but comment at his dazzling smile.

We spoke about simple things. Parents. Pets. Siblings, etc. until it was time to get together for food. I noticed his Hamilton socks and smiled to myself. The aura changed once I noticed a pair of camera operators who stood behind the couch and under the staircase

Tristan sat on the L shaped couch, “Noona, sit next to me, please!”

I did after bowing to the cameras and the four managers–Kyung, Namil, Sowoo, and Soojin. Each manager was in charge of three people. The coffee table was now full of traditional Korean takeout. Smells of grease and teriyaki filled the air.

“Ah, Iris, here’s the vegetarian one for you and for you Lyssa, as well.” Namil handed us styrofoam boxes and chopsticks.

So Lyssa was Alice’s goddess name. This meal was just an official get to know each other session. Name, stage name, where we were from, age, and preferred pronounces for those who wanted them to be respected. Most everyone was 18+ other than Imani and Dongmin, a chubby Chinese-Japanese boy who said it was strange to not eat in front of a webcam. He did mukbangs back home and sang during livestreams.

We were a diverse group. All different shades and sizes. Would we have to shrink in order to fit the kpop mold before us? I wanted to lose some weight to be my ideal size, but it wasn’t the same wasn’t the same waist as other female idols. I’d worry about that later. Everyone ate and slurped down the meal and we had coffee afterwards like any Korean would. Then, just as things become more comfy, Soojin spoke above the chatter.

“After you’re done with coffee, it’s time to go shopping. You must stay with your roommate at all times for safety. At least be able to see each other if not side by side. This challenge is to help you become familiar with the surrounding area.” She met our eyes one by one.

Kyung handed us new phones with some pre-downloaded apps all in Korean, subway/bus cards, as well as a shopping card. It was about $1.5k for each of us; $3k per room. I didn’t think I’d need more than maybe $200 for what I needed, but we also were given bonus items to buy for the whole house.

“I know you’re tired, but it’s a simple task. Stay within your budgets and we’ll all meet u at dinner later. Now, go get ready and we’ll have cars to take you all to the mall.”

Team White Star (Jun and I) had to put together a first aid kit.

“A first aid kit?” Jun questioned as we picked jackets to wear out. The list had been sent to our phones.

I added, “Yep. Enough to heal 12 people. Hopefully, there area lot of 10 packs and we can buy two.”

“Why two?”

“To stock up and stuff. Some injuries make take more than one application of like bandaids or something.”

He hugged me out of the blue, “You’re so kind, Iris!”

I wasn’t sure what he meant, but smiled anyways. The two of us then got out of the car and went to get our bedroom stuff first. IKEA was great! Jun and I decided to get the golden leaf lamp. She and I followed that train of style. I did gold and white while she did gold and black by getting a nightstand to follow his theme. I got a cute gold and pink mat for my bed because the floor would be cold when I woke up. Each room had to make our own makeup station as well. We got one white and gold stool and one black and gold one for ours and a three paneled mirror vanity.

Everyone of us got a small staff of three people to carry things back home for us and start assembling. It was fun bumping into one of the other housemates and see what their personal style was. Alice got a lot of nautical themed things for what I could tell. Hyojoon started to pick up a rustic looking gas lamp looking thing, but then James showed him a more normal lamp for their room and he abandoned his own interesting one.

I didn’t think much of it and got a white comforter with golden polka dots for my bed. When we went to check out, everything came up to ~2k. We did splurge a bit and get some cute things so that our spaces would look completely opposite from each other. For the aesthetic.

Then the two of us split up just a bit so that I could find directions to a pharmacy and Jun could tell the assembly team where she wanted the vanity. I stood near the street and there were no sidewalks. It was the least crowded place where I wouldn’t have to worry about bumping into other people. A hand grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the way of a car. I must’ve been too focused on getting directions and wandered.

“Are you deaf!” Imani asked.

“Huh?” I stared at her blankly.

She huffed, “You were about to become a chocolate pancake! The car was honking and I was calling your name, but you didn’t even move! God, you’re an idiot!” Imani flipped her hair and stormed off with Alice beside her.

I didn’t get a chance to thank her. Jun walked up to me and asked if I was ok since she had seen the whole things. I was fine.

He then turned to look at Imani, “She did a good think, so IDK why she got mad at you. Anyways, did you find a pharmacy?”

I nodded and off we went. We only had three hours before we had to meet at the restaurant for dinner and the place was 20 minutes away. Things had to be dropped off at home before we met up. We hauled ass, but stopped for ice cream on the way.

Lan Caihe (Jun) and I showed up at the eatery the same time as Sooja and Gina as well as Nawoo and Matthew. We all sat at the table in the reserved room we were lead to after being congratulated for being on time. Never in my life had I used so much Korean. My brain was tired, and it was overanalyzing all my mistakes in formality and grammar. I just sorta sat in the corner like a frozen computer.

“Jun-ah?” I asked as we waited for the others, not realizing he was talking to others. “Did I do well today?”

I had never asked for approval since I know it’d get truth rather than support, but my thoughts were becoming mean and needed another voice to set it straight since my own wasn’t loud enough.

She smiled, “Are you still worrying over getting the wrong ointment, Iris?”

I nodded.

My roomie put her hand on my shoulder, “You did great, Farai. Korean is not a first language for either of us. You got what we needed and knew the word for it. I didn’t even know how to say bandages in Korean. You did.”

I sighed, “Thanks, unnie.”

Namil and Sowoo asked what we were talking about and Lan Caihe explained. Within the next 10 minutes, all 12 of us plus our managers and 5 different cameras were in the room to film and eat. The winners were Imani and Alice since they had to travel the most and didn’t get lost. We all applauded and then plodded of to bed after getting driven back home.

I was wiping off my makeup and Jun was picking out tomorrow’s outfit when we were told to put on bathing suits and meet on the balcony in 10. I put on my teal floral one piece and tied up Jun’s bikini before we headed out to see what was up. A dessert table with sparkling cider was set up against the railing. More cameras and the hot tub turned on and lit up.

We were expected to party. So all 12 of us piled in the huge bubbling bath and did cheers with plastic glass all filled up with sparkling cider. It was a bit squished, so my right side was pressed against Tristan. He put his arm behind me, resting on the edge of the hot tub but not touching my skin.

Igong aka Hyojoon raised his glass and stood in the middle, “To our future and a successful first day together. Cheers!”

“Cheers!” We echoed and clinked glasses.

We went on for about an hour before things started to break off. It had been a long day after all. I was one of the first to turn in after a quick shower. Although It was my first night in a new place, I fell asleep quickly. To our future. If this was our first day, then this was gonna be an extremely exhausting career path. I wasn’t yet ready but I’d get there.


	2. Busy Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting ready for a show has made me a busy busy girl. There are all sorts of meetings and stuff I have to go to. I got a new phone just for a groupchat with the other contestants. I hope I can make some more friends

### 6:47am, Monday

Jun woke me up by calling my name and shaking my arm gently.

“Yea?” I replied to the action.

“It’s day two, Iris. We got work to do. Get your makeup on and check the text you got from your manager.”

I sighed with my eyes closed, “Does it have to be now?”

She pulled my arm to get me to sit up, “Yes. Yes you do. It’s almost 7 and our schedules start at 7:30.”

I groaned but also laughed. It was funny how close we had gotten in less than 24 hours of knowing each other even existed. She shoved my phone in my hand and started to get ready with a towel around her waist.

My whole day was planned out. Good for me. Then again, I didn’t have too much time to get camera ready, but I was lucky the bathroom was free. How could a place have 12 people but only four bathrooms? Maybe there’d be a rule about that that was overlooked or went on the lower end of? Either way, we needed another one.

I decided to wash my hair too even though it’d take forever to dry and I was short on time. It’d be better for 9 o’clock anyways. It was around 7:25 when I was fully dressed and finished my makeup. I took two minutes to dry my hair as I walked downstairs to the basement and then knocked on the door.

“Come in~” a sweet voice sounded.

The Diary Room was unlocked.

They blow dried my hair for me, so that was great. Basically, it was my intro video for the show. Same thing as lunch yesterday. Just more info and then they had me share my experience with the challenge of getting around town. Then off to my first style meeting. I took the bus and had too much energy stored up inside to sit down. The bus was easy and simple. The train was not.

### 8:35am, Monday

I got to a four floor black and white building. Seemed like the building couldn’t have been even 5 years old. I walked in and looked at the directory. It seemed like I was meant to go to the 3rd floor for wardrobe. I got in and pressed the button for the third floor. I was met by a young man that sort of looked like Key from SHINee with Minho’s eyes but with a bronzed complexion and curly hair.

His name was Sirab, and he told me to go get changed into a tank top and form fitting shorts which was easy since I was already wearing a tank top under my dress shirt. My exact measurements were taken by a petite old Korean woman who hummed trot songs as she measured and poked and tapped parts I needed to move so that she could do her job properly. She didn’t tell me her name when I asked.

Sirab returned and gave me a tablet so that I could take a short quiz, but the lack of length made it even more important. It was only 10 questions. He told me things might change over time and that these weren’t set in stone, but I still took my time to think over my answers before deciding.

#### 10 words/phrases to describe your style

1.Comfortable  
2.Colorful  
3.Sheer  
4.Eclectic  
5.Short sleeves  
6.Statement pieces  
7.Flowy  
8.Glam rock  
9.Graphic tees  
10.Secure

It seemed like most of them were tap and pick. When I tapped on a selection, it became paler and more faded.

#### CHOOSE 9 Shirts

#### CHOOSE 8 bottoms

#### CHOOSE 7 shoes

#### CHOOSE 6 styles

#### CHOOSE 5 colors

#### CHOOSE 4 fabrics

Muslin  
Velvet  
**Denim**  
Chiffon  
Crepe  
Tweed  
Felt  
**Lace**  
**Silk**  
Flannel  
Corduroy  
Leather  
Wool  
**Fur/Faux Fur**  
Jersey

#### CHOOSE 3 earrings

#### NAME 2 Style inspirations

1\. Adam Lambert (~2009) 2. Jeongyeon (TWICE)

#### Give me 1 style rule I have to follow. You can tell me in person.

I decided to tell him in person, “I have a high…er large butt. A lot of my clothes don’t cover the upper part of it so much so that I call it my second butt. When I wear skirts, it tends to hike up in the back.” I tried to explain the best I could. “So when choosing skirts, I’d like more of a high-low design even if it’s just the back is slightly lower so that it evens out when I wear it.”

He took notes on the iPad, “Ok. Any others? I ask for one so that you’ll say the biggest clothes stressor you have, but I do want to know all of them.”

That was good. I told him about everything that came to mind from how I didn’t want low earrings because they’d freak me out because I would think they were bugs to how I could wear any heels as long as they were thick since I felt more stable. He thanked me for my time once were were done and said that he liked the outfit I was wearing now.

“I’m very glad you aren’t stuck in ‘dressing for your size’ or whatever. You should wear what makes you happy, and it seems like you do.” He smiled. “Anyways, have a good day, Iris.”

We bowed, and I walked up the stairs to the 4th floor to where it looked like a salon. A few people were already getting their hair done. None were deities from what I could tell. I bowed to a middle aged woman named Kei. To say I was skeptical about a non black person doing my hair would be putting it lightly. I was scared she was gonna grab the straightener right off the bat.

Still, I sat in the chair and she went through my hair with her fingers. I flinched when she went up. She apologized and said that she was testing my scalp sensitivity. Then Miss Kei made notes and said she needed to give me a fast acting anti-dandruff routine.

“I’m sure you’ve been anticipating this, so I’ll ask you outright. How do you feel about straightening your hair and wigs? I just need to know my limits.” She looked at me in the mirror’s reflection.

I answered, “I’ve never straightened my hair before. My mom was very adamant about that. Maybe later, but not a go to. I’d rather wigs.”

She nodded, “Ok. Is this your hair combed out or just washed?”

“Just washed. I didn’t have time to comb it out this morning.”

“Do you use hair picks?”

“Not for years, but I used to.”

“Okie dokie, that’s good to know. What have you done style wise?”

I spouted off the list, “I’ve done dual puffs, a puff mohawk, and I do twists and twist outs from time to time. Also, I usually keep the right side shorter than the left and do an asymmetrical part.” My fingers touched the side.

She took notes and asked about my sleep protection. Ok, she knew what was up. She knew more than me, at least. I didn’t have one or wear a night bonnet. Kei handed me a silk one from a drawer. Then she gave me a night routine to do. Large twists. I’d probably get one from my makeup artist as well, a night routine not large twists.

“It’s funny.” Kei commented. “You’re completely different from Imani when it comes to hair. Her’s is straightened and dyed and your’s is not. Both of you need to moisturize your scalps more though.”

“Oh, really?”

She nodded and then handed me a piece of paper, “Here are the products I recommend. The ones with hearts next to them mean don’t get cheap versions of them or it’ll do more harm than good.”

I nodded, “Thank you!”

“You’re welcome. When is your next schedule?”

I looked at my phone, “In fifteen minutes, and I wanna be there as early as possible.”

“Ah, ok.” Kei rubbed her chin. “We’ll schedule a second meeting and get rid of your split ends. It doesn’t take too long, but you’re busy today. See you later!”

We bowed to each other and then I took the elevator to the second floor where I met with Ed Aquino who’d be my makeup artist. First thing he did after greeting me was get my butt in a chair and take off my makeup to moisturize my face while asking why I didn’t. He was very straight forward.

“I do…just not regularly. I’ve been doing it more frequently the last six months.”

“But still not everyday, and also not with anything of substance.”

He was right and gave me two different routines, day and night. They were each like 10 items long. He handed me a bag with all the items inside. Then Ed asked how I usually did my makeup since I was now bare faced.

My reply, “Nothing too special. Just foundation, red lipstick, and black winged liner. Sometimes I do highlighter, but I always feel it’s too much or looks wrong.”

So he had me show him how I did it. I had done it with cotton balls before getting actual brushes…two weeks ago.

Ed grinned once I put the brush and mirror down, “You’re done? Oh thank goodness. Ok. Here’s how we fix everything you just did.” and he got a focused look on his face.

He explained what he did as he went along and said he’d send me videos to watch and practice the basics. When we were done, I looked good. I looked really good. Also, I could still recognize myself in the mirror which I liked.

“I based this look on your viral Iris photo on SNS. There’s a lot or reflecting of light, and we’re gonna bring that into your looks by using a lot of different highlighters and glitter. That sound good to you?”

I nodded, “Sure does. I can’t stop looking at myself.”

Ed grinned, “All in a day’s work!” He laughed. “I’m glad. We’ll talk about nails later today. I just have to talk to Sirab about what he has in store for you to find a good default color. For now, I just need to see how well this look lasts and figure out if I need to tweek anything.” He lowered my chair. “For now, you’re free to go.”

The door opened, “Hello?” It was James.

“Over here, Anubis. Grab a chair.”

He started to move past me and did a double take, “Oh, annyeonghassaeyo pretty laday.”

“James, it’s me.” I said, allowing a small smile but also rolling my eyes at his idiotic antics.

“Damn, gurl.” He said and leaned in to look at my face. “Highlighter on fleek! Talk about a glowup.”

I laughed, “You crazy, but thanks. I gotta go find the studio.”

James replied, “Ah, was just there. Purple haired PD is a bit touchy, but don’t get intimidated. Say what you need to.”

“Yikes, not the tips I wanted to hear, but thanks.” I grabbed my purse and face products and began to walk out. “Have fun!”

### 10:50, Monday

Following the instructions in the group chat, I walked half a block and ended up in front of a pretty snazzy four story building. Once I gave my info to the secretary, I was given a pass and told which floor to go to. I checked myself in the elevator mirror. Eyeshadow wasn’t cracking yet, so I was still as flawless as ever. It went well with my pink dress shirt with small gray hearts on it.

I knocked on the door and it was opened just a sliver. I unclipped the pass from my light colored ripped jeans and showed the person. I was allowed in to see three men and a tomboy redhead girl. I recognized her as Adora. Thank goodness there was another woman. There was a young man with lavender hair and an undercut.

“Iris, right?” a man with a square jaw and almond like eyes spoke first.

“Yes,” I replied. “Yes, sir.” I added when met by disapproving glares.

Maybe it was just my imagination.

“How good are you at Korean?” Pdogg asked.

My eyes met his, “I’m only a beginner, sir.”

The one looking at some papers spoke up, I couldn’t recall his name, “Above average breath control. Self taught. Musicals and rock influence. Alto 2. Is that right?” He raised an eyebrow at me.

I nodded, “It is, sir.”

“Call me oppa. Yujin-oppa.” Not touchy yet but a bit too familiar. “I’m new here too. The others are Adora, Supreme Boi, and Pdogg.”

I bowed to them, “Nice to meet you. I’m in your care.”

Supreme Boi turned his chair around, “Put your stuff there, and let’s do some warm ups.”

Yujin-oppa kept his hands above my waist and on my back as he helped give me a basic rundown of what was inside the booth. On and off for the mic and pop filter as well as headphone jacks.

After vocal exercises, they saw how I did with rap, ballads, and pop. First time with songs I knew and then the second time with things they had chosen for me. Yujin-oppa gave me water and we took a quick break for me to get my feedback. The word ‘inconsistent’ came up a lot. Even in the notes I took about myself.

They said that they’d give me basic training and that I showed a lot of promise. There would be a lot of self discipline involved too. I wasn’t very good at that, but I’d try real hard.

“You remind me a lot of Jin, vocally.” Pdogg said. “Got that rock influence. Love going higher even if you shouldn’t sometimes and belting. That sorta stuff.”

Yujin-oppa added, “Yea, but you’re a lot cuter.” with a smile.

Supreme Boi rolled his eyes, “You can go, but don’t forget what we said.”

“We’ll get Kyung-oppa to send you our typed up notes later.” Adora commented.

“Thank you for all your help. Have a good rest of the day.” I bowed and left.

The other trainees and I were to eat lunch at this vegan place in Itaewon called Plant. I had to use a train to get there from my current location since it’d be too long by bus. Even though I had taken the bus a few times yesterday, I was with Jun. This time, all I had was the vlogging cam that each of us got and my phone. I needed to ask someone for help, but my nerves were getting the better of me.

“Oh, hey, Iris!” A high pitched voice called out to me.

They bowed and started saying how they saw me online. An Ulzzang fan. She said she recognized my top from the back and then we took a photo together. Then she thanked me and bowed.

“Oh, before you go, can you help me? I’m having trouble finding the right train. I’m trying to get to Itaewon.”

Soon enough, I was headed onto the train with all the things I needed, leaving her behind with words of thanks. I’m glad she didn’t ask why I was here or why I was going to Itaewon. She just asked me to host a meet and greet while I was visiting. I said I’d try my best to make one happen.

I took this moment to check my email and my own phone was dead, so I used the one supplied by BigHit. It was customized to my deity. There were rainbows everywhere with pink accents. The group chat seemed to be quite busy.

  
  


After I sent that last text, I got a text from Kyung telling me to go meet with Bang PD before dance practice. I did not like the sound of that. Plus, I asked if I was in trouble. The worst reply possible. ‘I don’t know. You’ll have to see him.” How was I supposed to prepare myself for what was to come? Like, bruh. I lowkey wanted to scream. He told me to just be on my best behavior.

Hyojoon and I met up soon enough. It was easy to see him among all the black and brown hair in the crowd with his angel feather hair. I called out his name, adding oppa at the end. He waved at me and we bowed at each other.

“You ready for lunch?”

“Oh yes.” I replied. “I hope the other’s show up on time. I’m in the mood for something cheesy.”

He grinned, “I have a few jokes if you wanna hear them.”

I laughed and asked for them. It was good to hear his jokes. He honestly gave Jin a run for his money even though he had to explain a few of them to me because I didn’t know Korean that well to get a few nuances and there were a couple of words I had no idea about. Then we saw the others inside the eatery and waved. I ended up sharing noodles and tofu with Alice and everyone else had Korean BBQ. We all ate until we were half full and got to know each other quite well. Alice was vegetarian (but also ate seafood) because she was traumatized at a school trip to a farm.

“Everyone else blocked out the mem’ry but I remembered. Haven’t eaten another chicken nugget since.” She chuckled.

After lunch, we ordered coffee from the cafe across the street. Then I remembered the text Kyung had sent me. I had to see the head of BigHit. I was obviously in trouble. Still, I went to visit Ed like my schedule told me. The primer for my shadow needed to be changed and I needed a more pigmented lip tint, but it was an overall success.

### 2:15, Monday

As most everyone got driven home, I had to visit Bang PD. To say I was scared would be a gross understatement. All the way up to the floor where his office was, I tried not to pee my pants and bit my lip nervously.

“Hello, PD-nim.” I gave a 90° bow. “You wanted to see me?”

“I did. Please sit down.” He motioned to a dark wood and fabric seat.

“Yes, sir.” I sat in a chair in front of his desk and crossed my ankles.

He cleaned his glasses and put them on, “I heard you had a rather eventful day, met a fan an all.”

I nodded, “That is true, sir.”

“I didn’t know this had to be said, but I guess it does.” My boss had a good voice, gentle and kind but very sure. “This isn’t your fault by any means. I should’ve been clear about this, but please refrain from being photographed and/or recorded by fans until we go public with the show. We got that girl to remove the photo as well.”

I hoped she wasn’t too scared about getting a message from a company. I would have to apologize to her if I ever got the chance.

PD-nim looked at me, “We just don’t need anything being spoiled too soon.”

“I understand.” My eyes met his for the first time. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause any trouble, PD-nim.”

He nodded, “It’s alright. I just wanted you to hear it from me, and I’ll send out an email letting everyone know. Again, this isn’t your fault, Farai. You’re not scared, are you?”

“Just a bit nervous.” I grabbed at one of the rips in my jeans. “I feel like I got called to the principal’s office for defacing school property.”

Bang PD laughed, “You’re such a good girl. I’m glad you’re here. Go on and have a good rest of the day.”

I stood, “Thank you. I will, PD-nim. I hope the same goes for you.” I bowed and left.

Then we were driven to a dance studio. We tested flexibility and strength and then did lots of stretching. LOTS of stretching. The choreographer said none of us were in the shape to dance until an hour of sit ups, v-sits, and Spiderman lunges later.

We did a lot of rhythm exercises as well. I was having lots of fun even if some things were difficult due to my thighs and stomach. Also, maybe I wasn’t the best dancer, but I could move well. The rhythm became one with my body and soul during these individual evaluations and I felt like I forgot where I was for a bit. When my eyes focused on sparkly pink lips and a blonde ponytail, I couldn’t help but be thrown off my beat.

They clapped and I sat. A white ponytail went up next. While watching Hyojoon dance, I could tell he had been taught in several different styles. Fluid motions but also solid endings to phrases. He was a bit ahead of the music sometimes, though. I’m pretty sure he even winked at Sooja who blushed.

At the end, I could tell Imani, Nawoo, Dongmin, and Alice were not gifted in the dance department. James, Matt, and Sooja were good movers like me. Tristan was just a bit above a mover since his charm drew people in easily. Gina, Jun, and Hyojoon were so good! Gina had never gotten formal training either.

“Good work, everyone! I know dancing in front of people you don’t really know is not the easiest thing, so round of applause for doing so.” Markus Pe Benito said with his clipboard on his hip.

We clapped and cheered for one another.

“So, for the last half hour, we’ll get to do more of that, but together. Everyone, up on your feet and make sure you have space.”

All of us stood as twinkly intro music played, followed by a voice going “3…2…1”

_나나나 나나나나_  
콧노래가 나오다가 나도 몰래  
눈물 날 것 같애  
아닌 것 같애 내가 아닌 것 같애  
I love you so much 

Everyone laughed and launched into the dance while Markus said we could come up and ask him questions throughout. I didn’t have any, so it was great getting to just goof around with everyone and see what kind of kpop they knew best. Matt and Jun knew every girl group dance that was ever made, and it was fantastic. Nawoo knew only the most popular ones from Gen 3.

I was packing up with the rest of the trainees when we were told that we needed to learn and perform a dance for next week. Dongmin asked if we could work in groups.

“Not this time, I’m afraid. We’re building self confidence and getting you out of your comfort zones first.”

We had to text our manager with the song we wanted to do 90 seconds of. Then it was back home. The living room had a message on it for us.

Dear Deities, welcome home! Please shower before heading into the Diary Room after dance practice. Here is the order you will go in tonight!

I was 6th on the list. Jun was first, so she hopped into the shower. Gina used was second. We weren’t used to each other and had things to do, so I looked up solo songs I could do and made a list of my top 5. Due to my indecisive nature, I decided to go eenie meanie miney moe.

Hwasa-nim it was! “Twit” here I come! I typed up the text and double checked spelling. I’d send it after my shower, so I grabbed my pajamas and a towel and headed to the now vacant bathroom.

### 10:44pm, Monday

Twenty minutes later…Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.

“Noona! You’re next in the Diary Room.” Tristan called through the door.

I was wearing my breakfast food nightgown with shorts and my hair was not yet twisted. I’d do that after.

“Ah, thanks!” I said and walked with him to the door.

Then he smiled, “If I don’t see you after, sweet dreams, Noona~”

“Sweet dreams.”

After the Diary Room, I realized I hadn’t sent my text to Kyung, only typed it out. So I sent it. A minute later.

It could’ve been anyone else, and I wouldn’t be feeling as pissed off as I did now. Right? Why was I so mad? Cuz Imani got my song first? After I took so long to…if I had sent it earlier like I meant to, then would things have been different?

My body was tired but I had things to do. I put my hair in thick twists and then slid on my night cap. Next was 10 step nighttime skin routine. I made sure to record it.

“I’m not even sure if this’ll work.” I said, putting on moisturizing toner. “If I shove my face into salt water everyday, will it do the same thing?” I asked no one but got Jun to laugh as she read.

I smiled at him but nearly gagged when I caught a whiff of item #8. It was something bad, and all I heard was my name being screamed. I looked at Jun.

“What happened?” We both said in our native languages.

“Iris, what happened?” He asked this time in Korean.

She pointed to the desk and said I dropped the container. It was as if I flinched and threw the bottle. I looked at the list. It said #8 was tea tree oil. No wonder. That smell was my dad. I hated him.

“Stay there. We’ll talk.”

She cleaned up while I sat there, also getting that dust buster to make sure shards weren’t everywhere. Then we sat down on the bed. I tried to explain I just didn’t like the smell. Jun wasn’t letting me get away with a cheap excuse.

“Darling, that lie is as thin as my first wig. I won’t tell anyone. We can cover the cameras too.”

I shook my head, “No, I don’t mind people knowing and we just met, but I trust you. It’s just a lot emotions that I’ve distanced myself from and they suddenly came back. Like that–” I pointed to the vanity, “Has never happened before.” A sigh came out of my lungs.

He held my hands, “Tell me what’s wrong, sweetheart. You don’t have to, but I know emotions are easier to handle when you’re not doing it alone.”

So I told Jun about my lack of a relationship with my biological father. How I cut him out of my life because of his verbal and emotional abuse. He listened and I just felt so angry. No. That wasn’t the right word. I hated my bio dad and I felt hot, but I also felt numb.

Jun comforted me, held me to his chest. It made me glad she said it was ok and that she trusted my decisions. She was a good person. I was lucky to have him as my roommate.


	3. Here Comes the Weekend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I spend the weekend getting closer to a few of the other cast mates.

### 6:28am, Tuesday

It was my 3rd day in Korea, and the clock said 5:33am. An hour before my alarm would go off, so I laid down and let my brain process a few things. I’d have to practice my dance today. At least watch the choreo a few dozen times. Would I be able to pull this off? I had to.

_Ding ding ding. Good morning~ Ding ding ding_

My hand picked up my phone and turned off the alarm while Jun’s phone blasted throwback Katy Perry. I must’ve fallen back asleep while thinking. I laughed to myself and checked to see if the bathroom was empty. Not yet. Then I remembered that I should check my other phone. My mom had texted me.

She sent it after work, 8pm two days ago for her. I was busy doing my voice test at the time yesterday and looking at my own phone didn’t even come to mind. I was glad that BigHit had given us our own phones full of things needed to survive in Korea because my own phone didn’t have the space for it. Then I realized it was around 3pm for her now, so she wouldn’t be answering for a while if she worked today.

My schedule was sent to me, so I made sure to switch my phones on the chargers so that I had enough to make it through the day. I heard the bathroom door and zoomed inside before anyone could get in there.

Nothing special happened the first couple of days. Korean class was good. I had it with the other members of the house that didn’t know Korean well, so Imani, James, Jun, Matthew, and Gina. Matthew was Korean, but he had been raised in America. It seemed like the others had an English class at the same time because we all came back with homework. We constantly asked each other for help.

Well, I was too shy to ask for help, but was able to assist Jun to the best of my ability because he basically had to do both classes with Gina. Tristan was the only one who was able to communicate with her in Spanish, so they were pretty close to each other. Her English was great, but she was just too timid to speak it around us in a group.

9:10am, Friday  
When Friday came along, it was time for our camera shots. That was the only thing on our schedule since it took up most of the day. Kei, Sirab, and Ed were there along with other pros and assistants who helped us get all dolled up for our cute and adorable concept shots. There were three different areas to make things go faster, but I was sure it’d still take forever.

I hugged my makeup artist when we met today.

“See, skin’s looking better already. Sorry about the tea tree oil thing. Please don’t be afraid to speak up.” Ed pouted at me.

The next morning after the incident, Jun made me call him to get that replaced with something that wouldn’t trigger me.

I nodded, “I won’t hesitate next time, and I’ll actually read everything on the list.”

“Good. Now, you gotta go to wardrobe first while I work on Miss Imani first.” He waved at her, “Hello, darling.”

Sirab showed me a basic outfit that I’d wear today. I had a lot of rainbow and holographic pieces. In fact, my first outfit was white shorts and long sleeves with a holographic jumper over it. The skirt was semi transparent, so that’s why I had the shorts on as well as some sparkling fishnets and holographic lace up boots.

It was very Space Cadet chic. I had to wear a control top to make sure everything was as smooth as possible. Then I went over to makeup and waited since Imani wasn’t done yet.

“Wow, Noona…” Tristan smiled at me while getting those gold temporary tattoos put on his arms.

James was getting the same done to him and turned to smile, then got scolded for turning his head while the makeup artist was holding a sponge to his cheek.

“Does it really look good? I feel kinda silly.”

Ed laughed after he sent off Imani to wardrobe, “That’s because your makeup isn’t done yet. Come to papa.”

I cringed, “Don’t–”

“Yeah, I don’t know why I said that. I’m sorry. Please sit.”

So we talked about how the change for the skin worked in more detail and that we’d be going a bit more extreme with the highlighter on my face because of my simple outfit. This was simple? Even when he was done with the simple part, it looked bold to me.

For the next five hours, it was photoshoots and more interviewing since we were done up all pretty. A lot of the questions were the same, so I gave the same answers. There were a few snacks, but every time I reached for a pretzel, I could hear a stage manager or my director telling me not to eat in costume. It’s been years since I’ve been in a play and yet the warning voice was still there in the back of my mind.

A manager even brought strawberry mochi to celebrate our first photoshoot. I pouted at it, worried the filling would get all over my rainbow dress.

“Why do you just keep staring, noona?” Tristan asked with a new outfit on.

“Messy food.” I replied. “I’ll have to do touch ups and–”

He put the pink squishy treat in front of my mouth, “Say, ah…” and spoke in English.

I looked at him and decided it would be beneficial for me to open my mouth. Tristan gently put the mochi in and told me to close my lips. It was difficult to keep it closed and chew at the same time, but it tasted so good. The flavor spread across my tongue as the filling seeped out.

“Is it good, noona?” He asked.

I nodded, “Is dlishus.” I tried to say.

He smiled, “I’m glad.”

I made sure to feed him one in return, then walked about since it wasn’t my turn yet and I wanted to look at the others. Dongmin was awkward yet charismatic like any 16 year old used to being in front of the camera would be. However, when I saw Matthew in his brown suit, I nearly swooned.

He usually didn’t stand out much. Just a skinny, goofy dude with naturally curly hair that he liked to keep long. Incredibly average in every way except now. Matthew was Fenrir, so he had lots of browns and furs. His next outfit was a black fur coat with a choker. Shirtless.

The mochi feeling didn’t come out of my mouth and get on my dress, but I was pretty sure they the drool would. I wiped at my chin to make sure I was just mentally drooling, not physically. Matthew’s goofy smile returned when the camera lense went down. He was the one with the strongest duality for sure. It would help him in the competition a lot once it began.

Kyung called my name just as Lyssa was being helped onto the plant set. I was to sit on a throne of candy. Not real of course, but just as hard. My butt hurt after 10 minutes of sitting and doing different facial expressions without a giant lollipop. Then with a giant round lollipop and a second curled stick type. Already 30 minutes had passed…y’know, after 4 hours of different outfits and makeup. My hair didn’t change that much, though.

It was sometime in the late evening by my internal clock, but I was too busy posing in a pastel rainbow outfit to actually look at the time. I got excited when I got told to stand on the throne. A few assistants started to walk towards me to help, but I was already in a wide stance with each foot on either armrest before they got the chance. Luckily, the heels weren’t too high. Sirab listened when I told him I felt safer in thick heels no matter the height.

_Smile!_ I reminded myself. Upbeat pop music played as my cheeks began to ache. Behind the throne now. How much time had passed? Next outfit. Different hairstyle. Lots of flowers in my hair. They were My feet hurt. _Smile, Iris! Pout. Smile but smaller._

“Ok, that’s a wrap on Iris!” The photographer called.

“I’m done?” I asked, now in tube socks and a pink tennis skirt sitting on a plastic picnic table.

Several nods as people helped me off the set. I would be able to put on my normal clothes again! What were they again? I laughed because it had been too long since I wore my own clothes that I actually forgot. Right. Short pink overalls, converse, and a cute black and white striped shirt underneath. I literally could not wait to eat but fell asleep soon after chewing made me exhausted.

### 11:03am, Saturday

We all had free time until six in the evening today where we had to do some more interview stuff. Jun said she was gonna eat with Nawoo, and Sooja invited me along with her and Lyssa. The three of us agreed on a nearby Indian spot and ordered so much fucking food! It was so good! We all got water or fruit juice since we weren’t allowed to have soda which was fine. I missed Dr. Pepper though.

After lunch, I hit the gym which was empty thank goodness. I sang out with headphones on which was how I practiced breath control and worked on stability. It was weird and annoying to do this with any others down here, so I was glad to be alone. An introvert’s paradise. I wished there were more places to lock myself up during “me time” withdrawals cuz I would be spending a lot of time with others.

Then I saw Imani start on the treadmill beside me. How did I miss her coming in? I shut up right away and avoided looking at her. My timer went off. Weightlifting for 15 minutes. I was planning to practice “Roll Deep” but I didn’t want Miss Bougie to judge my every mistake. I’d do it later. I had the basics down from practicing between shoots today. Now it was just refining. It was easier to do not on carpet.

After my shower, my legs ached meaning this morning’s painkillers must’ve worn off. I had been working my body more than it was used to, so it hurt all the time now. It’s just been a week and I felt like I had aged 15 years. I would rub some Tiger Balm on myself once I got into my room. Homework needed to be done, too. My hands needed something creative to do, though.

I grabbed a piece of paper and sketched out Jun’s body type. When she became famous (because she was too talented not to), what would he wear to his first red carpet? My hands moved as I listened to my study music. He’d probably wanna show off his legs. Jun liked to play with gender expectations. I even colored her legs and decided the belted dress looked best with the white coloring it started with.

Knock, knock, Jun opened the door, “Family meeting! Managers brought pizza!”

I instinctively closed my notebook, “Oh my goodness, I love pizza!”

“I’m gonna put on a wig real quick.”

“Ok, see you down there!” I said and then hopped to the staircase.

I was met with a living room full of pizzas. My legs seemed ok now and less achey. Tristan called for pepperoni, but there wasn’t much left. I grabbed the last slice and put it on my plate for him. Then I sat down. He pouted seeing there was no more pepperoni left until I called his name.

“Saved you a slice.” I raised up my plate to show him.

“Oh my goodness, you didn’t have to!” His ears got red.

I placed his pepperoni pizza slice on his plate. When everything settled down, Sowoo said she was glad to see us since she wasn’t allowed to be around us while she was sick. It was the end of the wook meeting. They checked in to see how we were getting along in the big city. Nobody was too homesick yet, probably still basking in the excitement of it all. It seemed like Matt and Nawoo had seen some LOONA girls at the cafe they visited the other day.

“If possible, seeing them made me more into girls.” Nawoo said.

“Hell yea!” Matthew said giving him a high five.

“Speaking of pretty girls,” Hyojoon stated. “Iris got recognized by a fan already.”

I stopped mid chew and locked eyes with Kyung.

He spoke, “You saw Bang PD about that, right?”

“Yep.” I replied. “She had to remove it. I’m not allowed to take pics with fans anymore. At least until the show starts.”

Tristan had some sauce on his lips, so I wiped it off for him.

“To be honest, I didn’t think anyone would recognize me. Least of all to the point of wanting to take a pic with me, y’know.” I smiled. “There we go.”

“Thanks, Noona.”

Dongmin spoke, “I had to turn down some pics because I wasn’t sure if it’d be ok.”

“That’s because you actually thought through things unlike her.” Imani chuckled.

There was meanness in her tone, but I just replied, “Yeah, my mind was more focused on trying to find the right train. And we hadn’t been told no, so I just went with yes. Make someone’s day. Also, Dongmin-ah.”

“Yes, Iris?”

“How long have you been doing mukbangs to get recognized so much? I saw that person in IKEA come to talk to you the other day.” I changed the subject and got the heat off of me.

He blushed slightly, “I started two years ago just streaming lunch on the weekend since my parents work full time. Then more people followed and some donated in order for me to buy more food to eat. I grew from there.”

We continued to ask our chubby maknae about his hobby. It was nice to see the kid talk about something he was passionate about. I didn’t wanna give Imani the pleasure of seeing that her words bothered me. I still wasn’t sure why she didn’t like me when we just had different interests and musical styles. James asked what kind of things Dongmin liked to eat and if he had any sponsors.

“I do not do sponsors, but I do often eat snack or recipes that fans send me.”

The blue haired man replied, “If I were to cook for you, would you eat it live? I’ve always wanted to experiment but usually too busy workin’.”

“I’d love that!”

Those of us that didn’t speak Korean spoke in a mix of English and Korean, and it worked. If there was ever any misunderstanding or lack of understanding, we’d look to one of the others to help and explain. It sucked knowing what you wanted to say but not how to say it.

Gina asked, “You cook, Anubis?” She spoke more English around us now that she was more comfortable.

He nodded, “Cook, bake, fry. I worked at my parents’ food joint back home.”

It was a local place called Bread & Butter that started as a sandwich shop and became a diner. His black grandmother and father taught him how to cook while his Japanese grandmother taught him piano. James was full of surprises. Chef, pianist, lesbian grandmothers.

“You should wake us up with a tune one day.” Matt said. “There’s an intercom near the piano upstairs.”

“I just might.” He grinned.

Soon enough, we were asking questions to our managers about the show while Sooja set up Mario Kart on the TV. What themes were there so that we could start choosing songs? Would there be any group numbers? What would make this show different than any other singing survival show out there? Who would the judges be? How many would there be, and how much would their votes count?

We got no real answers.

The themes would be announced when everything was done, but there would be a group number. Multiple in fact. This show was different because it was for BigHit. As for judges, one would be Bang PD. That’s all we got. It wasn’t much and only brought more questions to our minds.

Namil said, “It’s just your first week here, so don’t worry about that stuff too much. Explore the city and have fun especially since you have nothing planned for this Sunday and Monday. Don’t get into any trouble, though.”

Tristan grabbed my hand, “Let’s go to Han River tomorrow, Noona! I wanna go bike riding!”

“I was gonna say Han River too.” James said. “I heard the graffiti tunnel is good for pics.”

“Ramyeon by the River!” Dongmin exclaimed.

I smiled, “Sounds fun!”

“Can I come, Tristan?” Alice asked.

He nodded, “Sure! It’ll be the five of us then?”

Imani said, “I’d love to go shopping for some new clothes.”

Jun, Matthew, Sooja, and Gina agreed on going to the mall to do that. Sooja and Matt would probably go to a video game store and stay there most of the time. Nawoo and Hyojoon would go for a hike or something. Both enjoyed nature, so it’d be great for them.

Everyone helped to clean up the boxes and empty drink bottles. None were alcoholic of course, we had underaged people living there. We basically had the weekend off, so we would probably sleep in. All of us bowed to our managers and saw them off before heading to our rooms. Tonight’s pajamas would be my spaghetti strap black and white shorts set. Alice knocked soon after my bonnet was on.

Jun answered, “Hey, pretty lady. What’s up?”

“Girls are having face mask and movie night in the red room. Sorta like a sleepover. Y’all are welcome to come.” She made eye contact with me and smiled. “Blankets and plushies welcome.”

“What movie?” My roomie asked.

Alice answered, “It’s Spirited Away since I’ve never seen it before.”

I couldn’t contain my excitement, “I love Spirited Away!”

Jun smiled, “You’ll see us there.”

All six of us gathered on the couches and floor and made sure we could see the TV before putting on face masks. I must’ve been more exhausted than I thought because the last thing I remembered seeing was Haku and Chihiro cross the bridge while she held her breath. After that, all I saw was the inside of my eyelids.

### 12:08pm, Sunday

Buskers danced, sang, and played instruments all around the River. I stepped in time with a band doing a rock version of Ashley B Choi’s “Here We Are” as we tried to find a good place to have a picnic. Our personal chef James had made a basket for the five of us. Tristan and I brought picnic blankets to set under a nice shady spot that was left, so we spread them out there.

“I remembered you girls were vegetarians, so I fried tofu instead of chicken. They’re teriyaki sub sandwiches. If you don’t like it, I can totally buy you something else.” He handed them to us.

There was a whole spread including cheese and fruit, raspberry lemonade, pita chips to dip into homemade hummus, and even cinnamon sugar popcorn. Just one bit of the sandwich told me it was the best one I had ever tasted. It was so fresh! James was proud but also a bit embarrassed at all the praise. It wasn’t an insane amount of food for five people, but we were still satisfied by the end of the meal.

Next up was bike riding…which I was nervous about because, “I don’t know how to ride a bike!” I blurted out as we approached the bike rental shop.

Everyone stopped.

“You can still ride if you want, but I’ll probably just walk around until you’re done.” I hid my shame behind my smile.

Tristan wasn’t having it, “We’ll get a tandem bike. There are ones where you can peddle without much balance.”

I looked at him, “I don’t want to slow you guys down.”

“It’s fine, Noona!”

“Yeah, noona.” Dongmin said. “We want you to have fun with us too.”

So we went to the rental place and asked if they had any two person tandem bikes like Tristan suggested. They did, but it was such a beautiful weekend that they had all been rented already. Before I could even open my mouth to tell him he could go on without me, my darling 동생 called out to the others.

“You guys go on ahead. We’ll go do the paddle boats.”

Alice replied, “Oh, ok. Sorry you guys can’t join us.”

James added, “Whoever finishes their thing first chooses where we can get ice cream.”

“Sounds good to me!” Tristan added.

Once the other three zoomed off, I looked at him, “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Don’t mention it. Let’s go to the paddle boats!” He smiled.

I had never had the chance to do this before and worried I would be too heavy. The operator promised it would hold. Tristan got on first and helped me on. It bobbed a little, but we stayed afloat. A sigh of relief escaped my mouth. I reminded him to get buckled before we started to move as the operator had started to help the couple behind us.

It really was a nice day out. The temperature was 65℉, but the breeze kept us from getting too hot under our bright orange life jackets.

“I know we don’t know what the themes are yet, but what is one song you really wanna sing on the show?” I asked.

“Ooooh, good question, Noona!” He thought for a moment, “Probably ‘Por Fin te en Contré’ by Cali and El Dandee. I swear I heard it 2 million times a day when I lived in Spain.”

I was surprised, “So that’s how you know Spanish. You lived in Spain?”

He nodded, “For two years. Just got back to Korea four months ago. I had a Spanish friend who was feeling homesick, so I went with him and stayed longer than he did.”

“That’s so cool! Why ‘Por fin…’ uhh…”

“‘Por Fin te en Contré’? It’s a beautiful love song especially when done acoustic. I sang it at a talent show and won too!”

I asked, “Can you sing part of it for me? Please?”

He did, not holding back for a moment.

_Si tú supieras que por ti me muero_  
Que yo te quiero, te quiero  
Te quiero, te quiero  
Si tú supieras lo que te he esperado  
Que yo te amo, te amo, te amo, te amo  
Y me dijeron que te vieron sola  
Por qué estás sola  
Suelta el pasado y déjame ser el que te enamora  
Y me dijeron que te vieron sola  
Por qué tan sola  
Si tú a mi lado vas a tener al que más te adora 

I recognized a few phrases because my mom had taught herself Spanish. Tristan even explained it afterwards.

“It really is a beautiful love song.” I smiled up at him.

Then a Spanish tourist also in a paddle boat struck up a conversation with him. They spoke fluently to each other. He came over because he recognized the song. I just looked over to see what the man looked like and the girl he was with looked at me. We shared a knowing glance, and I could tell that he was prone to talking to random strangers.

Once they left, Tristan asked me the same question.

“I really really wanna sing ‘Never Enough’ from The Greatest Showman, but more than anything, I’d love to so ‘Burn’ from Hamilton.”

His eyes lit up, “Hamilton! Oh my gosh, you are such an Eliza!”

“Shut up!” I giggled.

“Please sing a bit for me, Noona?”

I started at the second verse and sang as best I could while in the paddleboat which didn’t have the best acoustics.

_You published the letters she wrote you_  
You told the whole world  
How you brought this girl into our bed  
In clearing your name  
You have ruined our lives  
Do you know what Angelica said  
when she read what you’d done?  
She said, “You’ve married an Icarus,  
And he’s flown too close to the sun.”  
You and your words obsessed with your legacy  
Your sentences border on senseless  
And you are paranoid in every paragraph  
How they perceive you  
You, you, yooooouuuuu! 

“Jjang!” I said, not knowing what to say.

“Oh my god, Noona, you’re amazing!”

I blushed, “Thanks. I would hope so.”

### 1:34pm, Sunday

Once we were back on dry land, we unhooked our cameras from the boat and checked our phones for text messages. The trio had headed to a cafe that sold ice cream as well as coffee and gave us the address. We waved to the others when we arrived.

“You have fun?” Alice asked with a slightly strange look on her face.

“Sure did!” I replied. “We had a good convo. A tourist even spoke to Tristan and the weather is so nice!”

James asked, “So nice that you’re holding hands?”

Tristan and I both looked at our hands and pulled apart while apologizing to each other.

“Ah, just didn’t let go after he helped me off the boat, I guess.” I explained as my cheeks got hot.

His ears got red as we realized we had been holding hands for at least fifteen minutes as we walked from the boats to the cafe. The five of us sat and I asked what kind of ice cream he wanted. He told me to order what I wanted, but I made sure he got the flavor he craved since he was younger than me. Also, he had been so kind. He deserved it.

So we got chocolate matcha ice cream and chai lattes. Mine was vanilla, his was caramel. It was the most delicious think I had tasted while in Korea! Seeing him smile made me happier than I would’ve been getting orange sherbert. Talking and getting to know each other was really nice. Alice told us some childhood stories, mostly how she believed she was Alice from the Wonderland books and movies. She’d go looking for holes near trees and chased any rabbit that she saw no matter where she was.

“I just remember _sobbing_ whenever my parents or anyone would stop me from chasing any bunny I came across. Across the street? Near a lake that I could have easily drowned in, didn’t matter.” She laughed. “Any chance that I could go down the Rabbit Hole, I was gonna take it. I was such a weird kid.”

We were dying of giggles right along with her. Soon enough, all five of us left the cafe and watched some buskers for the next hour or so. One pulled me out to dance on me as he did Taemin’s “Want” and was surprised when I was able to do the girl part perfectly. James got some pics in the graffiti tunnel. Then most of us went for a bit of shopping while he and Dongmin went to try street food.

As we went to a boutique, the woman gave me a strange look. I knew nothing in here would fit me, so I wished she would stop staring. Alice gave everything a once around and tried on a few pieces while Tristan and I watched her go for everything blue. We gave her yays and nays on the looks she threw together. Then there was a place that we came across with both men’s and women’s things. So I went through the guys’ stuff and saw a few things that might fit. There was a section with different colored patchwork hoodies.

“Noona, let’s get matching hoodies! Can we, please?” He grabbed my arm and jumped up and down.

I giggled, “Sure, only if you let me pay.” since he had payed for most of the things today.

“Ok, ok. I’ll let you pay this time. Alice you want in?” He asked the blonde trying to get me to change my mind.

“If it’s ok, sure!” She piped up with three bags in her hands.

“Sue is.” I replied. “Should we get some for the boys as well?”

Tristan looked at the rack, “There are only three left. Should we look for something else?”

Alice replied, “Nah. They didn’t wanna come shopping with us, so they’re gonna miss out. Besides, if they want one there’s always the internet.”

So the three of us got the matching hoodies and took a selfie to post in the group chat. James called the colors ugly.

### 6:43pm, Sunday

I then asked where we were going next. Well, sunset was soon, so we decided to go for a walk and then go for dinner. It sounded like a good idea. We took photos and listened to the two foodies recount their street food adventures. After dinner, we got home ten minutes before our 10 o’clock curfew.

Tristan said he wanted to go to the diary room as we walked in, greeting the others in the living room.

“I had a great day.” Alice yawned.

“Me too.” I said, rubbing my eyes.

James burped, “Oh, ‘scuse me. I have never eaten so much fast food in one day.”

“Good quality, too.” The 16 year old nodded.

“Mmm-hmm.”

I yawned, “And the sight during dinner was the best!”

“I can agree with that!” Tristan called from the stairs he was walking down to get to the diary room.

The rest of the night I talked with Jun about my day while she told me about hers. We had no plans for tomorrow, so we decided to have a bit of a spa day. Face masks and massages. Painting each other’s nails. After practicing and homework that is. I had spent some extra time asleep to recharge. It’d be real sparse in the future, so I was saving up now.

Even though we knew getting close would probably hurt us later since this was a competition after all, we wanted to be friends. I didn’t wanna force any friendships. Luckily, I got along with everyone pretty well. Not enough to put on a bathing suit in front of them yet, though, which was sad because I really wanted to go into the hot tub or pool.

I just…I just wasn’t there with these people yet.


	4. Getting Uncomfortable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My group has a hard time picking a dance to showcase, and my wlw heart is weak to Alice's flirting techniques. I barely pass a test with Tristan's help, but I do which somehow annoys Imani. What the hell did I do?

### 8pm, Monday

As it was Monday evening, me and the others were driven to the dance studio. The end of our off days was the dinner we had just finished eating. It was the night when everyone would show off the solo dances we taught ourselves. Since I was doing Hyuna’s “Roll Deep”, I wore black tight shorts and the hoodie I got Saturday to match Alice and Tristan with some black boots.

Hyojoon pouted when he saw me, “It was sorta hoping for the money bathing suit.”

I shoved him. We had practiced together earlier. He was gonna do “Boy Meets Evil” by J-Hope which made sense with his skill level. We would each do about 90 seconds of a dance. Doing my math, it should take less than 20 minutes. However, we still had a lot of time for dance practice.

After we did our dances, we got feedback. I wasn’t precise enough, and I lacked consistency. That was the same as almost everyone. At least I didn’t trip like Matthew did. He was ok though, just a bit embarrassed. When everyone was done, we were to form three groups of 4 people and decide what dance we’d do in two weeks. We had more time to practice, so that was good.

Markus picked the leaders to be me, Imani, and Gina. Three boys would lead next time. Our teacher chose a number, and we had to guess closest to it without going over. Gina got closest while I was waayyyyyy off.

“Hyojoon and Nawoo.” She picked two since she was first.

“Tristan.” Imani was next and chose my friend just to spite me.

“Jun.” I chose her for skill, not just because we were close.

Gina chose again, “Matthew. I really like your style.”

“I choose James.”

“Dongmin, you’re with me.” I replied.

It seemed like I was just choosing random people, but I honestly had a plan. Listening to the notes that were given, the ones I wanted had two things in common 1. They worked really hard 2. They took feedback well.

Sooja was on team Imani which meant Alice was on my team. She had done “Dally” by Hyolyn and was wearing the same hoodie as I was. Then we all went to corners of the room and started talking about what we’d do. They asked why I chose them, and I told them the truth. They thanked me for not just pitying them.

We googled what groups had four people in them. We had to decide within 30 minutes. I took my hoodie off and tied it around my waist. It’d be easier to just learn a person’s part than to figure out a way to do multiple peoples’ parts at once which sounded like what Imani was doing…loudly.

After listing all the four person groups we knew, we asked the youngest what he was comfortable with. Just like that we were down to f(x), Winner, KARD, and Mamamoo. Most of us agreed Mamamoo’s stuff was too simple and same for f(x) especially to newer groups. I was leaning towards Winner because I felt like KARD was too predictable for a mixed gender group.

We were running short on time and it was two votes for each song. Gina’s group was working on “Hola Hola” already. We all turned heads when we recognized the music.

I looked at the others, “Do you wanna do another KARD song or do we wanna challenge ourselves? I know we know more KARD choreography than Winner, but I’m sure we’ll be masters at whatever we choose by the end of these two weeks.”

They still looked unsure.

I promised them, “I’ll take myself out of the vote. If you still feel better not doing Winner, I’ll trust you. Ok? So, who votes for Winner?”

Jun raised his hand still. Dongmin hesitated but joined.

Alice sighed, “Ok, but I get to choose which song we do.”

“Go ahead.” I said with a smile.

She said, “I wanna do ‘Island’ and dress up in tropical shirts.”

And we agreed. It sounded like fun and the song was one of my faves as well even if I didn’t know the choreo.

“Thirty minutes are up! What have we got?”

Everyone wrote down what they were doing on the whiteboard. We watched the “Island” dance practice and assigned roles and watched some more. I got Mino which made me happy. Then we went home. I watched the choreo on my phone on the ride back to the dorms.

### 3pm, Saturday

I don’t remember much from that week other than I caught a cold on Tuesday, and most everyone avoided me like the plague. After two cartons of orange juice, hella tea and tissues, and some cough drops and sleep, I felt better. But I was also behind on practicing choreography. I also wasn’t allowed to work with others yet.

Even though I worked on my routine whilst still blowing snot out of my very congested nose, we didn’t get enough time as a group to practice. It wasn’t until I went to the doctor’s and they approved me for group activities again that I was able to join the others. We only had a week, though. Good thing I was right. They were all very hard workers, and Alice had taken charge while I was out of it.

I was playing catch up and some arguments broke out due to frustration. We got it together, though. During Wednesday’s class, I got some tips on how to precise. Then I shared with the others during our late night practice since I now felt 90% better. It was probably the lack of sleep making my immune system suffer, but this was the life of an idol. I’d risk all types of sleep deprivation if it meant I got to live out my dreams in reality.

“Let’s…let’s try this again. I know I’m not the only one having trouble with this part.” I said. “If you need a break, that is totally fine. I don’t know how you guys learn, and it might be best by just watching. Either way, we should focus on the leg movements and make sure we’re doing them correctly and in sync. Alright?”

It was about 2 minutes and 35 seconds into teh dance. There was a robot like move that involved the whole body, and we all looked so bad at that part. Most of us weren’t moving our legs high enough at that part. The others weren’t bending down enough. It was a short moment, but it was a move that made the whole thing look bad if it wasn’t executed well. And right now, it wasn’t.

Also, I kept going left right instead of right left.

We spent ten minutes on that move alone, going into it and moving out of it, making sure we had it right. Then we ran that section again and it was great.

“Yeah, that’s it!” Jun exclaimed.

Dongmin was red in the face and sat against the wall, “Oh my goodness! How long did it take to do just that part? An hour?”

Alice chuckled, handing him his water, “Just around twenty minutes.”

He sighed, “Jeez!”

I starfished on the floor, “My leg!” I said like the SpongeBob fish. “This better be worth it.”

### 5:22pm, Tuesday

My Korean was being used everyday. Hyojoon was a lot of help with practical Korean while Nawoo taught me slang and memory tricks that actually worked. Four different study groups had formed now that we had known each other for three weeks. My, Tristan, Sooja, and James were studying for tests we had later this evening. Sooja was trying to spell and differentiate the several “there” forms in English with me. James was defining Korean vocab with flashcards.

“Ok, you did really well.” Tristan said. “You’ll pass for sure. Quiz me now.”

“Ding! Ding! Ding!” I exclaimed. “You’re a genius, Sooja! You got them all correct. Just make sure your e’s don’t look like o’s.”

She nodded, “Thank you. Anything you need to go over?”

I nodded, “I keep getting 다르다 and 틀리다 mixed up. Is there anything I can do to…to sort them out?”

Tristan piped up, “There’s a saying ‘다른거지 틀린게 아니다’ So if you can remember that, the logical way of saying it will help you spell.”

I tried it out and ended up spelling both words right. Then it was time for class. During the test, I freaked out but got super excited during the bonus question: What is a common phrase using the words 다르다 and 틀리다? I looked around. Did James realize that we had this answer in the bag? Like seriously. He didn’t look back at me, so I was just silently cheering to myself. I wrote down the thing Tristan told me.

Something is different, not wrong

I even made sure that I spelled it right on a previous question. Sooner or later, the test was finished. The first thing I did was look for my lovely dongsaeng and give him the biggest hug ever!

“Tristain! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

He looked confused and hesitated to hug me back, “For what?”

I showed him my A and the bonus question, “For this!”

Tristan looked at my paper and giggled, “Now that’s lucky. I’m really glad that I told you the saying and that it actually helped.”

“What do you want for dinner tonight? I’ll buy it or make it. Just let me know.”

“I want Italian, and I know just the place. I’ll get ready.” He replied as he was in sweats and a slightly dirty t-shirt.

It smelled like him. Like a sweet musk of sorts, and it fit him very well. I rubbed at my nose and yet the scent stayed. I simply threw on a skirt over the shorts I was wearing and decided it’d be good enough for whereever we’d be going to eat out at.

### 8:45pm, Tuesday

We arrived at Ciuri Ciuri. I had changed into a dress that Jun let me borrow, more like made me borrow. Tristan was in a nice blue dress shirt. We got a table and I thanked him again for his help. He gave me a goofy smile as we ate and talked, not even touching his food until I mentioned it.

“I thought you wanted Italian? You should eat.”

“Thank you for existing, Farai.” He said with sparkling eyes. “You’re really special to me, Noona. Don’t ever change.”

Tristan began to eat his pasta. He was such a sweetheart. I wanted to pinch his cheeks. He began to talk about his time in Spain and how talking with Gina was fun because some Spain Spanish and Mexican Spanish meant two different things. They had offended each other more than once because of it. I only felt a tiny bit bad for laughing at the language mishaps.

“Like how was I supposed to know cojer meant ‘to rape’ in her Spanish?” He hid his face.

We could’ve stayed and talked all night, but we had a fast approaching curfew. So I paid for the meal and we were driven back home by a bodyguard who had come with us just in case. We walked up up the path to the dorms and closed the door behind us. Then I said I’d better get started on my night routine.

“Does that include your hair?” He asked.

I nodded, “Yeah? Why?”

He looked at the ground and blushed, “Can I help do your hair for the night? Like, you can teach me and stuff.”

“Sure. I guess it wouldn’t hurt. I’ll knock on your door when I’m done with my face stuff, and we can do the styling in the living room.”

“Ok! I’m excited.” He smiled.

I thought he was so cuuuuutteee. With my video camera on, I filmed myself doing my face and skincare. Then I gathered my hair items in a bag and knocked on Tristan’s door quietly since most of the others were asleep. We sat in the living room–him on the couch and me on the floor–while I showed him what to do. I even recorded from two different cameras cuz this sounded like a good video idea. This was all pretty new to me as well, but at least I could tell how tight to do it.

Telling someone else was different. Fun, too. There was a lot of giggling going on as he tried to describe how doing my hair like this felt like one of those hair stylists he saw in movies. Apparently, his mom really liked Beauty Shop. Whenever I winced from him pulling too hard or something like that, he’d apologize and then pat it.

“I think I’m done.” He said. “How did I do, Noona?”

Looking in the mirror, I compared the ones I did to the ones he tried doing. They were pretty close.

“You did pretty well. Good job.” I put my cap on. “Much better than I expected. We should make this a regular thing. Then you’ll get even better.”

“I’d actually like to do that.” He smiled as he wiped his hand on a towel, “I want to hang out with you more, Noona. I really like talking to you, and you treat me well.”

“We can hang out more, but it’s late right now.” I said. “You should go to bed.”

For a moment, he frowned and then grinned. Tristan nodded to himself and hugged me before telling me goodnight. We both yawned. Looking at each other, we laughed and went to our rooms. I smiled, remembering how well I did on my test.

Imani stopped me as I neared my room, “What do you think you’re doing getting all cozy with Tristan, huh?”

“I’m not sure what you’re implying. He helped me with my test, so I took him to dinner. When we got home, he wanted to help me with my hair. I let him. That’s what friends do. We’re friends.” We spoke to each other in English.

“Oh, really?” She scoffed.

“Really. If we were friends, you’d know that.” I sighed. “Look, I don’t know why you’re so against me, but that’s your problem. Not mine.”

She scowled at me, not saying a word. I yawned and stretched my arms up.

“Can I go to bed now? Are you done?”

Imani stepped aside and I made it to my bedroom. WTF was her problem?

### 7:10am, Wednesday

I made myself a bowl of cereal the next morning and sat on the couch. Today was another light schedule. Starting at 9, Alice and I were scheduled for duet pics. Then I had a recording session with Yujin at 4pm. If I had free time between the two, I’d grab lunch.

I played yesterday’s episode of DK News on the TV. Ya gurl had to keep up with the current events. With my limited knowledge of the Korean language, I probably didn’t know this stuff was happening right in front of me. Alice and Imani came downstairs.

“Morning.” I said and looked back at the TV.

The beep of a microwave and the pop of a toaster. Soon Alice was sitting near me on the couch. Imani took her meal upstairs. News ended and I asked Alice how she slept.

“I slept well. Woke up in the middle of the night to pee, but was able to get back to Dream Land easily. You?”

“Slept well. I was exhausted.” I put on some background noise. “Ya ready for our shoot today?”

She nodded, “Hey, Farai?”

“Yeah?”

“Sorry about Imani. I saw you and her last night. She’s annoyed at you for some reason. Like perpetually pissed that you even exist.”

I shrugged, “Yeah, I know. You don’t need to apologize for her. I think she sees me as less black cuz I’m not into rap, R&B, or hip hop like she is. Unless her attitude somehow holds me back during competition, I’ll let her do whatever.”

Alice nodded, “You’re very emotionally mature.”

“Thanks. I get that a lot.”

We finished our meals and took a taxi to the studio. Now that we were more energized, we chattered about how excited we felt about doing a shoot together. Also, it was one month until the show began. She said she had been listening to older kpp to widen her repertoire. The taxi driver recommended some songs from when he was growing up.

Then we arrived and thanked the taxi driver for their suggestions.

### 9:25am, Wednesday

Since I was Iris and Alice was Lyssa, we were aesthetic opposites. I was light and she was dark, which made us prime candidates for a special photoshoot. For the first couple of hours, we both wore dramatic dresses and such to pose in our rooms.

Let me explain. Today’s shoot took place in a legit mansion. Some rooms were white and gold and filled with vibrant rainbow pieces while others were–as NCT 2018 would put it–Black on Black. Some silver here and there. Tinges of blue but blacker than coal for the most part. A few of our dresses were similar, especially in shots we did together.

We were in very short high low dresses, both had our hair in high buns that were really tight and were told to each rest a hand on the other’s hip while not looking at each other. Then we did some other sensual poses while facing each other with our hair down. She took this chance to wink at me and send me into the gayest of panics.

Being so close to Alice like this, I begged my heart to calm down and focus on work. I was working right now. It didn’t matter that she was told to get incredibly close to my neck or anything like that or that she smelled like strawberry frosting. Like, she smelled really good. We had a few moments where we were posing and getting pics done in each other’s rooms in the case they needed pics for “corruption of innocence” or something like that.

She was given her Trinket, a black lace blindfold. I was still in the black throne room. She stood behind me and had to do a few shots while holding the blindfold over my eyes. There was even one she did while kneeling in front of me with her own blindfold on while putting it on me while the photos were taken from my left side and then the right. Below and above. Then I was given my Trinket.

“This was hard to make. Later, we might just give you a rose and let it be edited in post, but for now, it’s real.”

A rainbow rose was placed into my hands. We were to “kiss” either side of it while looking into each other’s eyes. Her eyes were so blue that I easily got lost in them. Then we looked at the camera. I felt my cheeks get hot, and Alice let out a nervous laugh.

Near the end, we were given 15 minutes each to direct the other’s photoshoot. It was so much fun. I had her splay out on the dark carpet with my rose in her hand and held it in front of her like she had been “killed” by my positivity and light. She then had me face my grandiose mirror and slowly put the black lace blindfold on myself.

According to Alice, it was originally just a black blindfold, but the design crew thought lace would make it look cooler…add an air of mystery.

The art director said, “You girls really do have an eye for this stuff. Your narratives link very wall with the ones we’ve created.”

“Thank you.” We both bowed our heads.

“Yes, now. I have eight more shots that we can do quickly or not do at all. It’s all up to you two lovely ladies.”

What she described was rather…homoerotic. Us, in bed, on top of each other, holding a trinket in our mouths. We’d use both bedrooms, both trinkets, and switch positions. It was like a lesbian fanfic that ended right before one of the maidens were deflowered. I said I’d be up to it only if Alice was comfortable with it.

She scoffed and plucked my rose out of my hand, “I went to an all girls school. It’ll bring back memories, so hell yeah.” She put the flower between her teeth and pushed me on the bed.

### 3:33pm, Wednesday

We were finally finished and changing back into our regular clothes. I was so glad.

“What are you so smiley for?” Alice asked, putting her hair into a ponytail.

“I got to take sexy pics with you and we haven’t even done our dark concept pics yet.” I replied. “How come you winked at me earlier?”

She grinned, “I just love to fluster cute girls like you.”

Mayhaps I squeaked. Alice was flirting with me, probably platonically, but still. She was damn good at it. Then I had to record two songs at the studio. We were still going through the testing phases and seeing what worked for each person.

It was no surprise that they said ballads were my strong suit. They had me sing in different genres and styles, and my top five were ballads (English and Korean), boy pop (Korean), indie (English), and Broadway. Not too surprising. I knew boy pop would be higher than girl pop, but I didn’t expect it to be in the top 5.

Pdogg said it was because even if I wasn’t able to read the words that well yet, I picked up the melody and rhythm much more easily. Also, my higher range put too much strain on my voice and–though I’d sing in that range sometimes–I sounded best in my lower and natural range. It wasn’t even that low. Like, it wasn’t Moonbyul or Felix range, but more like Chen and Solar sort of range.

Yujin smiled, “You were wonderful, Iris. You’re really good at taking direction.”

I expected him to pat my back or something, but he held back. Most of the other guys had told me he was quite a touchy dude when he was being encouraging. Dongmin said he liked to pinch his cheeks and I overheard Sooja saying he played keep away with her beanie the other day after she let him wear it.

He didn’t seem to hate me, so I didn’t worry about it. Yujin-oppa was vocally friendly but not physically. Maybe he didn’t wanna fall into the stereotype of being overly friendly towards black girls that Korean men were known for. I was to return in half an hour for an actual recording session.

### 4pm, Wednesday

Yujin-oppa was wrapping things up with Tristan and Gina when I entered. They greeted me with smiles and Tristan was wearing his matching hoodie. Alice and I had been wearing ours earlier too. His voice was so beautiful! The song was one we all had to learn. I had practiced with Hyojoon a lot with this because he said he was comfortable singing around me since he was more of a rapper.

“Why?” I asked.

“You’re not as judgemental.” He said in Korean, and I didn’t know the word for judgemental, so he put it through Google Translate. Then he said the machine pronounced it wrong.

We had a good laugh about that.

Tristan hadn’t realized I was in the room yet as he sang, “우리 다시 만나는 그날까지 / 안녕 안녕 / 우리 다시 만나는 먼 그날까지 / 안녕 안녕 / Does anyone know, does anyone know / how it makes me feel / 우리 다시 만나는 그날까지 / 안녕 안녕 / Oh 안녕 안녕”

“He’s so good…” I said to myself.

Gina nodded, “I know, right?”

How was I supposed to compete against that? I listened to him as he finished, and then he looked at Yujin-oppa who ran a hand through his lavender hair and smiled. He gave Tristan a nod and a thumbs up.

“That’s a wrap. I’ll call you if we need anything more.” He said.

My dongsaeng came and hugged me, “How did I sound, Noona?”

“Amazing! You are just amazing!”

He blushed, “I’m sure you’ll do great, too, Noona.” His phone went off. “We gotta head to our next location, but we’ll figure something out to do this weekend, ok?”

Him and Gina grabbed their bags once he told her it was time to go to the next thing on their schedule in Korean. Because of her shy and hidden demeanor, they put her and Tristan together for him to act as a translator.

I nodded, “Ok. Stay safe, you two!”

“We will!”

Yujin-oppa looked at me with a smile, “You ready to practice?”

“Yep. Let’s go over the music”

“Pronunciation first.” His phone buzzed. “Food before that. You hungry?”

We ate some of the takeout together and he had me practice pronouncing the sad song we were to sing. That’s what these sessions were for now that I think about it. A happy song to play when the final winners were announced and a sad one for when we were voted off every other week.

I had been practicing every day before bed and after dance practice. Any free time I had, honestly. Meaning my pronunciation was pretty good, but I was clearly not a native speaker. I recorded V’s parts in “Anpanman” and Bom’s parts in “Goodbye”. My vocoals would be mixed with others, so I didn’t know how much time I’d get in the final cut. So I worked hard to make sure most of it was useable.

“mitji ma / heuteojyeo buseojin maldeureun mitji ma / neoui jakgo jageun maeumeul lochi ma / hamkkehaetteon yaksokdeuri saenggangna / nunmuri heureunda / itji ma / gakkeum himi deuldeorado gwaenchanha / gidaego sipeul ttaeneun chajawa / na yeongwonhi hamkke isseojul suneun eopjiman / jamkkanijanha”

The music played for the two lines between my part. Yujin oppa smiled at me while I sang. I only noticed him staring when I opened my eyes. I’m glad he liked how I was butchering Korean. Luckily there were English lyrics soon.

“uri dasi mannaneun geunalkkaji / annyeong annyeong / uri dasi mannaneun meon geunalkkaji / annyeong annyeong / Does anyone know, does anyone know / How it makes me feel / uri dasi mannaneun geunalkkaji / annyeong annyeong”

More music for the other part and then I sang the last part, “No annyeong annyeong”

The music played to the end.

“How’d I do?”

“You did ok. Let’s go from the top and be softer this time.”

I nodded, “Ok.”

Takes 2 through 6 were soft and lighter than I had ever done before. More gentle than I had practiced with any of the others. I tried to sound like myself and not like Bom or Tristan, just a very sad Iris.

Yujin-oppa nodded his head, “Now I want you to do some takes where you really go for it. Make this song yours, Iris. I noticed some parts that you wanted to do in your own way but held back cuz I said gentle.”

“Do them?”

“Please do.”

Mayhaps I cried during this recording. The song gave me such “Burn” from Hamilton vibes, so I pulled my emotions from that song and just let everything wash over me.

“Annyeong…”

My eyes didn’t open until the song ended completely. I took a deep breath and fanned my face looking at the camera and then Yujin-oppa. He leaned over the mic.

“Wow. Ok…we have time for two more of those. Wanna go again?” He bit his lip in regret. “Maybe take a break?”

“Quick break.” I replied.

He nodded and let me sit, giving me a tissue box, “Where did that come from?”

“No clue.” I chuckled.

“A breakup? It has to be something.”

I shook my head, “I’d have to date someone to break up with them.”

“You never dated anyone?” He spoke to me in barely accented English.

“Nope.”

“What about Haemosu? I mean the matching jack—”

“Oh.” I said. “Lyssa has one too. We got them last weekend or the week before? Yah. Besides, I’m not looking to date right now.”

Then I stood and said we should do the last two before time was up. When we were done, Yujin-oppa hugged me. It was the first time he had ever touched me.

“You were great today.”

I smiled but didn’t feel like being hugged by someone I barely knew, “Thanks. I’ll see you later, oppa.”

It was weird, but no alarms went off in my head. Maybe he was gay or something and that’s why James was cautious of his touchy nature. The way home was easy by train now that I sorta had the hang of it. I had to stand because I’d fall asleep if I sat down. When I got off the train, I looked for my dark haired oppa but saw James with some shopping bags instead.

“What’s all this?” I asked.

“Dinner. Well, in about an hour it will be. I’m making mac and cheese casserole for tonight’s meal, but we didn’t have any cheese left. I decided to get four different types and lots of it.”

“Oh, sounds yummy.” I looked around once more. “Did you come here instead of Kyung?”

He chuckled, “Nope, but Kyung-hyung knew I’d be here too, so he’s coming to get both of us.”

“Oh, cool.”

I offered to hold his shopping bags, but he said it’d just be better if we just sat. So we did. He asked if I had been crying and I told him about the recording session. It made him giggle and call me cute. Then we talked about how we couldn’t wait for the show to start. James was most excited about the first theme and finding out what it was. We made random guesses that got more ridiculous as we went on.

As we talked, a man passed by with his son in his arms. I waved to the child who just stared in that way that curious kids do.

“I hope I have some opportunity to do some Korean songs.” James said. “My background is English, and that’s all fine and good but we’re k-pop trainees. We gotta show we can perform in Korean.”

I nodded, “I’m worried about that too, but I’m sure we know more than we think. Just need the opportunity to think about it.”

“Excuse me?” the father with his kid from before asked in English. “My song errr…toucheu…” His hand started to move towards his head.

“We speak some Korean, sir.” James said.

His face looked relieved, and the kid was reaching up towards me, “Can I touch your hair?”

“Sure you can. Just be gentle, ok?” I got off the bench and kneeled next to him.

He squeezed my hair in the tiny hand, “It feels like a soft sweater.” He giggled and then the kid touched James’s hair, saying his was softer. The dad asked for a photo with his child, but we declined and told him we weren’t allowed to. Then Kyung showed up, calling our names.

We told the duo goodbye as we parted ways.

### 7pm, Wednesday

Kyung stuck around after dropping us of in order to talk to the others he was taking care of. I began helping James in the kitchen. Sooja and Matt were gaming while Gina watched. My job was to boil and lightly salt the noodles. We began talking about what song we’d do for a given topic. I asked him about his go to Love Song, and he said RM’s Trivia.

“I think I’d go with ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love’. Y’know,” And I began to sing, “‘Wise men say only fools~ rush in, but I can’t help falling in love~ with you.” I sang it a bit faster because he caught on.

Matthew smiled, “I love that song!”

I grinned as James made the multi cheese mix in a large green bowl while I cut up some fruit. He paused to send a quick message to the group chat asking how much spice everyone could handle. The cayanne was unopened in his left hand.

As the blue haired baker waited for replies, he asked, “So, Iris, weird question.”

“Yeah?” I said, sliding grapes into the clear bowl.

“If you and I were made to sing a duet together, what would you want us to do?” He leaned on the counter was we waited for the noodles to be done.

I began, “Uh, well–”

“And make sure it’s Broadway.”

“Oh, ok, uh. Well, my favorite duet that I can do is from Once on This Island. It’s called ‘Forever Yours’, but I’d wanna do something upbeat and playful with you. I thought maybe you and Jun would be a better duet since you remind me of characters from RENT.”

I thought as I mixed the pasta, making sure none of it was sticking to the bottom. It would be done in about five minutes by the feel of it.

He spoke up, “What about Greatest Showman? The one Zendaya and Efron do? ‘You know I want you. It’s not a secret I try to hide…”

We began to sing while cooking. James’s personality was so cute and fun, and he had a powerful voice though he called himself a rapper. We ended up performing the whole thing in the kitchen. He even spun me around a few times. This is what happens when you live with singers, huh?

Soon enough, dinner was served. Mac and Cheese casserole, fruit salad, regular salad, bread rolls and leftover fried chicken for those who wanted it. Even though we had our individual conversations, we all ended up talking together about how we had lived in the same place for a month now.

There was a vote put forth by Sowoo to see who was the closest out of the twelve of us who lived in these dorms. Most people said me and Tristan or Matthew and Sooja other than roommate pairs.

“Well, Iris and I got pretty close earlier today!” Alice cooed.

I was suddenly very thirsty as I downed my strawberry lemonade to dodge the question. Alice said they’d know what she meant if and when the pics came out. It turned out all “Trinket Shots” had been done today.

Then Namil asked, “Who has the worst relationship? 1, 2, 3!”

Everyone pointed to me and Imani. No surprise there. The managers seemed to be the only ones shocked by this. Sowoo typed something on her phone. When asked why our relationship was so bad, Imani excused herself from dinner.

“I’m not feeling well.” She muttered.

I shrugged once she left and all eyes were on me, “It sucks that she doesn’t like me, but I can’t be liked by everyone.”

Tristan put his head on my shoulder and Jun set his hand on my leg.

Matthew spoke up, “Next weekend, let’s go to the beach. All of us, like before things get too serious and we only have the competition to think of.” He looked at us. “I say next weekend, so that we can prepare and also cuz I’m sure you all have plans for this weekend already.”

We nodded and said that sounded like a good idea. I only had plans to do makeup practice and record some footage of me working out. Tristan was busy with dance practice. We were all busy trying to up our skills in our spare time.

Most of my highlighter worries had passed. I had talked with Ed about getting maybe some more afro specific beauty products to sponsor the show and stuff so that getting makeup for me, James, and Imani would be easier. Ed said he’d talk to the others and try his best to find some that would want to sponsor us.

### 9pm, Next Tuesday

The week came and it was finally time to perform Winner’s “Island” for everyone. There were a few mistakes here and there due to lack of practice as a group since I was sick. This lesson was for trust building. So we stood around the room in a circle. One person would be blindfolded and another had to give them directions to get them to stand in front of another member.

Just my luck, I was paired with Imani.

“I’m not saying you have to like me, but trust me. Just for the next however minutes this lasts, trust me.”

She folded her arms with the red blindfold in her hands, “It’s not that I don’t trust you for something like this…it’s just…”

“I’m listening.”

“We don’t have the same background.”

I motioned to everyone, “Very few of us do.”

Imani scoffed, “You don’t get it! Of course not! Let’s just get this over with.”

And we did well. I found myself hesitating when she was the one to give me directions, but I did end up in front of Gina like I was supposed to.

Then the guys picked their teams. Igong (aka Hyojoon) got to go first, so he picked me and Lyssa. Tristan pouted as Nawoo picked him because he wanted to be on our team. He made a good group with Matt and Gina though. James picked Imani, Jun, and his boy Dongmin. We welcomed Sooja with opened arms. She was picked last probably due to not really knowing what was going on in her group. It was no surprise she spent her time gaming instead of practicing.

We ended up going with Mamamoo this time. Hyojoon probably suggested it since it was a majority girl group he was working with. It was easier choreography which would be good due to busy schedules and the like. It seemed like we were the first ones up and learning the basics of our group’s dance.

I was still thinking about what Imani said earlier since I was so confused by it, but I was glad we were communicating just a bit.


	5. Beach Day

  
9:45am, Friday  
Check after check and soon enough, we were headed to Eurwangni Beach since it was the closest. I didn’t wear makeup today, but Jun wore sunscreen foundation and waterproof mascara. We gorged ourselves on local foods and our managers took photos before we got to swim. I got into the water with most of the others while James and Imani stayed ashore.

They didn’t swim, but this was a family trip meaning they had to come along. I lived on an island for my formative years and bio dad was a swim coach. Not to mention I used to believe I was a mermaid. Nawoo was scared of the ocean, so he stayed on the side in swim trunks and a swim binder. Him and Imani began to build a sandcastle. I was glad they were still having fun.

James was being pursued by a very confident woman about half his side. She left her two friends to ask him to put sunscreen on her back. I couldn’t hear them, but I noticed the story unfold before salty water was splashed onto my back.

“Noona~!” Tristan laughed and continued splashing. “You can’t catch me!”

I began to swim after him, circling around Jun and Sooja who were on innertubes. They called after us not to make too big of waves around them. Gina was watching a swim race between Matthew and Hyojoon that we almost interrupted. Our managers called at us to be careful but only after I tripped over Alice who was seeing how long she cold hold her breath under water.

That small collision made me lose track of where the tall pretty boy had gone.

Then arms grabbed me around the waist, “Looks like I ended up catching you, Noona.” He laughed.

I looked up at him, “Seems so.” I pinched his chin.

“Iris, Haemosu, wanna play Chicken Fight?” Matt asked as he hopped through the waves towards us. “Dongmin suggested it, but doesn’t wanna get yelled at.”

Tristan nodded, “Yeah sure. Iris noona and I vs you and Sooja?”

After persuading the IRL D.Va to join the three of us, we girls were hoisted on the guys’ shoulders and tried to push each other off. We were just deep enough so that the boys could keep their balance but also whoever fell wouldn’t get hurt. Someone in the corner of my eye was taking pictures. We were both relatively strong. Sooja’s grip was intense from hours of gaming but she didn’t have the arm strength to support it. Tristan lost his his footing, though, and the two of us fell back.

I let out a yelp while preparing for impact. My back hit the water and it welcomed me into its salty embrace. Once my head was above water, the winning team was cheering and parading around still stacked. My dongsaeng was blowing bubbles in the water with a grumpy face.

“Now that’s enough of that, Sooja, Matthew!” Namil called. “Get off of his shoulders right now!”

The four of us were called to shore to get scolded as we dried off. Afterwards, I slid on my shoes and headed to the bathroom. Tristan said we could get ice cream for the winners once I got back.

As I made my way to the restrooms, I saw tan skin and blonde hair in a familiar shape. Imani? Why was she following that guy to that area of the beach? Part of me said to leave them alone and let her hookup with a cute stranger behind the building. Another, bigger part told me that she was a barely legal foreigner and sex ed sucked globally. I’d at least make sure he was gonna wear a condom.

When I went around the corner myself, they weren’t alone. I didn’t know what was going on, but it wasn’t good. It got even worse when one of them grabbed her arm.

She pulled away saying, “Don’t touch me!”

“No, no, no.” I said approaching quickly. “What’s going on? Let go of her!”

The boys ran off before I got close. There was no way I was gonna catch them, so I turned my attention to Imani.

“Are you ok?”

“I’m fine.” Her eyes aimed at the ground.

“What were you doing, going someplace with a strange guy without telling anyone?”

She refused to look a t me, “We were just gonna make our for like 10 minutes in his car. He said this was a shortcut. Then his friends showed up. I wasn’t gonna go with them! I said no!”

“Did they look like they were gonna respect your no?”

“Don’t tell anyone?” Imani finally looked at me.

I paused, “Imani, I ha–”

“Please? Not the trainees. Not the managers. I know it was stupid. I’m scared…I learned my lesson. Please. I just wanna forget about it!”

My conscious was telling me to tell someone. It wasn’t about her. We had to catch the guys who could’ve kidnapped her, but…but looking at Imani and knowing how society worked.

I sighed, “Fine. Just no more going places alone. Don’t trust anyone you don’t know.”

“Ok. Ok. I won’t. Thank you.” She scurried back to the main group.

God, I had to pee really badly. After I used the bathroom, Tristan hugged me and asked what took me so long. I told him the octopus from earlier wasn’t agreeing with me. Imani was helping Dongmin budy a sleeping Kyung. I was just glad she was safe now.

### Imani’s POV

I had been listnin’ to music with earbuds in and enjoyin’ the view. AOMG, Jessi, etc. It was fantastic weather with the breeze coming off the ocean battling the heat of sun and hot food nearby. Cute boys passed by and did double takes. If they had the balls to stare, I’d wave and give them a smile.

Of course they couldn’t help but look at me. Who could resist a beautifully toned caramel body in a hot pink bikini? No one. Especially here in Korea where many of the girls my age with more demure in their styling choices. I heard squealing laughter and saw Tristan splashing his “noona” Farai. Ugh, I hated her.

Hate wasn’t the right word. I’m not sure what the right word would but, but I’ve been pissed off at her ever since she told James and I that doesn’t do rap music. No R&B. No hip-hop. No soul. Not a drop of Gospel.

More like Godspell for her. She was a drama kid and proud of it. I had met more than enough of them living in NYC. It was the goal of 87% of my high school to work on Broadway. So yea. I knew her type. Whitewashed by showtunes and too pretty boys.

When I first saw her, I had been sure she’d be my unnie. We’d be singing Mary J and Aretha over some cornbread and my homemade fried chicken. Then I find out she’s a vegetarian from what the managers said while handing out the fast food dinner that night. She was everything I never wanted to be in a million years. Not to mention her weight and other physical flaws.

I didn’t want to think about her anymore. I told my manager that I was gonna get a skewer to eat. Namil told me to be careful, barely looking up from his book. Tying my star patterned cover up around my waist, I walked to where the food stalls were. I ordered a sausage and cheese skewer and a voice came from behind me.

“Make that two, and I’ll pay.”

A handsome boy with the perfect face, a mix between Zico and Mino was the first thing I saw. He gave me the brightest smile to match the sheen on his rock hard abs. I raised an eyebrow at him.

“I’ll make it two then.” I said to the employee. Learning how to order food was one of the first lessons we had learned in our Korean classes.

The boy stood next to me and paid. Well, he was a man. No doubt about it, just his charm. Once out of the line, I handed him his food. We walked as we ate. He said he had never seen a girl as cute as me at the beach before. I said that’s cuz I just moved here.

“What for?”

“The idol life.” I ran my fingers through my ponytail.

He grinned, “Of course you’re gonna make it. A girl as gorgeous as you has to be talented too. How old are you?”

“I’m 19 Korean age.”

“Call me oppa, then.” He gave me a wink.

My heart was beating out of my chest, and I focused on the food while pretending to be unfazed on the surface. My ears perked up when he asked me another question.

“Being a trainee, you don’t drink or smoke, do you?”

I shook my head, “I haven’t had any interest in either anyways. Also, I can’t legally drink where I’m from.”

After we finished the skewers, he bought me ice cream.

“Oh, what’s your name, by the way?” I asked after thanking him.

“Right right. My apologies. I’m Jungwoo, but you can call me oppa.”

“Already, huh?”

Jungwoo winked at me again in reply. He told me he was a recruiter as well and that he was disappointed some company had already scooped me up. I didn’t tell him I was from BigHit because no one was supposed to know that I was in Korea other than direct family and people connected to the company. The ice cream was dripping too cast, so I threw the cone away with most of the strawberry goodness still in tact.

Then he put his arm around me, “But that’s good news for me~”

“How come?” Korean guys really were faster.

“I wanted to kiss you more than work with you.”

I giggled, “Well, you are cute.”

“I also have a car that we could–”

“No. Actually I’m here with friends.” Even though I had told Namil I was taking a while cuz of the line.

His brown eyes looked so sad, “C’mon. Just ten minutes. I know a shortcut.”

I bit my lip, “Ok. Show me the shortcut. It better be nice car.”

Jungwoo held my hand and told me it was right past the bathrooms. Once we rounded the corner, there were two guys there. I looked at Jungwoo with a puzzled look.

“Ah, yeah! I forgot. Do you mind if my friends join?”

I couldn’t help but scoff, “No. They cannot. We’re just making out. Nothing for them to join into.”

The tallest one laughed, “You know you can’t just stop once you start.”

“I’ve always wanted to try a black girl.” The other said.

I looked at Jungwoo, and his eyes had changed. One with a cross on his forearm reached out to me and I pulled back, yelling at him not to touch me. He grabbed my arm anyways.

“HEY!”

All of us turned to see a thick wall approaching. It was Iris and she was yelling at the boys who fled the scene. I begged her not to tell anyone how stupid I had been. I didn’t want to cry in front of her of all people! I looked so weak in front of her. I gripped my cover up to keep my hands from shaking. She said she wouldn’t say anything to anyone, and I quickly returned to the others.

I as so dumb!

Why did I let him talk me into something like that? I couldn’t even imagine what would’ve happen if we had made it to his car. Like the guy said. He probably wouldn’t have stopped at just making out. Also all three of them? I could never! Not without trusting them more at least. I wanted to scream.

“Aphrodite! Imani-ssi! Imani-ssi?”

I humed when Tristan waved his hand in front of my face.

He pulled back, “You ok?”

“Y-yeah. Just got a bit lost on my way back.”

“I’m glad you found us. Where’s Farai-noona?”

I rolled my eyes at her name but stopped midway and pointed, “I saw her headed to the bathrooms.”

“Ah, ok. I guess I’m just impatient.”

Dongmin asked if i wanted to turn Kyung into a merman since he was sleeping. The kid was so sweet and excited. I was safe now, so I said yes. I didn’t want to think about what would’ve happened if Iris hadn’t shown up. She showed up for a few minutes to get ice cream with four of the others.

### Iris’s POV

The sun would be setting soon, so I nudged Alice and Jun. My roomie texted the managers and the rest of us went into the restrooms to change into our secondary outfits. Then we got into position in the middle of the tiki torches that were now set up. People started to get their cameras out to record.

Because it was only three weeks until the show began, we were asked to some some puclib promo. We worked all last week to put together a dance to a “Dance the Night Away” x “Idol” mashup. My dress was patterned similar to Namjoon’s suit. As a group, we were a mix of patterned outfits and white ones to symbolize the songs coming together.

It was hard to do in such a short time especially with our second four person dance having to be performed in three days.

The song ended. The onlookers clapped. We went into the cars now that the sun was completely down and went back to the Airbnb where I was with the rest of the girls. I had almost forgotten about having saved Imani until I was coming out of the shower and she was going in.

“Hey, Iris. Thanks again for earlier.” She said having a hard time looking at me. “I promise I’ll be more careful so that it doesn’t happen again.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re ok, Aphrodite. Also, you did really well during the performance.”

She smiled a bit, “Thanks.”

We went on our ways. Weird. She was being nice to me. I guess I did sorta save her, but still. It was strange for her to be polite to me.

Sunday’s beach day was just fun. No creepy dudes trying to take my girls. No aggressive girls trying to latch onto my dudes. My friends were ok and just worried about having sunscreen on and our second performance which was just Twice’s song tonight since we all wanted to be dressed in white and glitter. Then we had a bonfire and danced with some strangers as well as each other until we had to leave the beach.

### 7am, Monday

Today was my sensual photoshoot until lunch. I had lost quite a bit of weight, so I had to get some things hemmed and tucked real quick. This shoot was me in front of microphone with a sort of rock and roll look. Torn fishnets, gletter, lace. Adam Lambert would be proud to call me his child.

I stood and posed on stairs. Glitter rained down while I was smiling and spinning in a spiked pink latex dress. The photographer loved my faces and my energy. I loved her praises. My lips went from black to pink and I wore a black pleated skirt with skeleton stockings and a rainbow jumper with a studded choker.

As soon as the shoot was over, I was headed to the nearest convenience store for cheesy ramyeon. Kyung was right on my heels. There wasn’t much time to eat, so I had it made in store. My next stop was an extra dance lesson.

I had my tennis shoes in my backpack. It was because I had to learn how to move like an idol instead of just a person doing a dance. I would be recording a remake of my audition dances: Chung Ha’s “Gotta Go” going into “Yes or Yes” and finishing with “Lullabye” by Got7 to show what I could do.

It was good. I was working hard to finish the whole performance with minimal mess ups. After practice, I worked on “Egotistic” until my arms were satisfactory. My body wanted to be tired, but it couldn’t be because there were two hours until my actual dance practice. So I went home to do two loads of laundry. Did some Korean speaking exercises as well.

### 5pm, Monday

I picked up my undies off the floor and tossed them into my basket.

I’m sorry, That isn’t mine.

“Minhae. geugeon nae geos-i aniya.”

I’m sorry. This belongs to me.

“Mianhae. I nae kkeoya”

“I was pretty sure it was…” Hyojoon said, placing a bra I didn’t notice had dropped into my basket.

“Oh thank you. Sorry. And um, hi.” I bowed.

He laughed and cupped my cheek, “So cute. You ready for practice?”

“Yes. I had my extra class today, so I’m tired. Still, I gotta go and do more.” I chuckled as I paused my lesson.

“You’re a fantastic dancer, Iris. This should be no trouble for you even if you are a bit tired.”

I laughed louder, “Cute and funny. The perfect BigHit trainee.”

“I’m serious~” He whined as he followed me upstairs.

“Yeah, sure.” I put my dried laundry on the bed and grabbed my workout bag. “I’m nowhere as good as you, though.”

Hyojoon replied, “Well, you just started to learn how to dance professionally. I would say that you’ve had the most growth. That’s why I picked you.”

I couldn’t help but smile, “That’s great to hear. I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard on something in my whole life.”

We were outside with the cars all lined up. Three different cars to hold four of us. I cut in and Hyojoon followed. We talked about how he got into dancing. He loved kpop because of dance and was always learning the dances in his living room. I told him I’d dance with him from now one and he blushed.

Matthew hopped in the car, “Farai. Farai. I heard you like musicals?”

Sooja came in with him, “I was reading the member info on the posters with him, and he got all excited.”

“Yeah, I love them. I don’t know too many, but I’m a theatre kid.”

He started listing off musicals and I told him which ones I did and did not know. We began to talk about our dream roles and ones we’d never get unless casting changed drastically. I couldn’t remember the last time I got to nerd out over musicals with someone. He said that we’d have to sing together.

“Wait, wait, what song are you gonna sing?” Hyojoon asked.

“I think it’s obvious.” I said.

Matt nodded, “Me too, but I’m not sure.”

Sooja giggled, “Say it at the same time, 1, 2, 3.”

In sync, we said, “‘All I’ve Ever Known’ from Hadestown.” and gasped. “Knew it!”

We high fived even giving the same explanation for why. It’s was about gods and goddesses and we fit the parts perfectly. We decided to do it tomorrow since it was a light schedule day and he had gaming to do with Sooja any other time.

At the studio, our “Egotistic” group changed into our outfits. Long skirts and crop tops other than me and Hyojoon who went with shorts and flowy tops. The other groups changed into colder outfits. Nawoo’s were in suits and had robotic makeup on.

We went first since we were ready first and got into our crouched position. Before we knew it, we were at the fun part of the song and just jamming and double finger pointing. Then it was over. I think we did pretty well. We did a group hug afterwards, so I think the other’s agreed.

However, our notes said differently. We weren’t as in sync as we needed to be and our energy levels were similar but not consistent. We all had different attitudes during the song, apparently. It was obvious we hadn’t paid attention to that, and that was true. The chemistry was good–a 7/10–and we got the moves correctly in the right order, but the performance was an overall 5.5/10. We’d get kicked off the first week with scores like that.

I sighed heavily and Hyojoon rubbed my back even though he was the one who got the, “I expected more from you.” line. Part of my wanted to comfort him too, but I know he wasn’t the type to show lots of physical affection. So I just gave him a small smile and thanked him.

We had practiced a lot and Hyojoon had led most of the time in basic moves. Sometimes Alice would step in and make sure we were more feminine and pop than Hyojoon’s masculine and hip hop teachings. It must’ve clashed way too much or something.

We didn’t have any challenges this week for our dance class because it was time for our dance teacher to help us improve all the parts we lacked in. We had gotten basic lessons in dance and then tried on our own, and now we were stepping it up. It was almost a month until the show began, so we had to give it our all.

I really wanted to go to bed, but I knew it would be best to practice a bit more with a few of the others who were going down to our at home dance studio.

Jun was heading up to our room, “You comin’, Iris?”

I looked at the stairs, “I’m gonna get some more dance in. Go ahead without me.”


	6. Week 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first week of the show is here, and all I can think about is what led to this moment. I really hope I do a good job!

### Thursday, 6:00pm

I was vibrating with excitement. I know I had to eat, but I was too hype about going live for the first show tonight. We had our songs picked out and practiced and the group number had been perfected for three whole days now. Right after lunch, we had to do camera tracking for the show and then get ready. I ate another strawberry covered in cream cheese since Kyung said I would get a chance to practice later and that food was more important because I probably wouldn’t be eating again until after midnight.

Then we headed right on over to the studio to practice with the others. Right now, we didn’t have to show off all our learned talent, just what we were recruited for. That meant, I just had to sing and look pretty. There were others who had to dance and sing. This was our ground zero, sort of. We had two months of training which wasn’t much, but still. I was better than I was before I came to Korea.

Happier.

“Noona!” Tristan called. “I haven’t seen you in days!” He hugged me as I arrived for practice.

“I’ve been practicing a lot. I don’t wanna mess up.”

====================

### 3 Weeks Ago

We had a sudden family meeting and had to rush to Times Square Mall. Rushing was hard in heels, and I was just within walking distance. That is to say none of the cabs stopped for such a short drive. I sighed and began the walk, being mad that I told myself I wouldn’t need flats today cuz I wasn’t busy.

Guess what I regretted?

When a BigHit staff saw me, I was taken to an area with most of the other trainees there. I went up to Tristan and held his hand.

“Do you know what this is about?”

“No clue, Noona.” He shook his head.

Hyojoon handed me a napkin, “You’re sweating.”

“I thought I would have a light schedule. Wore heels.”

“Yikes.” Alice said in wedges.

Jun smiled and handed me more napkins, “At least you look good.”

I raised my brow and in came Imani and James who I noticed had matching bracelets on. I tapped Jun on the knee and motioned to them and then their wrists.

“Nice bracelets, you two.” she said.

Imani replied, “We just got them. We were gonna find a charm for everyone before we got called here.”

“That’s sweet.” Alice grinned.

James added, “If we have time after this, we’re gonna go back and finish up.”

Gina entered the room and was handed a bottle of water. I scooched over to give her a place to sit. She seemed out of breath as she collapsed on the bench.

“I ran two blocks cuz the stupid cabs said the distance was too short.” She panted. “At least I got to practice my Korean.”

Seemed like most of us shared that sentiment and were united in our annoyance. Me, Tristan, Jun, Gina, Alice, Hyojoon, Imani, and James were here which meant we were missing only four people. Sooja, Matthew, Nawoo, and Dongmin. Gaming nerds were next and asked what was up.

We told them we didn’t know and Dongmin entered with Nawoo right behind him. They hadn’t been together but ended up meeting on the way here.

The managers entered and everyone asked them what was going on.

Namil got us to settle, “Calm down. I know it was just three days ago that you were known to the public. This is part two. Also, you’re getting your first theme announced.”

We all gasped and squirmed. I squeezed Tristan’s hand. All of us bubbled with excitement and eagerness, more questions from everyone.

Sowoo said, “We’re clearing out the area, but you’re gonna be doing your BangPink dance number that you’ve been practicing for the opening. I was nice enough to make sure you didn’t also have to sing live…if you’re a dancer.”

“So rappers and vocalists, you’re gonna have to be doing this with mics. Rappers get wireless handhelds and vocalists get a headset.” Kyung said as three people came in to help us with mics.

What? We weren’t ready to perform in public yet. We had just learned the choreo without much time to practice because we had more photo shoots and trail runs for hair and makeup. I had been busy with my acting stuff too.

“Touch up your makeup once your mic is on and then make sure you know your lyrics. This is your second chance to show the world what they have to look forward to.” Namil said.

Namil added, “Right.”

“Why do we have to do this publically?” Hyojoon asked, “Why can’t this be a short check in at the studio to make sure we’re actually working on it instead of having us unprepared and embarrass ourselves in front of God knows how many people?”

Dongmin looked like he was about to cry. We all knew we weren’t ready for this since we had only gotten to practice four times and that was just basic blocking. We weren’t worried about lyrics yet since we thought we had 3 more weeks to get everything done.

He continued, “None of us are ready lyrically and we would make fools of ourselves and the company.”

“So you haven’t been practicing?” Namil asked.

“Of course we’ve been practicing, but not in a way to be ready in a single week!” Alice spoke with conviction. “You said we had four weeks, so we worked in a way to get it done in three. There’s still so much we have to do.”

Sooja agreed, “We’ll be a mockery if we go out there now!”

“You should’ve practiced harder.”

I stood up, “No.”

Everyone’s eyes shifted to me, and Kyung asked, “What do you mean, no?”

“This isn’t on our shoulders. You telling us to perform unprepared isn’t our fault. We’re doing our jobs as best we can. No good company. No good managers would let their company tell them to shove unprepared artists on a stage as a test.” I used simple Korean and even some mixed in English to get my point across. “You wanna test us, sure! Go ahead. Like Hyojoon said, something like this should be done at the studio. If you wanted our talents to be shown publicly like this, then you should’ve given us something we can get done in a week. Not tell us we have a month and take away three weeks.”

“I know you’re upset.” Sowoo began.

“Upset?” I scoffed and stopped worrying about speaking respectfully. “I’m more than upset. I’m disappointed in all four of you for not looking out for us. It’s your job to watch us and give updates to PD-nim or whoever, right? To tell them if we’re ready or not. If that gets overruled, then you warn your clients. Us. You failed at that. You have failed us.”

I took a shaky breath, forcing myself not to cry.

Tristan put his hand on my shoulder, “If we’re gonna be on that stage making fools of ourselves, then I’m going to thank the lovely managers at BigHit for making sure we were prepared for this performance.”

Everyone agreed.

Imani said, “So after mic packs, we’re doing makeup, right? Or are we going to get the time that was promised to us?”

Namil laughed, “Guys, it’s a test.”

“No shit, Sherlock!” Dongmin sobbed. “I’m sorry.”

“No, no, like this situation. It’s not real. We were testing your teamwork. How you would stand up for each other if the chain of command failed in one way or another.”

Silence. Some people started to awkward laugh. Others were angry and rightfully so. I sat down and let the tears of relief and anger sting my eyes.

Jun chuckled, “This is emotional abuse. You made 5 people cry and I’m pretty sure we all wanna punch you in the face right now. What do you have to say for yourself?”

“We’re sorry?” Kyung started.

“On the floor,” Sooja said. “Prove that you’re sorry.”

The managers bowed and then we went to do the rest of our schedules. We all wondered why there was such a huge gap in the middle. I felt like stress eating, so I stopped by a convenience store and got some carrots. The crunch was more satisfying than usual. I spoke to my camera on the way to get my hair put into a twisted bun look out of frustration and then decided to move on.

  
  


Everyone agreed on the same thing. We ate a light dinner and headed to the dance studio downstairs. It was the door past the Diary Room and it was smaller than the official ones, but that was ok because it was easy access for late night practice. We ran through the dance twice and then headed into the living room to work on lyrics without echo.

The amount of work they were giving us was ridiculous. The week before we went live, we had to do a group performance of a Blackpink and BTS mashup. We also had to work on an opening number for the show as well as a closing number and now that we would be getting our own topic for the first show, we would have to pick that and practice it as well.

### 2 Weeks Ago

I was sore after dance class and had to keep moving. We had dance practice of our own to do. I probably wouldn’t get any sleep if I was honest. There was just so much to be done. We had been doing work this weekend and hadn’t gone to do anything fun. It was ok, though, since we were all eager for the day to come. The mashup was something I had suggested, “So Hot” by Blackpink mixed with “We Are Bulletproof pt 2”.

It was a nice balance and the lyrics still made sense. Tomorrow would be our first dress rehearsal, so that was great. After a quick bath, I went to meet up with Yujin-oppa at his place since I got permission from Kyung to do so. We were to practice my solo song until he got tired and then a car would be sent to pick me up since all the buses and trains would have stopped running at this time.

The theme was: “A Song to define your upcoming journey” and I chose a song by my birthday mate, Alicia Keys.

“Iris, nice to see you!”

“Yujin-oppa, thank you for agreeing to let me come over so late for practice.” I bowed. “I hope I’m not intruding.”

He shook his head and closed the door, “No, not at all. I’m just glad that you’re dedicated enough to ask. Sit anywhere you want.”

I sat on his couch, “So, I’m worried I’m coming off as too aggressive. I know you’ve told me to be more gentle in songs, but I don’t think my passion gets through when I sing like that.”

“Hey, we don’t have to start right away. You had a long ride and probably a longer day I’m sure. Talk to me a bit. We’ll hopefully be working together for a long time, so we should get to know each other a little better.”

“Uh, I would rather keep a professional relationship until further notice, thank you.” I responded.

Yujin-oppa nodded, “Fair enough, but you’re tense. I can see it in your shoulders.”

“Oh, yeah. I just do not plan on sleeping tonight, so I guess I am already tense ahead of time.” I answered with a chuckle.

“I can massage them for ya, if you don’t mind.” He sat next to me.

I paused. What kind of kdrama was this? Well, life wasn’t like kdramas, so I said sure. Yujin-oppa put my jacket on the coat rack and massaged my shoulders. I told him I was ticklish, and he said he’d be careful. Part of my mind wandered and imagined him kissing the back of my neck. It was all soft and hot, just like him. But no. No!

That’s not something I wanted to happen. It was just a massage because I was tense, and it was a really good one too. I did end up talking about my day. How I had a report to do on Korean Culture due the week before the show and the interviews I had. Tomorrow, I’d be going busking with Alice, Tristan, and Imani.

“I heard that you don’t get along with Imani all that well.”

“We do not see eye to eye. I do not know exactly why she does not like me, but I cannot control how she feels.” I sighed. “At this point, I am just used to it.”

He made a noise, “I’m glad it isn’t bothering you too much. Has practice as a group been helping?”

I nodded, “Yeah. The twelve of us are vocally compatible in a lot of ways. It has been fun learning everyone’s voices and stuff. Even those who are not singers are learning quickly. I have had to take extra dance classes and a few rap lessons with Supreme Boi, but I–ah!”

“Sorry!” He pulled his hands back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to press so hard, but from the sound of it, you didn’t mind.”

“You startled me.” I replied. “So, practice? I do not wanna keep you up too late.”

Yujin-oppa nodded, “Yes. Ok. I’m sorry, I just didn’t think you’d be talking about other guys when you’re here with me.”

I stared at him and started calculating how quickly I could get to the door and if I had time to grab my jacket and purse or not. I’d have to at least–

“Joking.” He said. “Supreme-hyung teases me a lot cuz I’m the new guy. It’s sorta annoying, but I know it won’t last forever. Also, I would be more comfortable if you didn’t speak so respectfully to me.”

“Fine. Also, don’t worry about Supreme Boi too much cuz you’re amazing in your own way, oppa.”

He smiled, “So, let’s get to practice. You’re doing Alicia Keys, right?”

“Yep.” I handed him my music. “I think it would be a great way to define the start of my journey, but since we’re only doing two minutes, I don’t know which section would be best.”

“And there’s also the soft passion thing you were talking about earlier.”

I nodded, “Yes.”

He looked over the lyrics, “Ok, let me play through, and you sing along. Quick warm ups for the both of us.”

His piano was where his dining room would be, and he set up my sheet music. As Yujin-oppa played, I sang the lyrics I had known for years. I knew them by heart now since I had been practicing at least once or twice a day for a week now.

“Next we’ll go through the parts you’ve chosen already. Can I write on this?” He asked, picking up a pencil.

“Yeah, I made that copy for you. Write as much as you need.”

“Cool.” He sat down and put his fingers on the keys, playing and then counting me in. “3, 2, 1”

> Moment of honesty  
Someone’s gotta take the lead tonight  
Who’s it gonna be?  
I’m gonna sit here and tell you  
All that comes to me
> 
> And if you have something to say, you should say it right now  
You ready?
> 
> You give me a feeling that I never felt before  
And I deserve it, I know I deserve it  
It’s becoming something that’s impossible to ignore  
It is what we make it  
I was wondering maybe  
Could I make you my baby  
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy  
Or would it be so beautiful either way I’m sayin’  
If you ask me I’m ready  
If you ask me I’m ready
> 
> Why give up before we try  
Feel the lows before the highs  
Clip our wings before we fly away (fly away)  
I can’t say I came prepared  
I’m suspended in the air  
Won’t you come be in the sky with me?

I took a breath, “I was wondering maybe could I make you my baby? If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy? Or would it be so beautiful? Either way I’m sayin’ if you ask me I’m ready.” I counted the repeats on my fingers. Two, three, “If you ask me I’m ready.”

A moment of silence and Yujin scribbled some notes, “I think the intro part should stay because it’s better than starting in the middle.”

“Ok, I agree.”

“And I like the first verse more, but I think the third will do better because the pickup is faster and it is lyrically more compatible for the image you’re putting forth.”

I raised my brow, “What image?”

“Sweet goddess who will say what needs to be said. Especially the ‘fly with me’ line. You’re being very welcoming.” Yujin-oppa smiled at me.

“Ah, I see.” I got out my own sheet music. “So, we’ll go from ‘If you ask me I’m ready’ to the stanza with ‘it is what we make it’ and finishing it out?”

He nodded, “Yes, exactly. Also, I think we should take out the ‘clip our wings’ line because we have to cut down for time and the other lines already make that statement and we don’t need the music bit after it. Might clip an ‘if you ask my I’m ready’ near the end as well and see where that leaves us with time.”

I used pencil to make notes and arrows and stuff. Yujin-oppa did the math and sighed because it was still over two minutes by like 20 seconds. He played the intro over and over again until we just glanced at each other.

“We can cut down the intro!”

The intro itself was 25ish seconds, so it’d work out after all. I was so glad! We went over the new revised version a few times until I got the hang of it. Honestly, I just wrote down the lyrics without certain parts because I knew the tune so well. The car came around 3am, and I had arrived around 11pm. That was four ish hours of practice well spent.

“I’m so happy that I could kiss you!” I said as I gathered my jacket.

“Then why don’t you?” He said.

I laughed, “It’s just an American saying, oppa. Professional relationship, remember?”

Yujin-oppa chuckled, “I’m glad we got this figured out.” He yawned. “Now you can sleep well not worrying about it.”

“I guess so. Thanks again.” I playfully blew him a kiss, Jin style, and he caught it and put it against his heart.

We both laughed, and he waited until I got into the car to go back inside. Kyung asked if everything went well. I told him it had and that I liked how passionate Yujin was about music and how good he was working with others. Asked if I had a crush since I talked so lovingly about him, making me laugh. I assured him it was just work with us despite what he may think about a young woman going to a young man’s apartment late at night.

“Now I’m even driving alone in a car with one.” I laughed. “My mom would kill me.”

He laughed as well, allowing me to sleep as we drove home.

### 1 Week Ago, 9:00am

I had been going to Yujin-oppa’s almost every day, even stayed over for a day because I had such a light schedule. It was just vocal stuff anyways. Then he dropped me off at home. I used my phone light to make my way upstairs and change into my specially made Apeach pajamas. Those 3 hours of sleep were nice. I had taken a bath last night, so I would be ok if I didn’t have time this morning. Which I didn’t.

Instead, I just made sure to carry perfume and deodorant with me. Then Imani and I were driven to Hongdae to sing together. We had to sing three different sets before lunch. So we started here and would end at Gangnam where we’d switch partners. Our set list was “Starry Night” by Mamamoo, “Guilty” by Stellar, and then “Love the Way You Lie” by Rhi-Rhi and Eminem where Imani would be rapping.

It was a good spring day, so I wore pink pleated skirt with a white shirt with a rainbow on it. The skirt was quite short, but I had shorts on under. I had on tube socks and pink converse since I’d be walking a lot today. Imani had her hair in two braids, white shorts, and a sporty tube top under a black mesh t-shirt. It was cute and fit her well, especially with the knee high gladiator sandals.

All eyes were on us for sure. We found a place where people were singing, and we signed up to perform. It went well, and it seemed like the people were surprised by our voices and pronunciation. It was good, but could be better. After our last song, we got applause and then everyone’s phones went off.

They looked down and we quickly and quietly left. It was an electronic air drop done by Kyung. We got back in the car. We waited 30 minutes and then went out again. It was fun getting to just sing my heart out over and over again. Hopefully, it did bring us closer like BigHit was hoping. Then about an hour later, we were back in the car to meet up with our second partners in Gangnam.

“You’ve got soul, Iris.” Imani said playing with her compact.

“Oh, thanks. You’re such an amazing rapper. I wish I had your talent.” I replied.

She scoffed, “You’re just saying that.”

I shook my head, “No, really! If I could rap, like actually rap, then maybe I’d have a better shot at staying on the show.”

“Girl, did you not just hear what I said?”

“Yeah, I know, but it’s–”

“So what if it ain’t what they expect? You’re so much more. Be proud of that!”

I blushed, “T-thanks. You’re very passionate about this.”

Imani looked away, “Well, I need my competition to be just as confident as I am, or I won’t feel satisfied in first place.”

I let out a laugh, and she smiled.

### 10:30am

After our third set of singing together, we had to change outfits. It was time to team up with Hyojoon and Matthew, so I was dressed more rock vibe. I practiced the final dance number we’d be doing at 8pm in my head. It was one of my favorite songs, so I knew it pretty well already. No wait, I couldn’t get ahead of myself.

This time, I was the one wearing shorts with fishnets under them. The boots went to right below my knees. Then I was to wear a flowing red top with it. Hyojoon wore a black shirt and red vest with black ripped jeans. Matthew was in black pants with a red t-shirt. I had a thing for black ripped jeans.

“Hyojoon-oppa, you look great!”

“Not as great as you.” He replied. “I’m so ready for this.”

Matthew added, “You’re both super hot, yea, let’s go.”

I hugged him around the shoulders, “You look amazing too.”

His ears were on fire, “Yeah, yeah.”

Our set was “Why So Lonely” by Wonder Girls, The Rose’s “Baby”, and “Shoot Me” by Day6. I loved rock music so much, and Matt was on guitar. We got applause, the air drop, and then we vanished. Hyojoon knew piano, so he was playing keyboard that he held like a guitar. I never learned an instrument, so I solely used my voice.

It was really fun to sing my parts and tease the boys since they couldn’t move really. I leaned on Hyojoon’s shoulder for a bit and then went over to jam with Matt. Then we moved out as swiftly as it could. No time to confirm anyone’s suspicions other than the staff grabbing anything we left behind. Everything was so portable because of this sing and dash routine we were doing.

The three of us were panting with smiles on our faces as the door closed behind us, and we drove to the next area. The chorus of phone pings and dings replaying in my mind as people saw our poster.

None of us were allowed to check social media until after our night time performance, and I was itching for some public feedback. Before I knew it, the sun had gone down. We were all getting done up for the final performance.

### 7:42pm

It was taking place in Hongdae. There was a stage area here. It was a lot of black, gold, and pink because of the clothing references. I was nervous and could feel my hands getting cold as I held nothing but air since I was wearing a face mic.

“Noona?” Tristan slid his fingers into mine.

“Y-yea?”

He smiled, “You’re gonna do great.”

I looked up at him, “You sure?”

He nodded. I sighed and squeezed his hand. We practiced once from our hidden spot and then were driven to location. People were waiting for us. Anyone who had enough interest in the air dropped posters and our performances throughout the day was here, and man were there a lot of them. Of course everyone wanted to see what BigHit’s next big thing was. I pressed my lips together instead of biting them and ruining my lipstick.

“1, 2, 3, Deify!” We said in the middle and then got into position.

The higher voices began, “It’s too late dasihanbeon malhae. It’s too late”

Sooja stood above us all, “Naeapeseo kkeojyeo”

Matthew was the first to sing, “jansorin jibeochyeo/wae jakkuman dageuchyeo/naega mwol jalmotaesseo eoeo eoeo eoeoeo?”

“janmeori jibeochyeo/wae jakku dwit georeumchyeo” Gina had practiced so hard for this moment. “Hannunpangeo daareo eoeo eoeo eoeoeo?”

I shook my tush with the others.

“Too late neomu neujeo beoryeosseo/Too late ajik neutji anhasseo/Too late naeapeseo sarajyeo/Right now Right now Right now”

And freeze. Bang PD-nim stood up on the stage. People gasped and more cameras came out of pockets.

“Hello, everyone, I am here to share with you a new show coming next week called Deify. It’ll showcase the people you see here before you.”

We all stood up straight in unison, or what I hoped was unison and the girls got into position and put our heads down.

“It is to take what we know and love from girl groups.”

“Save Me, Save You” by WJSN played and we performed for a solid minute before we had to freeze again.

“And our boy groups.”

The girls turned and let boys take center stage as they danced and rapped to Got7’s “Hard Carry” for another minute.

Then we rushed to get into our last starting position while PD spoke, “And put them together to create a five person pantheon of performers to debut within the next two years. That’s right, a co-ed group of gods and goddesses decided by your votes.”

A pause and we heard the murmurs. I was too busy catching my breath to listen to what they were saying. Also, I had a cue.

“Meet…your…deities!”

The upbeat tune of “Hola Hola” by KARD began and I danced the whole thing with Tristan, Sooja, and Nawoo by my side. It had to be altered for three times the amount of members, but we honestly just danced in our own groups of four. We just had to be really aware of our space.

Sometimes, we’d be given the chance to be center stage while our faces and clips taken of us the past months played. Then we got into our unique final pose and took 10 seconds to breathe, and then we bowed and dispersed. Quickly, we were shoved into cars and given water bottles as we went back to our area to get undressed. Once I was back in my own clothes, I was excited for the pizza dinner we’d receive when we got home.

It was the least we could do after such a strict two week diet to lose those last few pounds. For me, it was low carb and no sugar. Do you know how many things have natural sugar in it? Fruit. I couldn’t even have fruit! I really liked fruit. That’s if we did well. PD was watching and he was deciding, so he could just say it’s another night of rice and veggies for us.

We walked through the door, and a tired Dongmin was ushered to the door. He sniffed and his eyes got wide. Sooja pushed him out of the way and unlocked the door.

“PIZZA????”

The twelve of us walked in to the living room and saw two managers standing in the living room with pizza boxes behind them. Well, he looked at us, and we looked at them. And they looked at me, and I looked at them. And they looked at the people on my left and right, and the people on my right and left looked at them.

“Y’all did better than we thought.” Sowoo stood aside.

“Eat up!” Namil chimed in.

We all squealed in excitement and attacked the boxes. It was chaos for a good ten minutes while the 12 of us identified and grabbed at least four slices each and grabbing drinks before sitting down. Yells for drinks and napkins ran over each other. I was so happy.

### Yesterday, 5pm

It was tomorrow. Today was all practice. Practice dances. Practice songs. Practice with cameras. Practice without. Our group medley for the opening was a new and improved version of what we did in public six days ago. I stayed over at Yujin-oppa’s place last night because I was so nervous and Tristan was busy working. We practiced for about two hours, and then he said I would strain my voice if I did any more.

And he didn’t like me going home so late, so he told me to sleep in the guest room. It was very wood based unlike the rest of the house which was more modern and minimalistic with a dash of theatrics. He had a wire chandelier over the piano, and his writing room was dramatic as well.

“You should leave some clothes here since you’re over so often.” He said, helping me figure out the shower.

I laughed, “No, no, no. I could never. That’s crossing a line I don’t wanna cross.”

“Fair enough.” Yujin-oppa said as the water ran. “Enjoy your shower. If you get hungry, feel free to raid the fridge. Also, wake me up if you need anything.”

Then we arrived at our practice together since it was vocal work at 9am. Jun brought me a change of clothes, so I changed my outfit and joined the others. We broke at 12pm to eat lunch and then at 1:30 it was dance practice. The sun was setting when we started to head over to the studio to do camera tracking. We’d do it again tomorrow, but for now.

This was our first time seeing the inside of the studio. It was so Korean. Like, it wasn’t American Idol but did have hints of The Voice with the chair set up. There were 5 of them. One was a bit more comfy looking than the others.

“Bang PD-nim will probably sit in that one.” Hyojoon said my thoughts.

I nodded, “I was thinking the same.”

We were put in base hair, makeup, and wardrobe to make sure we could work it well. Outfit one was school uniforms in the colors we’ve been assigned. Mine was pink and I wore a choker with a rainbow rose on it. Opening and closing numbers would be our Deity. It wasn’t until I saw the directors and producers all sitting behind the cameras that it hit me.

James was on the moving unit behind me to the left, “This is real, huh?”

“I think so.” I replied with a nervous chuckle.

The audience was mostly empty, but it had room for 400 people. We did mic check and performed the opening and then the closing. Then we ran the show from the top. Our video packages and solos would only show during the actual live recording. I was on the moving unit now wearing a flowing lavender dress with silver accents. We all had the same in ears and would get to decorate them sooner or later.

The song ended, and it felt so short. Would it be enough time for people to see why I should make it into the final? It had to be. At least to the next round. That’s all I wanted. Then we practiced it all again in the studio until midnight. We only had like three-four hours of sleep because we got home at 1am and had to be ready by 6 am, showered and hair washed.

My van with Jun, Hyojoon, and James was quiet for a good 10 minutes on the ride home until Jun spoke up.

“This is happening, guys! We’re gonna be idols!”

“I’m so happy I could cry.” Hyojoon said. “I just…I don’t even know what to say.”

James chuckled, “If you don’t have anything to say, we’re doomed.”

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“Don’t give me that.” The blue haired boy replied. “You’re like the unofficial leader of the 12 of us, my friend. Always talking us out of trouble and always there if we need to say something that’s been on our minds.”

Jun nodded, “Agreed. I’m pretty sure if you get into the final group, you’ll actually be the leader.”

“What about Iris?” He put his long hair into a french braid. “She’s the same.”

I answered, “Yeah, but you’re Korean and know so much more in terms of culture. My lack of it has caused more trouble than my advice is worth. I’m just being myself and encourage others to do the same.”

“Which directly cancels out Halla’s.” James chuckled.

Halla (aka Hallakgungi aka Hyojoon) was always about being nice and pleasing to the public. I was like that, but I cared less about what others thought. It came from being the weird kid and not really knowing it until later. Like, there’s a reason why I liked theatre. I was normal there.

We got home and some showered now so we wouldn’t have to we they woke up and could just do our face routine and brush teeth. I was tired, but couldn’t sleep. So I took my Apeach plush to the red room and went over what we learned today. I was having some trouble with the ending number.

I smiled at my phone. Yujin was so good to me. He cared, and it made my heart flutter. Maybe I had a tiny crush on him. Maybe it was bigger than tiny. Still, I’d never act on my feelings. I hardly ever did, but the reason was even bigger than just a lack of self confidence. He was a good teacher. The door opened, and Sooja was standing there with a bowl of microwave ramen and her hair in a beanie. She wore it most of the time.

“Hey.”

“Who you texting?” She sat next to me.

“Yujin-oppa. He’s just checking in and telling me to go to bed.” I laughed.

“Mmm.”

I won’t do too much before the show. Trust me. I wanna have energy too. <

I put my phone up, “It still doesn’t feel real. Tomorrow, the world will know our names. Our everything if the sasaengs haven’t found all of our info already.”

Sooja giggled, “It’s hard to sleep. I’m too excited.”

“OMG same here.”

“Can you believe we still don’t know who the judges are? I’m pretty sure someone from BTS is gonna be there, though.” She said.

I looked at her, “What makes you think that?”

“It just makes sense. My guess is on RM. He is the leader of his own group, so he might be looking for the leader of the next group.” She shoved some noodles in her mouth and slurped. “Alsho, he knowes Englash.”

“You might be right. With the amount of work he does with songwriting and stuff, it’d be pretty dumb not to. He’s sort of the main bridge between all the audiences.” I pet Apeach’s head.

She turned on the XBOX, “Three rounds of Mario Kart, and then off to bed. Doing the familiar tracks puts me into a hypnotized state and makes it easier to sleep.” Sooja handed me a controller. “Play with me.”

“Three rounds then bed.”

We fell asleep while waiting for the track to load. It seemed we were more tired than we thought we were. Just being near each other helped us relax. My alarm went off at 5 so that I could take a shower and wash my hair. I wasn’t patient enough to wait for the others to get out of the shower and for warm water. Jun helped my comb out my hair as I did my face routine. Cameras were waiting outside. Even the ones in the halls and in our room seemed to be more active than usual. We switched spots and Jun did her routine while I helped her slip on a simple short black wig over his cap.

Then we put on slippers and easy to remove clothing. Throwing our pajamas in our laundry baskets. An announcement on the PA, “The car will be arriving in 10 minutes. Please be seated in the living room or outside by that time. Thank you.”

It was Namil’s voice. Our managers must’ve been here already. We all got downstairs in a timely manner. James was on the phone with someone with his manager by his side. Something was wrong. Since we were riding together, I’d ask him once we got in the car. Once in the car, it was a quick vocal warm up.

“So, who were you talking to?” I asked. “If it’s not too personal.”

James shook his head, “The store got robbed back home. Well, it was an attempted robbery. Dad just wanted me to know everyone was ok, but they gotta replace a few windows and the locks.”

“I’m glad everyone’s ok. I’m sure once people see your face on TV, they’ll be flocking to eat your parents’ food.”

He smiled, “Thanks, Farai. You’re such a good person.”

I smiled in return. We greeted our styling crew and sat and waited for our turns.

People checked in with others and went over steps here and there. Singing and humming was heard for the entire time. I fell asleep while the sides of my hair were flat-twisted in order for my mohawk to look cooler. I had a soft but edgy vibe going for me. I’d be wearing pink and dresses today, so my hair had to be the edgy part. The rest of my hair was taken out of the twists it had been in for about a month.

I looked great! I felt excited to the point where I lowkey wanted to throw up. Kyung started fanning me and getting me to calm down when I told him that. We were backstage, and I was sitting on a speaker that I had permission to sit on.

“Noona, are you ok?” Tristan rubbed my arm and I nodded.

“She just got a bit too excited.” Kyung replied. “Oh, I meant to talk to you two. I didn’t remember until now, but…please. Don’t have too much skinship during the show. We don’t want the audience to misunderstand your relationship and have you two losing out on votes because of your friendship.”

Tristan pouted, “I understand.”

“Please make it clear during next week’s package. Use footage from inside the house if you must. I give you my permission and will sign whatever papers you need me to.” I responded while bouncing my knee.

Kyun nodded, “Understood. I’ll make a note of it. What are we going for? Best friends? Brother sister?”

“Brother sister sounds about right,” I said. “but I’m not very touchy feely with my own siblings.”

Tristan added, “I don’t think being your brother would be fun, either. Friends sounds better to me.”

“Yeah.”

“Puppy like platonic friendship it is then.” My manager typed into his phone.

Then we were called to the stage. I made sure to tell Tristan that he looked great in his golden accented school uniform. He smiled and thanked me before going off to his spot. Wait, who was the puppy?

We didn’t sing all out during rehearsals. Kimbap rolls were today’s lunch along with lots of water and energizing fruits. I drizzled lemon on top of the sliced avocados along with some salt and ate it with a fork. My mom used to do this all the time. 

James looked at me, holding back a laugh, “Yo, Iris…is, pfft. Is that. Freesh ava cadoo?”

I snorted so hard that guacamole almost came out of my nose. My hand flew to my mouth as we both laughed. Gina, Imani, Sooja, and Matthew were trying hard not to bust a gut either while the others were pretty much clueless. We ate as much as we were allowed because we’d be having a very late dinner after the show.

### Today, 7:10am

We were told that we had to head downstairs. With tired eyes and our plushies, we went to go see what was up. Our alarms said that we had to start our days at 8, so this was unexpected.

“Ladies, glad you could join us. Is that everyone?” Dabit was there in TV Casual clothing.

I laid my head on Sooja’s shoulder & yawned.

“My dear deities, I know you’ve all made your home in your cozy bedrooms, right?”

We nodded.

He continued, “Even though I’m sure you were all expecting something a bit more…personalized when you arrived due to the survey we had you all fill out.”

More sleepy nods.

“Those ideas have actually been put together to make the Weekly Winner’s Room. Whoever has the highest score of the week will be allowed to stay in a beautiful bedroom made for a deity with two people of their choosing until elimination day.”

We all looked at each other, now more awake than before. A Winner’s Room with our best friends? The bed had to be comfier than our mattresses.

Dabit looked at us and smiled, “Although I cannot show you pictures of the room, I can tell you that it includes a fireplace, a reading area, a walk in closet, and…its own bathroom.”

We all got so excited at that last part. Private bathroom! We’d still have to share it but at least it was with less people! Now we had even more reason to do our best.

### 6:55pm

In five minutes, it was showtime. We got into place and the host with the most, Dabit. He was a radio host that had gotten rather popular lately. I stood in my pink school uniform and white Mary Janes and glanced around behind the curtain like screen. We gave each other smiles and thumbs up. We hear our voices on the recording.

“…This, this right here is a dream come true!” Imani’s voice spoke.

“Oh, totally would’ve have imagined that I’d be chosen to do something like this.” Matthew’s was full of giddy nerves. “As if, this is amazing!”

My own Korean speaking voice caught my attention, “There is no one like me in K-pop or Z-pop, and my hope is that there will be. Me.” I laughed at my own joke in the recording.

I shook my head at how selfish I sounded, but it was still true two months later. Just two months that felt like six.

Hyojoon spoke on the clip, “I’ve always wanted to be a part of something big. Someone that would change what k-pop was to something even better. Becoming an idol will help me make that happen.”

“Idols are basically modern day gods, which is why I think PD chose the name of the show.” I could hear James’s smile in his voice.

“And so…” Alice said. “I found out that all I have to do is become one myself. I had to deify.”

All our voices repeated the word, “Deify.”

They chose my voice and face for this ending part, “Won’t you put your faith in me?”

> It’s too late dasihanbeon malhae. It’s too late/Naeapeseo kkeojyeo/jansorin jibeochyeo/wae jakkuman dageuchyeo/naega mwol jalmotaesseo eoeo eoeo eoeoeo?/janmeori jibeochyeo/wae jakku dwit georeumchyeo/Hannunpangeo daareo eoeo eoeo eoeoeo?
> 
> Too late neomu neujeo beoryeosseo/Too late ajik neutji anhasseo/Too late naeapeseo sarajyeo/Right now Right now Right now

We froze.

“Let’s meet the judges!” Dabit read from the teleprompter. “She is a world famous choreographer known for dances such as Taemin’s ‘Move’, ‘Fallin in Love’ by 2ne1, and ‘Good Evening’ by SHINee. Please welcome Sugawara Koharu!” 

A short haired beauty with red lipstick and a black crop top showed up and bowed to the audience and the dancers.

“Our next judge is an internationally famous actress who starred in movies such as ‘Crazy Rich Asians’, ‘Ocean’s 8’, and ‘Neighbors 2’. Gauging audience engagement and star power, put your hands together for Awkwafina!”

We all stood up straight in unison, and this time I was sure it was unison. We all performed “Save Me, Save You” this time around because of the beauty in sheer numbers and it would be an easier transition to keep us all on stage for the opening. We stayed in our poses.

“The child actor who has come to reclaim the spotlight from a more positive angle, Choi Yujin!”

I was shook when I saw short lavender hair walk to his seat. He had been working with us the entire time and never once said that he’d be a judge on the show. Maybe that’s why he was so eager to get to know us. A child actor, too. It explained why he was so good at giving direction.

Dabit smiled and waited for him to sit before announcing the next judge, “International kpop star and member of the very first BigHit group, of course we had to have one of them on our panel. From the boyband BTS, welcome the one and only Suga!”

The pale man strutted down the stage to his seat, bowing and smiling to the audience and to us competitors as well. He gave us his “gang sign” and we smiled back at him. He fixed Dabit’s tie and then sat.

Got7 played and our bodies performed what they had learned. We must’ve looked strange performing such a song in our current outfits, but we were good at pretending we didn’t feel awkward. Then we faced inward and were already bowing.

“Last but not least, the creator of amazing groups such as BTS and TXT, the one man who made all of this possible. Bang PD-nim!”

We waited for him to pass an then music cue for “Hola Hola”. A mix of the three songs played and we ended in our Deity pose, breathing hard. People applauded. The screen curtain closed and we waited 30 more seconds before breaking our poses. Then we quickly got into position. To stand and look forward as they opened again.

“Meet…your…deities!”

Just as we practiced, we were lowered to ground level, walked center stage to bow to the judges and audience then backstage. No hitches.

I made sure to playfully squint my eyes at Yujin-oppa who screamed the loudest for me since we couldn’t cheer on stage right now. Too nervous to do so as well. Then it was back to hair and makeup to change into our solo stage outfits. We watched the screen backstage.

I only caught the end of it from when I returned to my body from being on stage like that, “…put them together to create a five person pantheon of performers to debut within the next two years. That’s right, a co-ed group of gods and goddesses decided by your votes.”

“Lips.” Ed said with glittery lipstick in hand.

I stuck them out as Alice was ushered into the chair next to me, “So, Yujin-oppa, huh?”

“Yeah. I couldn’t believe it.” Nawoo said. “I feel like we should’ve been able to figure that out ourselves.”

Gina giggled, “And yet we did not.”

We laughed and talked about the judges. It felt so much more serious, but we were too relieved to know who they were to feel that right now. I had my eyes closed for setting spray when I heard James performing “All I Wanna Do” by Jay Park. By the time I was getting my dress zipped up the back, Gina was performing “Bubble Pop” and probably giving people international boners.

I had purple pink highlighter put on my cheeks as a touch up and then got into position, and then I was put onto the moving unit and went up. There was no real tether, so I just had to be careful. Safety!

So I stayed up there as they played my package.

“Hey guys, I’m Iris from Sweet Home Alabama in the US. Home of engineers and rocketships! I’ve lived here for most of my life and now I’m here in Korea to make my dreams come true. I’ve always been an artsy kid…” Pics of me in different costumes in high school and college were put up.

I didn’t think my dancing clip had been shown yet, so that was good. Don’t worry about notes. Don’t worry about anything else. Just sing, Iris. I told myself and opened my mouth.

“Moment of honesty, someone’s got to take the lead tonight. Who’s it gonna be…” I had my eyes opened and focused on the anonymous faces in the audience.

From practice earlier, I knew that the Korean lyrics were being projected or shown on the five units since I was singing in English. They’d do that for everyone who sang/rapped in English for easier access. I felt my arms shaking and took a mental moment and closed my eyes.

“…It’s becoming something that’s impossible to ignore/It is what we make it/I was wondering maybe/Could I make you my baby/If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy/Or would it be so beautiful either way I’m sayin’/If you ask me I’m ready…If you ask me I’m ready.”

Something different happened. I had started to cry for some odd reason. Like, I felt like I was doing good. I wasn’t overthinking. Was I scared? I’d worry about it later.

“…I can’t say I came prepared/I’m suspended in the air/Won’t you come be in the sky with me?” I reached out my hands to the audience and gave a small smile like I was directed to. “I was wondering maybe/Could I make you my baby/If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy?/Or would it be so beautiful? Either way I’m sayin’ if you ask me, I’m ready.”

I made eye contact with the flying camera in front of me, “If you ask me, I’m ready.”

The music ended, and I received applause. During which, I was put back on the ground and Dabit offered his hand. I took it so that we were able to walk center stage. I bowed and the host offered me his handkerchief for me to dab at my eyes.

“Hello everyone, I am the goddess Iris. Nice to meet you.” I bowed.

“How are you feeling right now?” Dabit asked.

I gave a small laugh and answered with a smile, “I don’t know what feelings are right now.”

The audience laughed.

“It has not sunk in yet.” I added.

“Well let’s see what the judges are thinking. Let’s start off with Bang PD-nim.”

He smiled at me, “Hello, Iris.”

I bowed.

“You were really good up there. It’s exactly what I expected from you. Beautiful and full of grace, and you didn’t hold back at all. Great job.” He nodded. “I wanna critique you, but you were too good.”

I was shocked, “Thank you, sir.” and bowed.

“What about you, Sugawara Koharu?”

She looked at me, “So, we have not yet seen your choreo video, but–and I say this in the nicest way possible–you’re not a dancer.”

“I am not.” I confirmed.

“You didn’t have much dance in your performance tonight. However, your movement. The way you held yourself went with the song perfectly.” She waited for the applause to die down. “A bit hesitant in a few spots, but it’s just the first night. You’ve got so much room to grow. Can’t wait to see your video.”

I bowed and then it was Suga’s time to speak, “Hello.”

“Hello, Suga.” I couldn’t help but smile.

“I don’t have much to say, but you didn’t plan to cry like that, did you?” He pointed up to the stage.

“No, sir. I did not.” I looked behind myself. “I honestly do not know what came over me.”

Suga continued, “You’re a performer, Iris. You’re happy right now, right?”

I nodded, “Very happy. I…I cannot put it into words, but I feel like this is where I belong.”

He gave a small grin, “Thought so, and I would agree.” With a motion of his hand, people clapped.

“Why hello there, my rainbow goddess.”

“Hello there, Yujin-oppa.”

He smiled, “Surprised?”

“Yes.” I replied.

“Then we’re even. So, I’ve been working with you for two months. What you did tonight was not something I could teach you. It’s not…something…” He collected himself. “What I’m trying to say is you surprised me tonight in the best ways possible. You almost missed your cue to come back in, but that’s the only mistake I could see tonight.”

I nodded, “Almost, or did I?”

“Almost, Iris. Almost.” He grinned. “Also, you squinted at me earlier, what was that about?”

“You kept a secret from us for two whole months but I’m not mad. I just couldn’t believe what a plot twist it was.” I answered and noticed I had been speaking informally. He said it was ok personally, but we were on TV now.

“Moving on…Awkwafina. What do you wanna say?” Dabit motioned to the actress.

“Hello, Iris. I only have one question. Why did you pick this song?” She asked.

“I wanted to show the world who I am. We had to define ourselves in one song, and I wanted to let the world know that–whatever happens–I’m ready.”

She smiled, “I think the world knows. Thank you for such a beautiful song tonight.”

Yujin and I had eaten up some time, so the answer was short and sweet. People applauded and I went backstage to get changed into my last outfit of the night. Staff and my competitors told me that I did a good job on my way to getting my dress off. Tristan hugged me without a word and then waited for his turn.

God, I was tired but also very glad. Just content I would say. About half an hour later, my dance package was shown, and Sugawara Koharu was taking notes. Tristan performed “One Shot” by B.A.P. dressed similarly to the music video. My lips were now a light pink color. Imani went next, but I didn’t get to see her full performance since Sirab wanted to fix something with my short pink sequin dress.

When I came back to the screen, I was in a holographic dress instead and Hallagungi was rapping “Love” by RM. It made me so happy to hear that song.

“He must be crazy nervous performing that in front of Suga.” I said.

Gina nodded, “I would’ve started crying.”

Soon enough, it was the end, and we did the BangTwice “I’m So Bulletproof” mashup and then waved to everyone. No one was getting voted off tonight since it was the first week. That would happen in 7 days. The next theme was “A Song by an Artist that Inspired You” I already had my artist, but it sucked that I wouldn’t be singing in Korean.

“Why not Korean?” a sleepy Matthew asked.

“No Korean artist inspired me to sing. I’ve been singing since I was a child and didn’t even know Korean was a language.” I replied. “I gotta be honest on who really inspired the girl I am today.”

He agreed, “Aight, legit.”

We went back home and had to do an interview in the Diary Room and pick a song before going to bed. I submitted my song before going into the Diary Room. Basically, we just had to talk about how we felt today doing our first live show.

“I just can’t believe it’s real.” I started. “I cried, so that was fun. I think I was just so glad and that song is so touching that it made me super vulnerable. I sang in front of thousands of people worldwide. They saw me and yeah, they’re judging me, but I know I did good.”

I looked down and played with my hands, “I’m nervous they’re gonna judge my body and Dongmin’s body and say we shouldn’t be famous or we shouldn’t be put in a positive light because we’re big. We’re thicc. We’re fat. So very fat, and apparently the size of your waist decides if you’re a good person or not.” I gave a bitter chuckle.

“To be honest, I don’t care. I’ll get upset because people are judging me for something other than my talent, but I have people who love and care for me. Who think I’m beautiful. One of them is Tristan.” I smiled. “We’ve been close ever since day one. My little dongsaeng.”

I told a few stories about how we’ve been spending time together but quickly got back on topic saying I had a good first night. How surprised I was about Yujin-oppa and Suga and how hot everyone on the panel was.

“Even Bang PD-nim.” I said not wanting to exclude him but also not meaning it 100%. “Oh my god, please don’t put that in. He might fire me.”

Time was up. We changed into bathing suits and had a hot tub night. We all got sparkling cider and I stood up since Hyojoon was still tongue tied over the whole situation.

“No matter what happens next week, we were amazing! We made our marks in this world of k-pop and started our paths to stardom.” I looked at all of them. “We sang and danced and we’ll sing and dance again. All of you, all of us did our very best and worked so hard. Thank you for all your hard work. Even if we are separated, we’re still a family.” I raised my glass. “To family!”

“To family!” Everyone cheered.

Then we got a text in the group chat.

Well, that put a damper on things, but Dongmin spoke up. “Iris said no matter what happens, we’re a family. Ok? She means that and so do I.”

Shower, and then everyone went to their rooms. Well, Tristan and I cuddled while cutting lines in our songs to reach the 90 second mark. This week, I showed who I am as a person. Next week, I was gonna show my voice by performing Adam Lambert. My first song had been rejected because it was too naughty.

“What song are you doing, noona?”

“It’s “Strut’ by Adam Lambert. He really inspired me to become a singer, and I studied him for years to get where I am now. I’m his number one fan and I’ll fight anyone who says differently.” I replied. “What about you?”

He showed me his paper, “Super Junior and ‘Black Suit’ because it’s a bop, and Super Junior was my everything. Made me wanna become a singer within a week.” Tristan chuckled.

Then he held my hand, “We can be ourselves on stage, right? I don’t wanna hide and lie about being your friend.”

“Of course. That’s why I said what I did. We shouldn’t lie to our fans.” I squeezed his hand. “You’re my closest friend other than Jun, and people need to get used to their idols having friendships with other genders.”

He smiled and hugged me, “You’re so amazing, Noona!”


	7. Week 2

### Friday, 7:02am

I woke up leaning on Tristan. Our hands still together. I laughed and then waved to the camera. We had practice and it was 5am. I woke Tristan up by gently shaking him and pulling him up. He was a large dude, so when he resisted, I was flung into his lap. Then he hugged me like a teddy bear.

“Tristan, please.” I giggled at this predicament.

“Hmmm?” His brown eyes opened slowly. Then he nearly jumped out of his seat and let me go. “I’m so sorry, Noona!” He bowed at my feet.

I smoothed my pajamas out of awkwardness, “Just go get ready for practice. I’m going upstairs to change.”

He nodded, “Ok. Sorry!”

At practice, we worked on “Anpanman” and it had to be altered for 12 people instead of the original seven. I was doing mostly Jungkook’s moves but had to switch to Jin’s here and there just so that it would work out with everyone. During our five minute break, we were told that we would get to do dress as a superhero during the intro.

Every single black person in that room (including me) went, “I call Black Panther!”

We stared at each other and couldn’t help but laugh and then did rock, paper, scissors to decide who got to be T’Challa. James won making us girls frustrated.

“Then I get to be Catwoman!” We said. “No, me! Oh my fucking gosh.”

“Y’know what. Have it. Be Catwoman.”

Imani lifted her brow, “Why?”

“I just had theatre flashbacks, and I never wanna wear anything resembling a morph suit again.” I shuddered at the memory. “I’ll be Bumblebee.”

Matthew just stared at us, “I just want to apologize for forgetting like every black Super Hero that wasn’t Miles or T’Challa. How did I forget Cyborg, Bumblebee, Static Shock!” He got on his knees. “I’ve failed you Stan Lee, Malcolm Wheeler-Nicholson, and Martin Goodman!”

Alice pushed him over, “I’ll be Spider Gwen.”

Sooja gasped and then pouted, “Harley’s not a hero, dang it!”

Jun raised his hand, “Wonder Woman!”

Nawoo said, “I’ve always adored Robin!”

Hyojoon made his voice deep, “I’ll be your Batman.”

“Aquaman!” Tristan piped up. “But the Teen Titans one. Not Jason.”

“I shall be…Miss America!” Gina grinned.

Dongmin was thinking, “Oh, uh, does it have to be American comics? I’ve always looked up to Choji from Naruto.”

“Then I’ll be Luffy!” Matt said.

“I got it!” Sooja jumped up. “Maka from Soul Eater! Ah, but I think one of the Not girls would fit my image better. For now, Maka.”

“Should we write this down?” Nawoo asked.

I started reading out the list, “James is Black Panther, Imani is Catwoman, I’m Bumblebee, Alice is Spider Gwen, Wonder Woman for Jun, Nawoo chose Robin and Hyojoon is Batman. Tristan is Aquaman (Teen Titans version), Gina is Miss America, Dongmin wants to be Choji, Luffy for Matt, and Maka for Sooja? Is that right?”

While they were talking, I was typing it on my phone. They all stared at me and nodded.

“Ok, I’ll send it in. Also, I’m willing to help anyone with designing their outfit if they wanna tweak a thing or two.”

“Me too!” Nawoo said. “I’m a bit of an artist.”

I gave him a high five.

“Alright, guys, back to practice!” our teacher came back in. “From the top!”

### Friday, 2:05pm

After dance practice, most of us had the moves down. It was time for me to go to my acting class now. I asked Kyung if I could eat before, but he said we didn’t have time. James called out my name and told me to catch. I raised my hands and caught a bracelet with a pink rose charm on it.

“Couldn’t find a rainbow one. Hope it’s ok!” He called down the hallway.

“Of course! It’s amazing!”

I was always the one to leave first in front of everyone else on Fridays for this altered schedule. Everyone else was scheduled for language class. This sort of took the place of it since I was speaking mostly Korean. Now, I can’t tell this to anyone else, but I was working with SM acting trainees since I was the only acting trainee for BigHit. They were nice and kind, so we got along well.

There was one 12 year old who was stuck to my hip most of the time. She was Japanese and very shy. There was a half Russian half Korean girl that always pulled me along to do group exercises with her too. Nanami and Mila were their names. We spoke to each other in Korean and Nanami only wanted to perform scenes with me. I did my best to cheer her on when performing with others, but her stage fright was extreme.

We were in groups looking over monologues and helping each other with them. Every once in a while, I’d hear my name and notice people glancing at me. One girl with the typical Korean school girl hairstyle and still in her uniform came up to me even though her members told her not to.

“Iris, you know how to speak Korean, right?” She asked me.

I nodded, “I do know how to speak Korean. I am not fluent. I have been studying Korean for six months.”

“Then why did you not sing Korean on the show?”

“The topic given to me did not allow me to sing in Korean. I do hope I get to sing in the beautiful Korean language soon.” I replied.

“I see. I hope so too because me and my friends won’t vote for you even though we really like your voice as long as you sing in English.”

She walked away before I could reply. That felt rude. It was definitely ignorant, but was it rude as well? Or was it just the way she said it?

Mila scoffed, “Don’t worry about her. They’re just mad they can’t understand English.” She said that last part while making eye contact with them.

“Iris-ssi, please join me in the hallway.” A woman we recognized as the one who overlooked the acting department said. “Now.”

“Yes, ma’am.” I responded and left my booklet with Nanami and Mila.

I smoothed my skirt and walked passed everyone else into the hallway. This might have been something about BigHit and JYP no longer working together, so I had to find somewhere else to get trained in acting. Maybe it wasn’t even about me. But why else would she call me specifically if it wasn’t about me?

“Farai, I’m only asking you this because I don’t know if she’ll listen to anyone else.” She said. “It’s about Nanami.”

“Nanami might be kicked out if she doesn’t act with others. Is that what you wanted to tell me?” I asked. It was the first thing that came to mind.

She nodded, “I’m proud of her for acting with you because she used to be so quiet with everyone but Mila, but it’s just too slow. We have tons of parts for her if she’s able to be just a little bit braver.”

I nodded, “Alright. I shall talk to her. Thank you for letting me know.” I bowed. “I hope you enjoy your day.”

She gave a small bow in return and left.

I went back to Nanami and did some lines with her before taking a moment to talk to her seriously. “Nanami-kun, I have a question.”

“Yes?” Her confident voice asked.

“Is there a reason you don’t like acting with others?”

She looked at me, “I’m just really scared. I feel more comfortable in here than outside of class, but because I don’t get to know the others not in acting, I feel like they think I’m snobby. I’m not. Just always nervous.”

“So you feel like they don’t like you, so you don’t interact?”

Nanami nodded and looked at her hands, her sleeves giving her sweater paws.

“How about you try talking to Haruka outside of acting tomorrow? She’s pretty shy too.” I motioned to the Japanese girl with black and purple hair who stuttered over her lines in a nearby group. “I’ll join your group if you want me to, but you really need to push yourself just a little bit.”

I knew how much she wanted to be an actress. The only thing holding her back was herself and it felt as though I was looking at a young me. Loved the arts but too nervous to fully dive into them.

Nanami nodded and Mila said that she’d look out for her when they crossed paths, probably in the cafeteria. Soon enough, class was over and I got my long hug from the two of them before going back to my own manager.

### Friday, 5:30pm

In the car, I went over the Korean lesson and took notes. When Kyung opened his mouth to ask if I was hungry, my stomach growled, cutting him off.

“Ok. Food and then a fitting. Sirab wants to talk to you asap.”

“Takeout?” I asked with wide eyes.

“Fruit bowl.” He said getting us to stop at a convenience store and letting me get the food myself.

I puffed my cheeks and prepared myself for human interaction. He wanted a soda and a tuna salad sandwich. I picked up a basket as I was greeted by the employee in blue. First to the fridge for what Kyung wanted. My eyes saw the sandwich he wanted quickly and put it in the basket. I smiled at myself.

“My Korean is improving.” I said out loud in a sing song voice catching the attention of an older man.

I bowed my head to him and then grabbed Kyung’s favorite soda before getting a fruit bowl and a smoothie for myself. Then I also grabbed a bag of jellies and–ha I said jellies instead of gummies. I hoped they wouldn’t be confiscated from me. As I was checking out, the cashier asked what I was doing here.

“Oh, I’m part of BigHit’s TV competition show.” We had been told to say it when we could for ratings.

She dropped my gummies, “Iris-nim?”

“Yes.” I had a mask on, so she recognized my voice and maybe my eyes.

She packed up my bags, “You get the gummies for free. I’ll vote for you when I can!”

“What, no, no. I don’t–”

“You sang Alicia Keys. I love her so much. Please take it.”

Kyung came in, “Iris, what’s taking so long?”

“I met a fan of the show, manager.” I looked at him. “She wants to give me this for free.”

He pouted, “You’re not even allowed to have these.” and took the packet from my hand. “Pay for the stuff. We’re gonna be late.”

“Can I please have an autograph?” She held up her school notebook and pen.

Kyung held my bags and told me to hurry up as he left. I signed the notebook as Iris, putting a halo above the second i. Then we bowed to each other, and I left. As I left, I almost bumped into the old man who then stopped me to say he thought I was beautiful and wanted to see me in a hanbok someday.

“I shall try my best to make sure that happens. Thank you for the kind compliments.” I bowed.

“Iris, we’re short on time!” Kyung said.

I bowed low once more to the old man, “I am sorry. Please excuse me.”

Then I dashed out of the store and into the car. My manager gave me a light scolding that still put me in a bit of a bad mood. I loved him, but he was so strict. He said he’d be back in two hours.

Sirab told me to take off my clothes and get into the body shaper. I did as told and heard a crinkle in my hoodie pocket. It was the gummies. I smiled and shoved them in my 2D looking bag. She must’ve slipped it in there while I was signing her notebook. Maybe the old man? No, it couldn’t have been the old man.

We talked about my Anpanman outfit and how we were going to pink-ify it. He asked to see my sketch. I got it out and said it was based on a comic book outfit rather than the one on Teen Titans because I didn’t wanna wear a crop top. He said it’d be easy to make the yellow parts pink or if I’d rather the black parts pink. I liked the visual of black and pink more. Still, this didn’t feel right.

“How about instead of…” I bit my lip.

“Yea?” He rested his head on his hand and looked at me. “Finish what you were saying.”

“Instead of changing the color of the entire outfit, make it more features. Like the glasses and maybe add some things here to be pink.” I drew on his tablet copy. “Because she is Bumblebee, the yellow is important to get across the bee part.”

Sirab rubbed his chin and picked up the tablet, “Thank goodness for you. My mind was drawing a blank on not making the pink so overwhelming!” He grabbed and kissed my hands. “Alright, now let’s get a base on you.”

I ate my snacks while my outfit designing began to take a 3D form. After this, I had to head to my recording session. I wondered if Yujin-oppa would still be working with us since he was a judge as I zipped up my shoes. My base outfit was black pleather leggings and ankle boots. Also, a black sleeveless turtleneck. He’d make my armor but had some more ideas for that part so it’d be done later.

“Might just 3D print it on a cast of your body. I’ll check your schedule.” He said as I changed back into my normal clothing.

“Ok!” I replied. “Thank you for your work today.” I bowed.

My second outfit would include ripped jeans and a leather jacket, probably pink and studded or something.

### Friday, 7:30pm

I got my pass for the day and went to the studio. Adora was the one helping me get the grounds for this week’s song. She mostly had me sing it acoustic and then with a track in its entirety. Then we talked about what I wanted the song to mean to the audience. As we worked on making a good mix for my voice, she looked at me.

“Is everything alright?” She asked in English.

“Hmm?” Wait, why wasn’t she speaking Korean? “So suddenly?”

She laughed at my shocked reaction and spoke in her native language, “I’m just making sure you’re doing good, mentally that is. I know it can be hard doing stuff like this, and it’s gotta be hard sticking out like a sore thumb everywhere you go.” In English she asked, “No one is giving you shit, right?”

I shook my head, “Everyone’s been really nice. I think I might be a bit homesick, though. Just there’s nothing familiar about Korea unless I’m on stage.”

Adora nodded, “I’m glad. It’ll feel like home sooner or later. Call you mom when you get a chance. Just leave a message. I’m sure she’d like to hear your voice.”

I gave her a small smile as she pat my arm. We went over the revised version and we finished round 1 of recording and getting the song done. Time to hit the gym. There was one close by with a pool, so I went there instead of home. I practiced “Anpanman” while on the treadmill, the arm parts.

My phone rang and I picked up right away after seeing the name, “Hello, PD-nim.”

“Hello, Iris. I just wanted to check in and see how you were.”

“Doing well.” I replied. “Thank you for checking in.”

“It sounds like you’re busy. What are you up to?”

I slowed my speed, “At the gym, sir. Kyung said it would be better if we went to the one near the recording studio instead of the one at home since it was closer. Is that alright? He is nearby, so there is nothing to worry about.”

“Yes, quite fine. I wanted to call you in for this, but I feel it better if we do it like this.”

“…Do what, sir?”

I stopped the machine and got some water. There was a too long pause before Bang PD spoke again. He was curious about my relationship with Tristan and making sure we were just platonic friends. There were no rules against dating in BigHit and that was the same for trainees even though it was discouraged. Still, there would be trouble if I was dating a fellow member, especially so early. I assured him we were just friends and that I wasn’t looking to date currently.

“That’s good to hear. Keep your eye on the prize, Iris.”

“I will, sir. May I ask why you wanted to ask me about this yourself?”

He chuckled, “Because I was approving some footage for the show, and it seems like you requested a special package about you and Tristan. I was making sure we didn’t misrepresent you and him in any way.”

I smiled, “I’m glad. Thank you, PD-nim, for being so considerate.”

“Yes.” He replied. “I’ll be hanging up now.”

“Have a good day, sir.”

He hung up first and then I put my phone in my bag. I didn’t have time for dinner and a quick swim, so I took a shower and met the others at an Italian place for food. It was a casual place thank goodness. We looked like a whole bunch of messes. Hair mostly in hats and ponytails, faces bare af. Y’know other than Jun and Imani who wouldn’t be caught dead without a full face of makeup. 

We talked about our days and how our songs were coming along. The twelve of us scheduled two group practices for tomorrow, but before and after practice we could do whatever we decided to do. I just wanted to sleep and maybe get a massage because my body was so sore. Jun said he could schedule one for the two of us, but it probably wouldn’t happen until next weekend.

I told her to do it anyways. An athlete’s massage preferably. After dinner, we just chilled around the house. Some went to go practice and others did gym. I didn’t have time to swim earlier, so I decided to go for a quick dip in the indoor pool located in the basement before heading off to bed. I wanted to swim laps but my body hurt too much. It was better to take it easy.

Alice got in with me, making me flinch because I hadn’t heard her come in.

“It’s just me.” She said in Korean. “You look so tired, love.”

“I am. I got the rough draft of my song written and recorded. The rough draft of everything, to be honest. My superhero costume, my song, the dance. I want to do more, but my body misses sleep and I feel dizzy.” I sighed. “Sorry. I’m just complaining.”

She shook her head, “You have all the right to. Just let off some steam. Have you orgasmed lately?”

I suddenly sat up on the stairs, “W-what?”

“You know, orgamsed.” She said that in English.

I covered her mouth, “I know what you said! Just caught me off guard, that’s all.”

“Answer?”

“No. I can’t. There are cameras everywhere, and I don’t wanna do it in the bathrooms that multiple people use. Not like I have I time or anything.” I made tiny whirlpools in the water with my finger.

Alice responded, “You have tomorrow. Cover the cams on accident and go ham…or fish.”

Jun entered, “Did someone say fish?” He had learned a lot of his English by watch RPDR.

We chuckled as he walked in wearing a golden bikini and a towel draped around his hip. Jun slid in next to us and asked what we were talking about, blinking a couple of times at how blunt Alice said it.

“I mean, you’re not wrong. It’s not like they’re gonna show us fingerpainting on TV, but I don’t want even the editors to see that.” Jun replied.

I motioned to her to mean that was exactly what I was trying to say.

Alice then giggled, “You just don’t wanna be caught moaning Tristan’s name.”

“I would not!” I said, my cheeks getting super hot. 

She chuckled even more. Jun pat my back, “There there, girly. If you say so. Anyways, maybe if we go somewhere this weekend, we could get off.”

“We’re not going to the Red Light district.”

“Not anything like that…not exactly.”

Alice looked at her, “Then where?”

Jun winked and then James, Tristan, Hyojoon, and Dongmin came in running, “Glow Stick pool party!”

We squealed as multicolored Glow Sticks were chucked into the pool and the lights were turned off. Splashes of the boys jumping in followed. Somehow, I was lifted onto James’s shoulders and Alice was lifted up by Hyojoon. “Anpanman” blared from the waterproof speaker one of them brought. Well, that was a sudden turn around. It wasn’t long before we were giggling and partying with the rest of them.

At some point, I got ambitious and tried to stand on James’s shoulders as he held me steady and Tristan quickly got behind me.

“Noona, be careful!”

“I will be. Don’t distract me!” I said being a bit wobbly but ok after letting out a breath.

Still, I quickly got back into a sitting position since the height was a bit scary. I wasn’t dumb enough to jump into the pool from such a height. We soon all dried off and ended up going to do a bit of practice in the dance room before falling asleep there. There were very few moments we actually slept in our rooms it seemed.

Saturday, 11am  
Barefaced, I went to the dermatologist to get my skin checked on. They could only do light things since I would have to be wearing makeup so often. The doctor said my skin was doing well and was much healthier than it was when I came here. I was glad. They just gave me a deep moisturize thing and I was on my way, mask on my face. I waved to Dongmin who was probably coming in to help with his newest outbreak of acne.

It didn’t make sense to me why someone going through puberty would need to come here because it wasn’t gonna last forever. It was probably just hormones. Still, they were annoying to deal with. Either way, if he was happy in the end it was good for everyone.

It was Saturday, so there wasn’t much to do. I had made this appointment last week because I didn’t have any plans. I caught up on sleep until my alarm went off. Jun said she was gonna take a few of us somewhere for fun and to dress for a party. I had my party outfit picked out, but I was tired.

So I held Leo close to my face and got some sleep. My hair had been kept in its braided mohawk state since Thursday, so there was no need to do much except fluff it when I awoke. Jun was at the vanity when my alarm went off. I yawned.

“Hey there sleeping beauty.” She giggled.

“Sup.” I stretched. “So, who all is coming with us to wherever you’re taking us? Also, did you ask the managers if we could even go?”

He grinned, “I did get permission, and it’s fine as long as we’re back by 4am.”

I blinked, “What?” My eyes looked at my phone. “It’s seven and curfew is in 10.”

She winked, “It’s a one night only thing. I got special permission to bring along four others, and we have to check in every hour. Those were the rules, so we wouldn’t get in trouble.”

“Ok. I’m more interested than before.” My legs finally touched the ground. “Who’s coming then?”

An hour later, Alice, Tristan, Hyojoon, and I were all dressed in shiny clothing making sure our phones were charged and getting a responsibility lecture from our managers. Then we were driven in an Uber Black to the location.

“Homo Hill?” I said.

“You know?” Jun was surprised.

I nodded, “Of course I know.”

Hyojoon motioned to him and Tristan, “Why are we here? We’re not–”

“I know.” The ringleader said. “But I promised my friend I’d bring cute guys. I never said you two were attainable. Nawoo didn’t wanna go clubbing, and he’s not her type. James didn’t wanna come. Dongmin’s too young, of course. Matthew lowkey freaks me out. That’s why it’s you.”

The car stopped. She smiled at us, “Let’s go lovelies!”

We looked at each other and got out. Flats were rolled up in my purse, though I would probably be keeping my shoes on all night. We went into a drag club first so that we could meet whoever Jun’s friend was. Maekjewels. The four of us were introduced and looked over.

“You were right, you lucky lucky bastard.” She said and then went to Tristan. “You’re barely legal, aren’t you?”

“Y-yeah.” He replied.

Then to me, “American and black, already attracting lots of attention it seems.”

It was normal for people to stare at me here as the minority, so we were pretty much used to it now. That feeling of being watched was constant what with cameras and civilians watching our every move. Even more openly here.

Alice got a look over and was asked how often she died her hair.

“Never.” She replied with a giggle. “It’s natural.”

“The eyes.”

“100% my own.”

She gasped, “Oh my, well go on.”

“And you. You’re not one of us, are you?” Maekjewels asked Hyojoon.

He shook his head, “Not currently.”

Maekjewels began to guffaw at his joke, “I like this one, Jun. Well, go on, find your seats and get your cash out. The show is gonna start soon.”

“Beer bitch, where the fuck are you?” A queen in a peacock getup screamed.

“I’m on my way, penis bird!” She bellowed back then smiled at us. “Enjoy the show.” She sashayed backstaged.

The five of us found a rounded booth that smelled faintly of a drunken handjob, sorta like the laundry room did sometimes. The show was fun, what with a queen in nothing but a clear apron and food accessories sticking an apple right into my mouth. She called me a good piggie and I snorted. Everyone laughed and she almost broke character.

Hyojoon got a lap dance by the peacock performer and added a few dollars to her tail feathers to fill it out more. Once the show was over, Alice asked me if I wanted to go to the lesbian bar. Of course I said yes. We would pretend to be a couple for the next few hours and would meet the guys at a different place.

“Be safe, noonas!” Tristan called out.

I do not lie when I say the tiniest Korean girl came up to me and asked for a threesome barely 10 minutes standing in the club. We turned her down because that’s not what we were looking for. Thirty minutes later, a cute girl with wavy space buns stood behind me.

“Mind if I join?” She asked.

Both of us nodded, and her hands found home on my hips. She whispered in my ear and called me a cute Unnie. I was pretty sure she was older than me, but whatever. A shiver went down my spine. Alice pulled me away.

“We have to go to the bathroom.” She said.

“Alice!” I wanted to scold her.

She put up a finger, “No. If we’re gonna hook up with anyone, it’s gotta be a dude. I know, I know, but we’re not currently in a position to have some two person finger painting.”

I sighed.

“Do you want it getting out that you hooked up with some butch stranger at a lesbian bar? I don’t think so. Once we win, I’m gonna get you all the sapphics your heart desires, but for now, let’s be safe.”

I pouted but nodded.

“Besides.” She pouted and put her hand on my waist. “I may have gotten a little jealous.”

Mayhaps, I squeaked. Alice giggled, and we went to join the others. It was 2am by now. We had to be home in 2 hours. And I ain’t about to lie. I wanted to makeout with someone. It wasn’t easy to scope with Tristan trailing behind me the whole time. When he went to use the restroom, I looked for Jun to see where he was.

“Iris! Iris is that you?” A deep and husky voice called.

This was either going to be really good or really bad. Either way, no photos and…fuck he was hot as Apollo himself.

“Oh my gosh, it **_is_** you! I have the biggest crush on you and voted for you to stay and stuff on Deify!” His contacts glowed in the blacklight making him look like he really was half cat.

“Thank you!” I replied. “What’s your name?”

He bowed, “Jitae. My name is Jitae. I’m bi. Umm…I told my friends I’d ask you for a dance if it really was you. Since it is, will you dance with me?”

“Is he bothering you?” Hyojoon asked.

“Hallakgungi! Oh my goodness! You’re here too?”

I smiled, “He’s not bothering me at all, Halla-oppa. We were just about to dance together.”

“I’ll be the perfect gentleman.” Jitae replied.

“What if I don’t want you to be?” I grinned.

Jitae’s eyes went wide. Hyojoon made eye contact with him and then with me. He then nodded, told us to be careful, and left us to grind to whatever hip-hop song was playing. It soon changed to electronica and other typical club songs. Dude was touchy, but he was careful. Jitae whispered compliments in my ear. I felt like a queen on that dance floor.

In one moment, my eyes met his. He smiled at me as a laugh bubbled in his chest. I looked away first since my cheeks were getting too hot. His nose nuzzled my neck.

“I really wanna kiss you here, my goddess.” Jitae purred.

“No marks.” I said. _Why did I say that?_ I was too drunk and also getting turned on and not being as careful as I should’ve been. “Just kiss it once.” But I still set boundaries.

He pressed his lips against my skin, and my knees went weak. I had felt even more light headed than before. I couldn’t help but giggle and placed a kiss on the back of his hand, leaving a dark red mark in the shape of my lips.

I felt a hand on my other wrist and Jun’s pulled me towards her, “That’s enough of that. I got a call, Iris. Let’s go.”

“Buzz I wanna shtayyyy~~~” I whined.

“We have to go! We lied about traffic, and if we don’t go now our managers are gonna come. Say goodbye to the cute boy.”

I waved, “Byeeeeee Jitae~~~”

He smiled, “Bye, Iris. I’ll message you tomorrow!”

We had traded Kakao Talks earlier, so I told him I’d look forward to it. We drove home all excited and chattering. Tristan seemed to be in a bad mood, though. I tried to get him to tell me by acting cute.

“Be a good dongsaeng and tell Noona what’s wrong.” I poked his cheeks.

He swiped his hand at me, silently telling me to go away. I rolled my eyes, “Anyways. Jun, Alice, I know I wasn’t as careful as I know I should’ve but thank you for being there for me. I had a lot of fun. Honestly, this is the farthest I’ve ever gone with partying.” I giggled. “I don’t really go clubbing either. At frat parties back home, no one would dance with me, so I was surprised and–”

“You’re so cute, Iris.” Hyojoon giggled.

“Hmm?”

He replied, “You’re saying every other word in English and making no sense.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m not usually this drunk. I hardly ever get passed tipsy.” I giggled and spoke more slowly, thinking hard about Korean words. “Thank you for, for taking care of a silly foreigner like me. I hope I wasn’t too much trouble.”

Jun leaned on her hand, “Drunk or not, you rejected the creeps before that Jitae guy. You’ve got a good handle on yourself for the most part.”

“Yay!” I exclaimed and giggled.

### Sunday, 4:30am

We got home and everyone was busy. I was too drunk for this, whatever it was. Jun asked what was up.

“There you are!” James said. “We gotta be packed and ready for a three day trip to Daegu by 6am.”

“We what?” Hyojoon exclaimed.

“Let’s go, buddy!”

The roommates disappeared into their room. Jun told me to sit on the living room couch since I was drunk and handed me water. I got drowsy but wanted to help. It wasn’t fair to her to do it all by herself. However, my coordination wasn’t the best, and I fell on the top stair. I moaned and rubbed my cheek.

Jun sat me in the red room, “Iris. I love you to bits and you’re so kind, but not right now. Unnie has it under control.”

As she left, I decided I would do something to make it up to him. He didn’t deserve so much stress in so little time. A few minutes later, the door opened. Jun and Tristan were there.

“Take care of your noona until I get her things packed.” He then lowered her voice. “I know how you’re feeling right now, but please.”

Tristan nodded, “Ok.” he sat next to me.

I curled up on his arm, “I’m sorry. I don’t know why you’re upset with me, but I don’t like it. Noona’s sorry.”

He handed me a cup, “Drink some water, Noona.”

I did as told. My dongsaeng was being cold to me. It wasn’t long until Jun came back and woke me up. When had I fallen asleep? He told me to just stay awake long enough until I could be buckled up. We had to get into the car. Tristan had already gone to get into his car. I nodded and walked with her into the elevator.

“Oppa?”

“Yea?” She replied.

“Why is Tristan upset with me?” I asked. “He’s being really curt with me, and it hurts my feelings. Did I say or do something wrong?”

He shook his head, “I’m sure Tristan will get over it soon. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, ok?”

“Ok…”

Once in the car, I fell asleep. It was me, Jun, Imani, and Alice. We were the last four to get ready. Three of us were still dressed in our party clothes since we had literally no time to change and pack. I was no help at all.

### Sunday, 6:21am

Imani asked, “So, why is Iris’s puppy sulking?”

Alice responded, “She was hardcore flirting with some guy fan we met at the club and dancing on him and stuff. Tristan got a bit jealous.”

“Farai? Flirting?”

“She was a bit drunk, so she was less cautious. Also, she’s a party girl at heart.” Jun replied. “She said herself it wasn’t something she usually would’ve done or let happen.”

“I’m glad she had fun, though.” Alice said.

Imani sighed, “I’d like to see her fun side. She seems so uptight.” She looked at the chubby girl passed out on Jun’s shoulder.

Then she asked if Iris knew that Tristan was sad because he had a crush on her. She didn’t know. It probably didn’t even occur to her is what Alice thought. The two of them were just friends. Farai didn’t act any differently with Alice or Jun than Tristan, so it wasn’t anything romantic for her.

Once at the hotel, the girls piled into their rooms and passed out. Hyojoon said he’d give them the info in the morning. He then saw a moping Tristan and decided to go talk to him. They’d be sharing a room with James and Dongmin.

“Hey,” Imani said, stopping the white haired rapper. “Talk to sunshine, will you? Get him to not be mad at Iris.”

“I’ll try my best.” Hyojoon said. “Sleep well, Imani.”

“Thanks, oppa.” She smiled.

As the whole crew unpacked, they were told to meet in the foyer dressed for practice by 12pm. Then it was time for sleep. The sun was coming up, though. James sat up with the older boys while Dongmin snuggled one of the pillows and quickly fell back asleep.

“So, what’d you guys do that’s got Tristan in such a bad mood?”

“Wel, Iris let loose for what seemed like the first time ever and–”

Tristan cut him off, “She’s my noona. My big sister. I don’t wanna see her drunkenly grinding on some random stranger!” He sighed. “I have a bunch of mixed feelings. Like yeah, we went to party, but she’s not from here! It could’ve been dangerous.”

“You and Hyojoon were there, and I know Jun can kick some ass, heels or not.” James said. “Alice is a firecracker. Iris knew she was safe with you guys.”

“Yeah, but–”

Hyojoon spoke up, “I kept my eye on her the whole night between drinks. Be glad she felt safe enough around you to let go a bit. Things aren’t too serious yet.” He was speaking about the situation and the whole mood of the competition.

“I still…I still didn’t like it.”

The chef chuckled, “You’re a good kid, Tristan. I got a big sister too. I’d feel uncomfortable, but she knows I’m there to protect her if things get out of her hands.”

“Focus on the positive.” The long haired man added. “According to Imani, Iris is rather upset that you’re acting like that.”

The sulking puppy’s ears went up, “W-what?”

He continued, “She came up to me and asked if I would get you to not be mad at Farai anymore. I’m just sayin’ if even Imani is concerned about her rival, then it’s a pretty big deal.”

Tristan looked at the dark beige carpet, “I mean…I guess my worrying and taking my feelings out on her isn’t going to do any of us any good. I’ll talk to her tomorrow.”

The tall Korean man turned on his side and tried to get some sleep before having to get up for the day.

### Sunday, 11:52am

I had sunglasses and was downing my third bottle of water. We weren’t going to talk about what happened this morning. It had been decided before any of us got showered and dressed. It was 11:30am by the time my headache was finally starting to go away. At least I hadn’t puked at all, but I did pee the bed which is something I had never done. Not even as a child.

I knew that I peed a lot while drinking but this time, I hadn’t been aware that I was asleep. That’s what we were not gonna talk about or bring up ever again. Jun handed me a meal replacement bar as we walked down to the foyer. Imani took a few quick photos in front of the mirror before posting one to her Instagram.

Because we were now known to the public, we could post current updates. Before last week, everything had to be at least 5-9 days old before posting. It also couldn’t be about rehearsals or anything to hint at the huge event of competition. Now Imani was the one I noticed on her phone more than before.

Once we were in the foyer, we were taken to an empty event room to practice our opening number. Sirab told me that my wings would be in the tucked position, so we didn’t have to account for space anymore. I was told to get closer a lot of the time. Acting like I wasn’t hungover was the most difficult part I’ve ever had to play.

When we had break time, I was glad I wasn’t the only one puking in the bathroom. I hadn’t eaten much so most of what I was throwing up was bile. But I was fine. I had a practice to get back to. We were cleaning up spots here and there, like the part that had the leg wiggle and “Airplane pt 2” arms into airplane arms.

Then we were finally done by 5 in the evening. We’d get takeout after we were done with our mission. That’s right, we had a mission to do. We had to make “casual cosplay” versions of our superhero. We didn’t know Daegu at all!

“Ok, so I’m screwed.” I said.

Dongmin nodded, “Yep. No shop is going to have plus sized clothing! This isn’t fair!”

“Yeah, this a very sucky mission if we’re not on an even starting ground.” Alice said, cutting in on Tristan.

“You’re not being fair at all!” He said his piece.

I looked at him with my arms folded and then back to the Mission runner. It was some staff member we had seen around.

“That’s why it’s a challenge. You don’t have to buy any new clothes, I’m sure you have something in your suitcases that you can dye or fix to fit your superhero.”

“IF WE KNEW THIS WAS HAPPENING WE WOULD HAVE!!!” I screamed.

“Noona…” Tristan’s voice held sympathy, but I was losing my temper.

Everyone looked at me.

“Anyways,” I rubbed my temples. “We bought the things that we brought because we liked it as it is. I’m not altering shit unless Dongmin I get reimbursed for extensively altering my own things due to unfairness.”

“We’re making you into idols.” She said. “There’s gotta be some sacrifices.”

“Then make them.” I replied.

Dongmin then added, “Or, give us an upper hand. Call our stylists. Give us a base at least.”

With some obvious fan favorites staring her down, she sighed, “Fine. If you _really_ can’t find anything by dinner time, then we’ll do that.”

“Thank you.” Tristan said. “Let’s go shopping.”

Dongmin nodded, “Yeah, we’re even more behind than before. God, I hate Korea! Well the beauty standards and stuff at least.”

“Same. We should go to a craft store or something. I’ve made my outfit before, but you might need a bit of help.” I put my arm around my fellow chubster.

He replied, “Let’s check out suitcases first. Maybe Tristan might have something that could fit our heroes as well as our bodies? And Nawoo wears a lot of loose clothing.”

“Loose on him, but it’s worth a shot.” We went into the elevator and began our search.

I had my black pleather leggings packed and decided to thank Jun even more. I’d wear my black heels from last night. So all I needed what a yellow shirt with black stripes that would fit me. Or vise versa. Maybe some store would have yellow antennae.

“So…” I said as I searched through Tristan’s limited closet. “You’re wearing our hoodie today. Does that mean you aren’t upset with me anymore?”

He was trying on a pair of Matthew’s skinny jeans in the bathroom, “I was never upset. Well, I was just…worried. Jealous? I’m still not oof sure what to call it. I just didn’t like that you were being so….so…”

“Slutty?” I answered.

“Sort of? With a stranger. A fan. While you were drunk.”

“But I trusted you and the others. You guys were always checking in on me, and I did the same with you.” I sighed. “Nothing.” So I sat on his bed. “There’s no way in hell I would’ve let myself be so loose if I didn’t feel safe.”

Silence.

I looked at the door, “Or do you not trust me like that?”

He replied, “No, no, it isn’t that! I just…It’s stuck.”

“What?”

“The zipper. It’s stuck on my pubic hair and it hurts to zip. I can’t unzip it either. Everything is way too tight.” He swallowed. “I need help.”

I stood, “I’ll get a staff member.”

### Sunday, 6:11pm

“Not a word.” He said as I glanced at him picking dark black strands of crotch fuzz from the zipper.

I was trying not to laugh and failed. Hard. My laughter could probably be heard back in Seoul because it was so much. Tears formed in my eyes.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but it wasn’t a word. It was–pfft–laughter.” I controlled my breathing. “What are you gonna do instead? If I get a dress, I can get Jun’s help to alter it into a top.”

“I just gotta get a pair of jeans because I have a blue shirt and black boots. Might work on mermaid makeup later.” He sighed. “I’m glad Dongmin was able to get his things together.”

I smiled, “Me too. Anyways, let’s go shopping. We have just over an hour.”

He held my hand, “Ok, Noona.”

We went to the nearest outside mall and it was at the first store that Tristan was able to get a pair of nice fitting skinny jeans and some ‘meggings’ if he wanted something more form fitting to dance in. Then we searched high and low for just a yellow top or dress that I could alter, but no luck. Even adding in pink made things easier but still impossible. Every store made me want to cry.

“It’s ok, Noona. I know this sucks. I’m pissed too. At least if you call the Mission leader–”

“But it’s not fair! Anyone with the waist of a toothpick can just come to the store and get whatever they want in their size, but if you’re bigger than 2 sizes below average, you can’t find shit! Thank God we’re not looking for makeup that could match me!” I bit my lip hard. “It’s fine. Let’s just go back to the fabric store, get some black ribbon and hope I can get a shirt in time for whatever we’re doing tomorrow.”

I really was crying tears of anger now. Frustration. In the middle of the mall. A few people stopped and stared. Tristan hugged me and held my hand while he called her. “We couldn’t find anything” are the words he said and it hurt.

“Yeah. We have everything else, even glasses. Ok. Mm-hmm. I’ll tell her. Bye.”

It was just the two of us in the car driven by Kyung who asked, “So, what’d she say?”

“They’ve got a striped shirt for you. It’s long sleeved, but it should fit.” He massaged my shoulder, “Sirab had a friend in town.”

I sighed, “Ok. I’ll work on makeup before we go to bed. Gosh, I hope the shirt fits.”

There were no antennae, so I’d just put my hair in puff like planned. The shirt did fit. I just doubted that anyone else had to go through so much internal turmoil. Even after losing so much weight…I knew I’d never ever fit anything in Korea.

“Anything to say?” A director asked as I walked back to my room to put the shirt next to the rest of my outfit.

“No more clothing based challenges unless it’s like adding on or better planned.” I scoffed. “Y’know unless Korea starts making clothes that actually fit people instead of forcing people to fit the clothes.”

“What are you gonna do now that you’ve gone though such a rough day?”

I grinned and chuckled, “What I’ve always done after a rough day. Eat my feelings.”

So we ate dinner in our rooms and then went back into the room to practice. I’d use magenta on my lips tomorrow and do simple eye makeup. My arms were covered so no reason for bracelets to mimic my hero. French tuck the shirt. No earrings…

Monday, 1pm  
We were all done up and were taken to EWorld where we got to just go wild…in our superhero outfits. I hung out mostly with Gina, Sooja, and Matthew until James begged me to go onto a spinning ride with him. Then it was us and Hyojoon. Some people recognized us, and we were allowed to take pictures with them. They just couldn’t post it until later tonight.

Then at the busiest time, we were called to the main area. We had to do our dance here on camera. Afterwards, we had two hours left. So we got into position and waited for the music to play. We already had an audience and managers were on the side guiding everyone out of the dance area aka the view of the camera. The drone above gave a nice breeze.

I squatted behind Nawoo and flapped their cape and we performed for all the curious eyes that stayed and watched. We didn’t pay attention to any specific faces, or at least I didn’t. Just the music and the moves that I had to do. We also had mics and sang for the whole park. Big smiles and cheesy faces.

Then we got into our final poses, slight lean and end. Wait for ten seconds and then we held hands to bow to everyone and thank them for watching. We scattered and Hyojoon invited me to go ice skating with him. I ended up wearing skates that were “sized for men” but that was nothing new.

The two of us held hands because I was not that great. I was a fast learner, though. So I picked up what he taught me rather quickly. There were a few spins that I was good at, too.

“It seems you and Tristan are just as close as ever.” he grinned. “You doing ok now?”

“Yeah. We talked and sorted things out.” I laughed and then waved away Hyojoon’s curiosity. “It’s nothing. It’s nothing.”

We spent the last two hours just ice skating together, and it was fun. He told me about how he got into the sport. I told him that I fell in love with Yuzuru Hanyu because of _Phantom of the Opera_. I had gotten into the music the same time my little brother got into the movie, and Yuzuru just happened to be performing to that song around the same time. It was perfect timing. Then we finished and rode back to the hotel to pack up.

I returned the shirt and wore shorts under my dress. My legs needed to be free after dealing with today in leggings. We had to be ready for travel at 8am. After packing up and choosing tomorrow’s outfit, I went for a swim. It seemed like I wasn’t the only one with the idea.

Imani was taking photos with James’s help.

Now I wasn’t a jealous person, but after everything I had been through these past few days, I felt it boil inside of me. There was no place for it. So I squashed the feeling. We were different. That was a good thing. I opened the door and went in.

“Don’t mind me.”

“I won’t.” She replied.

They took a few more pics and then packed up. Imani went off while James asked if I wanted to get into the hot tub with him. I said sure. I sighed and let the heat massage my sore muscles into a relaxed state.

“You don’t like her much, do you?”

“I’m indifferent honestly. She gets on my nerves since she hasn’t given me a reason as to why she dislikes me so strongly, but I don’t care enough.” I did some neck exercises.

James and I usually talked in English with each other. Depending on who made it, we’d probably become the translator of the group. We had to keep our English skills as much as our learned Korean ones.

He looked at the door, “The three of us should have the strongest bond compared to everyone else. I woulda thought she’d’ve started calling you unnie by now.”

I shrugged, “She’s rude and disrespectful. Her attitude is unfounded. I wanted us to be close too, but Imani judges everything I do and calls me dark white. Lyssa told me that last part earlier today.”

“Do you want me to talk to her?” He sighed.

I shook my head, “I don’t need her friendship, James. Even if we do end up being in a group together, I doubt our relationship will go anything past professional. Do what you will.”

Namil entered, “Alright, guys. Time to get to bed. Got an early morning and a long ride tomorrow.”

### Thursday, 6:50pm

Show day came faster than expected. Most of our time was doing costuming. More than usual, and I was gonna wear a corset this week. I was excited because my number would be sort of Victorian themed. Red flowy dress shirt, black tight pants, black heeled boots, and I was hoping to get lacy gloves and a cane.

I was glad it was only two different outfits this week. Apparently there would be big news announced in a few weeks. I didn’t know why they told us this now, but we played 20 questions and found out it had something to do with solo performances. Hair and makeup was done faster for most than expected, so we went over Anpanman a few times. I took a few moments to drink water and go through my song in my mind.

Tonight, I was the third performance. Right after Gina who would be performing “Your Doll” by SNSD’s Sunny. She was a bit worried about pronunciation but knew that at least the lyrics would be in the correct order. That’s what she said meaning that her accent sometimes slipped to Spanish even while saying Korean words. We found it very cute.

It was 10 minutes until showtime, and Yujin-oppa pulled me to the side.

“Hey, Iris, you look amazing.”

“Thanks. What did you need?”

He chuckled, “So straight forward.”

“Yeah, I gotta be on stage soon.”

“I wanted to apologize that we couldn’t work together this week. I was very busy doing some stuff outside of this, but I look forward to your selection.” He smiled.

I smiled, “Oh thanks. I’m super nervous, so I’m just focusing on the opening number. I also just hope I’m not going home.”

“Psshhh. You go home so early in the game? Please!”

“Iris, there you are. Yujin, stop flirting.” a stage manager said.

He chuckled as I was taken on stage, “Break a leg!”

“Thanks!” I said walking fast in my heels. “Sorry. I tried to get him to talk fast.”

“Yeah. I’ve known him for a while. You’re ok.” He gave a small smile. “Places.”

I crouched behind the most attractive Robin I had ever seen and when I heard “5” I started flapping as hard as I could.

After the song was over, the judges were introduced while we changed our poses for each one’s entrance. It wasn’t soon until we were being ushered off stage while Dabit asked the judges who they were most excited to see.

Then we gathered around the screen to see last week’s scores and where we stood.

> 1.Yuhwa
> 
> 2.Haemosu
> 
> 3.Aphrodite
> 
> 4.Anubis
> 
> 5.Loki
> 
> 6.Lyssa
> 
> 7.Igong Hallakgungi
> 
> 8.Iris
> 
> 9.Ixchel
> 
> 10.Ares
> 
> 11.Lan Caihe
> 
> 12.Fenrir

Sooja was first, and she chose to stay in the special room with Matt and Gina. Matthew was in the bottom, and I was close to the middle. Maybe that would all change after today.

Dabit explained voting to the audience since the whole thing was set up differently than most singing competition. We had two weeks. One week was the performance show where we just sang and now one got voted off and then the elimination show where last week’s votes got added with the judges’ votes from both weeks.

“…You will have 24 hours after every show to vote for your faves. Then your votes will be added with the judges’ scores after tonight’s performances. Whoever gets the highest combined scores stays for the next week. Lowest score goes home.” He took a moment for the graphic to play on screen.

Performance show: Audience votes + judges’

Elimination show: Judges’ scores averaged + last week’s score

So that’s how judges got 50% and audience votes totalled to 50%. That’s how it had been explained to us. Tonight was the elimination show, so the judges’ votes would matter more. The audience wouldn’t get to vote tonight, but it was still competition. I didn’t know the math behind it. There seemed to be a of it. I understood the basics, though, and that was good enough for me.

Gina finished her flawless performance, and I was being put onto my stage next. I felt like I was gonna pee my tight pants. My silver haired backup dancer put his hand on my shoulder.

Phillip was his name, and he smiled at me, “You’re gonna do great, Iris. Breathe with me.” I shook my head but he nudged me. “Come on. Breathe in…”

He breathed in and I followed.

“Breathe out.”

We exhaled in sync. We did it together twice more and then were told to get into our places. My stomach did a flip but then remembered I was a bad ass bitch. Black nails for good luck. Yeah, I could do this. I smirked to myself and refused to look at the wings. The music started.

“Who wants to dance?” I asked in a sultry tone.

I was handed my diamond cane and leaned in pose 2, “I wanna start a revolution, a type of personal solution. We all have got our own pollution. It’s all about the execution. You’ve got something to say, your hands are tied. Open your mouth, open it wide.” I did and smirked. “Let the freedom begin~”

Then I did a few slut drops while I said, “Get on the floor, just let it drop. Don’t it feel good? Don’t it feel hot?” I used the cane to rake down Phillip’s chest. “Feel the fire within.”

We broke from that scene and then it was time to show how good these heels made my legs look, “I wanna see you strut strut! Come on walk for me! Strut strut how you want to be.” Stand still and look at the audience. “Everybody’s looking for some love but they don’t know how to let it all hang out and that’s why they’re solo, solo, solo.”

I was flanked on all sides by my dancers and we made eye contact as I looked at each of them, “Don’t want to be solo, solo, solo. Don’t want to be solo.” Then I was put on a throne and laid on it. “I’ll be your mirror. Darling let your hair down.”

I stood while my throne was lifted up and ignored my fear of falling, “Show me what you’re working with and” breath control don’t fail me now. “Let me see you strut strut! YEahhh ohhh yeah!”

Then I walked off the lowered throne and onto center stage, “Strut!” Last pose.

Now I could breathe and gave a sexy smile and a wink to the camera.

My dancers and I bowed before they went off stage. Dabit put his hand on my back and guided me to be in front of the judges.

“Wow. That was amazing, Iris. Let’s hear what Sugawara Koharu has to say!”

She looked at me with her sharp liner, “You’re a vocalist for sure. It wasn’t very dance heavy, but your choreo was clean.”

“Thank you.” I said.

“One thing, you’re thinking too hard about it. Sometimes you were a bit stiff, mostly in the middle when you knew you were about to go onto the lifted throne. Scary, I know, especially in heels.” She laughed. “All I gotta say is that I hope you incorporate more hardcore dance soon and that Key would be proud. Good job.”

People applauded as I thanked her again. I was scared to dance if I was honest. Maybe soon but not next week if I had any say in it. Yeah, I wanted to be an idol, but…

“Awkwafina, what did you think? Or I should ask what did you think the audience thought?”

She giggled, “Well, since I’m going over your tweets and stuff live, people are just so surprised. This is a complete 180 from what you did last week looking like an angel to now. You’re like a just so bold and daring. My favorite one is from @7dreamurrs that says, ‘it looks like Dreamcatcher is missing a member’.”

Then she said it in Korean and everyone laughed. I covered my mouth. Really? Me in Dreamcatcher would be a dream come true.

“A lot of people are upset or bothered that you’re doing another English song, though.”

“I promise that I will do a Korean song when I get a theme that works. Don’t you worry,everyone!” I said. “Love you!”

Awkwafina nodded, “Sounds good. Also, it seems that one question came up a lot. Suga-ssi, is your lip ok? You kept biting it.”

He began to smile, “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.”

Yujin leaned into his mic, “Your ears are getting red, Suga-ssi. Oooooo~”

The audience laughed and went, “Ooooooo~” as well. I laughed and covered my mouth again.

“Can I go next?” Suga asked.

“Sure! Go ahead.”

He nodded, “You were amazing. I agree with the audience, it was completely different from what you did last week in every way. It shows you’re a versatile artist, and that’ll help you in the future. Don’t be afraid to let loose a bit more.”

“Thank you, Suga-sunbaenim.”

“Yep.”

Dabit went forward, “Yujin, your thoughts?”

“I think my pants got a bit tighter.” He got the audience to laugh as he shifted in his seat. “No, but seriously. Your stage presence is so big. Work on not looking like you’re thinking about what you’re doing though, like Sugawara-ssi said.” Then Yujin-oppa grinned. “You got such a pretty face. Learn how to use it.”

I couldn’t help but frown a bit because I worked so hard on doing something out of my comfort zone, “Yes, sir. I will.”

“Why are you pouting?” He leaned on his desk. “Please don’t pout.”

“I’m not sexy. Well, I’ve never been given sexy in any context. This is way out of my comfort zone, so that critique hurt a lot. I’ll take it and do better, so thank you for it.” I kept myself from saying ‘but’ because then I’d just repeat my words.

Before Yujin could speak again, Bang PD spoke, “You were good, Iris. There are a lot of things I wrote down for you to work on. A lot of them have been said. One thing, though. Don’t be afraid of the cameras. Look at them. Make them know you exist. They’ll be watching you no matter what. For an intense song like this, watch them too.”

“Thank you, PD-nim. Thank you, judges. I’ll use your notes to improve.” I bowed and then was applauded off stage.

I took a deep breath and just waited backstage. There was no third outfit tonight, so it was just touch ups after I wiped my sweat. Tristan squeezed my hand as I passed by. The others told me how good I did, and then I waited the rest of the night backstage. James was after me. Alice after that. They were spectacular.

Sooja choked a bit, though, momentarially forgetting the choreo she did with her lyrics because she also forgot lyrics. She caught back up real quick, but still. It was mentioned by almost every judge. Suga gave her tips on how to relax and told her to practice more. She cried backstage because she was so embarrassed.

Tristan was next, so I watched him on screen. They ran our package first. It showed how close we were.

“Yeah, she’s my Noona.” He giggled. “I’m not sure why I chose her, but it also wasn’t a choice. I just thought she was super cool. Part of it was that I’ve never seen a girl with natural hair before in my life. It was usually straightened or something, but her personality. I think that’s what lured me towards her.”

My voice was next, “He’s like a puppy but so much more. I like taking care of him and being huggy with him. Skinship. Yeah. There’s a lot of that. I have three siblings, but I don’t really get to be like this with them.”

“I’ve got three little siblings, so I’m usually the one taking care of them. I’m glad that I get to be a bit babied by her. I hardly worry when I’m around her.”

“He’s very much a man. Very cute, but my siblings are attractive too. They have to be since they’re related to me. With Tristan, there’s no crushing going on. Nothing romantic or sexual, just platonic.” I looked at the camera. “However, if you do wanna date him, you’ll have to go through Noona first.”

Then it was some cheesy line to play into the song. “Black Suit” by Super Junior was what he was doing. Full dance and song. I watched him intensely. This is probably what she was talking about. To dance like that, in my own way of course. But still just more. I had to do more.

Alice plopped down next to me wearing a band t-shirt and fake pink streaks and hugged me around the neck, “You’re staring a lot.”

“Yeah. Just going over the notes in my head. I should be more like Tristan. Y’know, doing more dance and stuff. Sing in Korean. Stuff that’ll get me more votes.”

She scoffed, “You didn’t start life singing Korean. These first two weeks have been about what we are, what our experiences have been. I’m sure you’ll be more idol like or whatever next week. They just gotta give you a theme that allows you to do so.”

I smiled and leaned into her arms, “You’re right. Also, you were so good. I was singing along backstage and doing the Just Dance routine to it.”

Alice giggled, “Oh my god!”

“Noona! Did you see our package?” Tristan said as he came backstage.

“I did.”

He sat on the arm of the sofa, “I’m glad there will be no misconceptions about our relationship anymore. Do you think I’ll get a girlfriend out of this?”

“Only if they’re good enough for you.” I responded.

Soon enough, we were told to get back on stage for eliminations. I gripped my best friends’ hands. I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Jun. I never thought how weird it would be if my roomie was the one to be kicked off the show. He was probably scared. Jun had an amazing voice and even better dance skills, so she had the talent. Was the world ready for her, though? I really hoped so.

We all held hands as we listened to the speil of how to vote, when to vote, how much influence each vote had. Blah blah blah.

“Now to announce the bottom 3 and who is safe.” Dabit opened the envelope. “Haemosu, Anubis, Lyssa, and Aphrodite. You are safe! Please head backstage.”

I waved goodbye to my friends and everyone got closer together. Imani hugged those she had befriended. My hand interlocked with Jun and Sooja now.

“First in the bottom is Lan Caihe. Please take a seat.”

I hugged Jun tightly as he began to cry, “Just because you’re in the bottom doesn’t mean you’re going home.”

“Iris and Ixchel. Step forward, please.” He recapped our notes for us. “And with that, both of you…are safe. Please head backstage with the others.”

A huge breath came out of me. I hadn’t realized I had been holding it in. I hugged her and went backstage. By the time we were back there and embracing the others, Nawoo and Dongmin were right behind me. Matthew and Hyojoon were in the bottom with Jun. How? What? They were amazing!!!

Hyojoon was only rapping, and Matthew was just not a fan favorite. Jun was different and the people were scared and judgemental. I was mad that the world was still so ignorant.

“You three were amazing this week.” Bang PD said. “No matter what happens, you did your best and you can only learn to do better. I am proud of all your hard work.”

“And so, out of these three, the one who is going home…will be announced after these messages!”

I was gonna strangle someone!

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Imani said and then covered her mouth.

People glared at her and others laughed. Two minutes later, we were back on air and all surrounded the TV. Suspense was palpable. Tristan gripped my hand tightly. That was my roommate up there. All of them were my friends to some degree, but Jun. I still hadn’t repaid him for last weekend.

If you get through this, I’m taking you on a shopping spree. I said.

Dabit read the card, “Fenrir…you are…going home this week. I’m sorry. Lan Caihe and Hallakgungi, you are safe.”

Our Swan Song played, the 2ne1 song we recorded so long ago. He started it off. Everyone went on stage and hugged him and said their goodbyes. Sooja literally ran to him as he sang the song.

“Does anyone know? Does anyone know? How it makes me feel?” His sad voice choked up. He allowed the tears to fall down his face and he wasn’t able to come back in until, “우리 다시 만나는 그날까지 안녕 안녕. No, 안녕. 안녕”

Then he cleared his throat, “Thank you!”


	8. Week 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are you joking me? Are you fucking kidding? I am paired up with _whom_ this week? Well, I guess it is a competition show, and things are supposed to be a challenge. Just, this is REALLY challenging.

### Saturday, 10:10am

I came home from a fitting was working on homework when there was a knock on my door. After I paused my music, I opened it to find a very sad gamer girl.

“Hey, Iris.” Sooja sniffled. “D’ya wanna play video games with me? I’d usually ask Matthew, but seeing as he’s not here…”

She missed her Player 2. It was still sinking in. We ate dinner after the show which we were required to do every week, but he didn’t come back with us this week. Sooja was the closest with him and feeling his absence the most.

“Or, I mean, if you’re busy, maybe another time?” The girl didn’t even have her beanie on, but her hair was still in last night’s ponytails.

Only now, they were messed up and so obviously not combed through. She began to walk away since I hadn’t replied.

“Wait!” I said and glanced at my homework. “I can play a few rounds. Lemme just grab my phone.” I said and decided I needed a break on the work I just started anyways.

### Saturday, 11:05am

“Take that you shitfaced loser!” She screeched with laugher.

She seemed so happy. Maybe I would be able to get back to my–

“Matty, you pick–oh, sorry…” Sooja paused.

Maybe not. I rubbed her back and she started to cry and cry more. Soon enough, the cheery zombie slayer was sobbing into my shoulder and apologizing through her tears. I shushed her and just held her tight as she let it all out.

“I don’t…I don’t even know *hic* why I’m act-acting like-this! We weren’t–we weren’t even day-thing or any-anyt-thing.” She cried and wept.

Myphone rang, and I scolded it, “Not now, phone!”

Gina entered, “You take the call. I’ve got Sooja.” She helped to pick up the crying girl and get her onto the couch.

I gave a sympathetic smile and left the room to answer, “Hello?”

“Hey, Farai, are you busy? There’s someone who wants to meet you.” Kyung said.

“I am not busy, but Sooja’s taking Matthew’s departure from the show pretty hard, and I kind of don’t want to leave her alone.” I said walking away even more to deafen her cries.

“I’ll send her manager over. It isn’t your job to take her burdens, Farai.”

I tried to combat his words, “Yeah, I know, but–”

“Let Sowoo do her job.” he replied. “I’ll be there in 15 minutes. Be ready by then in something cute and bright but easy to change out of.”

“Yes, oppa.” I sighed and hung up. Wait. Easy to change out of? Why? I’d find out sooner or later. I explained to Gina and Sooja that I had to go but that Sowoo was coming over to help.

My vibe was a bit closer to business casual since I’d be changing out of it anyways. Black blouse, white skirt, “nude” heels. I did my usual makeup i ~5 minutes and was at the door when Kyung knocked. Sowoo was next to him and asked where Sooja was. I told her and she rushed up the stairs while I left with my manager oppa.

It was a special lunch according to him, with important people. He made me change my blouse and heels to yellow. I looked so bright and tacky, but it was whatever. This would cut into my homework time even more, but he had already told my teacher about the situation. When I was dropped off to a garden themed cafe , there didn’t seem to be many people that weren’t BigHit of café staff there. Lots of bodyguards, even more in plain clothes.

I was put into a mint and pink hanbok and then led to a table. No wonder Kyung was drilling me about traditional table manners that we learned in class two weeks ago. I’d have to use it here. I made eye contact with one of the judges of the show.

“I’m glad you could make it, Iris.” Suga said as I entered. “Especially with such short notice. We’ll be sitting in a private room in case the store gets busy. Lots of natural lighting.”

I didn’t question his use of we because it was probably just more judges or just me and him or whatever for some sort of check in. I was wrong. When he opened the door, I instantly recognized all the faces that were in there. Idols. We were all in hanbok with cameras in the corners and two on the table. I bowed deeply to all of them. RM, Winner’s Mino, Joohoney from Monsta X. Two I didn’t recognize right off the bat, but I was pretty sure they were rappers too.

“You’re just as beautiful in front of us as on TV.” Joohoney said with a smile.

“Please, sit.” Suga said.

“Thank you.” I bowed again and sat.

Suga spoke up after we were both seated in the room, “I ordered food for all of us. Don’t worry, Iris, it’s vegetarian.”

Bimibap and tofu made a beautiful and light spread in front of us for our first meal. It was mostly casual chatter with them asking why I didn’t eat meat and learning stuff about me until Mino asked what kind of performer I wanted to be.

“One that inspires others in a positive way, even if it is just a moment.” I responded, choosing my words carefully.

They smiled and continued to ask me questions about the idol I wanted to become and how I was getting there. They asked how I practiced and why I didn’t want to do rap or hip hop even though it was my culture.

“Oh, well, for most of my adolescence I basically rejected my blackness and black culture.” I responded, “Combine that with my rebellion against my father and I was called white or an Oreo by a lot of the people I knew, it was rather easy for me to escape the expectations of black girls personality and music wise.”

Mino asked, “What does it mean to be called an Oreo? Like the cookie right?”

I nodded, “Physically black or brown on the outside but having a white personality or traits considered to be white on the inside.”

RM asked, “Has that changed, your view towards your own culture?”

“Yeah. Thanks to BTS and something my mom said, actually. She told me in middle school that I was black and that even the ‘white’ things I did was black because it was me. She also showed me black nerd stuff to make me realize other people like me existed. Also RM-sunbae, um, Namjoon-oppa–”

They wanted me to be more casual with them. It was one of the first things they had said to me when we were eating.

I looked at him, “You making your mistakes and then openly and actively learning and growing and appreciating black culture. Wanting to get it right, basically I saw my culture through your eyes, how much you loved it and wanted to represent it correctly, and it helped me to accept my blackness.”

He hid his face, “You’re too kind.”

“No, for real. Thank you, oppa.” I bowed.

More questions and jokes and stories from all of us, and then we changed back into normal clothes. We said goodbyes to each other. I asked what that was all about to Kyung, and he said it was a secret for later. The day after, I had a lunch with some female rappers scheduled and a dinner with vocalists.

However, those would be with three other competitors. That gave me a hint of what it was for–the show–but I still had no idea what we were preparing for.

### Sunday, 12:32pm

What even was my life anymore? Imani, James, Hyojoon, and I were sitting with Jessi, Cheetah, CLC’s Yeeun, and (G)I-dle’s Soyeon. We talked mostly about our origins and where we wanted to go. Lunch was nice, but for once in my life, I was too nervous to eat.

“You are all so much prettier in person, and I did not think that was possible.” I said.

Jessi giggled, “She stole your line!” and pointed to the boys.

They asked our thoughts about the others.

“…it’s funny.” Hyojoon said to Yeeun. “Just the other day, I was talking to Alice and she said she would love to perform with you someday.”

“Really? Me?”

He nodded, “Absolutely! She admires you a lot!”

“Tell her I said thank you, won’t you?”

“I absolutely will.” Hyojoon grinned.

After lunch, Imani and I had to go to practice for our duet. Yep. We had a duet. The show must’ve dropped some ratings and drama between the two members of the show who hated each other the most would bring them back in for sure.

__

### Thursday, 9pm

_The night after the show, Matthew went home to pack up his things. We’d met up for a late dinner afterwards. For now, the rest of us were glad to be staying. It was a group feeling: This was real now. This was so real._

_We were all in front of a screen to reveal what teams would be formed and our theme. It was all flash and stuff to get to it, but when we saw the list and our names together “Aphrodite & Iris”, we looked at each other._

__

_~Ares & Lyssa_  
_~Yuhwa, Bastet, and Anubis_  
_~Lan Caihe & Igong_  
_~Loki & Haemosu_  
_~Aphrodite & Iris  
_

_“What did I do to deserve this?” She asked and then got mad at me. “Why aren’t you reacting?”_

_I shrugged, “I’m annoyed that I’ll have to work with someone as petty and superficial as you, but we’ve worked together before and we sound good together whether we like it or not.”_

_“Why you gotta–”_

_“Treat you the way you shoot me? Anyways, if we’re working together, then we can do it with your attitude or mine. That was yours. Wanna see mine?” I stuck out my hand. “I hope we can work well despite our differences.”_

_She didn’t say anything as she shook my hand, but I hoped she understood that I wasn’t playing these games. Then the theme was revealed to be First Generation Kpop. I hoped for Fin. K.L. but let Imani draw for our group. It was hella tense and I hated that feeling. We got S.E.S_

_“Who are they?” Imani asked._

_“SM’s first girl group.” I replied. “I don’t know anything by them, though.”_

_She nodded, having calmed down a bit, “Let’s have a listening party before we go to bed.”_

_“Alright, sounds good.”_

### Friday, 1am

After dinner and saying our final goodbyes to Matthew, Imani and I listened to and rated all the songs we could find for S.E.S. I was so tired. Hardly any of the songs went about 7. All of them were very R&B, just not my cup of tea. I did take into account which had decent raps so that at least Imani could shine.

“What’s your highest?” I asked.

“Their debut with some tweaks and revising.” She said. “You?”

I replied, “I liked ‘I Love You’ the most. It’s the only one that got an eight.”

“You really hate black culture, don’t you?”

“Yeah, totally.” I gave her a deadpan reply followed by a sigh. “ANyways, we have our top three songs. Let’s relisten and–”

“Or we can just go with their debut. It’ll be their most recognized song.” She interrupted.

I looked at her, “Or we can do the song that got them popular which is the one I chose.” Not surprisingly.

“Or you can just listen to me!”

“I’d rather win.” I yawned.

She threw her notepad on the floor, “Fine! You choose the stupid song but I get to choose our concept and outfits.”

I started typing on my phone, “Yeah. Sure. Whatever. You really need to keep your temper in check, or you’ll never make it as an idol.” I stood and yawned as I stretched. “Song sent in. WE’ll start vocals and lyrics tomorrow or whenever we’re scheduled.”

### Sunday, 1:26pm

And that turned into now. We bowed to our sunbaenims as we left. Then Imani and I went to our scheduled session with Yujin-oppa and Pdogg. Yujin was not a huge hip hop or R&B person, so we need someone with experience in those genres. Both of us had to work on pronunciation. Mine in the opening wasn’t that great.

“Malkeun yurichangeuro haessari nareul bangineun i neukkim / Mideul suga eopseojyeo Oh yeah neomudo / Naege sojunghameul neck kill shoe issdorok haejun neo” Imani sang. It was the line right before my part and then into our duet part and then her rap.

“It’s ‘소중함을 느낄 수’ not ‘sojunghameul neck kill shoe’, Aphrodite.” Pdogg corrected. “You’re rushing like you usually do, so you can get to the rap part. It’s not gonna come any faster if you mess up.”

They worked on that for about 15-17 minutes before she went through with the correct pronunciation and timing. Then I was allowed to sing my part which I had worked on a bit this morning and got my notes afterwards.

“You do this every week, but you can go faster. Don’t be too cautious, Iris.” Yujin said. “They’re just words. Say them as such.”

“Yes, sir.” I said, disappointed in myself and hating getting these notes in front of Imani.

He sighed, “You’re always formal when I hurt your feelings. It’s annoying.”

“Sorry, sir.”

“I said it’s annoying. Stop it and don’t say–”

“I apologize, sir.”

“What did I just say?”

I winced at his rise in volume.

“Calm the fuck down!” Imani snapped. “You just kicked her while she’s down. She’s sensitive as hell and overthinks like she’s getting paid for it.” Imani flipped her hair over her shoulder. “If you don’t want her getting defensive, don’t attack her.”

“I was just crit–”

“I said what I said.”

“…I’ll speed up.” I said after a silent moment.

As we continued to practice, I couldn’t help but think about Imani standing up for me. She noticed me overthinking? That’s what surprised me most. Although she openly despised me, the 18 year old blonde had her moments of kindness.

“You should be more understanding.” Pdogg said to Yujin when he thought we were out of earshot.

Once outside, I asked my partner, “Hey, do you wanna practice the dance and get the basics down once we–”

“I practiced the dance this morning.” She said as she got into the van with manager Namil. “You should grow a backbone or you’ll never make it as an idol.” and the door slammed shut.

“Iris!” Kyung called from the other waiting van.

Acting class was moved to today.

### Sunday, 4:22pm

Once I got home from my acting glass about how couples were usually cast, I had to either nap or eat before dance practice for the rest of the night. I’d get a dizzy headache without enough rest, so a thirty minute nap is what I chose.

It was a horrible nightmare about outfits. I had meant to ask Imani what we were gonna wear, but didn’t have the chance to. I was terrified that I’d be made fun of or that something would rip or slip during the live choreo causing me to be kicked off right then and there.

“Don’t pull there!” I said and opened my eyes with a start.

Two pairs of eyes were looking back at me as I had fallen asleep in the Red Room. Sooja and Dongmin in workout gear playing video games.

“Uh, how long until we leave?” I asked.

“10 minutes.” Dongmin chirped.

I nodded and went into my room to change into shorts and a tank top. I then knocked on Imani’s door and she answered.

She sighed and leaned on the doorway, “What?”

“Just wondering if you’ve planned our outfits is all.” I Said.

“Yeah. I have. It’s very early 200s pastels but also very much my style. Matchy matchy.”

I asked, “Can I see?”

“At tomorrow’s consultation, you can.” Imani picked up her workout bag, “For now, dance practice.”

I sighed and let her pass before going back to my room to get my bag and head downstairs before we were driven off to the official dance studio to work on our opening mashup in three groups of four. It was quite fun even though we were serious about learning what to do.

### Monday, 1:30am

After staying up all night to learn the dances, I was so freaking tired. Hyojoon asked if asked if I was ok as I dragged my feet into the nearest van. It was me, Tristan, and Hyojoon with Gina. A random group. The tall Korean rested on my arm and fell asleep. I tucked him in the jacket he had thrown on himself.

I woke him up once we got home. Then it wasn’t long until I woke up to my alarm blaring.

Monday, 7am  
A quick morning routine and then face mask. Thow on shorts and the friendship hoodie. Then I tried not to nap on the way to the outfit consultation, but my lids were heavy. Once we were there, I was taken to hair and makeup. My hair was washed and combed. They told me I’d be wearing a straight black wig once my hair was braided down.

“Part of Imani’s outfit for me?” I asked.

The woman combing my left side nodded, “Yep. You’ll probably look like twins by the time the look is complete.”

“Fun.” I responded with no enthusiasm whatsoever.

An hour later, my hair was braided and the lace front wig was secured onto my head.

Eddie smiled, “You look so different!”

“It’s extremely heavy.” I replied.

“You should practice with it. Ask if you can borrow some of Jun’s until it feels more familiar.” He made sure my hair was out of my face and began his work.

He asked for details about or songs and how they were coming along. I told him learning 2-3 new songs and choreo a week was difficult as hell. He said he understood because he had to make 2-3 looks for two different girls every week.

“It’s easy and hard at the same time because your concepts are so different. Imani has a lot of dimension, sharpness, insta baddie and you’re more simple. Just eyes, lips, cheeks, and color…usually. Just so contrasting so I can’t just copy, paste, and alter, but it’s fun.”

“Agreed.”

“Done for now. You can’t look until you’re finished getting dressed, though.” He covered in front of my eyes and make sure not to mess with my fake lashes too much.

I said ok and met with Sirab who hugged me even though he barely recognized me. Then he felt my head.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m checking to see if you’re sick or something. Why are you letting her do this?”

“I chose the song. She did outfits.” I replied. “Y’know, after she got pissed and lost her temper.”

He sighed and handed me something pink and short with some strappy apricot heels. Or as I liked to call them ‘not my nude’ colored. She wasn’t taking any inspiration from the actual group, was she?

I slipped into my spandex body shaper and then into the bodycon dress that barely reached mid thigh, and they were being held up by the thinnest spaghetti straps the world had ever seen. Everything in the mirror screamed that this wasn’t me.

“It’s just this week. It’s just this week.” I told myself. “Then you can be yourself again.”

“You done yet?” Imani asked.

“…Yeah.” I bit my tongue before saying how much I hated it.

“Then come on ut and let us see your new look.”

I pulled down the hem as I walked out and did a wobbly spin.

Sirab could see the less than excitement on my face and tried to be positive, “So, how do you feel?”

“Plastic.” I said without thinking. “What I mean is that…it’s very modelesque and like a high quality Barbie Doll. Yep. I feel like a Barbie doll.”

She used those words to describe her fashion one time, so I borrowed them for now. We stood side by side in the mirror with our completed looks. At least mine was a dress. Her’s was a powder blue crop and skirt of a slightly richer tone. And her hair was in a wavy ponytail.

“Any changes you want?” Sirab asked.

I looked at Imani, “Uh…”

“Well, is it perfect or not?”

NOT! “I’ll try something new this week.” Was my response as I pulled the top up to cover my chest a bit more. “The heels are a bit thin though.”

Sirab answered, “The boots are not in yet, so these are just for reference pics and to have a complete look.”

He showed me the tall white boots that would be in on Tuesday on his laptop.

“Ah, those are cute!” I said.

Imani smsiled, “I know you don’t show too much skin, so I tried to cover up below. You really like it?”

“Yea!” I replied. “Just gotta get used to it is all.”

I felt like a stuffed sausage.

“And I’ve got some faux fur features just in case the studio doesn’t like the skin being out.” He snapped a few pics of us like he did every week to get approval.

Monday, 1pm  
Soon enough, we went home and I bade a beeline for the Diary room.

“Dear God. I can’t believe this! I…I just came back from our outfit consultation for this week with Imani er Aphrodite and you’re in for a surprise. There is a reason my hair looks like this. I just… it’s not me.”

I laughed, “It’s not me, fellas. Don’t look at me.” I deepened my voice to imitate Namjoon.

Then I shook my head, “But no, seriously. This isn’t my style at all. You probably won’t recognize me by how I look, so please judge me by my voice when I sing tonight.”

I spoke as if it could become part of a package before performing. With that off my chest, I put on my bathing suit and went for a swim. Just a few laps before I headed upstairs to the hot tub.

Alice joined me with Jun, and they looked expectantly at me. I didn’t realize until I opened my eyes again to see them staring lasers into my face.

“So?” Jun asked. “What’s the outfit?”

“I look like her if she was inflated with helium. The shoes aren’t in yet, but the wig is.”

Alice gasped, “Wig?”

I nodded, “Wig.”

Jun leaned back, “Wig…”

“A straight black wig cuz I have my natural hair for everything else.” I whined. “It’s so heavy that Ed said I should ask you for help.” I looked a Jun.

She smiled, “I sure will help you. I’m guessing your hair will be braided until the show?”

I nodded again, “Yeah. That’s why they did shapes instead of regular cornrows.”

“I’m excited to see you in the full outfit, roomie.” Jun said.

“You’ll look great. I’m sure of it.” Alice tried to cheer me up.

I looked at them, “I’ll look good, stunning even, but not like me. It’s a costume.”

And I sunk under the water to avoid the rest of the convo. It would just be one day of putting this false version of me forward. That’s all. I reminded myself as I went to bed that night.

### Wednesday, 6:30pm

Even though Jun had let me wear her wigs all week, I still couldn’t get used to the weight of the one that was put on me for dress rehearsal. The weeks seemed fast and slow all at the same time. I was in the pink dress and it snapped when I raised my arm. The only “bra” I had on was a couple of pasties.

So we stopped and Sirab said he would fix it and tie it for both arms so it wouldn’t be a last minute dress change. I said ok, and Imani said I would look cuter with the bows but we weren’t going for cute.

Sirab looked at her, “It fits with her goddess more, and we really don’t have the time to get an all new dress that looks like this.”

She sighed, “Fine.”

“We all know this won’t happen on stage since I’m perfect and my assistants are top notch, but in case it does…what do you want to do?” He asked.

My reply was given as the strap was safety pinned together, “Keep a fur cropped jacket nearby so we can cover it up and I can keep going.”

“Sounds legit.” Nisa said. “White or light purple.”

So it was a hiccup, but the safety pin held until I took it off and returned it to the crew. The white boots fit perfectly and were comfortable enough to dance in. I didn’t want to take them off. The finale outfit was nice and simple, black bottoms and a solid colored silk top. Then we went home to rest and do some last minute practices. We made ourselves practice our group numbers once more before heading to bed.

I was walking back upstairs with Imani when I noticed her smiling.

“An unexpected expression from you around me.” I said.

“Thank you for being nice to me and stuff. I really like our outfits and you…sorta picked a good song for us to sing.” She didn’t look at me while she gave her compliment.

“Thanks.” I smiled. “Sweet dreams.”

“You too.”

### Thursday, 8:15pm

I wanted…to…die. I didn’t feel it slip but saw the faces look away. I looked down and saw brown instead of pink. My brain begged me to move instead of panicking, but I did both at the same time. Too long.

It took me too long in my own head but probably just a few seconds in reality. Seconds that crawled. I moved to the back and sang as I turned away from the cameras and waited for a jacket. They couldn’t see me on main stage but they could hear me. The voice that came out of my mouth right before Aphrodite’s rap.

Inside: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Fucking shit! What the hell? It was supposed to be fixed!

The jacket was slipped on and zipped up, and I hurried back to finish the song with Imani. I kept on singing even though my mind was going a million miles an hour. What did this mean? Whose votes would be negatively affected? The clip package before our performance showed how we divided up the responsibilities. It was basically non stop arguing put into a minute or so.

The clothes were her idea, but it was my boob that had been exposed. She ran off the stage crying instead of waiting for judges’ critique. Imani was still just an 18 year old girl. I stayed on stage knowing James would take care of her. My instinct said the show must go on, but I was told we’d only get critiqued once we were both on stage. They’d have to carve out time for that somewhere. Time was already tight.

So I bowed and went backstage. After I handed the mic to the manager, I looked around for answers.

“James?” I was walking but I didn’t know where.

“With Alice comforting Imani in the bathroom.” Hyojoon said.

“Should I–?”

He nodded and held me still, “Wait.” and we went to one of the more hidden spots backstage. A small hallway.

I leaned on the wall and waited to be told what to do. I had time before I could change. Didn’t know if I even should change right then or wait until we were called back up on stage.

“I’m…confused.” I said aloud. “What do I do?”

“How do you feel?” Hyojoon asked.

I was silent for a long time, “I want Imani to be ok. Like, I know this wasn’t completely her fault. She picked the clothes, but neither of us knew this would happen. I didn’t feel right about such a thin strap from the beginning. We were told it would be fixed–I, I don’t blame her. I blame myself for not saying what I wanted to say.”

He put his hand on my back, “Go talk to her and tell her that.”

“Iris?!” It was Kyung’s voice. “Has anyone seen Iris?”

“If I have the time, I will.” I said and let myself be known.

It was time to start changing into my last outfit, but first we had like 5 minutes to get critique from the judges. They said they were going to ignore the wardrobe malfunction since it wasn’t a performance aspect. It was overall positive and I was commended for my fast thinking. I wanted to hide under a rock every time they mentioned it. They probably didn’t wanna say anything negative since it was a rough night already.

As we went to change into our finale looks, the assistants were debating on whether or not to bring it up. One I really didn’t know but recognized by her half teal half silver hair came into the room crying and picking up their stuff. Sirab approached and gave me a hug since I was just getting jewelry put on.

“I am so sorry, sweetheart. I swear on my life it’ll never happen again.” He looked into my eyes. “That was an assistant that had been recommended to me. She was given the task of fixing your dress. I should’ve done it myself. I promise I’ll be more careful. Ok?”

I nodded, “Thank you.”

He touched my face and then headed to help others. I got the back of my hair taken down to make it looked like a 90’s-esque style. Then I stretched a bit more, keeping an eye if Imani was around. I asked Jun to go over the choreo with me and then wavy blonde hair and swollen eyes passed by on the way to hair and makeup.

“Imani, I–”

“Busy!” She replied. It was sharp but not as cold as she usually spoke towards me.

Maybe later then…I hadn’t been able to talk to her on the stage, and she hadn’t really hadn’t let me touch her then either. I wanted to let her know it was ok.


	9. Week 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another week of working on this show. I'm having lots of fun despite what happened...um. At least karma works really quickly in both directions.

### Friday, 9:20am

So, I wanted to scream. Everyone and their mother had already made memes out of my mishap last night. I didn’t wanna blame Imani because I doubt she knew that would’ve happened. As an Aquarius, I did what we do best. I hid in my room and didn’t let anybody see me trying to cope with what an embarrassing night it had been once we were home after an all night practice. I screamed into my pillow and then went to the bathroom since it was the only place in this whole fucking house that didn’t have cams!

I wanted to cry and scream and…nothing came. I was dry and silent, so I washed my hands and got ready for whatever new challenge was ahead. We had schedules that told us to be in the Blue Room at 10am. We had gotten home twenty minutes ago from learning the basics of kpop dance, so everyone was mostly done getting ready. No showers were longer than five minutes even with washing hair.

I washed the curls right back into my head and dried it off as best I could but it was still dripping on the towel around my neck.

To say I overcompensated for the unintentional nip slip would be an understatement. I wore my black BTS Love Yourself hoodie and hot pink wide flared yoga pants. It was the complete opposite of my pastel pink skin tight dress that I had been stuffed into just hours before.

The elevator dinged for me, and I prayed I was the only one who was near. Luck wasn’t on my side as Imani lunged into the carriage. I rolled my eyes and leaned on the furthest back corner I could. Gina was right behind. That was the most awkward 30 seconds.

“I didn’t do it on purpose.” The blonde said.

“I know.” I replied sharply with arms folded and bit my tongue before saying anything else.

Even if I had told her that I didn’t feel comfy in what she had chosen, would she really had changed anything about it? No. She probably would’ve become the whole “THAT’S MY OPINION!!!” Meme and yell about how it was her job to pick clothes, so I wasn’t allowed to say anything against her choices.

Gina said something in Spanish as she entered the blue room. Tristan looked at me.

“Noona, are you ok?”

“Yeah.” I said and stood next to Jun as the 11 of us looked at the TV.

She put her arm around me comfortingly. Bang PD showed up on the screen congratulating us on a performance well done and showed us our current rankings. I was 5th, surprisingly. Jun squeezed my shoulder and I smiled a bit.

“So, for this next challenge, we’ll be doing something a bit…different. It’s your first group challenge! You’ll be put into two different even groups. I’ve decided who will be doing what. First name I call will stand on the left, second name on the right.”

We all looked at each other and made space like awkward high schoolers. I did NOT wanna be on a team with Imani again.

“Iris, Ares, Loki, Lan Caihe, Yuhwa, Aphrodite, Anubis, Hallakgungi, Haemosu, Lyssa, Ixchel.”

I stood among Nawoo, Sooja, James, Tristan, and Gina. What did we have in common? Our names showed on screen for a few seconds to make sure we were in the right groups. Then Bang PD-nim showed up once more.

“I’m sure you’re wondering what you’re doing.”

“Yeah” “Yep” “I sure am” echoed coupled with nods and curious glances.

He smiled, “Team 1, you’ll be doing a choreo based performance with a song that you have chosen as a group. Team 2, you’ll be doing the exact opposite, focusing on vocals instead of dance or rap. This week’s theme is: Out of your comfort zone.”

Fuck.

“You only have two rules that you must follow.” Band PD pointed to each team respectively. “Team 1, It has to be a girl group dance and no rapping whatsoever. If there is rap, it will be cut whether you planned for it or not. As for you team 2, yours has to be a vocal heavy boy group song.”

We nodded. Double fuck.

“Good luck, Deities.”

“Team 1 dibs!” Tristan called out. “We’re working down here. Team 2 find someone else.”

A moment after everyone had pulled out phones and James got a white board marker to write with, “Ok, so?”

“This sucks! No disrespect to girl groups, but a lot of the choreo sucks.” I said, not feeling the need for a filter. “It’s simple. Easy. Very upper body and cutesy. Even the girl crush concepts. Comparing girl cute to guy cute and still too bleh. I won’t have much say in this cuz I won’t be happy with much.”

Tristan put his hand on my knee, “C’mon, Noona. Don’t be like that. It has to be relatively simple if we’re gonna be doing it.”

“Tristan’s right.” Nawoo said. “We’re not exactly the best dancers.”

“Ahem” Gina said.

James laughed, “Except for this hot Mami here.”

She giggled, “Let me lead?”

We nodded and sat while she stood, “We do have to do girl group dances which are quite simple, but girl groups have been stepping up their game lately. I know we have busy schedules for today, but during your down time look for a dance you think we could all do.”

“We’ll need criteria.” James said. “Things we will not do and things we might do. I’ll start. No twerking. A slight hip shimmy and I’m out.”

Nawoo spoke, “Nothing too feminine please. Nothing too focused on boobs or butt or aegyo. Please no.”

“I agree with that.” I spoke up. “Nothing too hard on knees. Like, not too much crouching or kneeling.”

Tristan added, “The song itself has to be catchy but not too repetitive. It won’t be fun if it’s just droning.”

James wrote the stuff down in Hangul on the whiteboard. We all took photos of it for when we were searching later. Then we ate and began going through some groups we would and would not include in our search. It was time for some fittings, and I was needed in the diary room. There was a list of questions sent to me.

“Uh, it was embarrassing to say the least.” My face got hot. “To be fair, I didn’t say anything about how thin the straps were because I didn’t think Imani would listen. She usually has to say her opinion loudly and argue. I just wanted to avoid that.”

I sighed, “Part of me had hoped this would bring us closer, but it’s all linked to so much negativity and bad energy. I don’t think there’s any hope for us.” Then I bit my lip. “I’ll make more of an effort to get past this, though. If we do somehow end up in the final together, then we’ll have to work things out. I don’t want our relationship to be so unfixable at that point.”

“Oh, this challenge. This challenge! You heard what I had to say in the blue room. To put it simply, girl groups are given sauce when they could perform a whole banquet. There are some groups that never got the chance to show what they had and others who are changing girl group dances as we know it.” Then I tilted my head, “But it’s still ‘I gotta show off my assets instead of my talent’ when it comes to girl groups.”

I talked about videos I had seen and more in detail even dancing and showing how two genders did things. Told the camera to watch guys doing girl covers and girls doing guy covers. There were ways that the girl bodies moved where they were sometimes better than the original guy group that did them, however when guys did girl dances. For the most part, it was a parody. Drag in the most unflattering and offensive way.

The guys focused on attitude instead of moves which were usually just hopping and smiling and excessive hair flips for ratty wigs.

“But things are changing little by little. I just wish it would change sooner. I mean, we have groups like Dreamcatcher who are able to do rock and still keep that femininity because rock is a perfect mesh of masc and femme.” I smiled. “I wish we had been able to agree on them, but perfect women are intimidating.”

“We’ll find something to perform that’ll be amazing. Just gotta do some searching. I hope Korea’s ready for what we’ve got.”

### Saturday, 2pm

And now I’ll talk about my fitting since Friday was mostly just my acting class. Good news about that, Nanami made some new friends and asked if she could do the next group scene with them instead. She said she didn’t want me to be mad or sad, but I was only crying because I was proud of her.

I had a snack on the way to practice. When I saw Lyssa there, I was surprised. Usually, we were the only ones for at least half an hour before the next person came in but she was here now.

We were all just getting taught backup choreo last night and having an impromptu lesson on how to sell attitude.

“Hey, girl!” I called to her.

“Iris!” She hooked her arm in mine. “Son Sung Deuk-nim told me to stand outside and wait for someone. I’m guessing you’re that someone.”

I laughed, “Guess so. Let’s head up.”

We walked in and were stopped in the foyer area with confetti, “Congrats! You get the opening number!”

“What?” We looked around.

Our choreographer smiled, “You girls will be doing the opening number for next week. You’ll get to talk to the costumers and stuff. The song you’ll be doing is ‘No’ by CLC. We can’t wait to see what you bring to the table.”

I was in so much shock that I didn’t come back into my body until Alice kissed my cheek and I squeaked, “Alice!” My hand went to my cheek.

“That’s the only PG thing I could do to get you to snap out of it. You’re lucky that there are cameras.” She winked.

I sucked in my lips, “So, what’s the concept?”

Sirab said, “That’s up to you girls. Alice did have a pretty cool idea, though.”

We both looked at her.

“If you’re up to it, I was thinking we could do what we wished CLC had done when they did the music video. We could literally not wear heels or lipstick and just wear, idk, a hoodie and shorts or some jeans or something.”

I put my head into my hands, “And here I thought I couldn’t love you any more than I already do. I like it.”

“Are you sure?” Sirab said. “Now you girls know I’m always here for you being true to yourselves, but for this? It is a performance to open the show.”

“The theme is to be out of our comfort zone, isn’t it?” I said.

She smiled, “Exactly! We’ll start out by giving the audience that feeling of shock. A real pair of girls.”

I agreed, “Being casual. Not performing what a woman is, but just being women who are on stage performing.”

“We’re both for it, and your job is easier.”

Sirab sighed, “Ok. Alright. We’ll go with casual comfy wear. The comments are yours to deal with, though.” he wrote on his tablet. “Will that be just you two or everyone?”

With a look at Alice, I decided to say, “If we have male backup dancers, have them be dressed up. A bit more dissonance.”

“Suits, shirtless. Either is fine.” My partner giggled.

“Alright, so a color scheme? I’m thinking grey sweats and white tank tops or a large hoodie and shorts like you said. Maybe just a large top instead of a hoodie cuz lights.”

We smiled, “Sounds good.”

Alice stood, “Any way that I can show off my legs is a yes from me. You know this.”

“I do.” our stylist said. “I’m guessing it’s also a no for shapewear then.”

The two of us looked at him and he dropped the beige colored spandex. What we were doing brightened up my day. Maybe we’d get less votes, some hate mail, death threats, but it was nothing I wasn’t used to seeing on social media anyways. I was mostly happy that we were going to be wearing sneakers.

Once we were done picking 5 different potential outfits, we had to go to our private choreo class where we told our choreographer what the plan was. She hugged us and told us we were brilliant and then announced it to the other dancers who were jumping in excitement.

The two guys that would be there raised their hands, “What about us? Are we really needed for this?”

“No.” Alice said. “Not really.”

“Still.” I cut in. “We did say things at our style meeting right before this, but I wanted to talk to you too.”

“About?” my blonde partner asked.

I smiled, “So this song is essentially a feminist song for girls. We wanted you to be the ones with all the beauty expectations put on you while we’re free from it. Sort of opposite of what’s expected. That being said, we were thinking of you in either suits or shirtless.”

They didn’t look too bothered by this.

“But I wanna know if you wanna do one of those or something else that would bring out male insecurity.”

The red head said, “I think shirtless brings out more of our insecurity but will also take the attention away from you guys in a bad way. People will say you just wanted eye candy and focus more on that part instead of getting the point.”

I nodded, “What do you think?” I asked the dark haired one.

“Well, I think the same. If we’re shirtless people can target you saying, ‘She says she’s a feminist, but she just hates men.’ and stuff like that. I think some people will understand that we’re insecure but to make it more straight forward, suits.”

Alice hugged my waist, “You’re so smart and thoughtful. Suits it is! The fancy ones, not just black.”

Then we started practice. I felt dizzy after from lack of sleep and tried to work hard and ignore that I felt like just collapsing on the floor and sleeping for a week.

### Saturday, 6:36pm

So I grabbed some sleep while on the ride home to reconvene with my group. It was almost dinner time. We hadn’t done much except the basics. We’d work with groups for the rest of the day and then Alice and I would have more dance practice after lunch tomorrow until we got the ok.

My group was in the living room now.

“Noona!” Tristan called. “Nawoo thinks he found a dance that we could all do reasonably well. It’s not too girly, and the song is nice too.”

James scooted over so that I could sit, “The song is a bit slower, but there are some full body moves, but it has that annoying blocking thing that a lot of 6 person choreo has.”

“Sorry about that.” Nawoo said.

I rolled my eyes, “It’s ok. I knew it was something I couldn’t be too strict on. Let’s see it.”

He nodded and had his laptop hooked up to the TV, “It’s called ‘짝사랑’ by a very unknown group called S.I.S”

“Yes, let’s give those underrated groups some love!” I got excited.

Tristan laughed, “It’s ok. I had to give up my not too repetitive thing, too. It’s still catchy.”

“We’re changing the aegyo parts.” Nawoo said. “Now hush.”

He played it, and I agreed. It was exactly what they had said and it was also just really good choreo. Of course there were ways they could improve, but they worked hard. I kind of understood what they meant by watching me think. Like my notes from a few weeks ago.

“It’s good. Let’s do that one.”

And we got a mirrored version and chose which person to track. We ordered some takeout and had dinner with the others in the living room. They seemed to be having some trouble choosing what they were gonna sing. I pitched the idea of doing lesser known groups.

Imani held herself back, “Thanks, but we don’t need your help…unnie.”

I nearly choked on my bimibap. James began to tap my back and someone handed me my bottle of water.

“You…you just called me unnie.” I said. “Right? I didn’t just imagine that?”

She hid her face, “You don’t have to be like that! I just wanna be nicer to you because of what happened last night. It’s pity.”

“No, no, no, no. That ain’t pity. You are starting to respect me more…right?”

“Think whatever you want.” Imani ate more of her meal.

I blew my nose and carrot bits came out. Imani just called me unnie. Once dinner was over, we went right back to work. She said she wanted to talk to me first. I told the others to go ahead since this probably wouldn’t take long.

“Before you say anything, I really don’t think last night was your fault.” I wanted her to know that.

“I saw what you said in the diary room this morning about not speaking up. You were right that I would’ve fought you on it. Still, if you wanted a thicker sleeve or something and didn’t want to change too much of my idea then we could’ve done that.”

“…Really?”

She nodded, “I had backup designs and everything. I just wanted to see what you were gonna say to that.”

I closed my eyes, “I just didn’t want to fight anymore.”

“I don’t wanna fight anymore, either. Queens help to fix each other’s crowns, but I’ve just been calling your diamonds rhinestones.” She looked at me, “msry”

“What?”

“I’m..c.”

I blinked, “Are you trying to say–”

“I’m sorry!” She said forcefully. “I’m sorry for being such a bitch! I just got mad when you weren’t the black unnie I wanted and thought you were all whitewashed and stuff because of your music taste.”

“Says the straight haired blonde?” I chuckled.

Imani glared at me and pointed her finger at me, “Right. It’s ironic, isn’t it? Anyways, that’s all I wanted to say. I’m sorry for judging you and not getting to know you.”

The young girl began to walk off, but I called after her, “What made you change your mind about me?”

“You took an L all because of what I wanted us to wear. I realized it was my own insecurities and blindness while you’re so open about everything. Thanks, unnie.” She continued back to the red room where they were meeting.

### Sunday, 6:44am

I don’t know when I went to sleep, but I woke up at 6:44am smelling Jun’s perfume. Brush teeth, wash face, dance practice with my group. We were finally able to do a solid run through with only four messups from each of us. Nothing too big. Still not good enough, but we’d fix that later. We all headed to the studio and realized that we had to learn the song too. We didn’t really focus on that part.

“They really expect a full idol performance, huh?” Gina asked as we were handed sheet music and stuff.

All of us nodded. We had to change choreo parts to match our vocals after learning the lyrics. It was basically starting from the beginning. I wanted to tear my hair out. Sunday was a travel day, so we wouldn’t get too much practice in. It wasn’t a public performance this time, at least. It was just a challenge. Whoever took the most pictures with fans won a special dinner.

I remember having so many people ask me if my strap was ok today. There was one who was just so obnoxious about it on the train, so I said, “I have four. Which one were you curious about?”

The wheels turned in his head for a second and he counted on his fingers. Each for my shoulders and…? I happily explained it to him and his face flushed as scarlet as my bright red scarf. His friend just started laughing and held his hand up for a high five.

“You have my vote for next week.” He said.

“Thanks, picture?” I asked.

We took a quick photo and we went our separate ways. Tristan and Imani tied for first place in photos. I was about average. That annoyed me. It annoyed me so much just being in the middle even though I had been last for so many years. I had to do better.

_Push yourself_, My brain told me, and I nodded.

Alice and I practiced our opening and got sent pics from Sirab. He was the head stylist and also the “direct stylist” for me, Dongmin, Gina, and Hyojoon, those of us with less than standard body proportions. Gina was shorter than everyone, so she had to get petite things. Hyojoon’s body had no curves and was basically a thin brick. It would be easier for us to go straight to him than through a stylist.

There was a pic of a girl in all pink gym clothes that she had never worked out in, white tennis shoes, basically “gym barbie brat chic” or whatever. That is NOT what we wanted since it was still very instagram. Then it was a pic of a girl in Adidas sweats and a kinda loose crop top. Alice loved it.

“Maybe shorts instead.”

I shook my head, “Yeah, for you, I don’t think I’ll be wearing a crop anytime soon.”

“You could pull it off though.” Alice chirped.

“I mean, yeah, of course I could, but I’m not sure if I want to, y’know?” I sighed. “Not without something under it. Also, I’d rather avoid body shaming comments if possible. Wearing a crop top seems like I’m inviting them.”

She pouted at me, “You’re not, but I know what you mean. People feel more warented to comment about a fat person’s body without being asked.”

I nodded, “Exactly. I do like the shape of those sweats though. Maybe an oversized tank top for me?”

“Would it be too much to have NO on our tops in gold or pink foil? Maybe MeToo?”

“Hmmm…” I hummed. “I say no since I want our art to speak for itself. Using words would be too on the nose and straightforward in a boring manner. Also, I tend to err on the side of simplicity.”

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I found her right behind me. I had been pacing around the hotel room for the last ten minutes as we talked. Now I had stopped moving and turned to face her, and her face was sooooo much closer than I had anticipated. Alice’s eyes searched my face.

“Why you so close?”

“I like being close to you.” She smiled. “Your face…it’s smaller than the day I met you.”

I touched my cheeks and chin, “Yeah. Idol life does that.”

Alice’s hair was braided in two today. She sat on the bed and asked about home. If I had any crushes and all that stuff. I told her about one that I believed was love at first sight but could never get my feelings across to him. He was a huge nerd and we went to high school together, but I didn’t know about him until we went to the same college and had mutual friends. She asked me what I liked about him, laughing when I mentioned Doctor Who.

“I like that show too. I sometimes forget the fandom is so huge. He sounds like a good match for you, Farai. What’s his name?”

“Nolan.” I told her.

Knock knock. Dance practice began now that Tristan was back.

### Tuesday, 5:15pm

Back home and it was now Tuesday. Two more days until the live show. We had the outfits for S.I.S but not “No.” We kept telling Sirab to be more basic and chill but he did make styles that were very not basic. Alice and I said we’d just grab workout clothes if nothing had been decided by the day. We worked hardcore on lyrics today since we were still messing up a bunch on those.

We were taken out from rehearsals every once in a while to film some more segments for the show. Since they wanted all our attention on this challenge, we were being asked fan questions and such for filler. They wanted the fans to get to know their idol hopefuls. The 12…no 11 of us were encouraged to ask each other these questions as well.

After I answered questions about my allergies, I went back in at 2pm. It was 5 in the evening when we felt like this was a good enough performance to put on stage. Yujin-oppa even had us do it while we were dancing just to make sure that we could do both at the same time. We practiced for two more hours once we got home. Then I needed a nap, or I was gonna faint.

Kyung said we’d go to the doctor about that. Y’know, probably give me some caffeine pills or something to keep me up without headaches, pushing me past my natural limits. That kind of stuff.

### Tuesday, 8:10pm

Around 8, I was woken up by the strong scent of fried fish. James was making fish for dinner with Imani tossing some chopped vegetables in a bowl as I wandered downstairs to find out why it smelled like home. Gina was forcefully pressing down in an orange bowl. Loud music played. I wondered how it hadn’t woken me up earlier. 

“Ya!” I called. “Didn’t know we were having in indoor cookout.”

“Hey there, sleepy!” James called and handed me a fish pocket. “Try this and tell me how it is. You mentioned this last week, and I’ve been dying to make it.”

I took a bite and chewed it, “Dough needs less salt. Did ya make a spicy batch too?”

He looked at me, “That was the spicy batch.”

“Honey, no. That’s some weak ass cayanne you got then.”

Imani hid her laugh behind her hand, “Iris-unnie went off!”

They stared at her.

“You called her unnie?”

She nodded.

“Since when?” Gina asked.

“Last week.” The two of us replied.

I added, “I’m still getting used to it too. Where’s everyone else?”

“Having an orgy in the basement.”

I laughed.

Gina hit his arm, “Everyone’s working really hard to do touch ups. I needed a break, so I helped James with dinner.”

Several minutes later, we all chattered around hot and tasty food. We shared hilarious childhood stories that caused salmon to come out of Alice’s nose from laughing too hard. A few people noted how close me and Imani had gotten, and she tried to brush it off. I was glad that things seemed more peaceful today. Dongmin and James had become the new gamer boys in Matthew’s absence, so Sooja didn’t feel so lonely anymore.

Still, in two days, another one of us would be gone.

“So, so, so~” Hyojoon said. “I heard that you girls are doing something special with your special performance.”

Alice and I explained the whole costuming thing and statement that we were going for.

“I think I’ll even wear blue lipstick just cuz it’s not red.”

Tristan chuckled, “But Noona, you do red lips all the time.”

“Cuz I look amazing in it, and I’ll be wearing it later that night. However,” I took a sip of Vitamin Water. “It’s to get the message across.”

Alice poked my arm, “I thought you erred on the side of simplicity?”

“Sometimes I do, but blue lipstick.” I laughed.

“I’ll join you on that, then.”

Dongmin asked, “Who do you think will be getting the next opening? Namil told me it wouldn’t all be duets or groups, that we’ll get solos too.”

Hyojoon responded, “Point to who you’ll think it is on three. One, two, three!”

There were three people pointing at Imani including herself, three at Tristan, two at Gina and one for Sooja, Hyojoon, and James.

“Well, thanks a lot guys!” Dongmin said.

He had been at the bottom of the board lately, so it wasn’t a surprise that no one had voted for him. Still, it must’ve hurt. We all tried to give our excuses and whatnot.

He pouted, “The only one I’ll forgive is James because he’s my closest friend and he might poison me if I don’t.” He laughed. “I’ll be on top of the leaderboard Thursday, don’t you worry about it.”

“I’m rootin’ for you, Dongmin-ah. You’re really talented.”

We then voted on best rapper out of Imani, Dongmin, Tristan, and James. I pointed at Dongmin and Imani. James got the most votes. Imani’s rapping was simple but still really good and clear and just beautiful to me. Dongmin always gave 100% when he was spitting. Tristan was more focused on training his vocals and James…typical.

“Typical?” He put his hand on chest like he was offended.

“Yeah. Like, you don’t have a unique flavor to me.” I explained.

Others nodded, “She’s not wrong.” Sooja admitted.

“Et tu Sooja? I’m never cookin’ for y’all ever again!”

We laughed as his dramatics.

### Thursday, 4:20pm

Thursday. We all woke up and practiced. Then we had dress rehearsals. I was in hot pink shorts with a large pink tank top. Black high tops. Alice was in black sweats and a lacy black crop top with pink tennis shoes. Sirab explained this was based on a few of the clips he had seen of us just chilling at home or during practice.

For us it was the “no makeup makeup look” so that we wouldn’t be washed out by the cameras but no liner or glitter with electric blue lips. We went over the dance twice for cameras to record in case the live went wrong.

Then I changed into the “짝사랑” outfit. Variations of tan sweaters for everyone with black skirts, pants, or shorts. Nawoo’s pants were crisp and his shoes shined. Mine did too.

When the red light came on, I froze. I legit froze. Why did I freeze? The director called cut and everyone asked what happened. Why I didn’t move. I didn’t know. I wasn’t ready. Anyways, we did a second take that wasn’t as bad. It was worse. It was obvious that I was so stiff! I had done warm ups! Vocally and physically.

I couldn’t afford to mess up today. My mind was going so fast and so much was happening. The lights were really hot. I wanted to cry. My eyes burned. Why was everything so hot? My clothes were also heavy. It was hard to breathe. My heart was going too fast.

“Iris?” I saw white hair and I hugged the body near me and started to cry.

I tried to push back the salty hot tears because they burned and I hated for people to see me crying. I hid my face in the person’s shoulder. My legs moved as they led my somewhere. I kept my face down.

“Noona?”

“She’ll be ok. Get Kyung!”

When we sat down, I hugged him again and I felt a hand on my back. He hugged me too. Heels clacked nearby. He motioned them away. His hair was soft. He told me it was gonna be ok. I don’t know how long it took for me to calm down. When I did, there was a tissue balled up in my hand. I blew my nose.

A caring dark tan hand wiped at my cheeks, “You ok now, Farai?”

I nodded, “Thanks, Hyojoon. I’m sorry for that.”

He smiled, “Don’t apologize for having a panic attack.”

There was a knock and Kyung entered and handed me a bottle of water, “You ok?”

“Yah. I didn’t mean to…” I got silent.

I rarely ever had panic attacks. Why did it have to be now? Well, better now than during the live, I guess.

“You can’t plan for these things, Farai. They just happen.” Kyung put his hand on top of mine. “When you’re ready, come out. Ok? We have rehearsals to finish.”

I took a deep breath and went through the beginning of the dance before going out. Ok. I had this. I could do this. As we returned to the stage, everyone asked about me. I told them to just act as if nothing happened. Tristan hugged me the tightest and had so many things he wanted to say but would keep them for a different time.

Five minutes later, we went through “짝사랑” without a hitch.

Then we did a cue to cue for the ending. When the spotlight came, everyone made eye contact and got a good look at each other. One of us would be standing there and bawling our eyes out in less than 12 hours.

Tonight’s show would have a live Q & A. Twenty questions for each contestant. No more than 5 minutes for each person to keep things on schedule. They could add clips in there and there if things ran short so that was better.

### Thursday, 6:58pm

As we got into position for the opening, Alice squeezed my hand, “If you need to go, then go, ok? I’ll fight tooth and nail for you to stay though.”

When she started that, I thought she meant leaving the stage. I realized she meant something differently by the English, though. If I had to go home for my mental health then I should do it, but she wouldn’t want me to.

“Leaving? No.” I replied.

“30 seconds!”

We had no intro, just the music. The beat came in and we did our thing. She did the rap part because she had joined as a rapper. They were trying to make her into a vocalist. I had been a bit afraid that I would freeze again before the music started, but Alice was there for me. Like really there for me. We bowed and then went backstage to change. The two of us lingered around the screens, though since we had time for that.

Imani was up first with getting asked questions after a package showed of her and I getting along with each other better than before. The judges asked why she had changed so much towards me in such a short time.

“I just had this idea in my head of who I wanted her to be. From the moment I saw her and James at the airport, I thought. Black like me, we gotta be close. We’ll be besties. We’ll have gone through the same experiences.” She paused. “I was wrong.”

“In what way?”

She explained, “I’m deep into black culture. I live and breathe hip hop, gospel, R & B, rap, all that stuff. I had expected her to be just like that in her own way, but she was Jason Mraz instead of Jason Derulo and showtunes when I thought she’d be showing out.”

Imani explained what “showing out” meant and then continued to say that she only focused on what made us different when she should’ve been glad and proud that our melanin was shared across a wide range of personalities.

“So now, she’s my unnie.”

I smiled at the screen all dressed up for the next part. She had matured so much in these last few months. Few weeks even.

“What stereotype do you completely live up to?” They asked her.

“Oh my god, dumb blonde or like clueless foreigner.”

She recounted about the day we went to the beach and I saved her from those guys by the bathroom. I was surprised she talked about it so openly. She admitted that she had begged me not to tell anyone.

Yujin-oppa asked, “Anything you wanna say to those boys?”

“Yeah, but I can’t say it on TV.” Imani laughed. “I’ll just say thanks instead. Thank you, Iris-unnie for looking out for me.”

A quick interview was done for me backstage. They basically asked why I didn’t say anything and for any info. I gave them as much as I could, but I honestly didn’t get a good look at their faces or clothes. It had been so long ago. So much stuff had happened since then.

Hallakgungi’s group went and sang their butts off! The dancing was great of course, but the vocals! The girls weren’t just given all the high parts either. There were some parts where they fell flat or didn’t go all out, but it was ok with me.

Everyone backstage clapped and we gave each other high fives once they joined us. Commercial break. Since there wasn’t much we were doing backstage, we just talked and watched the screens. I was the first one up after commercial though. They wanted me on stage two seconds ago.

I stood next to Dabit. A silent countdown and then he spoke, “Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen!”

“And everyone else too.” I added.

“Right…I’m here with the goddess herself, Iris for her turn to play 20 Questions with you at home and our judges. Bang PD-nim, you can go first, sir.”

They asked me 18 questions, and I answered as best I could using Korean. Sometimes I switched to English because I couldn’t give a decent answer in the Asian language. Question 19 was from the audience.

“I heard you were a theatre kid and was wondering what are some musicals you would suggest for someone wanting to get into it?”

“Thank you. What’s your name?”

“Eunha.” She said.

I nodded, “Thank you Eunha. I would have to say that if you wanna have an interesting conversation with someone about musicals, my top five would be Phantom of the Opera, Oklahoma, Hamilton for sure, Once on This Island, and…if you’re mature enough then RENT. If not, then Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812. It’s based off of War & Peace. All different genres and moods.”

She bowed, “Thank you! I’ll make sure to look them up!”

“You’re welcome!”

“Last question!” Dabit said. “As we started off, Bang PD-nim.”

He asked me how I was feeling.

I put the mic to my mouth, “I’m doing well. Thank you for asking.”

“I heard what happened earlier, so I just wanted to make sure.”

“Ah…yes. I’m ok now.”

Dabit spoke up, “For those who don’t know, there was an incident earlier during rehearsals. Is it ok if we show the footage?”

I nodded, “Yes, uh, but be warned, it’s very emotional and it was super scary for me to go through. I didn’t really know what had happened until it was over. It’s a panic attack.”

They showed me messing up. Not moving and then not being myself. It looked like I wanted to say something. I couldn’t remember what it was. Probably a warning that it was coming. Hyojoon pushed past the stage manager and came to me, gently brushed my hand as he called my name. I latched onto him. We went to a quiet room. I didn’t let go of him for a second.

I laughed as I rubbed my nose into his shoulder and close my eyes. It’s a moment, but soon enough we’re both taking deep breaths. He was so gentle and sturdy for me.

During the clip, Hallakgungi was brought out and sat next to me. He rubbed my arms but mostly kept his hands to himself.

“My friends have had attacks like that before. She was just acting extremely out of character, so everyone knew something was wrong. It wasn’t until she hugged me that I realized she needed somewhere safe.”

“I usually hug my pillow or my stuffed animal Leo when I’m going through an attack. He was the closet smallest thing to me and willing to help. Also his hair is really soft.” I tried to joke away the heat in my cheeks.

Soon enough, I left the stage and it’s Hyojoon’s turn. I said yes. It was my choice to show everyone what my panic attack looks like. Tristan refused to let me go. Imani handed me a bottle of water and offered me gummy worms. I loved gummy worms, so I took three as I sat on Tristan’s lap.

Then it was time to dance. They showed our package of us learning the dance after the struggle of finding one that fit. My words were said about how unchallenging the dances girl groups are given were. Several people on the other team said what I had. Lyssa and Ares.

“Girl group dances are easy!” Ares said. “Why couldn’t I have gotten that?”

“A lot of them are less than inspiring. Upper body because heels, but there are so many things we can do in heels. Maybe not for a long time, but still. Give girls more to do, kpop industry! Full body and not just twerking!” She pointed at the camera. “I’m talking to you Hello Venus!” and laughed. “Wiggle Wiggle.”

We tried not to crack up on stage. The music started and we gave the most idol performance we had done so far on this show. It felt like from here on out we were gonna be given more actual challenges to perform. I was pretty winded by the end of it, and in a kneeling position. Ten seconds later, we stood. Then commercial break.

When they came back, everyone was on stage. The bottom three were announced. Loki, Aphrodite, and Lyssa. Nawoo, Imani, and Alice. How did Alice and Imani get there? It wasn’t the best week for Nawoo last time, so I wasn’t shocked with that. Surely out of me and Imani, my name would be in the bottom because of the mishap.

Lyssa was safe. She hugged me while we looked at the screen.

“Going home tonight is the one with the lowest number of votes. Loki, you were the trickster who was fooled last week when forgetting the lyrics. Aphrodite, your love was shared through the screen through a performance the audience felt like was trying too hard but the judges loved.”

A long pause.

Dabit continued, “Going home tonight is…Aphrodite. I’m sorry, but it’s time to sing your swan song.”

I gasped and covered my mouth. She broke. It’s like I could see her crystal cover shattering, and she wanted to cry. Nawoo hugged her and didn’t let go. Said something and she nodded.

We had to wait to go on stage, but we were all ready to comfort her as she began to sing and tears ran down her face. When we were allowed on, James was the first to get to her and rubbed Imani’s back. She hugged him around the waist and leaned against him. I held her hand and mouthed with her as James now stood behind her. The others smiled and supported her in their small ways.

Show was over. The red light went off.

Imani sobbed.


	10. Week 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My first time singing a Korean solo as my friendship with Hyojoon and the others grow closer.

### Friday, 12:22am

We didn’t have any time to lose after we found out the theme for this week. We had to sing a ballad and dance a hip-hop routine with a group or partners. I chose Gina and Sooja. Tristan got the top spot for the week, so he chose me and Alice to stay with him in the Special Room.

We went to our goodbye dinner with Imani and then went to the dance studio to decide what we wanted to do. It was a quick decision for us because of our mutual love for one Lalisa Manoban. We were gonna do her “Swalla” dance, the first version. I remembered watching a cover where they switched the leads, so it would help us alter it with smooth transitions. Judge was there with another choreographer to see if we needed any help.

I didn’t know if I’d need anything right now but maybe later. We watched the video and copied it mirrored. It wasn’t too long, so it just needed some confidence to hump the floor like that. Otherwise, it was just fun. We had gotten it done cleanly before the night was up and took a break to decide on what we’d wear.

“I think we should wear Lisa’s outfit but in our own colors.” Sooja said. “Like the tassels and stuff but we’re still unique. Black shorts and boots.”

“I like that!” Gina said.

They looked at me, “What about you, Iris?”

“I’m nervous about the whole crop top thing. Like I know I’m supposed to be the it girl for body positivity, and I’m not about to tell anyone else who is my size not to wear a crop top. Just personally, I’m unsure.”

The two of them smiled and Gina spoke, “Then we’ll come back to that. We’ve got a few days to make final decisions.”

I nodded, “The tassels sound good, though. Also keeps us uniform. Kinda like sexy Orange Caramel.”

We all giggled and then were called in so that we could work on the closing number for next week which would be “The Truth Untold” by BTS’s vocal line. There was a rap added into it for style reasons. There were no more female rappers unless Sooja wanted to switch genres real quick but also Alice was lowkey banned from doing rap. I sighed. That sucked. I was sure she would make it elsewhere, though.

Friday, 4am  
We were all tired and sweaty as we arrived back home, but Yujin-oppa was there to introduce us to the Special Room. Alice, Tristan, and I went to the elevator which led directly into the Red Room which was opened with a special key. I couldn’t help but gasp and fling myself on the bed.

“Dibs!” I called out knowing it’d probably be for Tristan.

I looked around once I sat on the bed. The room was a mint color with huge stuffed animals all over the room. There was a fireplace close to the bed which was currently lit. It was nice since the house was pretty drafty in its current location. We realized that the first night there and were able to get some extra blankets when the nights were super cold.

However, I did enjoy the cold because I was a winter baby.

There were gold accents everywhere even on the shelf and the separator for the main room and the small reading area. A peach color framed a huge mirror that sat between two windows. Tristan sat in the comfy chair facing the fire and said he was going to make this week last. There was a coat hanger and a desk with a chair for us to work at.

“Where are the other beds?” I asked.

“You’re sharing.” Yujin-oppa replied.

We looked at each other. Well, this was a fanfic waiting to happen. However, we were just friends and we didn’t want to date band mates or competitors. This wasn’t Big Brother: Korea, but the gigantic flatscreen above the fire seemed to say differently. At the end of the bed was a place to sit with two marble and gold tables sporting flowers on them. It was such a beautiful room.

Alice asked what the room behind the double doors was.

“Good things come to those who wait.” Yujin said. “Let me explain. So there are cameras in here of course. On Tuesday, there will be a 24 hour live stream starting at midnight. So please wear clothes at least on that day because we can’t edit that out.” He chuckled.

The purple haired man then moved to open a door and said, “This is the bathroom stylized in black and white. There are candles and speakers in the bathroom for maximum enjoyment. Tristan, you’re tall, so watch your head for the light fixture here.”

The toilet was separated from the actual bath tub which was made out of a glitter infused type of plastic or something. It was a regular white tub but it looked better than any I had ever seen. There were two candle holders and we were encouraged to buy whatever scents we wanted for the week.

Then we were told to enter the double doors first. We gasped. It was a walk in closet. With leopard printed walls. It looked so cool! There were shoes and outfits already inside. We were allowed to pick enough clothing to make one full outfit to take with us when we were done. We looked around at all the clothing and there was stuff in my actual size which made me happy.

“I’m going to pick something casual, but omg the shoes are on glass!” I stared and picked up a pair of heels. “I don’t think I could do casual.”

The Gucci symbol was on the sole of the shoes. I nearly dropped them but showed Alice and Tristan.

“Gucci?”

Yujin nodded, “All luxury brands with things from all our sponsors. Puma mostly, y’know. So take your time, look around. Have a good night you guys.”

Tristan got into the shower first, and Alice and I decided we would sleep on the stuffed animals until our young member began to whine when we told him a plan once we showered.

“Pleaseeeee? It’s nothing sexual. It’s nothing romantic. I just want to be with my friends and a bed is better than those stuffed animals.” He held our hands. We sighed and decided to snuggle with him.

“You’re lucky you’re so adorable.” Alice said.

Tristan giggled, “If there was one more of you, it’d be like I was back home cuddling my little sisters to sleep.”

He yawned and quickly fell asleep.

### Friday, 11:45am | Tristan POV

I was surprised when I woke up holding a cute girl in each arm. Was this a dream? I often had dreams of being an idol and living the wild idol life. Yeah, they seem cleancut and pure on the surface, but scandals rarely came out of thin air. I’ve heard from my friend who has a friend who is a formal idol that he often slept with multiple people every day.

Then I blinked and realized it was Noona and Alice-noona. They were cuddled against me, and I felt like a big brother again. I woke them up and then we got ready for the day. We were low on time, so we just put some face masks on. Iris got Koya of course while Alice had Cooky, and I had RJ. They both looked so adorable!

Then the three of us went downstairs for lunch. It was my favorite spicy ramen ever. Noona couldn’t do spicy stuff, so she ate regular cheesy ramen. I snuck some of mine into her bowl when she went to get something to drink and she looked around asking who did it after downing the drink she just got to make the spice go away. No one said a thing.

It was a good way to lift the moods of everyone. Everyone was sad and upset because of our performances as well as losing a friend to a small amount of votes. Imani wasn’t a friend persay because she was mean to Noona. However, they were able to make up after last week’s mishap. Right, I had seen Iris’s boob. It had been cut from the live broadcast due to the 5 second delay.

Just that part.

She moved quickly to get it fixed and covered with a jacket. Still, this current week or um, yesterday. Yesterday felt like our worst performance because it was out of our comfort zone. Like really, that was the theme. This week would be pretty easy. I wasn’t the best dancer, but we were doing this in teams. I wouldn’t be alone.

It was clear they were trying to make us closer with one another. The Special room let them see who we were closest with. The groups tested our team work. Here I thought it’d be a bit easier than it actually was.

### Friday, 12:40pm

Afterwards, we went toooo, what’s it called. Practice. We went to practice and worked on our hip hop routines with one of the best choreographers

We were told that we didn’t have to sing for our hip hop routines which was good news because we hadn’t been trained in doing both. It was probably poof last week that we didn’t have stable enough vocals for that. The groups that had formed were Dongmin and Jun; Alice and James; Noona with Gina and Sooja, and then me with Nawoo and Hyojoon. 

During practice, I worked on my dance with the boys. Nawoo had been born female, but he didn’t agree with that and became a boy. I never felt like I was anything but a boy when I was growing up, so I asked a lot of questions. He snapped at me for being so invasive with that fiery tongue of his.

“I’m sorry. I just really want to get to know you.” I replied.

He pinched my cheeks, “Stop being so cute! It’s hard to be mad at you.”

“Am shorry?”

Nawoo sighed, “It’s ok. Usually, when people start asking me a ton of questions, I start getting defensive because they don’t tend to be as kind as you all are.”

Hyojoon said, “We should practice more anyways.”

The three of us were doing some Kyle Hanagami choreo. He was one of Iris’s favorites as well as Hyojoon and Gina, so I trusted them. He was also well known in the world of kpop, so there had to be someone doing his stuff. It was do a hip hop remix of “Sucker” by the Jones Brothers. Nope, not Jones. Johns. JONAS. Apparently, a lot of the English speakers in the house had grown up with them. They even got to do a concert with Wonder Girls a while ago.

As the three of us practiced the floor moves, Sugawara came in and clapped her hands.

“Alright, most of you can go home for the day, but before you do, I’m going to announce who gets this week’s solo opening number.”

We all cheered.

“This person gets to choose the clothing style and the song they get to perform and will perform the whole song to open the show before the judges are introduced.” She looked at us. “So, are you excited to find out who it is?”

“YEAH!!!!” We replied. 

She called for a drumroll and, it was me. I was getting a solo stage. Me! I couldn’t believe it. I bowed and thanked our dance judge for the opportunity.

I decided to look up and listen to a k hip hop playlist and did my best to focus on solo artists so that I could practice by myself more especially with the Hip hop routine and whatever ballad I wanted to sing. There was a certain fashion style that I wanted to do my performance in. Noona had talked about it before when discussing one of the plays that her school did. I forgot the name of it. Gear funk or mecha fun? Sheen something? Wait, what was this song. I raised the phone to my face and it said “Fiance” by Mino.

So I looked up the choreo, and I liked it. I liked it a lot.

With that, I began looking at a lyric video. Work was never ending.

### Friday, 7:22pm

Eomma was calling. When I picked up, was actually my three little sisters.Two 16 year old twins and 13 year old Jisoo who was basically like their triplet. They asked how I was doing as I stood in the gym talking to them. It was good to hear their voices again.

Soojin asked, “Youngsoo oppa!”

“Yea?”

“Mom thinks you’re gonna marry that fat black girl.”

“She even wants to make her hanbok for her and wants to know her sizes.” Sooyun added.

Jisoo’s innocent voice came through, “You’re gonna get married, oppa?”

“Nooooo, I’m not getting married to Iris noona. We’re just friends.” I laughed. “How is mom doing?”

Sooyun said, “She misses you and makes sure to watch you every week. She’s been telling her friends to vote for you.”

“She also wants us to tell our friends and teachers at school to vote for you too.” Soojin said. “I said it twice already and it’s embarrassing. Tell her to stop.”

“Yeah, tell her to stop.” Jiso said. “The kids at school ask about you a lot too.”

I laughed, “Oh really? What do they say?”

“That you’re cute and funny.” She replied.

Soojin grabbed the phone, “If you don’t marry Iris, I’m sure anyone in the neighborhood would happy be your bride instead.”

Mom grabbed the phone and told them to get to their homework, “Are you eating enough? You seem too skinny on TV.”

“I’m ok, mom. Dad’s at work?”

“Yeah. He told me to tell you that he’s proud of you but he wants you home. I think the girls are a bit much for him to handle.” She laughed. “He misses his son, Youngsoo.”

I smiled, “I miss you guys too.”

Someone called my name and it was my manager. We had schedule. I nodded.

“I’ve gotta go, mom.”

“Honey, why do you use Tristan instead of the name we gave you?”

I smiled, “It’s to reach an international audience. Also, I think it fits me more. I love the name you gave me, mom, but I need to choose what I wanna be.”

“Ok, well, stay safe and be careful. I want you to win, but I want you to be happy and healthy more.”

That made me choke up for a second, “I am very happy and healthy. I have to go now. I love you mom. Tell the girls and dad I love them, too. And-and the cats.”

“I will. I love you too.”

We hung up and I sighed. I missed them so much! I missed the cats too, my precious babies. Wiping the few tears that came and collecting myself, I went back up and saw Iris practicing in the mint colored room. She was singing in Korean.

“You sound great, Noona! I thought you were doing and English song, though.”

She shook her head, “No. I’ve gotta do Korean this time. It’s a ballad, so it’ll be easier to learn. Also, I love Hwarang which is what this song is from.”

I couldn’t help but smile at her, “You’re so talented. Where is Alice-noona?”

“In the studio getting help with her ballad.” She replied.

I nodded, “Oh. I wanted to ask you. What was that thing called? You said that your school play was based on it. There were lots of gear and gloves and stuff.”

“Steampunk.” Farai responded. “Do you need me to write it down for you?”

“No, no. I think I got it.” I typed it into my phone. “I looked it up once but I’ve searched so much stuff up since then. I’m gonna make it my solo stage theme.”

She gave me her usual bright smile, “Oh, that’s so cool!”

My manager knocked on the door, and I grabbed my bag from the green chair. I gave Iris a quick kiss on the hand before leaving to begin my solo dance practice. They approved my song, so we had to start working on it right away. I hadn’t even chosen my balled yet. I texted James to see if he had any ideas on English songs I could perform since I had bothered Iris enough. He didn’t respond while I was en route, so I’d have to check later.

### Friday, 7:30pm | Iris POV

I was ready to throw a tantrum. Why was this so hard? I went over the song again and decided it just wasn’t time for me to learn it right now. So I went to practice the dance instead of just getting more frustrated. I caught myself in the mirror and stopped mid step sequence. This was my body. Smaller than before. Alice was right. I smiled and lifted my shirt to see my midsection. Fuck it, I was going to wear a crop top for our group dance.

There had been things I needed to conquer from my upbringing. About three years ago, it was not wearing a skirt over my bathing suit. I had been forced to wear it when I was a growing girl and it made me feel ashamed of my body. My mom made me put it on because of how guys might look at me and yet I was the one being punished for being a woman.

I had to wear tanks under my crop tops in high school. Mostly cuz I was going to school, but still I was taught that my body was made to be hidden despite my want to show it as is. Nothing sexy or revealing. Just existing.

So I sighed. I’d try something new and see how that went.

“What you staring so hard for?” Jun asked.

“Nothing. Just learning about myself.” I replied. “I’m gonna try to work on music again and take a shower. If anyone asks, I’m in the red room.”

“Aight!” She responded.

After a quick shower, I was dressed in a dramatic bathrobe that me and Jun got from Maekjewels while practicing “신의 한 수” by Kim Juna. The Google Translation was “A Number of Gods” but was called “A Move of Gods” or “Divine Intervention” which worked either way. I’d be wearing a gold dress this time. Shorter than what was planned for the closing song.

I sang along to the music and was able to get an instrumental Suga had made a while ago on piano from the production staff. I didn’t really care who it was from, but I was glad to have it to practice with. There was a knock on my door.

“Ah, Halla-oppa, nice to see you. What do you need?” I asked.

He looked at my outfit, “Ummm, why?”

I stuck a pose, “For the drama!” I giggled.

Hyojoon laughed as well, “I got this for you.” He held out a bouquet of flowers with a pink bow on it. “You like flowers, right?”

“Yeah, I’ve never gotten one from a boy before. I’m usually giving flowers.” I looked at him. “Theatre friends.”

“Right. Right. Well, they’re called gladiolus. It’s to signify strength to help the holder get through something difficult.” He grinned. “I was thinking you could use it, just a bit of extra strength. Aslo, I was wondering, did you wanna go out and get dinner later tomorrow? I mean, if you’re free.” He asked.

I nodded, “Sure. We can go grab something good. What did you have in mind?”

“Something traditional? Maybe we eat with the others and just go to a cafe.”

“Traditional. I’ll wear a skirt.” I smiled. “Leave around 7?”

He nodded, “I’ll see you then.”

Called after him, “This isn’t a date!”

“Wouldn’t dream of it!” He replied.

### Saturday, 7:10pm

The restaurant we went to was vegetarian, so I was able to eat everything there. An Indian place. We ordered curry (unspicy for me) and got to talking.

“I wanted to thank you again for the flowers and for putting so much meaning in them. Why’d you think of giving them to me though?” I asked.

“Because you needed a bit of support. I’m really into plants and nature. If I wasn’t a dancer, I’d be a botanist.” He laughed. “Flowers and plants are usually my first idea for a good gift to give someone. It’s not weird, is it?”

I shook my head, “No, no! Not at all. It’s really thoughtful. What got you into plants in the first place?”

He tapped his chin, “I’m not sure. I’ve just always liked planting things. Ah, maybe it was the garden project we did in elementary school. I ended up filling the bathtub with dirt to make one at home. I was in dance classes soon after. I needed a ‘less destructive outlet’ for my creativity.”

We laughed. He had such a cute laugh, like it was very adorable. I got to know more about him as a person. I was reminded that he had an older sister as well as a younger brother.

“Is that why you blush everytime one of us calls you oppa, because you never really get to be called that?”

He blushed and smiled and looked down at the table, “Maybe.” Then he looked up at me. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I really think a rainbow rose is the perfect symbol for you.”

“Why would I take that the wrong way? Is there some meaning that I’m not aware of behind roses?”

“You know meanings?”

I shrugged, “A few here and there. I’ve been a writer for a while and dabbled. Roses and carnations mostly.”

“Oh, that’s so cool! What–”

“Um, excuse me, are you two from Deify?” One of the serving ladies asked.

We said that we indeed were. She asked if we could sign the wall before leaving, and we said that we would sign if our managers said it was ok. We did take a picture with her and a few staff members before sitting down to eat our still warm meal. It was so good! I loved the texture of the rice the best. Our managers said it would be ok to give our signatures on the wall.

We posed next to them and then went to find a cafe. Instead of sitting down, I suggested we get a few coffees and then take a walk around. Hyojoon agreed and then the two of us walked around while talking more about plants and our love of nature. I recounted times of my childhood being homeschooled and visiting the beach almost every single day.

It was about time for curfew when we stopped near the Han River. We looked out at the lights and then he turned to me and smiled.

“I guess I should tell them where we are for pick up.”

I nodded, “Yeah. We should be headed home soon.”

Hyojoon held my hand and kissed it, “I had a great time with you, Farai. I’m glad I got to know more about you.”

“Same here. I was honestly a bit scared of you.” I laughed. “The hip hop front you put up is so strong and it seems like you’re all tough and rough and edgy even during your daily life. I’m glad to know the real you is a huge plant nerd.”

The two of us giggled.

I blushed and covered his cheek, “Yeah. I should be more of myself but there aren’t many times to just relax and be, right?”

“I disagree. We do work a lot, but take time to do things that Hyojoon enjoy or you might never see him again and be stuck with Hallakgungi.” I poked his arm. “I don’t know about you, but being a god 24/7 sounds pretty draining.”

He grinned, “You’re right…but I can’t let my guard down.”

“You do you, but let it down every once in a while.”

We kept walking around the park until it was time to go.

Sunday, 7am  
I checked my schedule.

9am- Recording Closing

12pm- Lunch

1pm- Solo Choreo

3pm- Group Choreo

6pm- Costuming

9pm- Dinner

10pm- Curfew

Tristan nuzzled my arm that was trapped under him. Sometime during the night, I became the biggest spoon, and Alice was the smallest, “Noona, will you help me practice once we’re all home? I’m staying past Curfew at the studio to work on it.”

I nodded, “Sure. I’ll do it. I’m always here to help you, my lovely dongsaeng.”

He gave me a huge grin and then we got called to eat.

Breakfast was American style with waffles, eggs, bacon, and the like. I was given a plate that was half full of hashbrowns and sat next to Tristan. It was a quiet morning because everyone was too busy eating. When someone left, it was to work and start their schedule.

I realized I was still in my pajamas when I got a text that said Kyung was 10 minutes away. I rushed to get to the kitchen to put my plate and cup away when Hyojoon called my name.

“I got you. Go get changed.”

“Thanks, Oppa!” I gave him my stuff and quickly went up the stairs.

I felt the window and it was kind of chilly. Sweater dress and leggings it was. I threw my yellow soft sweater over a white tank top and some blue galaxy leggings. White tennis shoes and then I was out the door after throwing my black cherry patterned backpack onto my shoulders.

“…꿈 닿을 때까지/어둠이 날 감싸도/너만은 절대로/놓치지 않을 거야/You’re my everything.” The music finished out as Suga played it behind me.

I turned to look at him while putting the headset around my neck, “Any notes for me?”

“Your pronunciation has gotten better, Iris.” the tiny judge and idol said, then again his muscles weren’t that tiny.

“Ah, thank you. It’s easier when it’s slower. Gives me time to think.” I tapped my head.

He shook his head, “I saw the footage of you getting frustrated with the lyrics and then you come back from a date with Hallakgungi and–”

“Suga, please don’t. I’m not…I don’t have any romantic feelings for any of the guys in the house.”

“What about the girls?”

I bit my lip and looked away, “Maybe, but she’s a tease. Nothing is going to come out of it. Anyways, is that all?”

He chuckled, “You’re so cute. I think you’ll be fine with a bit more practice. Check your pacing and remember to breathe. Other than that, this might be your week to be at the top.”

I couldn’t help but gasp, “Thank you!” I bowed. “I hope that I can live up to your expectations.”

“You will.” He took a drink of water. “Let’s run it twice more, and then we can get out of here.”

We went through the song two and a half times more since I started coughing halfway through one of the go throughs. Suga couldn’t scold a fly, but he reminded me to drink more water and to keep my throat lubricated. I promised him that I’d do better and we started again. This time it was pretty much flawless.

### Sunday, 3:33pm

I was then given a few directions on how to perform during my solo choreo session. I put so much into myself for this practice that we got it done. Like it had been completely choreographed and ready for the stage after some fine tuning to be done at a later date.

I waited to meet up with my girls, and we had Sugawara look over what we were able to do by ourselves. She was glad to see how much we had gotten done by ourselves and helped us have tighter and more fluid movements. Then we worked with all the others who came in soon after for “Truth Untold”.

We’d be put on the moving stage for this and not moving for a lot of it. Other times we’d be moving to the next stage pillar. The next practice would be done on the stage since it was hard to do just on a flat floor. Sirab made a note to shorten the dresses.

“Oh, Iris” Gina said. “Have you decided about the shirt?”

“Right,” Sooja added. “I noticed you’re wearing a crop today.”

“I think I can pull it off especially if you two are doing it. Not like you’re pressuring me or anything, just mutual support.” I replied.

They hugged me and hopped up and down, “We’re so happy!”

“You can change your mind at any time.” Gina assured me.

I nodded and then we walked in. We had our outfits on and were asked if there was anything we wanted to change. I looked at myself in the mirror and asked my heart of hearts if this was something I wanted to do. The answer was yes.

“It’s good. Have a backup just in case.” Just in case history repeated itself.

Sirab nodded and wrote that down. The three of us felt ready for next week, but it was still days away. We practiced once more before grabbing dinner. Then I headed off to the studio where Tristan was, and was even able to learn some of the moves from Jiah. She was one of the girls I had worked with during “No” with Alice.

Then Tristan and I went home and practiced our solo stuff with our roommate for the week, Alice. The three of this did this for a while before we couldn’t stop yawning.

### Tuesday, 5pm

I wiped the sweat off my face as we went hardcore with dancing today. Yeah, it was a ballad, but you break a sweat while standing on moving platforms while wearing a long skirt. We had to run the closing song again, though. Yujin made an appearance and gave us vocal notes. He went one by one with Suga right behind him. We hadn’t seen them but they were in the audience the whole time.

The ten of us were instantly nervous. Singing a BTS song in front of Min Yoongi himself.

“Iris-ssi,” Yujin said.

“Yes?”

He smiled at me, “Your pronunciation really has improved, but you can’t just change lyrics. It’s ‘Light on me’ not ‘Lie to me’ also 내겐 불러줄 이름이 없어 not 아 or 오”

I closed my eyes to mentally beat myself up and nodded, “I know. I am sorry. I will fix it, sir.”

Yujin began to say something. Right. He didn’t like being referred to formally. Then he closed his mouth and sighed.

“Just don’t let it happen again. Now, Gina…”

I smiled and thought to myself, _Thanks, Imani._

### Tuesday, 8:21pm

Today we had group practices to work on our solos, and I was with Dongmin and Sooja. There was something I needed to tell her. She was singing “She’s in the Rain” by The Rose when Woosung himself came in and she screamed.

I covered my mouth as well to keep myself from shrieking and hopped up and down. Dongmin was just shocked and let his mouth hang open.

“Hello. Nice to meet you.” He bowed.

“Nice to meet you too.” We bowed in return, lower than him.

Sooja began to fan herself and we laughed.

Woosung spoke, “So, I’m here to mentor you guys today. I honestly wasn’t expecting to walk in while you were singing one of my songs.”

“Wow…I’m sorry. I forgot what words are.” she said.

Dongmin spoke, “You’re really handsome.”

I just smiled, unsure if I should say anything. So we went in turn and he gave us notes. For Sooja, it was basically not to be so soft and to give more power to the lyrics and to the song.

“If there are any slight lyric changes, you’re free to do so.”

She shook her head, “I could never! They’re perfect!”

He laughed, “I wouldn’t say perfect, but–”

“No, you don’t understand. They’re perfect.”

Sammy blushed, “Thanks, Yuhwa.”

She nodded and then sat to let Dongmin do his rendition of “Our Last Day” by Noel. I was surprised when his voice came out. He was a rapper. His stage name was ROY aka Rapper of Youth when he wasn’t eating on streams. But his vocals. They were just…wow. Powerful.

We all applauded when he was done and listened to what Sammy had to say.

“So, you were great but I do have one note. Just listen to the music, bro. You were too deep into the emotion, way too deep especially for a 16 year old should be. You feel me?” When Dongmin nodded, Woosung continued, “Good. It’s not bad that you’ve got that emotion, but the song was written that way for a reason. If you wanna rearrange it, make sure you and the musician are on the same page.”

“I will. Thank you very much.” The young boy bowed.

Woosung pat his arm and then called me up. I sang what I had practiced for the last couple of days…it had only been five days. It was Tuesday. Wow. I didn’t even realize it until two seconds before the piano started.

“흔들리는 별빛 속 품었던/작은 꿈들/겁이 없이 찾아 나섰던/그 길이 버거울 때/네가 있었어 마치 꿈처럼…” I was nervous for a bit and then when I had a chance to breathe, let it all go. I knew this song better than most English songs on the radio.

It was just me and the song and pronouncing words correctly, “…You’re everything to me~” until I came back to Earth.

My eyes focused on Sammy who was covering his mouth, “Please tell me it’s just you and a microphone in the middle of the stage during this.”

“I actually move quite a bit, but it might change since my dress is changing to something heavier. Why?”

“Your stage presence. I saw a journey when you sang. Like, woah. Between you and me were you thinking of anyone?”

I laughed and told the truth, “No. Not anyone in particular.”

He nodded his head and then looked at his paper, “I couldn’t write too much since I was just enamored by your voice, but um. I did scribble down ‘eye contact’ I do that too. Feel the song and listen. You’ve gotta make a connection though. Even all the attention in the world won’t matter if there’s no connection. Other than that, beautiful.”

“Thank you,” I gave a small bow.

“Did you guys learn anything from each other?” He asked.

Ares raised his hand, “Yeah, I need to relax and work on paying attention to feeling the words from Iris and that the power behind words is important from Yuhwa.”

“I think Ares’s way of movement is a lot more endearing.” Sooja said.

“And I believe that I need to be confident from the beginning like Yuhwa was and study Ares for that connection you were talking about.” I replied.

He nodded, “Sounds great. It was nice to meet you. I’ll see you all at the show.”

We bowed to each other as we said goodbye. We all got super hype and then practiced once more and then went home. As soon as we stepped in the door, I told Sooja I wanted to talk to her.

“About our dance or…”

I took her to the bathroom where there were no cameras, “What were your feelings towards Matthew?”

“He was my best guy friend. I thought he was super cool. I still miss him a lot.”

“Nothing romantic?”

“Maybe like a small crush, but nothing was gonna happen with it. Even now. I don’t think I’d wanna date him. Why?”

I told her, “We kissed.”

She stared at me from behind her glasses, “What?”

### Wednesday, 11:45pm | 4 Weeks ago

_///////_

_It was the day before he had been kicked off, a Wednesday night. The three of us had been playing some Smash Bros. I lost like I usually did._

_Sooja yawned, “I’m gonna turn in. You guys should do it soon, too.”_

_“Yeah, we will probably play until we’re tired. Sleep well!” Matthew said._

_“Sleep well, Sooja.”_

_She left and the two of us were just talking. We vibed well. It was late, so we got deep real quick. I told him about my lack of romantic relationships. He said it was the same for him._

_“No first kiss or anything?” He asked._

_“Correct.”_

_He then bit his lip, “How about we become each other's’ first kiss.”_

_“If we’re gonna be working–”_

_“You saw my stats. I’m not doing so hot.” He pulled his ear, “To be honest, I have a tiny crush on you…your attitude. It doesn’t have to mean anything. I’d just like my first kiss to be with someone I’m into, a friend.”_

_I did the anime embarrassed finger poke thing, “Well, I mean. You’re cool and stuff. I’d honestly just want to get it over with. It might blow off some steam too. Heck, it’ll be good footage for the show or whatever. Let’s do it.”_

_We turned to each other and it was so awkward. He said I could back out any time I wanted to, and I said the same applied to him. I brushed his bangs out of his face and cupped his cheek making sure he still wanted to do this. He nodded and we kissed._

_It was just a peck on the lips. No sparks._

_“Here I thought there would be fireworks.” He sighed. “At least we did it, huh?”_

_“Yep. My first kiss was with a huge nerd.” I teased._

_He shoved me, “Who you callin’ a nerd? Geekette.”_

_I laughed, “My cheeks are hot.”_

_“I feel my ears burning.” Matt chuckled. “Thanks, Farai. I think I’ll head to bed.”_

_“Ok. I should rest too. It’s a big day tomorrow.”_

_//////_

### Tuesday, 8:30pm

“Sooja?” I asked.

“I’m a bit jealous. I don’t like that I’m jealous.” She said matter a factly. “I’m glad you were honest and told me. Why’d you wait for so long?”

“To be honest, I kept forgetting and we’re not around each other too often.” I replied. “Uh…”

Sooja smiled and laughed, “I’m not even into him! Why am I feeling like this?”

“Maybe it’s like you feel I’m a girl that might steal your best friend away from you?” I suggested because that’s how I would feel if it were the other way around.

“That’s it.”

I replied, “Nothing is ever gonna happen between us. I can assure you that we both feel the same way about him. Guy friend.”

Then we went our separate ways. I nearly ran into Tristan on my way back to our room. I wanted to pick out my special outfit today.

“Noona, I’m about to go to costuming for my opening. Do you wanna help me and maybe chose some stuff for the girls?” He asked me, a shy expression on his face.

I told him, “I can’t, sorry. I wanna pick out the outfit I wanna keep before the week is over and I have something after dinner. Maybe another time.”

“Oh, ok. Have fun, Noona.” and off he went.

### Tuesday, 10pm

My after dinner plans were to shower and relaxed in the hot tub. It was so good for sore muscles.

Gina and Sooja came out and asked if I wanted to do a bathing suit dance cover of Swalla. I said yes of course. We made the outside a bit lighter and used Gina’s phone to record our routine. We chilled in the warm bubbling water and I asked Sooja how she was feeling.

“Better. Emotions are weird, fam.”

“Emotions about what?” Gina asked.

I looked that the nerd girl and she said I could explain with a wave of her hand. I told her about me and Matt being each other’s first kiss just for the heck of it. She laughed and said that sounded like such a Matt thing to say. We started talking about him and saying the memories we had with him.

Sooja then said, “Gina, send the footage to our manager and see if he can put it up on our social media or something and caption it To: Matt or something. I wanna see what’ll happen.”

“Nothing, probably.” I said. “As if they’d show us in our bathing suits doing a routine no one’s supposed to know about yet.”

“Then afterwards they can upload it. They have my permission.”

“Mine too.” I replied.

Gina added, “I literally could not care what they thought about my body in a bikini. Still, I think Iris has a point. We can at least try.”

The Latina turned around and dried her hands before typing on her phone, sending the footage to her manager. We then talked about how excited we were for Thursday and how everything seemed like it was going so much faster than usual. We learned our routine in one night, our songs in two days, and most of our choreo was completely done. It had only been 3 to fourish days.

We all dried off and changed into oversized shirts and shorts to continue talking in the red room until sleep claimed our tired bodies. Gina woke me up after looking at the time. Then I noticed Sooja on my shoulder. I was glad we were still on good terms.

### Wednesday, 12:15pm

It was Wednesday morning. Actually, the afternoon. Lunch time by the smell of it.

“Why didn’t y’all wake us up?” The beanie wearing princess asked.

Nawoo replied, “Managers said not to since you guys are all ready prepared for the live show it seems. You got your group dance done, your solos complete, and you don’t need any extra work on the finale.”

“However, Iris-noona.” Dongmin said as he came in from the gym and was diving into the sub sandwich made just for him. “Tristan said he wants you to come to his practice to come cheer him on. It starts at 2 I think.”

“Ok, yeah. And Dongmin-ah? I know I call Tristan my lovely dongsaeng all the time and that we’re super close, but if you ever need me, let me know, ok? You’re also my dongsaeng, and it’s my job to take care of you.”

He grinned at me, making his eyes almost invisible, “Thanks, noona. I’ve wanted to spend some time with you before but wasn’t sure you’d want to. Let’s go to the arcade soon, ok?”

I nodded, “Sure. Sounds like a plan!” I tousled his hair and he smiled at me.

### Wednesday, 2:34pm

It was cute seeing how shy Tristan was about touching the one girl he had to stay with for a while before doing the “cobra” part. He seemed hesitant to touch her on the hip even though Jiha–the girl for that part–was expecting it.

“Ok, let’s do it from the top of this section and pretend like that girl is your noona.” She referenced to me.

Everyone giggled, and Tristan licked his lips as he looked down.

“Will do.”

So the six girls began dancing with him and popping their legs, swinging their hips, and then he got to her. He put his hands behind her back and didn’t even touch her. Everyone burst out laughing at the whole thing. The music stopped and even the choreographer had to take a moment to catch her breath.

“Tri–pfft–Haemosu. Come on, now. Jiha, Iris, say something to him.”

I looked at Jiha who spoke first, “It’s ok to be sexy with me. Just put your hands on my hips and sway for like three seconds. It’s not a big deal.”

Then he looked at me, “She said it’s ok. She’s a dancer who is getting paid to do this. Just go for it.”

“Promise you won’t get jealous?” He smirked.

“Why would I be jealous?” I couldn’t help but chuckle.

Tristan flipped his medium length hair, “Because I’m so attractive.”

I looked at him, “Uh-huh. Do your dance, Mr. Attractive.”

So this time he did it right, intimately. I could see goosebumps on Jiha arm and smirked. I couldn’t believe how much fuck boy energy was coming off of him. We broke for dinner and then Lucretia called him in for his final fitting.

“Yeah. On my way.” He said and hung up. “You can head home if you want. I’m sure you’re tired and stuff.”

“Nah. I’m good. Got to sleep in this morning. Anyways, I wanna see the outfit.”

Tristan nodded, “Ok. And I’m really glad you had your first kiss, Noona. I wish it had been more special for you, though.” I had told him about Matthew because I didn’t want him to hear from anyone else.

I smiled, “I smooched a competitor while on a competition show in Korea to become and idol. I don’t know how it could’ve been more special. Romantic, yea. But I have the rest of my life for romantic kisses.”

“I hope someone gives you the most romantic kiss ever very soon.” He smiled at me.

### Wednesday, 4:42pm

Tristan came out in one of the most amazing steampunk outfits I had ever seen.

It looked so heavy and hot, but jeez! Did I love a man in a suit? Yes? Was I fangirling and hyping up my dude like no tomorrow? Hells yea.

“Oh my god! Haemosu! You look amazing! Lecretia, you’re a fabric goddess!” I stood and looked it over.

She blushed and asked, “How does it feel?”

“A bit heavy to be honest, and I think I might get heatstroke under the lights. It look so good, though. I don’t wanna change anything–”

“But we will.” Lucretia interrupted. “We can’t have you in any danger on stage. What do you want taken away or off?”

He began saying that he didn’t want the glasses on his face since he had goggles on the hat, and the some things on the coat could be removed, but he wanted to keep the arm. Basically, he wanted a simplified version. The other dancers came in and were put into their outfits as well. The guys were put into vests with no coats. The girls were in pairs of two since there were six of them.

First pair of two wore those lolita type dresses with belts holding the skirt up along with black heeled boots. There were puffy sleeves that connected to a sort of frilly turtleneck thing, but the chest was on full display. One wore a hat and the other was in goggles. It seemed both wore gloves and a corset.

“I’d happily wear a corset.” Tristan said and Lucretia took notes.

The second pair were in a much more risque outfit. Basically black see through dress shirts with lacy tank tops underneath and black corsets with multiple brown straps all over. Black heeled boots with stockings underneath connected to the tiny hot pants they wore. Only one of them had a leather back on the hip while the other had holsters with fake old timey guns tucked in.

As for the last pair, they had the high low skirts that showed off most of their legs. Both had on fishnets and metallic colored corsets. They had sleeves that were just slid up their arms and not attached to the rest of the outfit. Koreans sure loved to have their shoulders out whenever they got the chance. I was the same way, though. I adored the tiny hat that Lana was given.

The male dancers were given newsboy hats. Did I already say that? Ah, well, I’m too lazy to go back and look. Anyways, all together, the nice of them looked amazing! After taking pics, most changed and were ready to go back home. Most stayed to get things tailored to their comfort specifics, but my dongsaeng and I went back to the dorms.

It wasn’t long after until James ran into the living room where I was and asked, “Did you really kiss Fenrir?”

### Thursday, 5:25pm

“Noona, we need you!” Tristan said as I was getting my face done for my ballad.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Lana just got injured and can’t perform. You’re the only one who can do her part.” He held my hands. “Please, Noona?”

I nodded, “Of course.”

Eddie handed me a makeup wipe and told me to come back after wardrobe. Luckily, the corset I used the second week was there along with a high low skirt. Of course a flowy white blouse was there as well. It was a staple for any kpop wardrobe. I didn’t have any heeled boots, but my combat boots would do just fine. My time to get ready had been incredibly shortened. Luckily, I was a drama nerd. I was good with thinking on the spot.

My outfit was completed in 15 minutes. Then we went and got my makeup done. Naeun had been Jiha’s costume counterpart, so my makeup was based off of hers. Then the hat was clipped into my hair. We did a runthrough to make sure I had the moves down and then I was in starting position with five minutes to spare.

The beginning started, and I strut with my head held high. I knew this song and dance only a little bit worse than the others because I had only been there for two practices, because this was last minute, because of a lot of things I didn’t need to think about right then. Music. Haemosu was behind me now.

I threw my arm around his neck and our hips moved in time. Then he went onto the next girl. I could breathe. Part of me wondered what was going on. Like what was the audience thinking at home and in the building? But I quickly shook that off as I quickly went to form a line with the other girls behind Tristan.

The bridge. I remembered to breathe and did my sexy face. Snap…snap…snap…and then my favorite part. I couldn’t help but smile a little bit. At least I wasn’t in the front for this part. Then I shook my booty and flung my arms with style. Everyone quickly walked off to the sides. We came back on and bowed to the audience.

“That was Haemosu with the opening number. He had the highest votes to perform the opening last week and did it with an assist from our dear Iris who danced in place of an injured back up dancer that we hope gets well soon.” Dabi said. “Anything for her dongsaeng, isn’t that right, folks?”

I wiped my face clean and got help stripping to be put into my golden gown. Then I went to makeup while Nawoo helped to put my heels on. They rooted me on. I did just fine for the part I was put into.

A tissue dabbed at my eyes, “Don’t cry. You did great.” It was James who spoke to me in English and then repeated himself in Korean.

“I’m just so grateful for you guys.” I sniffed. “It’s so much right now, and I usually don’t cry in front of people. I feel so dumb for crying over this.”

“Don’t feel dumb. You’re having to deal with a lot of bullshit in a short amount of time.” He handed Kei some bobby pins. “It’ll pass, Iris. All you gotta do is live through it.”

“I will.”

James smiled, “Good.”

I looked at him in his black and goldish suit, “You look great by the way.”

He posed, “Hells yeah. Thanks.”

“Anubis.” A stage manager called.

“Gotta go. Keep your head up, goddess.” He left.

“Yep.”

Kei smiled, “You’ve got some good friends, Iris.”

I nodded, “I sure do.”

Jun was on stage performing “Here I Am” by Yesung while wearing a patterned dress shirt and a solid color skirt that reached his ankles with a pair of black heels. He started crying, and I wanted to go hug him. It seemed like everyone was crying tonight. Alice was soon after with her rendition of Kassy’s “Hold My Hand” while wearing a sequined blazer.

I stood draped in gold with two acts to go on before me. “Okie Dokie” which was James and Dongmin’s dance they were gonna do. Then Nawoo’s solo, Eric Nam’s “Shower”. During the commercial break, I was put center stage. Choreo had changed to just arm movements since my dress was so long.

Then we came back from commercial and I was introduced. The acoustic instrumental started and I vocalized. I looked into the camera in front of me as I sang, “흔들리는 별빛 속 품었던/작은 꿈들/겁이 없이 찾아 나섰던/그 길이 버거울 때”

There was a murmur in the crowd as I sang. I was so nervous, but I just focused on singing. I looked out to the audience and looked at them with my golden contacts in. They did everything they could to make me into a real Goddess tonight. The dress was heavy all over. Collar, arms, back. It had what I could only call a cape. A slight wind fan made it bearable.

For quite a bit of the song, I realized that my eyes were shut tight. Part of me was fighting stress tears while another part was scared to open my eyes. Then the end of the song was coming. I knew I had to connect one more time, so I grabbed the mic with both hands and opened my eyes.

With gentle confidence, I looked out into the crowd and at the judges, “하늘 위 걸어둔 꿈 닿을 때까지/어둠이 날 감싸도 너만은 절대로/놓치지 않을 거야/You’ll always be mine” once again I vocalized and kept myself from slow jamming too much. Then I looked into the soul of the camera man to my right, “You’re everything to me.”

The music played out, and I looked down. I had to breathe. It was hard to hear the applause, to even look up. When I did, I noticed the judges giving me a standing ovation. Lots of people in the audience were as well. I covered my mouth and got choked up all over again. Dabit helped me step closer to them.

“Who wants to go first?” He asked.

Everyone looked at Bang PD-nim who smiled, “I’m speechless. So much improvement in such a short period of time. I’m proud of you.”

I smiled and sighed at the same time, “Thank you.” I croaked out and cleared my throat.

“Get her some water, please.” Yujin-oppa said.

A water bottle was delivered to me as audience critique was given, “They’re mostly talking about the dress and your body, some things are irrelevant but it’s mostly positive. Overall, everyone is really glad you did a Korean song finally and you did it well.”

“I’d have to agree.” Said Suga and then he looked at me. “I know it’s still pretty early in the competition. Half of you are yet to leave, but I don’t think you’re gonna be one of them, Iris. I honestly think you could make it until the end if you keep giving performances like that.”

I took a sip of water and nearly choked on it as I registered his words.

“Really?” was my only reply.

“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

I bowed, “Thank you. I’d bow lower, but this dress might knock me over.”

He laughed and smiled. The dancer said that I made a good connection with the camera and with the audience which is one of the most important things about dance, performance in general and that she couldn’t wait to see my group dance. Yujin just told me that I did a great job 

“Everything I was gonna say has been said already. So, just keep being great, Iris.”

“I’ll do my best.” I replied and went backstage where I changed out of my heaviest outfit yet into what was basically lingerie in comparison.

I realized the boots I was performing this number in were the ones I had done the impromptu opening number in. Where was Tristan? I wondered when I realized he was on stage with Nawoo and Hyojoon doing the Adam and Steve remix of the Jo Bros’ “Sucker” based on Kyle Hanagami’s choreo.

After Dongmin’s solo which was after Hallakgungi’s solo, it was time for us girls to hit the stage. Tonight was a roller coaster for fast and slows since it was hip hop and ballads all intermingled with each other. It was the night for diversity, to show our range as performers.

Bum da bum “Yung monie” and people were cheering as the lighting changed. It was our best performance yet. My knees had padding on it this time, so I could do the floor moves more easily and I felt like I didn’t stop smiling all the way through. We hugged each other when it was done and got our notes. It was just a few synchronicity things and also we needed to try to keep the same energy as each other.

Other than that, we were perfect. Then we went backstage for our last costume change. I nearly forgot that I had to do four instead of the original three due to my steampunk look. All the femmes were put into different versions of this dress.

It was floral looks for everyone. The guys were a mix of flowers on suits and flowy tops. I was back in heels, my pink Mary Janes and placed on a pillar. Then I went up. Rose clips had been placed in my puffs as well. Looking around at all our looks, Hozier would be proud but probably let down at the lack of moss.

Before I knew it, the night was over. Well, the show was over. People went home as we rode to the studio. While in the cars, we got our next theme. It was Parents’ week. We had to call them and learn their favorite song.

“Back to English for me, huh?” I said out loud. I’d probably make all my songs Korean after this if I wanted to win.

Dance style would be contemporary. We’d get to rest tonight, other than Gina and James who were doing the opening number for next week. I had gotten the Winner’s Room for the week which was good news since that meant I didn’t have to clean anything up just yet. I had chosen Dongmin and Sooja to chill with.

### Thursday, 10pm

I was in the car with Sooja, Jun, and Tristan as we rode back home.

“Do you think they meant it?” Jun asked. “Like, they can’t be serious, right?”

“I think they are.” Sooja said.

I shook my head, “It’s a ten week show, I knew they were gonna have to do this sooner or later.”

Tristan sighed, “I doubt it’s gonna be any of us, though. Our scores were pretty great.”

Sooja tilted her head, “Still, a double elimination. That’s heavy.”

Yep. This upcoming week would mean the end for not one but two of my friends, maybe even me. Two of us would be packing up and leaving the dorm in seven days. I prayed it wouldn’t be any of my closest friends.


	11. Week 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I spend some time with the 16 year old trainee, the youngest of the group. It's fun, but you know. Gotta deal with haters irl when you're apparently as famous as I am. I am (Actual) Feminist. James helps me out with my performance for the week, too.

### Saturday, 10am

Knowing my mom would probably choose an English song as her fave but also wanting to survive the week, I asked her what her favorite Kpop song was instead. I had yet to get an answer before I fell asleep, but had an answer when I woke up. It was BTS, of course. “Go Go” which meant I got to wear a hoodie on stage next week. I was glad.

After sending her a quick thank you, I sent a screenshot of the message to Kyung. He sent me a reply saying it was basically BTS night. I wasn’t that surprised because BTS was so big and so the international parents probably knew Bangtan the best.

Then I got to go to the arcade with Dongmin. 

I didn’t play any of the shooting games, but I really got into Pac-Man and played against Dongmin for a good 20 minutes. We took photos with fans and signed some things.

A few had started following us afterwards, but they weren’t bothering us. They just wanted to see what we were doing. We had gone into the VR section of the arcade and got strapped into a gyroscope.

“Are you sure you’re gonna fit, piggy?” Someone called.

I bit back the words that burned on my tongue, “Is that any of your business, bully?”

Instead, I just enjoyed the ride after the headset had been stretched over my large head. I was screaming from joy and laughing. It reminded me of Space Camp back in 6th grade. Only this time, the scene in front of me wasn’t other children, but a roller coaster. I hated roller coasters, but this wasn’t that bad. I was comforted by the fact that I knew I wasn’t actually midair.

Once it was over, I was helped down by the attendant and Dongmin went up next. I was wearing tie dye shorts and a definition top. The definition was for Feminism. And not the one that was like “the radical idea that women are people” because I wanted the literal definition: The advocacy of women’s rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.

It was my own personal shirt, but apparently it called for harassment since as I was recording Dongmin having his turn in the VR-sphere, some person started to ask me dumb questions in Korean. I just ignored them.

Until they asked, “So, why do you hate men?”

“I don’t.” I replied.

“But you’re a feminist.”

“Exactly. A real feminist wants men to freely wear skirts as much as they want equal pay.”

My words seemed to shut him up. Also, Kyung came to my side and asked if he was bothering me. I told my manager no since the bully was quiet now. After a few rounds of a rhythm game, we went to eat some Korean French fusion food in the food court and straight onto rehearsals.

Dongmin talked about how fun it was and that he had a great time with me. He hoped that we’d get to do it again. The boy also told me how happy it made him to see me as a part of the lineup and how confident I was about being a bigger girl because his friends and family said that his job would be the death of him. He was big and he was healthy. He realized it wasn’t his health they were worried about, but they were ashamed about how he looked.

Then there was me. I had been made fun of my whole entire life for so many different things about me, and yeah, it hurt being called out.

“Still, I don’t think I can handle all the bullying and I don’t want to be fat. I just eat a lot, so I can’t diet and I can’t exercise because of work. I do hate myself less because of you, though.” He smiled. “I’m more comfortable being a bigger size. I think being skinny might just be a fad. So thank you.”

### Saturday, 2:47pm

“Sounds like a real jerk. You spoke well, though.” Sooja said as we laced up our boots together, getting ready for practice in costume.

“I keep feeling like I should’ve done something else. Said more, said less.” I sighed. “Either way, I’d be overthinking it now anyways.”

Gina pulled her shorts down a bit since they were riding up, “I think you did the right thing. Sometimes you have to say something instead of just standing by and letting ignorance be spread.”

I smiled, “Thanks, guys.”

Kyung motioned me into the hallway and handed me the phone where a very familiar voice said to me, “You’re viral, Iris-ah. Everyone knows you’re a feminist. What do you wanna do?”

“What do you mean, Bang PD-nim?” I asked.

“Confirm, deny, stay silent?”

I nodded to myself, “You want me to help make a statement and make it go public.”

“Exactly.”

“Well, I will give you my honest thoughts, and then you can get PR to do what they will with my words. Make sure there is no misunderstanding.”

A pause, “When you’re ready. English or Korean. It’s up to you.”

I took a deep breath and spoke in English, “I believe what media shows as a feminist is not accurate to what the movement should be. Feminism strives for equality. Not hating a man solely because of the way he was born. Currently, it is men who are determining the beauty and socially accepted standards for women, so yes, we’re fighting against that to be able to simply be beautiful and exist in the way we decide for ourselves. We want equality between all genders and to erase all inequality between them. That’s what I believe a true feminist is. I work towards equality, not hate.”

A longer pause this time, and then I spoke, “Is that all?”

“Yes. Very beautifully put. We’ll have a statement put out before the end of rehearsal. Leave everything to me.” He added, “And be prepared for the storm.”

“Thank you, PD-nim. I will carry an umbrella.”

I read comments after practice. A lot of people who misunderstood. People who wouldn’t be voting for me. There were also a bunch of users who did get it and said that it was this type of feminism the media should be supporting. Others added questions and wanted to know my stance on a bunch of other things.

I texted Kyung to tell the director that I’d be ok with answering a few of Netizin’s questions on the show next week. I was hella nervous, but I knew in my heart that I had done the right thing. Most of the others seemed to support me too. Last week, it had been Gina’s shorts and James with his clothing. A few weeks before, my left boob stole the spotlight. This was bigger than just wardrobe stuff.

“Why’s my stuff always so dramatic?” I moaned in the car with Hyojoon, Nawoo, and James.

“Because you’re such a good person. A lot of more people are listening to you.” Hyojoon said.

Nawoo agreed, “Yep. You’re charming. You pull people in with your personality and your unique look and then you’ve got the brains to match.” He sighed. “My dream girl.”

I rolled my eyes and let out a short laugh, “No wonder I’ve been stuck in the middle of the standing the whole time. I’m too weird.”

“You’re a feminist. You know how scared society is of a woman with a brain,” James piped up.

“And thinks for herself.” Hyojoon added. “They’ll even try to discredit you because you’re not Korean even though you’re right.”

“God, I’m so scared. Reading comments, the mood is pretty much 50/50. I just don’t know which 50 is going to act.” I bit my lip.

James put his hand on my back, “If anyone tries to mess with my little sister, we’re gonna have problems.”

Nawoo held my hand, “You’re my dream girl, I’d never let anything bad happen to you.”

Our van stopped at home.

“Let’s all get washed and ready for dinner.” Hyojoon looked at all of us. “We’ll cross bridges when we get there, but first we have to get there.”

My heart was so warm with how everyone was there for me. It was like we were a family that openly cared for each other. I wasn’t used to that part of the whole familial thing. I was so accustomed to logic for better or worse. Being comforted was weird. Different. Not a bad feeling, though.

Jun even helped to comb out my hair for tonight before putting it in two puffs at the back of my head like it had been before. Then we put on regular clothes and made sure our bags were filled with deodorant and other things we’d need. Chargers. Phones. Mints. Our managers were doing the same things downstairs.

We had travelling to do today and it would take all night. We also wouldn’t be able to come back, but yeah. We were rushed into the cars as more cameras were trying to snap pics of us and same as we held hands and quickly went into the building. There had been some updates on the whole thing. Other idols were supporting my message. What message had they put out? I had been so busy that I had forgotten to see the official statement.

It was mostly my words with the unclear statements or hard to translate parts cut out.

_Earlier this week, our competitor and trainee Farai aka Iris was seen wearing a Feminist shirt and was harassed by a stranger because of it along with her weight. In a conversation with Bang PD, she has said that she believes what media shows as a feminist is not accurate to what the movement should be. Feminism should aim for equality. This does not hating a man solely because of the way he was born. Saying, “I believe a true feminist work(s) towards equality, not hate.” We at BigHit stand by our client and will not tolerate hate speech of any sort._

Well, I had the company on my side. That was good. I felt safer now. So many people were rooting for me. I came to Korea to change some things. Not radically. Just by being myself and saying what I felt needed to be said. I did that and people agreed.

### Saturday, 5pm

We’re on our way to somewhere. Sometime’s Kyung’s accent makes it hard to understand. I’ve just been picked up from costuming. I was surprised when I got a hat to wear, and it fit since the back was just an elastic strap. So I’d wear that and a red and white tracksuit. It was like the one Namjoon wore for the heart performance but colored like Yoongi’s. I was so excited!

Nawoo was there in a jean jacket with so many patches ironed and sewn onto it. Black patterned shirt under it and dark ripped jeans. I told him he looked great, and he said I looked better.

“You’re such a flirt.” I rolled my eyes.

“Only with pretty girls like you.” He threw his arm over my shoulders as I sat down. “Never seen you in a hat before.”

I answered, “Most don’t fit cuz big hair and big face.”

Nawoo playfully tapped the brim, “It looks nice on you.”

“Thanks, oppa.” I said without thinking about it.

But he broke out into a smile.

Sirab came out with a different tack suit jacket. This one had a hood and the torso was white while the sleeves and the hood itself were red. He asked me to try on that one and the original one.

“I can get a red Puma one instead of Adidas, and that way we can show the logo.” He said as I put on the new jacket. “It’ll look more like the first one, though.”

“I think that’d be better. This one just feels a bit too blank. I think white would be a better accent than statement.” I looked at myself in the mirror.

Nawoo bit his lip, “You’re very cute in whatever you wear, but I agree. The first one was better.”

“Then I’ll order Puma and it should be in tomorrow or the day after.” Sirab said, making a note. “As for you, Nawoo. I’m leaning more towards a forest green for your pants instead of jeans.”

“Not feeling that at all, but we can at least try.”

He nodded, “Well, I think that’s it for you two. Change out of what you got and make sure to hand it to an assistants before you leave.”

The ten of us grabbed a quick meal of ramen at a shop for dinner and to let the vans refuel. The shop had just enough seats for all of us, and we were able to talk about how last week had gone…well, yesterday. Sooja said she was proud of me, and I couldn’t help but laugh at how genuine it was.

“Sorry, I just…really?” I asked. Why would she be proud of me?

“Of course! You are so brave and the amount of idols who agree with you like, openly? That is just spectacular.” She slurped up a bunch of noodles. “Not to mention, it’ll make you more popular for the show as if your performances weren’t show stopping enough.”

I looked down shyly, “Thanks, Sooja. I think you’re a much better performer, though. Like, I get so excited when I watch you dance and sing. Not to mention, you’re as beautiful as Nawoo is handsome.”

Nawoo choked and his ears got red, and he tried to hide them, “Noooo, that’s my weakness! I can’t help but blush when people call me handsome. I’m not used to it.”

“Are you kidding? You are extremely handsome. Any girl would be lucky to go out with you.” I booped his nose.

His face had become as red as a tomato. I liked making people embarrassed in a good way, so I was happy when he couldn’t stop smiling.

### Sunday, 2am

At the hotel, we had a nearby studio to practice in for the upcoming days. “Go Go” practive was probably the hardest performance. I was not doing the full song and dance, thank goodness. Only like half of it.

Still, I had to floss and do a bunch of other meme dances that I was just so embarrassed to be doing. This practice was just me and a choreographer. They told me to have fun with it, but I would have fun after I knew what I was doing. We took a break and I watched her go over some things.

“Hey there.” hands landed on my shoulders.

I jumped out of my skin and aimed for the face.

“Ow!” It was James who was now on his back holding his nose. “I totally deserved that, but ow!”

“Jesus, James! You scared me! I thought you were a sasaeng.” I hadn’t been paying attention to my surroundings and my headphones were on.

“We’re not famous enough for sasengs.” He sat back up and tilted his head back, “I’m not bleeding, am I?”

I shook my head, “No, you’re fine. What are you doing here?”

“You, little lady, need a bit more culture. So, I’m gonna help you loosen up. Also, my choreographer twisted her ankle and can’t work today.” He laughed.

My scowl was obvious, “I’m black enough, thank you very–”

“Old school black, you don’t know anything recent, do you?”

I bit my lip, “No.”

He grinned, “Alright, so stand up and let’s do some dancing.”

This whole thing went about as well as BM teaching Jae how to dance. I was a floppy mess sometimes and other times way too stiff. And I was getting frustrated while we were trying to get me to learn flossing.

“This—this is stupid. I’m gonna sink like a rock to the bottom of the board and get kicked off anyways. What’s the use?” I moaned.

James held my arms, “You’re doing great. You ain’t no backpack kid, but you’re gonna be an idol. A real one. Just gotta practice and don’t worry about getting it perfect. Michael Jackson didn’t learn the moonwalk in one day, either.”

I pouted and puffed my cheeks, folding my arms and being stubborn.

He tilted his head in front of my eyes, “Let’s just work on the movement and not worry about the speed, alright? If you do well, I’ll buy you food~”

I looked at him, still grumpy, “What kind of food?”

“Anything you want.” He said.

“I want ice cream mochi.” I pouted.

“Ice cream mochi it is, just try, ok?”

I nodded and we began trying to get the movement down while in the mirror, me following his lead. I did my best not to get too frustrated again. It didn’t look right. I didn’t look right doing this and just looked stupid. Not the good kind of stupid, either.

James then told me not to look into the mirror.

“But how can I see if I get it right?”

“I’ll tell you.” He smiled. “Just gotta do it.”

So I tried and followed his words, “Arms, swivel, hip, switch. Arms, arms, swivel, hip.” He began to smile. “Keep your eyes forward. Hip, arms…”

He clapped to a rhythm and speed up the beat, and I did my best to keep up. Sooner or later, I was just focused on the movements and not how dumb I looked. The moment I thought about how I looked, I messed up.

James raised his arms for a high five. Once I gave him one, he gathered me into a hug.

“You did great! Don’t worry about looking stupid. It’s a dumb move, but that’s the point. Ok? I knew you could do it.”

I smiled, “All thanks to you.” I looked up at him with a grin still on my face.

He kissed my forehead. “You remind me so much of my baby sister. It’s crazy.”

I hugged him tighter, “I’m sure she’s super proud of you.” Then our managers came down to tell us to go to bed.

“Don’t forget about ice cream mochi!” I said as he went to his room and I went to mine.

### Sunday, 12pm

We were in Jejudo until Tuesday morning. We were all so excited for the slight vacation, but we wouldn’t let it distract us from the competition. Our rooms had been scanned all weekend to make sure there were no spy cams and if they were, they were replaced with obvious BigHit approved cams.

I roomed with Jun and Alice while Gina and Sooja got to have a room for just them. From the group chat, it seemed that James and Tristan shared a room while Hyojoon roomed with Dongmin and Nawoo. We were expected to dance tomorrow at Shinhwa Water Park in our bathing suits.

Sooja, Gina, and I were gonna do our “Swalla” thing because the editors wanted a cleaner and more professional video of it.

“This is a conundrum.” I said.

Jun giggled at my word use, “What is?”

“Should I or should I not wear makeup to the water park? I wasn’t planning to, so I only brought the basics for everything else we were gonna do.” I showed them my tiny bag full of two lipsticks (light and dark red), liquid eyeliner, foundation, and gold highlighter.

Alice looked at the things, “None of this is water proof other than the liner.”

“Exactly.”

The blonde then looked at me, “So just go bare faced.”

“But cameras. We’ve gotta be dressed up somewhat.”

“We’ll go barefaced. We won’t be super dressed up, but we’ll still look good.” She said.

“Anyways, if they want us to wear makeup, they’ll tell us or give us time to put some on.” Jun added.

I nodded, “You right. I’ve only worn blue lipstick to a water park because it was my first time trying it on in public. What better place than a crowded area? It was also by baby sister’s birthday party.”

We also had to do a group number, so we decided “Dance the Night Away” would be best since we had done it before and in sand. I smiled as we practiced. It was so much different than before. We looked so much more mature even though we had only done it just over a month ago. So much had changed in that time. There were less of us. More struggle. We were closer too, wild.

### Monday, 8:04am

Next morning, we all got ready and not even Jun had a drop of foundation on her face. I thought he looked adorable. There were signs being set up that gave visitors a heads up that they were in a filming zone and that if they continued to go through the area, they could possibly seen on camera. Meaning they probably wouldn’t be blurred out unless it was a child.

Our group numbers were filmed in different areas. My trio danced in front of a souvenir shop that was bright with pinks and yellows. The director asked if we were wearing makeup as he leaned in close.

“No. We are at a water park, so there is no need for makeup.” Gina replied.

He sighed, “We don’t have time for you guys to put it on, so I guess we’ll just shoot it this way. I thought it would’ve been obvious.”

“Well, it wasn’t.” Sooja shot back, using the same disrespectful level of language.

“It’s the feminist’s fault, isn’t it?”

Gina spoke before I did, “I mean, we are all feminists, sooo, I guess the answer is yes?”

“You make gender equality sound like a bad thing.” I added.

With a set jaw and losing the fight, “Anyways, places!” He grumbled.

So this is the one Jun and Dongmin had to work with last week. No wonder they strongly disliked him. Hopefully, I’d never have to work with him again. The floor parts were difficult since it was stone, but we dealt with it by simply being careful. We had to do it multiple times, though since getting up and getting down were out of sync the first few shots.

At least it wasn’t “Dally”, I thought to myself. Sooner or later, we were done and then told we were going to be part of the show. We had a few minutes and I had the chance to take my makeup off later, so I put on a bit just so that I’d stand out a bit more. I saw Jun doing it too, and we laughed. Why were we hiding and being hasty? We loved dressing up.

“And from BigHit’s talent survival show, performing Twice’s ‘Dance the Night Away’, it’s the gods of Deify!” The employee announced.

We all got onto the stage and danced like we had before, my cheeks now sparkling with blue-ish highlighter. I was so glad that I got Jeongyeon’s full part because in the original choreo, I did part of it and then switched with Alice. She was my bias, so I was super happy. Like her voice, bruh.

We all lined up and bowed at the end. Then we had two more hours to do whatever we wanted, and it was starting to get dark. Hyojoon asked if I wanted to go for a walk. I said I had already promised Sooja to go on rides with her, but maybe another time. He said ok and then Sooja and I went to ride after ride until she threw up her lunch in a bush and had to be taken home.

### Monday, 1:23pm

Tristan had been passing by with James and Hyojoon who just stared at me keeping Sooja up because they couldn’t handle puke. Instead, they walked with us to the nearest manager and waited with me until she was in a car headed back to the hotel. We only had half an hour left, but I decided to go on that walk with Hyojoon and the others. It was great getting to know each other.

The others found out that Tristan had three little sisters at home which is why he liked being one of the younger contestants. He got taken care of instead of having to take care of everyone. He showed us pics of them.

“Are they triplets?” James asked.

He shook his head, “Nope. Twins and the one in the middle is the youngest. This is an old photo of them, but it’s one of my faves.”

I told them about my two little siblings and my older brother and how I was closest with my little brother. We liked anime and video games and dressing up. Hyojoon had a big sister and a much younger brother.

“Well, you all know about my little sister.” James said. “I have fraternal twin older siblings. One’s a business major and the other is trying to become a fashion designer. He made the uniforms for our family diner.”

“Who do you think you are?” someone yelled.

We looked around but mostly ignored it until a girl who looked like she was still in high school came up to us and stood right in front of us. Dear god, what did she want? She had on those circle lenses that had just come back into style and several BTS mech items.

She folded her arms and glared at me and James. Oh. So that’s what she wanted.

“We don’t need people like you tainting our culture. It’s fine the way it is. Your ‘flavor’ and ‘unique sound’ aren’t needed. You’re too dark for any of our makeup anyways, so go back to where you came from and leave Korea and k-pop alone!” She then grabbed mine and Tristan’s wrists. “And leave our men to their own kind!”

She tried to tear our hands apart, but Tristan pulled our hands away from hers and hugged me.

“Leave my noona alone! I don’t know what’s in that head of yours, but it’s wrong.” He hid me behind his body.

“Tristan, don’t say anything.” Hyojoon and I both said.

I added, “Let’s just go. I don’t want to interact with her.”

“Let’s find security.” James said.

We all turned around and looked for security. She continued to yell at us and follow us even as we decided running might be the best option. We weren’t even famous yet, and we were getting this treatment? I was a bit heartbroken. People soon took notice and heard us call for security.

Two people who looked like they were off the clock asked us what was wrong. Hyojoon explained. I didn’t know high speech that well, so I was only able to understand a few things. He pointed to the girl who was now trying to act innocent and nonchalant like she hadn’t chased us for five plus minutes. I had to remind myself not to cry. It hurt. A lot.

We sat down and waited for them to question the girl, but she was screaming profanities and slurs before they even spoke. They soon took her away and gave us the motion to leave them be because it was obviously not gonna get handled right then and there. A ton of people were staring now. We called our managers and walked back to where they were. It was about time to go home anyways.

“Let’s hang out by the pool when we get back, ok?” Hyojoon said.

“Sounds good.” I replied. “You really are like the leader.”

We were still in our bathing suits. None of us had taken them off from underneath our clothing because we didn’t wanna use the bathrooms there for too long.

### Tuesday, 1:42pm

The next day, we had to perform some solos. This was a daily thing, then. I wished our managers had been clearer about our events on this island instead of saying it was a vacation. We went to the beaches before it was time to leave for the park and played with a few families that were there. I took pics of my friends, and noticed Nawoo had an affinity for the camera.

“I was in photography club in high school. Art club before that. Visual arts have become my passions, so I try to stay good at them.” He blushed.

I hugged him, “Well, you’re doing great! I could never get a shot like that looking good any other way.”

“But you’re beautiful, of course you could.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Our names were called, and we quickly went into the vans. I started walking ahead and then looked back to call Nawoo again since he hadn’t moved. He gave me such a kind smile and then ran to catch up. We held hands as we ran to the cars.

Today, I did the Hwarang song “Divine Intervention” in flip flops and a cute pink sundress. People applauded as I bowed and blew kisses. I was instantly tired after getting off the stage, though. Like emotionally drained. Still, I couldn’t let that stop me from taking pictures with a few fans and talk to them. A five person group from Busan were surprised when I understood them well and only asked them to repeat themselves twice.

I told them I made dialects as a part of my studies and showed off a bit cuz there was one that was really tall and really cute and spoke German. He smiled at me and called me adorable which was worth it. His friend wanted to exchange info, but I just said I wasn’t allowed to.

James and Gina asked if I was hungry, and I said yes. After telling the boys bye, I went to go grab some food. These days went by fast because the next thing I remembered was getting home and heading straight to the practice room even though it was almost midnight and I hadn’t eaten dinner yet. It was a nice vacation, but it hadn’t stopped us from working so hard.

### Tuesday, 9pm

Now that we had a proper studio once again, it was more focused. We had spent nights working in our hotel rooms. Tomorrow, I’d meet with Yujin-oppa to go over lyrics once more. That was until he surprised me in the studio. He asked me to perform my solo from top to bottom singing like I would during the show. I did and he watched intently. During the small bonding vacation, I worked on my face a lot.

Like, which expressions to make and when. I had to look like I was having fun.

“Understood,” Yujin said, “But you should actually be having fun, too. You’re still thinking way too much for a simple performance.”

“It’s never simple. These performances can make or break my career before it even starts.” I wiped my sweat. “I’d rather do a great and clean job while passing for having fun than actually having fun and making everything else sloppy and mediocre.”

He put his hand on his hip, “So you’re not having fun?”

“Not as much as I am when just listening. I love this song and the dance is fun to watch, but before this show, I’ve never even attempted to dance to this because it seemed too hard. It’s really fucking difficult, and I’m doing the best I can!” I closed my eyes and held my forehead for a bit. “Sorry for cursing.”

Yujin-oppa put his hand on my back and I moved away, “I get it’s difficult, but you don’t get to make excuses. I know you’re doing your best on your own, but I’m trying to help you do even better.”

“I know!…I know…but you always do this!”

“Do what?”

“You attack or comment on the one thing I’ve worked the most on without fail! My pronunciation. My learning speed. It’s a process, not something I’m going to do in an instant. Something I’m already working on. That I don’t need your commentary on! It’s annoying as fuck!” I balled up my hands. “My apologies.”

He had his arms folded, “Do you want me to leave then?”

“I didn’t ask you to come here in the first place. Help me with my singing, not my face.” I turned on the music and began practicing again with a smile on my face as if nothing happened. As if I wasn’t frustrated with everything.

Yujin-oppa left a bit but was back before I was done. I watched myself back on the screen and noted things here and there that I could improve on as I usually did. Then I did it once more and tried to remember what I needed to do better on. He called out “louder” every once in a while and “breathe” when I forgot.

“One more time while I stay quiet?” He said handing my water bottle.

I nodded, took a sip of water and went again. It was good enough for him, so I gathered my things and planned to take a shower next before a final outfit check. There was a hand on my arm holding me back. Yujin had something he wanted to say apparently.

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?”

“Giving you help you didn’t ask for. You come to me for vocal help, not facial help or choreo help. I’m sorry for overstepping.”

I looked at him, “I’ll think about forgiving you if I get into the top three this week.”

He chuckled, “I am an actor, though. I was just trying to help.”

“I’m an actress, too. There are certain things I can do on my own, Yujin-ssi.”

“I realize that. Another thing…”

I looked at him, “Yea?”

“Are you ok? I heard about what happened with you, James, and–”

My eyes met the wall instead of his eyes, “Yeah. We’re fine. Racism and ignorance aren’t going to stop me any time soon. It’s not the last time something like this will happen.” My voice was softer than it was before. I sighed. “Anything else, oppa?”

“No. Just glad you’re ok. I’m here if you need me. Enjoy your day.”

“Ok. I will.” I said and went up the stairs to my room, no longer the special room. That was taken up by Sooja, Jun, and Gina.

My outfit was a pair of cream colored lace shorts by Gucci along with a similarly styled jacket, a Prada dress shirt with a boob window, and some Moschino heels. I’m not sure if I’d ever wear the dress shirt with anything, but I had an outfit. I had pieces I could work with and they were worth so much.

I’d probably be wearing the shorts a lot since it was hot out.

### Tuesday, 10:03pm

My head was dizzy. I hadn’t given it a chance to relax for the past 24 hours except on the car ride home. I thought about earlier looking at final outfits.

At Sirab’s, he was busy with someone else, so I went to Kei who put my hair into cornrows with rings in them. It was something I had wanted to try for a while. Then the outfit was nice. I looked real cute in a tracksuit. My second butt was still on my nerves, but you could barely notice it in this outfit.

My “Angels of Sephiroth” outfit was…not a lot, and by that I mean, it wasn’t a lot of fabric. Well, there was fabric, it was just really sheer. I’d be wearing a pink halter neckline tank top that showed off my belly button but was super long in the back. My bra would be visible and that was being paired with white shorts. We’d be barefoot during the whole thing.

After photos, it was curfew, so everyone was home, but that also meant there was no excuse not to practice. There was a fight going on in the group chat because someone ate someone else’s food, and I just wanted to know if anyone was in the practice room. A manager came in, took them out and said they’d be added back things were figured out since they were both home by now.

My group was working very hard in the basement studio.

### Tuesday, 10:31pm

It was me with Loki, Anubis, Lyssa, and Lan Caihe. We’d be wearing our colors during the contemporary dance which required a lot of synchronicity. It was “Archangels of the Sephiroth” by Stellar. We depended on cues from one another to get this thing right. After getting styled, we practiced on the dance for the rest of the day. We’d be wearing headsets even though we were told we weren’t gonna be singing. Still, we had learned the song because that’s how we learned our dance as well.

I had a lot of center stage moments because I was the most improved in the dance area overall, but it was kind of scary. It was fun and simple, but also really intense. When it was over for the fifth time that night, we took a break.

Anubis smiled, “I can’t believe this is real. Korea. BigHit. I really hope I make it far. At this point, I don’t care if I win. As long as I’m memorable and have a chance if I don’t make it to the finals, then that’s a win in my book.”

“Agreed.” Lan Caihe said.

I stood and practiced on a few things, noticed Loki staring at me from his position on the floor. His head was in his hands. I worked on my leap. Threw myself into the move and smiled. It felt right the third time and I tried to recreate that feeling.

Loki sighed, “I think I may be in love with you, Iris.”

“Hush, boy.” I replied in English. “Don’t say such nonsense.” Is what I said in Korean.

“I’m serious!” Nawoo said. “You’re so beautiful and you’re a great artist. You care so much about others and by just…being yourself, you’re inspiring millions, changing the views of thousands. You stand tall. Bend but don’t break. The perfect girlfriend.”

I looked at him, “Thank you, Loki, but this isn’t the time for any of this. I’m pretty sure it’s just admiration. Your words are borderline worship.”

Lyssa scoffed, “Borderline?”

“You’re idolizing me. You see me as my goddess, not as me. Either way, it’s not time for dating or romantic interests.” I threw myself and stumbled. He caught me. “I’ll be working for years to make a name for myself. Until I do, there’s no hope of a significant other in my life.”

“What about Tristan?”

I rolled my eyes, “Friends.” I walked away and helped Jun to her feet. “C’mon guys, this goes on stage tomorrow. Break’s over. Let’s run it until we feel good enough about it.”

An hour later, we hit the showers.

### Thursday, 12pm

Lunch was nice, though we could feel the anxious nerves spread throughout us all. We were wearing our casual clothing. Most of us wore the bracelets that James and Imani had made us what felt like forever ago. We were a family. Even if we weren’t all there in that room eating fried rice and sushi.

The current overall standings would show up on the TV every once in a while:

>   
1\. Anubis  
  
2\. Iris  
  
3\. Haemosu  
  
4\. Lyssa  
  
5\. Lan Caihe  
  
6\. Yuhwa  
  
7\. Loki  
  
8\. Igong Hallakgungi  
  
9\. Ixchel  
  
10\. Ares  


Our maknae was in danger of being sent home this evening. We didn’t wanna talk about it, just assured him it could change very easily. Lyssa had been in the bottom last week, and she was in the top five now. It all depended on our performances.

### Around 8pm

I was on stage in my track suit and white hat. Six dancers were surrounding me as well just so that it would look better. I was the only one singing, though. I really hoped my mom would like it. She might have been watching. If not, she’d see it once she woke up. They played a video of me talking about her.

“She’s far from perfect, but she’s mine. If not for her, then I’d know less Korean than I know now.” I laughed. “I love you, mom!” I said it in both Korean and English and even Spanish to make sure she knew how much I loved her.

Then the music started. The other dancers all stood up and did their poses and I was last acting all cute and stuff. This was a dance that required so much stamina. I didn’t have that much, but I’d keep up appearances for the sake of performance. Then it was done just as fast as it began since it was just 90 or so seconds.

Critique time! I thanked James for helping me learn how to floss before any of that even began and they even played some footage of it. Sugawara was impressed. It wasn’t her area of expertise, these types of moves, but she said I executed them cleanly. A lot of the judges said it looked like I was having fun. Suga asked if I did.

“I mean, yeah. Yeah, it was fun, but I wasn’t thinking about having fun. I was just thinking about making it look that way.” I admitted. “I’m glad I was actually able to have a good time, too.” Clean recovery.

As soon as I got backstage, I went to change into my other outfit. I was so glad that I’d be in shorts and barefoot. It felt like I was an island girl for a bit. They wanted a few words from me as I came out of the changing room.

“So, how do you feel about your performance?”

“I feel good about it. All that matters is if my mom likes it.”

Dabit smiled, “Well, do we have a surprise for you!”

Was my mom here? No, it was a video message from her, though. She said she was proud of me and that the first thing she does when she wakes up is search YouTube for my performance of that night. I couldn’t help but cry. Even though I had spoken to her just the other day…it had been forever since I saw her face.

“I love you, baby. Fighting!”

“I love you too.” I said and blew her a kiss through the screen. I wiped my tears off of the screen after.

I felt someone hug me from behind and was asked how I felt before I could see who it was.

“I miss her so much. I hope I did well. I really…really hope she likes my performance. She’s not a huge fan of covers unless she doesn’t know they’re covers. So we’ll see.” I smiled

Tristan kissed my forehead, and the cameras left. He was in a black jacket with gold studs. His shirt was orange underneath and his black pants back were studded as well. I told him he looked good. He smiled at me.

“Thank you, Noona.” He was soon called onto stage.

My dongsaeng was such a good idol. He’d be in the final group for sure. Looking around, I took into account who was the most popular and who was consistent. Who would make the best k-pop group? Tristan and Sooja for sure. James…Alice…and probably Jun or Gina depending on how open minded Koreans really were. Gina needed to work on her vocals and pronunciation. Many of them had to work on dance.

Speaking of which, I was soon positioned on stage with the others. We put our hands in the middle and cheered. The fog rolled in and music began. It was time for our serious faces and sultry moves. I couldn’t help but smile after my solo part because it was over. I had another part in the center, but nothing so serious.

The boys were really doing great. I was glad to have such a hard working team that put this all together with me. We were all in sync and I hoped our energy levels were pretty similar too. I smirked during my section in the middle. Connected with the camera. Oh, right, we did have to sing in the end. We did a recording right before the performance tonight. It was the challenge of the week.

Whoever did better got bonus points. I don’t remember who said to learn the song in the first place, but they deserved all the kisses in the world. Afterwards, we were slightly out of breath, but I looked at the others. We were all so proud of what we had just done.

The other team was called on stage and we were given a few comments here and there, and then it was announced who got the extra points.

“I’m pretty sure you all know who got the points. The Angels!”

We jumped up and down and hugged each other. We bowed and thanked the judges and audience. Then we were put on the stage, each standing on a spot that could become a platform when our name was announced as being safe. It had been changed from the first few weeks where we had to go off stage and the bottom three.

Dabit had on a neutral face as he asked if the judges had any last words before they began eliminations.

PD-nim spoke, “Whatever happens tonight, you all did so well. I’m proud of all of you and the work you put in. It’ll be rewarded as long as you continue to work hard.”

The others decided not to say anything because he took the words right out of their mouths, and so the first three safe “girls” were lifted up: Alice, Jun, and Sooja. Then the safe guys were Anubis, Haemosu, and Hallakgungi. Gina, Dongmin, Nawoo, and I were still ground level. Half of us would be going home.

“These are the bottom four after tonight’s show.”

The four of us held hands and beat ourselves up. I shouldn’t have smiled so much during a serious performance. It probably ruined the immersion. Also, my comments after my solo probably didn’t leave the best taste in the judges’ mouths. Fuck!

Dabi continued, “Out of these four, the one that is still safe for another week is…Iris!”

I gasped as I let go of the other hands and was lifted up. Tears filled my eyes. Thank goodness! I wasn’t ready to go home yet. I couldn’t go home yet. Relief spread over me as I remembered to breathe.

“The two contestants going home tonight are…Loki and Ares who tied with the lowest score of the night.”

Gina was lifted up.

“That’s right. Our two gods, Ares and Loki will not be moving on to the next round and their journey on the show ends here.” Dabi said as people screamed and booed in reply.

The two boys stepped off the platforms to hug each other. They comforted their friend. Dongmin’s cries broke my heart. Looking at the screen behind me, I could see his devastation in HD. There wasn’t much time left, so they sang and we were soon lowered down to say our goodbyes as well. We hugged them tightly, and I stuck with Dongmin to rub his back and let him know it would be ok.

His pudgy hands clung to me as he sobbed into my top. He couldn’t even sing his goodbye song anymore. Loki stood tall as he sang in his beautiful alto tone. His tears looked like crystals as they streaked down his soft cheeks. I kissed his cheek so softly now that Tristan was the one Dongmin held. Our fingers intertwined and I knew the credits were rolling.

The two boys left to go pack up things at home. The remaining eight of us waited for the audience to clear out and for the judges to go home.

Gina let out a big sigh, “…so that happened. We lost two of the best competitors.”

“Rude.” James tried to lighten the mood, but it backfired. “I was just…trying to…nevermind.”

Hyojoon put his hand on his shoulder. We were quick to get out of our costumes now, and I wiped my face clean of any and all makeup before sitting with the others. Tristan sat next to me and held my hand. We were really close, weren’t we? The loss felt greater than it ever had. Which it was, I guess.

I didn’t say it out loud, but I knew it was gonna have to happen again.

“What do you think the next theme is gonna be?” I asked, trying to make things better.

“Hopefully no more dancing.” Sooja said. “It’s too hard to learn so much in just a week.”

We all chuckled in agreement. Yes, yes to that all the time.

Tristan piped up, “I’d like to do a love song or like Disney. Something cute and nice because this week was so hard.”

Gina perked up, “Yes! I love Disney!”

“Honestly! What was up with that surprise challenge?” Hyojoon moaned.

“Oh my god, yes! WTF?” I said. “That is an amount of stress I did not need.”

“I’d like to do duets or something fun like that.” Lyssa added. “Like, I know I’m not the only one who has been meeting celebs these past few weeks with no explanation other than they were interested in my performances.”

We all looked at each other in shock, “Uh…yeah?”

How did we not bring this up before? Like we had lunches with other members and idols so we thought it was just sort of common knowledge, but like…we hadn’t ever talked about it. EV-ER. So we started gushing about who we had met and stuff like that. A few minutes later, we were told to get into the car. We had to head to the studio for next week’s theme reveal.

So we got in the cars and drove to the studio a bit earlier than we usually did. Then we stopped and were handed pieces of fabric. We were confused, but we were ushered into the dance studio with blindfolds on. There was a lot of auras in there, so people were waiting for us. A few giggles. We had no idea what was going on.


	12. Week 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do I...REALLY..._TRULY_ get to work with my #1 idol?

### Thursday, 11pm

I didn’t know who I was standing next to now that we were inside, but the hand on my left was large. I guessed Jun or James. I could tell Sooja anywhere by her scent, so she was on my right.

Dabi said, “Take off your blindfolds when I count to three. One…two…three!”

I took it off and saw Kim Namjoon smiling at me. What? I sank like a rock and held onto the nearest hand. My heart was beating so fast. I looked around and there were other super popular idols there as well.

“Oh my god.” Several of us shared the same sentiment.

Squeals and gasps and all sorts of sounds of excitement filled the room. Then laughter from both sides. Idols. Real accomplished idols were in the room. One for each of us when we were just talking about…

Our idol approached us and I could only say, “No…no way!”

Namjoon bowed to me, and I bowed back, letting him say, “Nice to meet you again.”

“Same here. Are we performi–” I was saying it wrong but my brain wasn’t working well. My ultimate bias was right in front of me.

“Will you perform with me, Iris?” He held his hands like one would for a small hug, a slight shrug in his shoulders.

I nodded and wanted to hug him, but held myself back. I hadn’t been paying much attention to what Dabit was saying until now.

“…so you’ll have the rest of the night to decide what song you wanna do and make whatever edits you need to make. Keep the fangirling and squeals to a minimum. Think of this as your first _professional_ relationship in the business. Have fun!”

Two by two, we all left the studio and were led to smaller rooms where we were to work for the evening. It was probably heading towards early morning by now. It took me a moment for me to understand that Namjoon was telling me to sit down first. I did. Lemme tell you, I was shook being in a room with RM. The artist and idol that owned my heart and was the subject of many fanfics that I read and maybe have written myself.

There’s about four or five different cameras that I can see. Right. TV show. Not fan fic. I am not (Y/N) but an idol trainee. However…no no. No. I had to focus. I smiled at him.

“I was so in shock that I’m not sure what’s happening. I know I’m performing with you, but what’s the topic? Theme? Concept?” I shut my mouth before I looked like an idiot.

He smiled (I swooned internally), “The concept is love songs. We’ll be performing a love song together in its entirety. Do you have any love song that you’d like to perform?”

I thought for a moment, “I wanna do something in Korean since I’ve done mostly songs in English. Also, since I’m performing with you, I’m sure you want to do your rap thing during the performance, so I have nothing since I don’t know many Korean rap love songs.”

Namjoon chuckled, “My ‘rap thing’.”

I giggled, “Yeah…yes.” I changed it to be more formal.

“It’s ok. You can call me oppa and speak casually to me. We’ll be working for the same company soon, hopefully.”

Kim Namjoon just told me to call him oppa. FAM. I nearly died.

“Understood, oppa.” I replied. “So, do you wanna rap? If you wanna sing, I’m sure it’d be easy for me to find something, or did you have a song in mind?”

He looked at me, “It’s your path, so I think you should choose the song. I’m just here to back you up.”

I nodded, “Yeah, but if we’re doing a duet then we should both have moments where we shine, not just me. You aren’t just a featured artist on this, Joon-ie, um, oppa.” I corrected myself.

The blonde covered his mouth in thought or to hide his blush. I couldn’t tell since I was too busy trying to suppress my own.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

“It’s fine.”

A moment of quiet.

I hated the silence, so I said, “I know you didn’t come in here expecting me to come up with the song and everything. You like being prepared, so share it with me.”

The face he made lead me to think I had said something wrong or rude, so I was about to apologize when he giggled. Then he spoke as he attached his laptop to the TV. I watched as his hands slid and tapped the trackpad.

“You’re so amazingly straightforward. Do you really know us so well?” He looked up at the screen as youtube came up. He had a playlist of female Korean artists that he had wanted me to cover. “I can always come up with a rap if you have one you like but there’s not one in it, and I wouldn’t mind singing.”

“Oh, that’d be fun, too! You have such a good voice!”

I noted the tips of his ears getting red and he gave me a small head bow, “Really? Thank you, Iris.”

I smiled and we listened through the songs. I liked the Heize ones even though we’d probably have to change the key to a lower one. However, those weren’t really…love songs. More yearning songs or breakup songs. Basically a Korean Taylor Swift but I liked the music that this Korean artist was making.

After the 10th song, I still wasn’t feeling anything. We didn’t have forever, so he asked what I was looking for.

“At this point I’m thinking it might be impossible, but something like the song Loco and Hwasa-sunbaenims did.”

He tilted his head, “Don’t Give it to Me?”

I nodded, “Yeah. Pretty even lines. A bit more of a back and forth instead of just a small rap segment. I don’t think many of those exist, though.”

Namjoon shook his head, “I can’t think of any right now, either. Would it be ok to do that song? It’s not a love song, though.”

“Well, it kind of is.” Then I sighed and got embarrassed. “I know how to explain it in English, but I don’t wanna–”

“It’s ok. I know English.”

I looked at him, “I know you know English, but I don’t wanna make you have to think about speaking in a different language when we’re doing pretty good in the one you’re comfortable with.”

He smiled at me, “But you’re more comfortable in English, and this is your performance.”

“Ok…so it’s like a love song to me because they want to be their true selves when meeting and not drunk, no airs of trying to be something they aren’t.” I explained as I paced the room. “Loco says he doesn’t want to drink. Hwasa doesn’t want him buying her a drink. It’s like, ‘cut the bullshit because I wanna know you for you no matter how rough’…”

I looked at his eyes that watched me intently and then looked away.

“At least, that’s how one could see it.”

Namjoon nodded, “Yeah, but it’s a bit of a stretch. I think it’d be best to be more straightforward with this. Maybe we can cover it another time.”

I couldn’t help the smile that came upon my face, “You’d like to sing together outside of this?”

He scrunched his nose, “Absolutely! You’re a great performer! Your voice is amazing!”

My hands flew to my cheeks as they got hotter, “Thank youuuuu! I’m the luckiest girl in the world right now. Kim Namjoon just said my voice was amazing.” I hopped up and down for a bit. “Anyways, yeah, sorry. Where were we?”

RM laughed and called me cute. My heart couldn’t take this! Ah!

“If we’re being straightforward, then we probably need something with love in the title? Or is that too obvious?”

He had an idea. A great idea. His fingers typed up a song by Dean. It was called “I Love it” and featured an artist called Dok2. I didn’t really listen to male solo artists all that much, so I didn’t know this song at all. I did recognize Dean’s name, though. He clicked on a lyric video.

“I really like that song. Definitely on the yes list.” I then pointed to the screen. “What’s this one? It has a girl in it, so it might be easier?”

He clicked on a brightly colored video called “Swing” by someone names Lucy and a guy called Park Kyung. The into music made me dance with my shoulders. I was in love with it, but the video didn’t have lyrics in English. I could only read a few of the words before they changed to the next part. Namjoon-oppa explained it to me.

“It’s about a girl who is so in love that she feels like she’s always on a swing. I think she might actually be on a swing because of the beginning. It says she goes to a playground. So I guess it’s more like being on it reminds her of the love she feels with the person she’s with.”

I pouted, “That’s so cuuuteee! Ah, right, what about the rap part?”

He gave me a smile as he replied, “The guy agrees with her and says he’ll push her from behind on the swings and that no matter how rough things get, he’ll always find a way to work it out with her to see the sun again.”

“Oh my gosh, I love it! I even have an idea for the set on stage and everything. Do you like it? They’re both so good though.”

“It seems you like this one more, though. I think it also fits you more.”

My eyes met his, “How?”

“It’s bouncy and happy and has lots of life in it. The lyrics are repetitive, but it feels very refreshing every time.” He leaned back and tapped his chin, “Then again, you surprise us every week with a new side of you.”

“Thank you.” I nodded, “The rap seems really short, though, in comparison. Is there a place where you can find English lyrics or something we can print out on one page?”

He started to type again, “Yeah, why?”

“Because I know you have a lot of work to do already. I don’t wanna pile writing another rap, but this song needs it. We can create our own back and forth, sort of. Replace one repetitive verse with a rap verse instead and it’ll improve the quality overall.” I turned back to look at him.

The look on his face was one of surprise but intrigue as well, “I like that idea. Also, don’t worry about me. My schedule is clear this week just so that I can work with you. A few things here and there, but you’re my main focus for the next seven days.” He scratched his neck. “Well you and this performance, I mean.”

I giggled, “I know what you meant, oppa.”

We clicked on what brought us to English lyrics after we scrolled down a bit.

>   
We have a cup of coffee today  
A tented cafe view  
There is no gaze.  
I think God is my child.
> 
> It’s good to go out.  
A little walk  
My leg hurts.  
I was going to sit in the playground for a while.  
I want to ride for a long time.
> 
> Oh Swing Swing  
Swing Swing Swing  
This feeling of flying  
Now walking on the clouds with you  
Take me to a higher place.
> 
> And higher higher  
I’ll go up together with the two of you.
> 
> <strike>Oh Swing Swing</strike>  
Swing Swing Swing  
This feeling of flying  
Now walking on the clouds with you  
Take me to a higher place.  
And higher and higher 
> 
> When I get closer to the sky  
Feeling is standing in front of the bungee jump  
Fly to the sky  
This feeling of tightening the heart  
I wrapped my hand on the swing  
In your hands  
My heart is a dancing trumpet
> 
> It’s good to go out.  
Walk a little further.  
The sun is setting and the light is beautiful  
Watch TV at home  
I’ll follow you and play
> 
> Oh Swing Swing  
Swing Swing Swing  
This feeling of flying  
Now walking on the clouds with you  
Take me to a higher place.
> 
> And higher higher  
Two
> 
> Rap Verse:
> 
> Yeah, hit the ball.  
I’ll push you gently from behind.  
That feeling in the face  
It’s sparkling.  
Even if it gets bumpy  
We’ll be fine  
I’ll try to reach the climax.
> 
> When the sun comes  
I feel good
> 
> Oh Swing Swing  
Swing Swing Swing  
This feeling of flying  
Now walking on the clouds with you  
Take me to a higher place.  
And higher higher  
I’ll go up together with the two of you.
> 
> Oh Swing Swing  
Swing Swing Swing  
This feeling of flying  
Now walking on the clouds with you  
Take me to a higher place.  
And higher and higher  


Once we chopped that one part out, we decided instead of writing a whole rap right now, he could just sing that verse himself for more diversity. I was happy because I wanted to hear his singing voice. We typed up the changes to parts and such and sent it in. Then we were free to go.

Kyung explained, “Tomorrow, you two will learn the lyrics and if you’re confident enough, we can schedule you in for a costume consultation. The day after is when the choreographer should have something for the two of you to do. If you want, feel free to send ideas for what you want the set to look like, but they’ll be no meeting for that unless absolutely required. Got it?”

We nodded, “Yes.”

He looked as us, “Good. Now, let’s get you fed and into bed. You’ve got a busy week ahead of you.”

I bowed, “It was nice meeting you today. I’m looking forward to working with you this week, Namjoon-sunbaenim.”

“I am as well, Iris-ssi.” He smiled and left with a couple of bodyguards.

Jesus Christ. I was in love.

Later that night, we all snuck into the Red Room to talk about who we were working with. While the others talked, I listened but also sketched a possible set idea for the performance.

There’d be a swing on stage. It’d be set up like a small park. A lamp or two where we could frolic around and maybe a park bench or a bush or something. Maybe a fountain? I was drawing a simple one when I felt a tap on my leg.

“Iris,” like two different voices called out to me.

“Yea?” I looked up. Everyone was staring at me.

Lyssa spoke, “What’s Namjoon like?”

“Adorable.” I replied, setting my stuff down. “Like, we mostly focused on searching for a song because it was really difficult finding something that fit what I was looking for. He nudged me in the right direction, though. Made me realize that I probably wouldn’t get what I wanted perfectly.”

I smiled thinking about him, “I really hope we get to talk more personally. He called me cute when I got all excited over the song we chose. Said it really fit my bouncy and positive attitude. I don’t know how to breathe around him because he takes my breath away. He’s soooo nice too.”

Everyone smiled and giggled.

Sooja commented, “Are you sure it was your attitude he was calling bouncy?” and nudged my arm.

We all giggled like high school girls talking about the hottest boys in school. I them him how he made my heart stop with his smile and that he called my voice amazing.

“I could barely breathe!” I replied.

They asked what I was sketching, and I showed them my set idea. I also explained a bit to them about why things were there. Soon enough, we got texts from our managers telling us to go to bed. We got caught, oops. I put my drawing on my nightstand and fell asleep. Swing swing swing swing swing swing playing on repeat in my head.

### Friday, 7:30am

My alarm went off. My second alarm. I must’ve slept through my first one. My manager told me to get dressed in something cute and simple because Namjoon wanted breakfast with me. I was too happy to pout about the short notice. Simple…simple…cute and simple. Not much of the stuff in my closet was simple. I would be eating, so I didn’t want to wear anything white.

Checking my phone, it would be a chilly morning. Sweater then. I’d wear my baby blue sweater under my blue teddy bear overall dress thing. I did minimal makeup because there’d probably be cameras. Foundation, eyeliner, and some mlbb lip tint. Gosh, it was very Korean. It was just breakfast.

I laughed at myself and fixed my fro, clipping in a bow before heading out to meet Namjoon at a small eatery outside of Seoul. It was very hard to find which was probably perfect for him. A chance to get away and just be. Not be recognized.

“Hello.” I said and bowed to him.

He did the same, setting his coffee on the table before standing. My partner asked how I slept, and I told him it was well even though the girls and I spent the night talking. I showed him the sketch I made of the set after we ordered pancakes.

“Wow. You’re so creative. Where are the microphones, though?”

“Oh my gosh, I forgot microphones.”

“It’s ok. I don’t wanna talk about work now anyways.” He handed the paper back to me.

I looked at him, “What did you wanna talk about, oppa?”

He looked at my face, “You.”

My cheeks got hot, “W-What do you mean?”

“Well, you share a lot of stories on camera and with the world. Just enough to make them think they know you, but now that I met you I realized. I don’t know you at all, Iris. I’m even calling you Iris instead of your birth name.”

“Because it’s easier. I don’t have a Korean name yet, so it’s ok. I’m used to people not being able to pronounce my birth name.”

He pouted, “I don’t like that. What’s your name?”

“It doesn’t matter. I just–”

“Please?” Namjoon tilted his head gently and his eyes were pleading, dripping with curiosity.

“Farai.” I said. “My name is Farai.”

“Far…eye?”

I shook my head, “Fah-rye.””

He tried again, “Fuh-rye.”

“Close enough.” I shrugged.

“No~” the gentle giant said. “I wanna do it right.”

Our pancakes came out and we thanked the server. She was a cute old lady who had hands that shook. We smiled and were patient. It was worth it when she told us to enjoy our meal and then walked off with her little rolling tray to the next table who had a set order.

Namjoon looked at me again, “One more chance?”

“Ok, so it’s like do-ray-me-fa…”

“Fa”

“Rye”

“Rye. Fa-rye. Farai?” He asked.

I blinked. Did he just…?

“Farai. Your name is Farai?”

I nodded and hid my face in my hands, “I’m way too happy hearing you say my name. My heart won’t stop racing, and I’m so warm. Ah!” I fanned myself and felt my cheeks.

He chuckled, “Shall we eat?”

“Yes.” I grabbed my fork and knife. “Let’s dig in!” I said in Japanese.

“You know Japanese?”

“A bit.” I answered, cutting into the fluffy stack. “Failed the class in college but picked up a few things from anime. Like cursing and basic manners.” Then I had a foodgasm that a certain red headed cook would be proud of.

“So good!” I exclaimed!

He was just smiling at me, and I told him to dig in. He did and then we went to his studio in the dorms to start learning lyrics since the others would be out most of the day. His own apartment wasn’t set up yet.

It took a while, but Namjoon was really supportive. Whenever it felt like I was gonna explode for not getting the pronunciation down again, he’d just say in a low lulling voice.

“Take your time. You’ll still get there.”

I did. By 2pm, I had been able to get through the whole song with near perfect pronunciation. RM said he’d treat me to lunch which was some rice cake soup. He asked me questions about my relationships with everyone in the dorms. I used the term house, but they were basically co-ed dorms. I was more honest about my feelings than I would ever be on the show or in front of them. It felt like I could trust him not to blab.

“I am not really sure how to feel about Sooja. I like her and I think she’s cool and all, but she’s so pretty. She’s literally perfect, and it makes me mad? I don’t know how to say it. Like, it’s unfair to be that attractive and that nerdy.”

“By that last part, I would think that you’re talking about yourself.” He told me about the times when I’d reference anime or musicals in my packages.

That wasn’t what I expected, “Do I really do it that much? I hadn’t realized.”

He showed me a few fanmade videos of me and the others. “Everytime someone on Deify mentions anime” and “Iris and her love of musical theatre” I laughed when there was a counter for the amount of times I said “Lin Manuel-Miranda” and the final total was over 30. I was shooketh.

Then it was back to work. He had to leave for a bit to talk to someone, so I fangirled in silence to the cameras that were recording all around. We only turned them on when working and not eating. When he came back, I was singing the song as best I could, keeping the rhythm by lifting myself up on my foot.

“Cute.” He said, and I looked back at him with a smile. “You’re doing very good. So much progress in such a short time.”

“Thanks, oppa.”

“You’re welcome.” He replied and looked at his phone. “Oh, right. My manager wants a pic of the set you drew.”

I let him take a pic after taking the notebook page out of my pink 2D messenger bag. Then he asked what concept I was thinking of. I told him flapper era because it did have a bit of a swing dance vibe. He looked at his tablet at some of the pictures I had pulled up. There were long flapper dresses specified to yellow. He asked why I had chosen this color specifically and I said it was because of what he said yesterday…earlier today.

I was bouncy and bright like the color yellow and also longer so I looked more like a singer than a dancer. He changed the color to red and held it up in front of me.

He asked, “You wore red before, didn’t you?”

“Second week. Adam Lambert’s ‘Strut’ I wore red, yes.”

“Righhtt. Jin-hyung loved that performance. I’m pretty sure he voted for you that week.” He said, scrolling through pics. “He really likes rock music.”

I giggled, “Yep. I know.”

My phone rang before he could ask what else I knew about them. Alice was asking where something in my room was. Basically whose dresser was which because Jun borrowed something of hers and hadn’t returned it. I didn’t realize how many hand movements I was doing until Namjoon was imitating me.

I playfully pouted at him. He laughed.

### Friday, 6pm

Now that we were actually at costuming, we had so many swatches. So many different colors to choose from. Sirab told us not to do yellow because it would look too similar to my golden goddess dress from Ballad Week. So I thought that maybe blue or red would be nice.

“What about white?” Namjoon asked. “I think it’d work and really make you stand out because of the contrast. All your beautifully dark features sort of draped in purity.”

As we talked to Sirab and looked up references, I was still partial to yellow but we ended up going with white. It would make me so dazzling on stage. My stylist assured me he’d put the pearls on the dress himself.The two of us saved pics that we liked for style references. I tried on some heels and headbands during our visit too. We’d meet up again on Sunday to check on the progress.

When Namjoon and I headed out, it was pretty late. My phone said 9:12pm. Very close to curfew. He opened the car door for me. Such a gentleman. I got in and he scooted in next to me. We talked all the way back to my living quarters, switching between English and Korean effortlessly. It was so comfortable talking to him, especially when he started to speak exclusively in English while I’d answer in choppy Korean.

It was super cute the way we sometimes asked each other for help. Although the language part of it was kind of difficult, the flow of words was easy. He called me by my birth name and it made my heart soar every time.

Dinner was homemade pizza. I got to find out who the guys were working with because as soon as I entered, Alice called my name.

“Iris, guess who your dongsaeng is performing with?” she said in reference to the tall black haired Korean.

“Who?” I asked as I sat down next to him.

Tristan beamed, “Chung Ha.”

“WHAT? That’s amazing! I love Chung Ha!” I shook my fists excitedly. “What song are you doing?”

“We’re doing ‘Love You’ and turning it into a duet. We spent all last night splitting up lyrics in a way that it’d sound nice for a masculine voice.” He said and took a sip of his juice. “She’s so pretty!”

I made that kkkkhhh sound Koreans make when they like something, “I’m so excited to see you perform that. It’s not my fave Chung Ha song, but yes. I can’t wait.”

James asked, “What song are you doing, Farai? Are we gonna see your rapping debut in ‘Trivia: Love’?”

I laughed, “No. We’re doing a song called ‘Swing’ that I’ve never heard before but it’s really nice.”

Sooja perked up, “Lucy and Park Kyung ‘Swing’ you mean?” When I nodded, she squealed. “Oh my gosh, that is _perfect_ for you!”

We spent dinner listening to each other’s songs and asking how it was changed and stuff. Our unofficial leader Hyojoon was talking about how he was getting to perform “Can You Hear Me” with Jessica Ho herself when I got a text from Namjoon. Like me. I got a legit text from Kim Namjoon, leader of the world’s biggest idol boy group.

I put my phone up, “James, Namjoon and Jin say the food looks delicious. I sent them a pic.”

He stared at me, “What? Did they really?”

“Yep. I hope you can cook with Jin-sunbaenim someday.”

“That’d be a dream come true!” he ran his hand over his hair.

Gina said, “Wait, wait, wait, are we missing something? She just casually texted RM-sunbaenim right in front of us.”

Alice raised her brow, “Anything you wanna tell us?”

I shrugged, “We have choreo scheduled for tomorrow, and he wanted to get lunch beforehand.” I took another bite of the leafy pizza. “What?”

Jun looked at me, “How do you say that, in English? Ship something?”

James and Alice said in unison, “I ship it.”

“If you two get together, you have to invite us to your wedding.” Gina added

I laughed, “You guys are so silly! We’re just working together this week. I’m not dating him even though that would be a dream come true. He’s my ideal type after all if you just mixed in a bit more pda.”

Sooja laughed, “If I’m not mistaken, Matt would make a musical reference right about now.”

Tristan replied with a quote from Hamilton, “‘Ohh, I do I do I do I Dooo!’”

My cheeks were so hot. I decided to turn the attention on Hallakgungi and ask him what it was like working with Queen Jessi. He couldn’t stop gushing about how beautiful her voice was and how great her sense of humor was.

“Oh, so we were working on lyrics today, and we got it done pretty quickly, so we headed to the sound booth. She started playing with my hair on the way there and asked me my hair routine and how I got it so white. Asked if she should try dying her hair a new color. I got a heart boner … and a literal boner but that’s besides the point.” He beamed. “I really like when people play with my hair. It’s one of the reasons I grew it out. But to…to have JESSI herself play with it… kkkkkhhhh”

He was a ball of excitement, and we were so glad for him. James started talking about how Jay Park was such a nice dude.

“However,” He said as Sooja and Tristan did the dishes. “I almost called him cute like puppy cute or like a fairy. Cuz compared to me, the man is tiny, ok? Like literally half muh size. Dude’s basically a doll and his smile is like dozens of tiny angels.”

“Awww, that’s so cute!” Alice cooed. “Jae is so nice. I know he’s a bit shy or whatever since we don’t know each other, but we cracked a few jokes. Hopefully we’ll be friends after this. I nearly stepped on his glasses, though.”

Sooja did a double take, “Wait, what?”

The blonde explained, “He had them in his backpack because he was wearing contacts at first. I tripped on my own foot and as I was trying to right myself, my foot landed like half a centimeter away from his bag.”

We all commented on how messy that would’ve been and excitedly chattered for the rest of the time we were awake.

### Sunday, 3pm

“Oppa, you’re still messing up on that part.” I said watching him from the side while we were supposed to be taking a break. The honorific of familiarity came easily from my lips now that we had worked together for two whole days together.

“I do it better with a partner.” He held his hand out.

I set my water bottle down and fixed my shorts. Today I was wearing what I had originally planned to wear yesterday to our lunch before Jun got involved. The lace Gucci shorts and a dark blue tank top.

The two of us were now using an actual swing set for practice. It had that hard flat plastic brick for seats instead of the rubber ones. It was better for being certain where the seat was and that it wasn’t too low or anything. I was in my black Mary Janes that I brought from home to make sure I was practicing in heels.

Namjoon and I danced for a few seconds before he spun me towards the microphone so that I could sing again. He was so cute in the way where he wouldn’t let go of my hand until I had my other hand on the mic stand. That turned out to be a good idea because one time I missed the stand. I would’ve kept turning and been more out of time if it weren’t for him anchoring me and stopping me short of another rotation.

“One more time!” The choreographer called.

“Ok!” We replied.

Joon had a firm chest and smelled like milk, honey, and vanilla. Maybe the vanilla was from me, but it was rubbing off on him. His scent was comforting and subtle. If I had not been literally two inches away from him then I would never had known. I scrunched my nose at him since his face was so serious. He couldn’t help but smile.

“Spin!”

And then he spun me out. I grabbed the microphone correctly this time.

“5 minute break and then we’re back at it.”

I grabbed my peach patterned water bottle which actually had strawberries and honey water inside. It helped me stay healthy all while boosting my metabolism and satisfying my sweet tooth for a short moment.

“I really am glad I get to do this with you.” I said. “So many people. You can meet so many people, have a tiny bit of conversation and then maybe never see them again. However, not many people get to work with you, get to talk to you. Although you’ve got a bit of difficult language to understand sometimes, it’s who you are and I’m glad I get to know that about you in person.”

He smiled at me, “Really? Even if it’s hard to understand me you like hearing me talk?”

I nodded, “Yep. You’re so cute and passionate.” I pinched his cheek. “No wonder I’m love with you.” My voice was half joking, and I wanted to see him blush.

“You wouldn’t be the first person to proclaim their undying love for me.” Namjoon chuckled.

I laughed and shoved his arm. We went through the dance again for half an hour. He noticed my arm getting tiny boils on them. I sighed when I saw what his gaze caught. I got heat rash sometimes when my body warmed up too much.

“V gets the same thing.” He smiled. “Make sure to take a cold shower when we’re done.”

I smiled at him not sure what to reply. We were done soon after and started to pack up.

“Iris-ssi, wear long skirts to the rest of practices. We gotta make sure you can do the moves while dressed like you will be during the show.” She said.

“I will make sure to do so.” I replied as I packed up.

After practice, we took showers and there was more than one reason why this cold shower was helpful.

Once we were back into our normal clothes, Namjoon asked if I‘d have dinner with him and the other boys because they really wanted to meet me. I was super excited until I realized Yoongi was a judge who would most likely be there, then there were the other plans being discussed in the group chat.

I sighed, “I would love to, but I should really practice on the opening with others tonight.” I gave him a small smile. “Also it’d be super weird if I had a meal with Yoongi-sunbaenim. So maybe another time.”

I bowed to him and he bowed back. It was so weird not hugging people hello and goodbye. Maybe if we got closer someday, but I doubted it.

### Sunday, 5:10pm

Once at the studio, the young boys of TXT were waiting with Gina and Alice. The seven of them laughing. We bowed and waited for Sooja to arrive.

When she did, we headed to the sound booth. It was a simple concept. The girls singing with famous boys and the boys singing with idol girls. If they were meeting at the same time, then Jun, Tristan, James, and Hyojoon were meeting with EXID. TXT had released an upbeat love song for Summer last year called “Puppy Love” that we’d be doing.

Our outfit concept was high school uniforms with ears, tails, and maybe gloves. Us girls would be poodles and the boys would be dalmations. They already had those dalmation outfits, so we chose our own dogs to be. We were getting sent rough drafts of the outfit pieces when we saw Sooja.

It was about 30 minutes into recording when I asked Soobin, “Would it be too much to ask for me to do the rap with you? It was easy for me to learn, and I’d like to try rapping at least once.”

“I don’t mind. It’d be fun to do it together.”

We looked at PDogg who said, “Lemme hear you first.”

I nodded and stood in front of the mic. He let the music play a few moments before the rap began. I took a deep breath.

Everyone calls me a mutt/ When they see me with you but/The say you take care of me/makes me feel like pure breed/Yeah the two of us are like family/Like we’re meant to be/Endless possibilities yeah

I looked at them, “How’d I do?”

“Uhm, yeah. That’s good, like really good. You two work on being more in sync with that while I get the vocals for the others.” PDogg suggested, as unreadable as ever.

Soobin and I went outside of the studio to decide to do the rap bit literally at the same time. In unison, so we worked on making our flows more similar but we were also harmonizing. I leaned more to his natural style–the one that was recorded–because that’s the one I knew. Once we came back, I was put into the booth with Hueningkai so that we could record the first verse together and then with Beomgyu to do the one right after the rap section.

It was a really good session. Ones where we already knew the song sort of were always faster than when we didn’t.

### Monday, 9:07am

I was a few minutes late for my hair appointment due to traffic . It would be done in a 1920s style, but if we’re honest, I’ve never seen a natural hair style for that time period. I was prepared for her to break out the relaxer. Instead, we were able to do one of the most iconic looks from the Roaring 20s thanks to videos made in 2015 by Lovelyn Appiah and Golden Poise.

My hair was braided as Kei giggled, “We’re just gonna do it the night of, so we’re making sure your hair is as loose as possible. The video said stretched, but that didn’t sound good to me. Your hair is so very thick and strong. We’ve just gotta make it malleable.”

“What about the opening with TXT? We haven’t decided on that yet.” I brought up

“It’s gonna be the same look without the bottom part done yet.” She put her chin in her hand. “I’m thinking maybe we should rebraid it so that we can train the top part a bit better. Yeah, do that. It’ll help both looks. We can do a pink wig since it’s your color and matches the outfit I saw you’ll be wearing.”

I tilted my head, “A wig?”

My hair stylist nodded, “A pink afro wig. That way all we gotta do is take it off and do touch ups for the hair under. A bun won’t make too much difference with the quality of wigs we have. It’s not a large bun either.”

“We can try it.” I said. “What kind of afro?” I asked half expecting it to be a clown wig but in a solid pink.

“BRB” Kei went and disappeared into the wig closet around the corner.

A few pins and a wig cap later, I liked it. The wig looked good and more me than the straight black one I wore a few weeks ago. Made me wanna dye my hair even more to its pastel pink tone. So, I’d be wearing a wig again. This time, on my own terms and just for the opening number. I wore it to costuming where pics were taken with the rest of the outfit (ears, tails, and yes, furry paw-like gloves) for studio approval.

Back to hair and makeup to take the wig off and get a dramatic smokey eye done with ruby lips. Then the dress was put on me. I wasn’t allowed to look until it was on, but I could tell some more work had been done since it was heavier than before. The part around my legs especially.

When I was told to look, I gasped.

Silver beading was sewn onto the outline of the petals and part of the body was done as well, making it look so good. I swished my hips to see how it would move. Sirab, Keit, and four assistants were looking at me.

“Do you like it?” Sirab asked.

“Yea!” I said. “I look so beautiful. It’s not as long as I wanted, but I’ll be dancing more than I expected, so it works. Shoes are a bit tight at the tip, though.”

Bin-ah took down notes as Sirab asked, “Anything else?”

I looked at myself at all possible angles, “Beading is not done yet, right?”

“Right. It’s not too heavy, is it?”

“Heavier than I expected, but not too hard to move in.” I said. “I can’t wait to see it finished.”

He smiled, “Then come back Wednesday to see it. I’ll contact Kyung as soon as it’s done. Anything else? We don’t want a repeat of last time. If anything makes you uncomfortable, let me know.”

“Nothing uncomfortable, just…”

I looked at myself over the shoulder and felt the heat of a human hand resting on my back as though Namjoon were holding me right then and there. I swallowed as Sirab asked me what it is I wanted to say.

“Can we get a lower back? Just a bit?” I asked, looking at him.

The stylist raised an eyebrow, “Any reason?”

I struggled not to make my smile too big and took a sneaky look at the camera in the room, “Yes. I kinda want it to be drapey, too.” and I turned around not to make eye contact with anyone.

“Lower back it is,” Sirab said. “Time to undress. Bin-ah will help you since the others are busy with their own work.”

He handed his tablet to Sirab and then smiled at me, “It’s my dress, so I just wanna make sure nothing happens to it. Please don’t be concerned. I’m a professional first.”

Once I had back on my clothes, short camo overalls with a black shirt underneath, I saw him continue on adding beads and rhinestones to the dress, carefully snipping the thread.

“What’s your name?” I asked, making him jump even though he would be able to see me approaching if he was paying attention.

We both apologized, and he said, “Sorry, can you say that again?”

“What is your name? Sirab just calls you Bin-ah, so I was wondering what your actual name was.”

“My name is Hanbin. We are the same age, you and I.”

“Does that mean I can talk casually to you?” I asked.

He nodded, “Of course. I’ve always wanted to tell you this. Your accent is really good.”

I smiled, “Oh, thanks! I’ve been working hard on it.” I said as I sat down to watch him work. “Do you watch the show at all?”

Hanbin replied, “Yeah. Gotta look at my future clients. Also you’re really cute. Um, I mean, all of you are really cute. Great performers and stuff.”

My phone beeped. “Gotta go. Make sure to vote for me, Hanbin-ah.”

He couldn’t help but smile, “I always do.”

I stopped in my tracks, “OMG, really?”

Hanbin nodded and looked at me.

I gasped, “Thank you!” and left out the automatic sliding doors.

People actually voted for me! I mean, of course they did or I wouldn’t still be in the competition, but it was hard to actually believe a real live person liked me so much. When people voted for someone, it meant ‘I wanna see more of this person’ and it was just a great feeling to know there was someone who felt like that. I had been using a lot of my star power today.

### Monday, 2pm

Namjoon was late for our recording session by an hour. It was ok. RM was the busy leader of a very busy group. Probably working on a comeback or something and lost track of time. I worked on my part while I was waiting with Yujin in the studio. Our old tack had some corruption problems, so we had to record it again. Also, it probably didn’t sound as good and clear as it needed to be for the show.

I had my eyes closed and my left hand on my headphone as I sang, “날이 좋은데 밖으로 나가서 / 좀 더 걸어요 / 어느새 해는 지고 불빛이 아름다워요 / 집에 있는 TV 맛있는 저녁보다 / 그대를 / 따라가 놀 거야 / Oh Swing Swing Swing Swing Swing Swing / 날아 가는 이 기분 / 너와 함–”

Yujin was beaming at me and it threw me off. It shocked me how big his smile was and made me jerk back even though I caught the music again.

“You ok?” He asked, stopping the music and looking behind himself. “You looked surprised at something.”

“I just wasn’t expecting you to be looking at me like that.”

“Ah, sorry. You’ve just improved so much since the start of this whole thing. Much more stable and your confidence is blooming! I’m just in awe.” He leaned forward. “I’m so proud of you, Iris.”

I curtsied, “Why, thank you, kind sir.”

We laughed and his attention was taken by something, “Let him in. We’re still here.” Then he pressed the button to speak to me again. “He’s here. Let’s redo the part before I surprised you while he makes his way up.”

“Joon?”

“Yup. Your bias~” He mocked me from an interview that was done before I entered the studio.

I scoffed, “Play music.”

Namjoon came in while we were listening to the playback of my voice. It sounded so much better than my voice, but it was mine. He had seven different colored roses in a bouquet in his hand.

“For you,” He said, handing them to me. “They didn’t have rainbow roses and I couldn’t just decide on just one color. Sorry for being late.”

My eyes widened them, “Thank you. It’s fine, really. Wow. I’m speechless.”

Yujin said, “What? Nothing for me?” with a huge pout on his face.

Namjoon handed him a baby blue gift bag, “I heard you liked chocolate scones.”

He smiled, “Forgiven. Get in there.”

We had to get this done by midnight. By this, I mean record both our parts perfectly and then mix it and then listen and approve the final cut to send it in for studio approval. It would probably take until dinner to finish it all if we did one takes. Joon-ie was rather quick with his rap section, but Yujin kept stopping him during his vocal bit.

The former child actor sighed, “I know you aren’t a singer–”

“And you aren’t a music producer…” The idol shot back.

I did the ‘yikes’ eyes even though neither of them were focused on me and sat up straighter in the small sofa that was in the studio. Although I didn’t know much Korean, I could understand a beef when I heard one.

“Mmm, yes. But I’m learning.” Yujin said. “You just need to be half as good as Iris since that’s who you’re performing with. Not asking for much.” He leaned back and turned off his mic.

I spoke, “You’re being rude.” My arms were folded as I leaned forward to make sure he heard me over his ego.

“No. You just have a soft spot for him.” He spoke again to the frustrated Namjoon. “Let’s go again.”

“Wrong.” I said. “I would even get mad at you if you spoke to Imani like this.”

“Before or after the strap broke?”

I glared at him, “That wasn’t her fault.”

“Mmmhmm.” He turned back around.

I rolled my eyes. Joon-ie was doing his best. I knew he was. Looking at him take a sip of water gave my mind enough time to wander and come up with an idea. I scooted up and pressed a few buttons. My warmup track came on, a fully English version of “Moonchild” Namjoon looked up at me surprised. I couldn’t hear him, but I could tell he was asking if it was my voice. I nodded and blushed.

“Don’t worry about what Yujin-oppa says and just do your best, Moonchild.” I said and stopped the song. “I’ll be back. Bathroom.”

So I stepped out for a bit to allow my face to return to its normal temperature. Also to keep Mother Nature’s monthly gift from ruining my camo overalls.

### Monday, 10:01pm | Yujin POV

“You have a crush on her?” Namjoon asked the man currently in charge of him, me.

“Yeah. A small one. She’s perfection,” I bit my lip unable to hide this obvious truth. “But I’m going to be professional until we can be together, if that’s what she wants.”

The idol scoffed, “Getting jealous of her idol who brought flowers and food isn’t the way to go. I have great admiration for Farai. Don’t make things difficult for her.”

I eyed the younger celeb, “It wasn’t my intention.” and matched his low level of respect.

“Sure. Anyways, do not do anything that will ruin your career or the career of an innocent girl a second time.” He said.

There was nothing I could say to that. I had made my amends and done the best I could, but even after you glue a vase back together and sweep the floor, shards still linger. I would never make Iris go through what she went through.

### Wednesday, 1pm | Iris POV

I was amazed at how good the dress looked on me now that it was finished. I couldn’t stop staring and I hugged Hanbin who let out a surprised sound. I quickly apologized for doing so without permission. It was perfection, flowed well, felt stable, actually lighter than the last time I tried it on. At least that’s how it felt. The back wasn’t too low. I’d be wearing lace gloves and a 20s bejeweled headband.

It was dress rehearsal, so Gina, Sooja, Alice and I were waiting in our poodle outfits. They matched our colors and were basically the same skirt with pastel leggings, slip on shoes, and dress shirt. We also had fur bracelets and anklets. Poodle tails hung from the back of our skirts at various lengths. For ears, they were pinned in our hair just over where our real ears were.

We couldn’t help but laugh at ourselves. The TXT boys were dressed as white and blue dalmations. All of us had our noses painted as well as our lips. We were all ready to go for “Puppy Love” Live!

The four of us contestants basically had to get our makeup done from scratch when we were done with the opening. There was no judge critique after that, so we could just bow and then rush off stage to change. It was a bit of a panic, but it had to be done. To get things done quickly, we’d use makeup removing wipes while taking off our jackets and shoes. Then we’d get changed into outfit two once the makeup was off. Afterwards, it was straight into the chairs for makeup look #2.

So it went like perform → strip costume #1 & makeup #1 → costume #2 → makeup #2. This meant that the whole first half of the show would be performed by the guys and Jun. They didn’t have any real complicated makeup for their big number with EXID, so there was less of a rush.

Namjoon looked amazing in his gray pinstripe suit, yellow vest, and white dress shirt. He really did match with me well.

“Wow, Iris.” He said. “You look…so pretty!”

I spun, “Thank you. You look dashing.”

“Dashing? Like I’ve been running?”

“Handsome. It’s old slang. Though I guess swanky would be the more appropriate term.” I giggled. “That means handsome, but in a classier sense.”

Namjoon asked, “Does it make me look like an 엄친아?”

I tilted my head, “What?”

Yujin laughed, “You two are the only people I know who would tease each other in two different languages. By the way, you guys look amazing!”

“Thanks,” I said, still a teeny bit mad for how he treated my partner yesterday. “The dress came out great. We’ve got a talented staff.”

“You sure do!” He said quite awkwardly. “I’m most excited to see your performance tonight.”

Namjoon smiled, “Thanks, man.”

“Noona, you look amazing!” Tristan showed up in a cute Hawaiian shirt and khakis.

“You look, pfft. Oh my gosh!” I covered my mouth.

He had a fake sunburn on his face in the shape of glasses, and he couldn’t help but smile at my reaction.

“You…that. That’s great. I love it.”

He giggled, “Thanks. We’re just trying it tonight and seeing what the director thinks. Hopefully, it’s not too goofy. I can’t wait until Chung Ha sunbaenim sees.”

“Can’t wait until I see what?” She said from behind him in a flowy cold shoulder dress.

Tristan turned around and watched her reaction. She gasped and covered her mouth, getting him to lean forward for her to get a closer look.

“It’s not real, is it?” She poked his cheek cautiously. “It’s makeup, right?”

He nodded, “Yeah, it’s makeup.”

Chung Ha laughed, “Oh my gosh! I was so startled when I first saw it, and I was gonna say at least it matches the beach theme.” She kept staring. “They did such a good job.”

“RM and Iris, you two are up next!” a stage manager called.

We told the others we’d see them later and then went to stand in the On Board area while being able to watch Sooja’s performance with Jeongyeon of “Like a Star” where they were dressed in the same pattern but different clothes. The Twice idol was wearing pink and white chevron pants and a white top while Sooja was in a top with the same pattern and a solid white skirt that covered her knees. They sat on stools and my competitor played the guitar.

They sounded really good together. My hand grasped at the nearest thing which turned out to be Namjoon’s hand. He looked at me confused, and I turned to see what he was looking at before I pulled my hand away and bowed.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok.” He said, and I noticed his ears getting warm as he didn’t look at me and nervously scratched his neck before holding up his pinky.

I was confused. He wiggled it, and I interlocked mine with his. We held pinkies instead of hands and my heart was pounding in my chest. Namjoon was the most precious human being ever and I was lucky enough to have the chance of performing with him! I thanked whoever was up there for making this happen.

Once we were on stage, our package played. It showed how much fun we had at dance practice goofing around and stuff. It showed him being late and picking out flowers for me. I poured out my heart about how much he and this performance would mean to me, the young girl from Alabama who was turning her dreams into a reality.

“None of this would’ve happened if it weren’t for him.” They cut off the part where I said “And BTS and my childhood friend who introduced me to kpop in the first place.”

The rehearsal went well. I remember asking him if he was comfortable with having his hand on my literal back because I could get it changed if not. We were partners, and I wanted both of us to be comfortable. Namjoon said it surprised him a bit, but he made sure it was my choice to go for such a low back. Once I said it was, he smiled and said he was glad I trusted him.

“Are you sure you’re not uncomfortable with touching me like that?”

“I’m sure.” He laughed. “Makes me feel more confident when I’m leading you. Like I know you feel how I want you to move with me.”

I smiled and we went to costuming to relay the information about our outfits being perfect. Namjoon said he wanted to get the sole of his shoes checked, though because they kinda felt loose.

### Wednesday, 8pm

It wasn’t long until we were out of costume watching the boys perform in red suits and red lipstick with the EXID girls who were slaying their own looks. The only non idol in heels was Jun of course. I was slightly aroused by the sight of so many hot men in red lipstick. Especially when Tristan did that smirk and Hyojoon winked. James was having fun blowing kisses to the mostly empty audience too.

Once it was over, the 9 of them formed a heart out of their arms. Jun hugged James and told him that she was so proud of how he worked the stage and the red lipstick.

James grinned at him, “It’s all thanks to you. I don’t think I could ever be this confidence in red lipstick if it weren’t for all your help.”

Jun folded his hands under her own chin and acted cute, “Well, that’s because you were taught by the best.” He giggled.

“I hate this, but if it gets me in the final group, I’ll do it.” Hyojoon griped as he wiped his lips fiercely, trying to get the color off.

Tristan looked at himself in the mirror, “You look great, hyung. As for me, I think it might become a regular thing. Might experiment with my style and start doing more than tinted chapstick.”

“You know who to call if you need help, dear.” Jun beamed.

Suddenly, there were people running past. Running wasn’t good. I quickly followed and saw Gina being fanned by her manager and others telling us to back up and give her space to breathe. I asked the nearest person what happened.

Alice answered, “She’s dehydrated and passed out from heat exhaustion. I saw the symptoms and tried to get her to drink some water, but–”

“It’s not your fault, Alice.” I assured her. “She’ll be ok.”

“Out of the way!” A man’s voice called.

Paramedics quickly came to take care of her. We watched as she was taken to an ambulance with a small group of people. How were we supposed to go home and pretend everything was ok and practice with Gina having passed out? We weren’t allowed to go visit her, either. Our own managers made us practice the opening without her in the practice room three times before allowing us to get ready for bed.

Thursday, 1am  
It was a troublesome sleep. I ended up walking to the red room. Looked like I wasn’t the only one with that idea as Sooja and Alice were also in there. Jun was fast asleep in her own bed, so I didn’t expect her to be there.

“Any news?” I asked.

Both shook their heads.

“She was on her period, so I told her to be careful. We’ve synced up, so…She’s anemic. I just…I wish–” Sooja was trying to speak.

I said, “There’s nothing you could’ve done. I just hope she’s ok.”

She hugged me, “I’m such a cry baby.” she laughed.

“You’ve got a lot of emotions.” Alice said. “That’s not a bad thing to let yourself feel them.”

“Just don’t let them drown you.” I added.

Alice and Sooja nodded. We heard the ding of the elevator and rushed out of the red room to see Gina and her manager helping her to her room. Sooja went to go assist the two and then me and Alice were waiting for answers. We got them one hour later when Gina was getting some sleep.

The gamer girl came out and said, “It’s ok. She just needs rest and more water. She got some nutrients at the hospital and just needs to recuperate. They wanted her to stay there overnight, but she really wanted to come home.”

“That’s good.” Alice sighed as I nodded in agreement.

“Oh, right, Alice, can I spend the night in your room? Manager-nim needs my bed in order to keep an eye on Gina.” The gamer girl said.

“Of course, girl. Grab what you need, and we’ll *yawn* go to bed. We really need to be getting our rest.” She replied.

I added, “Yeah. I’ll see you girls in the morning. I feel like I can sleep now knowing she’s ok.”

As I began to walk away, Sooja grabbed my hand, “Please stay with us. I just feel better when you’re around.”

“Sure. I’ll grab my blanket.”

We ended up falling asleep in Alice’s room after I left a note for Jun on a yellow sticky note telling her where I was.

### Thursday, 4pm

Gina got in the car with me and the other girls doing the opening as we headed to set for the day. We said that we were glad to see that she was feeling better and had a water bottle in her hands.

“I’m sorry for worrying you guys. I was just so nervous and didn’t feel like I could stomach anything.”

Alice held her hand, “It’s ok. Just take care of yourself.”

She nodded, “What did Joshua say?”

I realized that her celeb partner hadn’t crossed my mind once since this happened, but her roommate knew the answer.

“He sent you flowers and told you he won’t be upset if you take it easy. Like the rest of us, he said your health comes first.” Sooja said.

She smiled and sighed. I held her hand silently, not sure of anything more I could say. We got into hair and makeup. My braids were taken down and formed into its 20s style bun with pearls placed throughout. Then the pink wig went on over that as a camera came to check on us backstage. I waved when I noticed it and then it moved on.

Then we just waited for the show to begin while not moving any further than the bathroom and only for emergencies. The wig was so hot, so I was fanning myself with my hand. Someone handed me a blue hand held fan.

“Thank you, my lovely dong–oppa.” I said as I turned around expecting Tristan but seeing Namjoon instead. “Sorry, I thought you were Haemosu. Thanks for the fan.”

“You’re welcome.” He grinned. “You ready for our performance?”

I nodded with butterflies in my stomach, “I sure am, but right now I’m focused on the opening. One thing at a time, you know?”

Namjoon smiled and wiped something off my cheek, “You’ll do great. Keep the fan, fighting!” He put his fist in the air.

“Fighting!” I replied and mimicked his movement.

Once he walked off, I couldn’t help but fangirl a bit, “I love him so much!”

TXT’s Yeonjun laughed, “I watched your performance with hyung yesterday. You two have amazing chemistry together. I think he likes you.” he played with his tail.

“Well, it would kind of suck if he didn’t and we were performing together.” I giggled.

“No, like, he has a crush on you.” Beomgyu said getting his hair clips taken out.

I shook my head, “I doubt it. Ah, I couldn’t even imagine something like that being true.” and touched the part of my cheek where his hand had just been. “He just finds me cute, like a puppy.” I did a dog pose.

“Ten minutes! If you gotta pee, do it now!” a stage hand said announcing it to everyone.

We were descended on by makeup artists making sure we were still covered in makeup and that everything was still neat and in place. I was so grateful for the fan since it kept my face from melting.

“One minute!” The time seemed to fly.

The nine of us were now on stage. Last looks. Wow, I’d be rapping tonight. That really didn’t hit me until the ten second countdown started. I went over the lyrics in my head and then the show started. I fiddled with my headset and then the red light went on.

“Hey, girl!” Kai called out to Gina. “When I see you, I can’t help but feel some type of way. I think it might be puppy love.”

And the song began. We danced and Alice pulled Taehyun by the leash to the next formation where it was pretty mixed. Most of the time, us girls were in front, but this part was just showing that we were equals. Someday–hopefully soon–we’d be just as bit every idols as TXT currently were.

Before I knew it, the song was over. The judges were introduced wearing their own headbands and collars, but they were cats. I leaned over to whisper to Alice “Lil Meow Meow is real.” and she tried to hold back her laughter. We held hands with the boys and our other members and bowed as the show went to commercial.

We thanked the boys as we had the makeup wiped off of us. Alice made sure to apologize because she felt like she pulled too hard. He said it was fine and went to get changed. James was up first after commercial break, rapping with his idol Jay Park. The two were dripping in Versace suits as they sang “The Promise”

I found myself swaying to the song as my makeup was being done, even raising my hand at James’s falsetto note that I never heard him hit before. It got me some stares and the camera came towards me. Producer Blue quickly explained that I was going to have about 30 seconds to give critique to them once he said go. He was gonna ask me two questions.

Red light, “So, how’d you like the performance?”

“I mean, it could be better.”I played coy. “Just kidding, you did great Anubis! Jay you were alright.” I laughed.

“You raised your hand in the air during the song. What does that mean?”

I nodded with wide eyes, “Ah, yes. Anubis. Ok. Anubis….bruh. During your falsetto before your adlibs I raised my hand to the angels that blessed you with that voice.” I did the movement and put my other hand on my heart. “You were absolutely fantastic! Fighting!” I clapped and the light went off.

Blue gave me a high five and then went on to the others. My hair got a quick touch up before I stood next to Namjoon who asked me how I was feeling as he looped my pinky into his. So this was our thing now, I guess. I told him I was good and was glad he got his fan back. Then we practiced a bit.

“What were you watching before I came up to you?”

“Fancams of your public performance today. You must be tired.” My partner showed me the screen of us doing last week’s group dance in two different areas of Seoul.

I smiled, “I’m fine. How was the opening?”

He grinned, “You guys are all so talented. I loved it.”

“Yay!” I said in a cute voice making Joon laugh.

Then I saw Tristan pacing and said I’d be right back to check on him, “What’s up?”

“Noona! I’m about to go on, but I’m so nervous! What if I mess up?”

I grabbed his shoulders, “Then you mess up and do the rest of the dance as awesome as possible. I’m sure you’ll be fantastic no matter what.” I looked into his eyes. “You are Haemosu, god of sunshine–.”

“I am Haemosu, god of sunshine, and I will light up the stage.” he said his deity’s intro.

“Yes, yes you are. Yes you will.”

Chung Ha showed up, “Sorry. There was a line at the bathroom.”

“I’m just glad you’re here.” Tristan said with relief and smiled. “Thanks, Iris.”

“Fighting!” I said and hugged him.

“Fighting! Promise you’ll watch me?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I went back to Namjoon and he said I made a cute couple with Tristan.

I shook my head, “He’s like my little brother.”

“That’s what they all say.” He teased.

I stuck my tongue out at him and he copied me. We watched Tristan’s and Chung Ha’s performance. The audience seemed to love the costuming. They gave her a strapless dress with a bikini shaped sunburn to match her partner. I didn’t realize until they were on stage dancing together. It was cute and I found myself doing the choreo with like several other people backstage.

Three songs later, I was getting on stage with Namjoon as a video played of him and me working together as well as a few interview questions of what it was like to work with each other. I found it hilarious when he was asked what it was like to meet me and stuff.

“Oh, she’s so cute and smart. If I didn’t know any better, I would say she’s a professional.” He said in a cool voice.

Cut to me squealing my head off, “Kim Namjoon. I’m working with THE Kim Namjoon. I can’t believe this! Is this a dream? Am I dreaming? I need to practice at calling him sunbaenim. Ah!”

We both laughed. Then when he said I could call him oppa, they added effects to show my heart pounding out of my chest. I was pretty professional in front of him, though. They also made sure to point out every time we blushed in front of each other, well, as many as they could tell.

“How many times did my ears get red in front of her? I don’t know. Iris is such a sweet girl. So thoughtful.” Namjoon sighed. “I think I might change my ideal type because of her.”

I glanced over at him as I sat on the swing. He blushed.

Then my voice, “I’m so glad I have dark skin or else my face would _never **ever**_ stop being red in front of him. Like it would be so obvious that I’m blushing and then that would make me blush more.” I laughed.

Question: Would you wanna work with each other again?

Namjoon said, “Yeah. She’s super cool, and we got real close this week. Farai…I mean Iris seems like an old friend. So of course.”

“I mean, we’re getting married sooner or later, so yeah. Totally.” I laughed. “Namjoon-yebo and I taking our child to the playground. I think they’d like being on the swing the most.”

That was the swing queue they decided to go with? Oh wow. Either way, the song began and I began performing.

“오늘 우리 coffee 한 잔 해요 / 천막이 쳐진 cafe 보는 / 시선이 없으니 / 신이 난 아이가 된 것 같아요 / 날이 좋은데 밖으로 나가서 / 조금 걸어요 / 다리가 아파서 저기 / 놀이터에 잠깐 / 앉을까봐요 / 오랜만에 타고 싶어요 그네가 그네가” I had the mic in my hand and smiled at the camera. “Oh Swing Swing / Swing Swing Swing Swing…”

I was loving how my voice sounded tonight but almost messed up saying a few words. Made a mental note to fix that the next time I said that. “…And higher and higher 둘이서.”

Music played, and I got to dance with Namjoon, his hand pressed firmly but gently onto my exposed back. The audience seemed to hang on our every dance phrase because they had never seen him dance with someone like this before. Then I was spun into the microphone, sashaying my hips to the music. I was glad when he came next to me so we could sing together.

“Oh Swing Swing Swing Swing Swing Swing.”

And he continued as I stepped back, “날아 가는 이 기분 / 너와 함께 구름 위를 걷는 지금 / 더 높은 곳으로 날 데려가 줘 / And higher and higher / 둘이서”

I was honestly having fun on stage. This was probably the most real fun I’ve ever had while doing a song. The lyrics seemed to just flow off my tongue and through the microphone reaching the audience, and it felt good. It really felt good. I looked over to Namjoon when it was his part to rap. 

“그래 타자 그네 / 뒤에서 부드럽게 밀어 줄게 / 표정에 드러나는 그 느낌이 / 짜릿짜릿하고 찌릿해 / 탄력 받아 격해지더라도 / We’ll be fine / 클라이막스까지 맞춰 가볼까 / When the sun comes 디라두레밥밥 / 날아 가는 이 기분 I feel good. Oh–” He sat on the swing set.

“Swing Swing Swing Swing Swing Swing~날아 가는 이 기분 / 너와 함께 구름 위를 걷는 지금 / 더 높은 곳으로 날 데려가 줘 / And higher and higher / 둘이 발을 맞춰 함께 올라가 줘요” I took the microphone off the stand and returned to where the swing set was, “Oh Swing Swing…”

I realized the other one had broken while we were performing…so that’s what the sound I blocked out was. With some quick thinking, I looked at Namjoon’s lap and he opened his arms for me to sit. He supported me as I sang the last bit.

“And higher and higher 둘이서.” I winked at the camera as I had my arm around his shoulders.

We held for five seconds and then I stood up and bowed. He had held my back for longer than was planned because of that. Namjoon bowed at me and then put his arm around my shoulders as we went to talk to the judges.

“Did you just not hear RM break the swingset when he sat on it?” Awkwafina asked. “Cuz you didn’t flinch at all.”

“I heard something but I didn’t pay any attention to it because I was performing. I only realized that’s what had happened when I saw it.” I laughed then I asked Namjoon. “Are you ok, oppa?”

“Yes. I didn’t fall with it, luckily.” Namjoon smiled.

The choreographer loved what we did for our partnership and the things we did by ourselves how we felt the music. She said that we were very compatible in terms of being dance partners and that it was her favorite dance of the night so far.

Suga was dramatic, “Namjoon-ssi?”

“Yes, hyung?”

“Great job on breaking something tonight. I was looking forward to it.”

“Thank you, hyung. Glad I could reach your expectations.” He replied in a serious matter.

Everyone laughed and Suga looked at me, “Did you have fun tonight?”

I nodded, “I did. I had lots of fun.”

“That’s good. I have nothing to say really. That was a great performance and you kept your cool, but pay attention to the things around you in case that swing falling could’ve hurt you.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you.”

Yujin asked, “So when you say you had fun, was it real fun this time? Cuz I seem to remember you acting like you were having fun last week.”

I nodded, “It was real fun. Singing with Namjoon has been one of the best and most fun experiences I’ve had on this show.” I hugged him tighter.

“That’s great to hear. I’m glad you were able to get so close in such a short period of time. When’s the wedding?” He joked.

Namjoon let go of me to start laughing. I laughed too as my face got super hot.

“Don’t worry. You’ll be invited.” I said.

Dabit smiled, “You and Yujin are the reasons we get such good ratings. I swear. PD-nim, your thoughts?”

“Don’t you think you were a bit harsh on her this week, RM? I mean, at least when you started out you were quite the professional. Guarded.”

I looked at Namjoon, confused.

He nodded, “Well, she saw through me pretty easily.”

Oh, the whole not being forward with his ideas thing.

“I was just trying to see what kind of person she was. Just confirming some things I thought about her.”

“Like what?”

Namjoon looked at me, “She’s got a really good 눈치 when it comes to people. Iris has a very good intuition and isn’t afraid to call someone out when they seem fake or she feels like they’re hiding stuff from her.”

Bang PD nodded, “Anyways, I think you did great. I disagree with the others, though. It’s not one of the best performances of the night, it’s the best of the season. I’m so proud of you, Iris. You exceeded my expectations. Good job.”

I wanted to cry. That was the best compliment I had ever gotten. They then asked for my thoughts and I said that I had too many. To sum them up, I said that I couldn’t curse and just thanked everyone and Namjoon especially for helping me push myself this week to surpass the expectations that had been set for me. I hoped that the rest of the weeks would be as fun and as great as this one.

Namjoon said he couldn’t get a partner better than me and was glad that we were able to work so well together.

### Thursday, 10pm

The show was over. We all bowed and changed out of our clothes and bowed some more. Yujin hugged me before leaving and said he couldn’t wait to see what I had in store for next week. I really liked hugs. Then we all gathered in the lounge. He was being more physical with me, doing more skinship. Weird.

Top of the leaderboard was Igong Hallakgungi who chose James and Tristan to be in the Special Room with him this week. I was in second while Tristan was in third. Yes! Then we got next week’s theme which was 2nd & 3rd gen Kpop in groups. They were really pushing the whole group thing, weren’t they? It made sense since we were coming close to the end.

We’d perform twice other than whatever we were doing for the opening. I was in a Super Junior group with Haemosu, Lyssa, and Hallakgungi as well as f(x) team with all the girls except Ixchel. I was glad that I was getting to work with Jun cuz we hadn’t done anything in competition together.

There was also another thing. We’d be eating lunch with BTS tomorrow and in traditional hanboks at the palace! We would be extremely tired but we weren’t about to pass that opportunity up. Because of that, we had the night off to rest.

Did I hear that right?

We got to sleep instead of doing an overnight practice but we still had to turn in a song list before that lunch. We’d be doing a three to five song medley of each group’s song that included their debut song as well.

I was in the car with my Super Junior group as we rode home, and we decided to do four songs in total. When asked what songs we wanted to do by Hallakgungi, he made a list. Tristan, Gina, and I said “Lo Siento” which made it a definite yes. Then we had to do the viral “Sorry Sorry”

“Seems like we’re apologizing a lot.” Gina giggled.

“I would too if my debut looked like that.” Tristan said. “Please tell me we don’t have to do our hair like that.”

Hyojoon looked up, “I swear that I’ll murder someone if they do. It’ll be worse than wearing red lipstick!”

“How about Mr. Simple? That was popular too, right?” I asked.

Tristan added, “I think ‘Devil’ might fit if we’re going for a suits look.”

I scoffed, “They always wore suits.”

In unison, everyone said, “True.”

“What about ‘Black Suit’?” Gina suggested.

“I like the song, but the aesthetic seems very specific for that one.” My dongsaeng said. “Also, I did that as a solo already.”

Hyojoon agreed, “I like a black suit as much as the next person, but we’ve gotta show off personality. We’ll be wearing suits, but…”

I finished his thought, “We should try to make it more individual. Unique to us instead of having to wear a black suit for that one song.”

She nodded, “Makes sense. So, should we do another Hispanic song? They’ve got quite a few.”

“I mean, we could, but I don’t know of any that were as good as ‘Lo Siento’.” Tristan said. “Noona. What do you think?”

“I agree. The songs should fit everyone’s strengths. Only two of you know Spanish which means Hyjoon and I will be lacking and less involved.” I said. “However, I would love to fix the whole ‘close your lips, shut your tongue’ line in Mamacita.”

We all laughed. In the end, we went with “Twins”, “Devil”, “Bonamana”, and “Lo Siento”. Then we met up with our second groups when we got home. It was almost midnight and we had some time before we had to turn it in. However, it was best to get it all done before we went to bed.

It took some time before we were all able to get f(x) down to “La Cha Ta”, “Electric Shock”, “Red Light”, and “Four Walls” Then we hopped into showers and went to bed. The exhaustion just dripped off of us and down the drains. I washed my hair and blow dried it before putting it into a protection style and doing my night routine.

That’s when I passed tf out with “Swing swing swing swing…” playing in my head.


	13. Week 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when I think I'm getting a hang of this idol stuff, sleep deprivation makes me say something that I shouldn't have. I would just like to crawl into a hole and die for the rest of my life. Please and thank you. I mean. I guess it's not _that_ bad, but if I could go back in time and not do that, then that's exactly what I would've done. Maybe I'm just overthinking things again.
> 
> Not to mention, sometimes my competitive spirit comes out. She is so awful, but she knows what she wants and will do anything to get it even if it means sacrificing my physical health and tarnishing some friendships.

### Friday, 10:45am

We all were dressed for lunch before we left to meet the guys. The eight of us were in hanboks. They didn’t match our deity color, but instead were our favorite. So mine was red with a blue top. None of us were wearing lots of white since we would be eating.

I was glad that I was getting an extra day to hang out with Namjoon. When we got there, it was obvious that there were idols nearby. It was very busy. We were let through to a beautiful palace set up beautifully. It was like a festival! I hugged Alice’s arm out of excitement.

“Holy fuck, Jimin looks hotter in person!” She whispered.

I nodded, “Tae’s jawline, though.” He looked ethereal.

We all bowed to each other, and my eyes were so wide as I looked at all of their faces.

We were then shown around the palace where we would eat. It was a picnic for the first hour and then it turned into a meet and greet with a few select fans. I asked what was going on because I thought it was just a simple lunch.

“Fan service training.” Taehyung said as he put flowers into my hair. “You guys already have fan clubs, so their leaders are here. And all of the food is from Jin’s restaurant. This whole thing was his idea, but he didn’t want it to be formal.”

I pouted, “I wish I had been more prepared for this type of interaction. I’m gonna be so mentally exhausted within the hour. I wasn’t planning to spend so much time being charming.” I sighed and spotted some shy fans. “Oh well. Girl’s gotta work. Excuse me.”

I waved to the fans, “Hi, there. I’m Iris, what’sre your names?”

They were a pair of twins who loved my performances every week. Both were darker than I am. They had moved to Korea because they loved the culture and were wondering how to deal with colorist comments. I told them to reply with love and let the commenter know that beauty comes in many skin colors.

As soon as I said goodbye to them, there was a thump on my leg, and I looked down to see a boy no older than 5 hugging me. His mother was racing after him.

“Minjoon-ah! Apologize to the pretty noona. You scared her.” 

“I’m sorry, noona!” He said. “Can you pick me up?”

I looked to the mom, and she nodded. I picked up Minjoon and asked his name and age. He was four years old and asked if my hair was cotton candy. I giggled and told him it was not cotton candy as people went wild taking pictures of me holding the child.

The mom said, “You’re his favorite on the show. He won’t go to bed without watching your ‘I’m Ready’ cover. He’s even learning your ‘Strut’ performance.”

I laughed and smiled at him, “Is that true, Minjoon-ah?”

He nodded proudly. When he was too shy to perform it for me, his mother showed me a video on her phone instead. I told him he had done such a great job. He thanked me and hid his face into my shoulder. When Jimin said I was needed near the snack table, I told the two goodbye.

I was challenged to a game of Chubby Bunny with Tristan. He had a bigger mouth than me, so he ended up winning. I wiped his mouth with a napkin when it was done. When I got to eat, it was some noodles that Jin had made himself. It was so good. He had a look of pride on his face.

Jimin and V took it upon themselves to tease me and get to see how much they could make me blush. They called me beautiful and pretty every chance they got. V hugged me from every angle possible. Jimin got lots of selfies and pics of me. He’d just call my name and take a pic when I turned around.

“Aigoooo, you can’t take an ugly picture. Namjoon was right. You are really cute.” He said and I’d blush hardcore.

Jungkook did his best to speak English to me and Alice. Baby. Baby boy. I told him that I thought his eyes were like tiny galaxies in English. He understood it was a compliment but didn’t giggle until I said it in Korean. Then he made his eyes wide and did some poses.

I asked for his help to get revenge on the complimenting duo, and he said to just do it back to them. Or make them jealous by getting affection from Namjoon and Yoongi. I would try with Yoongi first.

“Suga sunbaenim~” I called as he was talking to some high school girls. “What do you think about my hanbok?” I spun around. “From a judge’s perspective.”

He looked at me, “From a judge’s perspective my opinion doesn’t matter, but personally I’m always glad to see people taking part in our traditions. Especially when they look as cute as you do in it.”

“Thank you, Suga sunbaenim. You look very nice too.”

“Namjoon!” Yoongi called as the tall one passed by. “Tell her how pretty she looks in her hanbok.”

They both looked behind me and nodded. Namjoon said, “Ah, I think you look very nice, Iris. So pretty. I liked the one you wore the first time we met. You look really cute in pink, don’t you think, hyung?”

“Agreed. What do you think, girls?”

Now, I know this is what I wanted, and I was eating up the attention. But I was shy as hell. I couldn’t see what Jimin was doing though. He loved attention and he wasn’t getting any.

“What about me, hyung?” There it was. Jimin was pouty.

“How can you ask that when such a beautiful girl is right there?” Yoongi scolded.

Namjoon added, “You’re being selfish. You think you can be the only one to tell her how gorgeous she is? Jimin, listen, your comments probably mean the most to her since you’re so cute.”

Jin approached, “Are we complimenting Iris? It’s one of my favorite things to do. Of course no one will be as beautiful as me.”

Hobi added, “I haven’t gotten to say this yet, Iris, but I love watching you dance. I’ve watched your audition tape several times. You’ve gotten so much better since then. What you did last night with Namjoon left me speechless.”

“Ah, thank you.” I bowed.

I glared at Jungkook. This was not what I was expecting. He giggled and shrugged. It seemed that V noticed and asked what it was all about. We came clean. It was a nice show and a fun game, but it had to come to an end.

Jimin pouted, “You’re too mean. I don’t like when you ignore me, even if you are kidding.”

Then it was time to say goodbye to everyone. I had done some photoshoots near the trees that were there and so many pics with fans. Signed so many books and pics and pieces of paper. I had been handed letters of all sorts. Lots of mochi and chocolate. Someone even made a doll of me. I was worried that some of it would be hate mail, and I opened most of them in front of the person who gave it to me.

But there were so much more in the small pile that Kyung had in a box. I’d read them on a live with the others during tonight’s dinner apparently. For now, it was off to the studio.

### Friday, 3pm

Now I was just in a large pink tank top and matching shorts with white tennis shoes on my feet. So much more comfortable as we filed into the dance room. There was a golden chalice in the middle of the room. A familiar form was standing behind it with two others that any kpop fan would know. Monster Woo, Kyle Hanagami, and Lia Kim.

_Hit me with a frying pan, Daddy._ The Woo Fam joke passed through my head.

He laughed, “Maybe after practice if you’re lucky.”

I looked around confused at who he was talking to and then realized, “Did I say that out loud?” I covered my mouth and hid my face in the nearest Jun shaped body.

I did not wanna see all the faces that were staring at me. Kyle was straight up guffawing at my mistake trying not to keel over even as he held his belly. Lia was confused but laughing nonetheless.

“_Listen_, I’m tired, ok?” I said unable to look at him.

The director called for a second take, and I ran out of the room. Alice was trying to comfort me as she held in her giggles.

“Girl, what? What was that?” Sooja asked. “You just suggested he hit you with a frying pan, and I’ve been on the internet long enough to know you weren’t calling him your biological father.”

“It’s a fandom joke for Monster Woo. It just came out. Let’s pretend it never happened.” I said.

Tristan said, “I’m never letting you live this down.”

“FML.” I moaned.

And so we did take two of walking into the studio, seeing the chalence, and I did not look at Monster Woo. I kept my eyes firmly on Kyle’s face as he told us to form a line which we did.

“So, you were all told to write down two songs from the second and third generations of kpop a long time ago. That’s what is in this cup right here.” Woo explained.

Lia Kim said, “One by one, you’ll grab a slip of paper and read it out loud. Whatever you choose will become part of the opening performance this week. Let’s start on the right.”

Gina was the first to walk up there and she reached her hand in to grab a white piece of paper. She opened it and read out “‘Gee’ by Girls Generation”

Ok, a viral classic. Next it was Hyojoon.

He had his white hair in a ponytail, “‘Senorita’ by VAV”

“EXO’s ‘Love Shot’!” James announced and then did body rolls to get back in line.

Alice tilted her head, “Saturday Wifi?”

“That’s mine!” I whispered excitedly.

I was up next and tried not to smile as I went up to pick one from one of the remaining 12 songs in the cup. I also tried not to make eye contact with Monster Woo.

“Need help there, baby girl?” He literally purred.

He made me feel some type of way! I literally shivered.

“No, thank you.” I replied as I finally got the paper opened. “Yes! ‘Lucifer’ by SHINee!”

“Jun, come pick the last one!”

The last song was “Noir” by Sunmi. Fitting since they just performed together yesterday.

If we put them in order by oldest to newest, we had “Gee” by Girls Gen, “Lucifer” by SHINee, “Senorita” by VAV, “Love Shot” by EXO, and then “Wifi” by Saturday, and top it off with “Noir”. We learned the point dance for every song as well as the parts that got popular and were to perform them to see which ones we’d do next Thursday.

First were warm ups. I swear Monster Woo was actively teasing me for calling him Daddy earlier. He would circle by a few times and linger just a few seconds longer around me, Alice, and Jun than the others.

“Can I help you?” I asked when he did it the third time.

He smiled, “So, you’re a fan?”

“Yes. I don’t really know your career, but you were on Dave’s channel in the destruction room or whatever. That’s how I found you.” I did the V sit. “I don’t really do instagram, though.”

Then he folded his arms, “Any questions you have for me, then?”

“Sure do. Just one for now.”

“And?”

I looked up at his giant frame and asked, “How can you like carrot cake?”

He burst out laughing, “I…I did not expect that. Oh my gosh.” Woo then squatted in front of me and cupped my cheeks. “You are too precious.”

I smiled and then he helped me into a standing position where I began to do trunk twists and lunges.

“To answer your question, I like carrot cake because it’s good.”

Shaking my head, I said, “I beg to differ.”

“You haven’t had good carrot cake then.”

“I’m from the south. We make the good carrot cake, and it still sucks.”

“Suck?” Tristan turned to ask.

He pat my head, “Poor, unfortunate soul. What did all that fried food do to your taste buds?”

“Made them crave things better than carrot cake.” I replied. “Vegetables and desserts don’t go together!”

“Ten burpees.” Woo said sternly.

My face sank, “Nooo, I hate burpees.”

“Stop teasing her, oppa!” Lia called out.

Kyle then spoke, “Ok, everyone to the center. Let’s learn the first choreos starting with the basics of tutting. Woo?”

Thank goodness. It got me out of the awful exercise.

So, we learned all the basics of everything and then did what we knew. They had to get a starting base for what we did and did not know of the dance. Afterwards, we cleaned up the moves and did a trial in groups of four. One we all performed three times, it was time for dinner. The whole studio soon smelled like fried chicken while me and Alice ate the vegan version, aka fried tofu.

When all was said and done, I was put into the “Senorita”, “Lucifer”, and “Wifi” groups. I was hyped. Alice and Sooja would also be in Saturday’s dance with me because we were the most cutesy. They admitted Jun was also quite cute when he wanted to be, but they liked how she did SNSD’s and EXO’s songs better.

I worked hard for the rest of the night. Before we knew it, the day had become night and then a new day. That was just for choreo. We were taking less breaks. My back hurt, but there was barely any time for rest.

Monday, 2am  
It was so liberating to finally have the mix for our 2nd gen medley done. Me and the others worked all day on doing the choreography for it. We’d be dancing for about 8 minutes straight since each song we’d do ~2 minutes for each song. I was just glad that we didn’t have to think too much about our outfits for this one. Gina ended up wanting to wear a fur coat in the last number instead of a blazer, so we had to also choreograph a quick jacket change.

We didn’t really have time in the music to do a jacket change, so we just told her to leave for the last bit of “Devil” and then enter for her part in “Lo Siento” I wasn’t even going to start trying to learn Spanish for this, so Leslie’s part went to Gina.

“Noooonnaaaa!” Tristan whined. “I’m tireeeddd.”

“We’ll break once we get half of the song perfect. We’ve been making too many mistakes. The show is in four days so there’s less time to make mistakes. We have to get this done, now.” I said. “From the top.”

“Yes, ma’am.” They said and we started again.

> 그녀를 찾지마 더이상 너에게  
아무런 감정도 남아 있질 않대  
이제 더는 비굴해지려고 하지마  
이미 네 자존심은 바닥에 있는 걸  
(아냐 그건 아니야)  
아냐 그건 아니야  
(그녀 하나뿐인데)  
내겐 보이지 않는 내 가슴의 그림자  
또 다시 날 패배자의 어둠 안에 가두지  
(강해져야 했는데)  
강해져야 했는데  
(이건 내가 아닌 걸)  
내 안에 나를 죽여 끝까지 싸워 이겨  
I wanna knock out  
저 운명은 반드시 제 갈 길을 가지  
Knock out  
피하려 해도 절대 소용 없지  
Knock out  
받아들여 You can’t do this fight because  
네게선 그녀가 기대할 게 없잖아  
I wanna knock out  
아냐 나는 거부하겠어 그대로  
Knock out  
타협하는 삶을 사는 것 I wanna  
Knock out  
내가 원하는 건 모두 다  
끝까지 싸워 난 Reason is I’m alive  
어릴 적부터 난 존재감이 없었지  
주목을 받은 적 단 한 번도 없어  
튀지마 하지마 그냥 중간만큼만  
그저 그런 삶인 걸 정해 놔 버렸어~~~~

And then, we switched to song two transitioning smoothly with audio and visuals.

> 내 맘의 say, 애만 태우지 말고 제발  
끄덕, 끄덕, 끄덕.  
이 노력 정도면 나라도 구해  
기특, 기특, 기특  
난 어떡하라고, 어떡하라고  
그녀만이 내 전부인 걸, 걸, 걸  
Bounce to you, Bounce to you  
내 가슴은 널  
향해 잡힐 수도 없을  
만큼 뛰고 있는걸.  
Break it Down to you, Down to you  
내 가슴이 너, 널 갖지 못한다면  
멈출 거란다  
(날 바라봐라)  
볼까말까, 볼까말까, 볼까말까  
나 같은 남자.  
본체만체, 본체만체, 본체만체  
돌아서 봐도  
보고봐도, 보고봐도, 보고봐도  
나 밖에 없다.  
보나마나, 보나마나, 보나마나  
나 밖에 없다.  
난 드뎌 미칠거야. 폭발해 버릴 거야.  
더 못 참겠어 그녀만의 밀고 당기기.  
오 진짜 미칠거야. 누가 좀 말려봐 봐.  
이렇게 힘들 거란 걸 누가 말했어야지

We got a bit of a break in the dance here, but I told everyone to stop.

“Where’s the energy, guys? You’re literally dead!”

“Not yet, we aren’t.” Gina said. “I collapsed last week, and this isn’t helping me this week.” She sat down.

I rolled my eyes, “Stop being dramatic! We’re running out of time! I don’t wanna risk being near the bottom this week. I want our hard work to show off. We can’t do that if you whine about every little thing! You wanna be an idol, you gotta put in the work!”

“Iris.” Hyojoon said.

“WHAT?” I turned on him.

“You’re acting different. You’re not usually this…driven. Usually, you’re telling us not to push ourselves too hard and to put our personal health first. This isn’t like you.”

I replied, “I just don’t have time for any of this lollygagging! I belong on stage, and I’m not gonna let any of you drag me down. Take a break if you want to. I’d rather pass out practicing than pack up my things come Thursday night.”

I snatched the remote from Tristan’s hand and started the music again. My whole body felt like it was on fire, and my arms were covered in sweat and heat rash, but I had to push myself. None of the BTS boys would let a bit of exhaustion stop them from practicing. I couldn’t either. I wasn’t expecting to see daylight unless we had to travel somewhere or go to the recording studio. That was later tonight.

Tristan fell in line while Gina and Hyojoon left the room. Fuck them, then.

### Monday, 5:20am

About three hours later, we were still practicing and I heard someone come in.

The white haired oppa walked into the room and called my name, “Iris-ssi?”

I took a deep breath before answering since I was taking a quick water break, “Yes?”

“I really wanna talk to you. Will you listen?”

Part of me wanted to tell him to hold his emotions until this was done, but if he really needed help with something I wanted to do my best to give him a hand. I nodded and he took me to the side.

“Listen, I know you really wanna do this well. I understand that you…you wanna do this right and that we have to practice more due to the time constraint, but the way you’re doing it is wrong.”

“Excuse me? Wrong?”

He closed his eyes and tried to explain, “It’s obvious that you’re frustrated, but the way you’re taking it out on us is just making us frustrated and less likely to listen.”

“I just wanna not fail and make a fool of myself on live TV, sorry if we’re not professional dancers and need more work that you do! Some of us actually have talent in other areas and don’t shove our personality into a hip hop persona allowing us to think like people!” My cheeks were on fire and I was saying things I didn’t mean and that didn’t matter, but I wasn’t having it. “So either practice with us now or go sit on your ass. Either way, shut up unless you’re helping.”

“I am helping, but not you. You’re frustrated–”

“No shit, Sherlock! We have three days including today to get iconic dances done, and instead I’ve gotta talk some sense into you three nitwits instead of actually working!” Hyojoon tried to speak, “No. I’m done talking. Done listening. From the top!”

Gina said, “No, Iris. We need a break. We aren’t going to work our bodies to the bone. Stop stressing about the limit. We have time, but there are other things we need to work on too.”

I felt the flame of tears in my ducts, “Fine! Fine! Sit on your asses. I’ll be down here actually trying to become an idol!”

The three of them left, and I worked on the dances. I watched the videos again to recall where I was in the routines.

“Fucking losers. Alright.”

So, I began working and singing my parts when they showed up. Lots of Yesung and Heechul, which made me glad. We…I focused on the third song and when I was doing a cross legged spin as Yesung’s part, I heard something pop. That same area hurt. I was on the floor. My knee popped as it often did while getting out of a bended position, but also, Charley Horse.

It hurt so much! I hit the floor I hit the floor with my palm and fist to make it try to feel my pain. Tears ran down my face. It wasn’t going away! Why wasn’t it going away? I screamed. Of course no one was there. Not when I actually needed them. It made sense that I was alone and in excruciating pain that just wouldn’t leave!

“Help!” I begged anyone. “Anyone! Help!”

But nobody came.

I forced myself to breathe and calm down and relax. It’d go away faster. It felt like there was a black hole in the middle of my calf. I hit it and then just gave up, letting it go away as tears overflowed into my ears.

Finally, things seemed to be settling down in my leg, but dread and a soft kind of despair overtook me, and I just began to cry more. I cried into my hands and I hated the water in my ears and how pathetic and alone I was. I was scared to stand in case it started to hurt again.

No. No. No. I had to relax.

“Iris, are you ok?”

I just shook my head. I knew it was Gina, and I just clung to her. She asked what was happening. I was too upset to speak, so I shook my head again. I wasn’t alone anymore. Someone was here with me.

After forcing myself to calm down a bit, “My–my leg. It…I…” I held back the word ‘scared’ and just breathed. “I need help standing.”

Gina looked around and asked where my phone was because she left her phone upstairs. She had me unlock it and texted an SOS into the chat telling them I was in the dance practice room, and soon enough James and Tristan had me on my feet and helped me up the stairs and onto the living room couch.

“Someone call the managers!” Hyojoon said.

Tristan was holding my hand tightly not saying a word, but his face was full of concern. Gina was asked what happened.

“She said that she hurt her leg and that she needed help standing. She was just crying on the floor when I came in.” She said.

James asked, “Farai? Are you ok now?”

I nodded, “Yeah.” My voice was heavy. “My knee popped the same time I had a Charley Horse, so it hurt a lot and I was scared and alone…it doesn’t hurt now, but I wasn’t sure if I could stand up without it seizing up again.”

He nodded and explained as best he could in Korean. Everyone nodded and Hyojoon silently arrived with a heat pack and put it on my leg. Then he gave me water and aspirin. I thanked him and took it.

“I got them a lot when I was younger from excessive dance sessions.” He said.

“Don’t say I told you so.” I pouted, not looking at anyone.

He chuckled, “Fine. I won’t. Just feel better and let yourself rest, ok?”

I nodded and pouted. He left and told the others not to worry about me. Jun kissed my forehead and Tristan stayed with me until Kyung got there. My manager took me to get a check up to make sure it wasn’t anything more serious while everyone at home worked on their music. I just had to apply heat and ice accordingly and not exert myself for the rest of the day. Only if things got worse, would I need to come back.

In the car ride home, I got scolded about pushing myself too much. I pretended to listen as I watched tunnels, trees, and high rise apartments pass by.

### Monday, 10:05am

My Super Junior group was mostly asleep after such a rough morning. My f(x) group and I focused on vocals and lines which was easy. I wasn’t on bed rest, but I was treated like I wasn’t allowed to walk. I sighed and decided to just let it be. There was no fight left in me for the rest of the day. I didn’t even get much sleep other than riding to the costumer’s and on the way back. Our outfits were finalized at least.

We then sang and recorded for f(x) until five. My leg felt mostly better. It had forgotten what happened early this morning. I hadn’t. I went to the diary room, traversing the stairs as carefully as possible.

### Monday, 5:43pm

“I’m ok. I’m ok. I pushed myself too much and had an instant consequence…” I fumbled with my hands. “I don’t know why I did that. I got so mad, so hungry. So blinded by wanting to be perfect that I failed at doing just that.” I sighed and looked at the clouds on the wall of the Diary Room. “I feel so _dumb_! I’m usually telling the others not to push themselves because then they’ll get hurt, but then here I am having a freaking _muscle spasm_ all alone because I made everyone else mad enough to leave me!”

I sighed again, “I still haven’t apologized to them. *sniff* I hate being so helpless. Like, I just…I think having such a negative attitude and acting like that to such an extreme will be one of my biggest regrets.”

I caught my breath and wiped my tears and left to gather my group for Super Junior. Just vocals since it hadn’t been 24 hours. Once we were all in the blue room, I bowed on the floor to all of them and apologized for being such an asshole and promised that I would not let it happen again because they deserved better and were just trying to help.

“It’s ok, Noona. We’re just glad you’re ok.”

Gina looked at the two Korean boys, “Yeah, it’s ok.”

“We forgive you, Iris. Everyone has one of those days. It was just more shocking coming from you.” Hyojoon helped me up.

“Let’s just practice and get some rest, yeah?” Gina said.

I nodded, still feeling super guilty and touchy for being so sucky. Practice was fun and I was able to really relax while joking around and roasting my friends. I was doing much better with reading and pronouncing my Korean lyrics but they didn’t hesitate to call me out when I messed up, especially if it sounded close to a curse word.

We then got to eat dinner which was ravioli and cheesy bread and had a movie night in the living room letting us all sleep and chill in the living room wearing our cutest pajamas.

And I asked. “Hey, guys, if I ever get too pushy, please let me know. I’ll do my best to listen.”

Sooja hugged me, “You just had a rough day. Everyone is tense and has a different boiling point than others.”

### Tuesday, 4:10pm

Because of our outfits having been completed a long time ago, we were able to focus on recording and choreo. We were able to get it almost perfect, but I didn’t let myself stress over it. The four of us still had time. Tristan was the one lifting up Gina for that one part. We had gotten really close during this practice for some reason.

She had seen me at my absolute worst. I hugged her once we finished going through it all the way once and thanked her again for all her help.

“No problem.” She said. “You would have done the same for me.”

I nodded and we hugged again. Hyojoon was called upstairs for some delivery that he had to sign for. It was probably my gift to him. He came back and knocked me down with how much he hugged me. I was giggling and he sat next to me.

“White tulips and purple hyacinths. You nerd!” Hyojoon laughed. “You were right about the whole rap persona thing, though. I try too hard to be cool, but I’m like cookie dough. Soft and tasty. I complained too much about wearing lipstick last week too.”

Then we got up and ran it a few more times before having a dinner break, downing as much water as I could along with bananas. We goofed off like old friends. No, more like family. A family that would be there for each other no matter what. I was so happy and laughed so hard when Gina spooked Sooja because the Korean thought she choked on a chicken bone but it was just her dying of laughter because of some inside joke she had with James.

We had never heard Gina laugh that hard before. It startled most of us, but Sooja’s face was just priceless. For a good 10 minutes, the eight of us just laughed. Tears in our eyes, hands on our stomachs. Over the smallest things.

### Wednesday, 12:44am

I was so sleepy and needed a good shower. However, I’d spend the rest of the night working on perfecting some of my f(x) moves.

“It’s just two more hours if it takes that long.” I said, making sure not to worry anyone. “I won’t push myself that hard ever again.”

They nodded and then went to go shower. I paused and then grabbed my phone and checked to see what time it would be back in Alabama. It was 10 in the morning. My mom would be on her way to work or still asleep depending, so I called her.

I was so happy when she picked up.

“Hey, baby, how are you?”

“Mom! I’m so glad you picked up. I’m doing good. I miss you.”

“I miss you too, sweetheart. What are you up to? I don’t hear from you much.” She replied.

I smiled, “I know. I’m super busy. I just finished practice a bit ago and wanted to call you before you were off to work.”

“I’m glad you called, and yeah, I’m on my way. Just got into the car. Isn’t it late for you?”

“Yeah,” I chuckled. “But we don’t sleep more than 3 or four hours a day on average. It’s ok, though. I expected not to sleep much during this.”

“Aren’t you often tired?”

“Yeah, but it’s worth it. I’ve been taking care of myself. It’s a steep curve, climb, whatever, but I want this more than anything. I’ve never really worked so hard for something before.” I hoped my excitement and honesty got through to her, so she wouldn’t pull me out.

It helped that I had constant support and guidance, but I didn’t want to argue or be mad at my mom right now. I just really missed her and wanted a good happy conversation with her.

“Just make sure you’re doing good and eating well. Try not to be so extreme when it comes to weight loss. Don’t get any of those eating disorders, ok? If you feel your self worth slipping, remember that your mental and physical health are more important. I’ve seen what those idol girls do to–”

“I know, mom. I know. I’ve made it a point not to be skinny, just the size I want to be. I also have support for my bad days…”

“That’s good, well, I’m here at work now. The show’s tomorrow, right?”

I nodded, “It is. We have dress rehearsals tonight. Have a good day at work, Ma. I love you.”

“I love you too. Break a leg, sweetie. But don’t really break anything. Be safe. Make good decisions. Mwah.”

We both laughed.

“I will.”

After hanging up, I sighed and collected myself. I missed Alabama so much, but that’s not where I was or where I needed to be right now. My dream was being fulfilled here in South Korea with BigHit entertainment. As I looked around the dance room, I broke into a smile. Three weeks left, and I was still here. I’d make sure I’d be here to the end is what I thought as “La Cha Ta” started to play from the speakers.

### Wednesday, 11:55pm

Dress rehearsal went a bit long today, maybe because we were still tired from the Random Dance Play we did in Seoul’s Heart earlier. It was just four different performances since we didn’t have solos this week, but that just meant we had to perform them and get our costume changes on point. Not to mention that we had to do our opening perfect too. So for everyone, it was three different costume changes. Because of that and the fact that our first group was not the same as our second group, the changes had to be done even quicker.

It was mostly just getting the timing right. I could still feel my legs, though. They just felt like jelly that was constantly in motion.

We got home and our Diary Room schedule was on TV. Really? We had to do more? I wanted to pass out! Instead, I jumped into the bath because I was not strong enough for a shower right now. I cleaned myself and made note to shave before tomorrow’s live show. Then I got into the Diary room downstairs.

> Iris, how do you feel about tomorrow’s performances?

“I feel good about them. We practiced a lot on our own and even got tons of tips today during dress rehearsal to improve on them. Like, we knew our arms had to do this, but it wasn’t strong enough or it wasn’t straight enough even though we thought they were.”

> Do you feel like there’s been more pressure put onto the Deify contestants? What about personally for yourself?

I nodded and sighed, “Yes. So much more pressure. The choreographers are more serious and straight forward with their suggestions than before because we only have three weeks left, well, two actually because this week is almost over. I just hope that I can do it in a way that Koharu-nim will like them. I really want to impress her since I’m not a dancer and she’s really cute. Who doesn’t want to impress a cute girl?” I giggled. “Personally, that adds a bunch of pressure that I don’t know if the others feel or not.”

> What would you like Sugawara to say to you?

“Something like, ‘You surprised me this week at how well you did’ or ‘You exceeded my expectations’ which I’m pretty sure are lower than most. Hyojoon, Jun, Gina…uh, I mean, Igong Hallakgungi, Lan Caihe, Yuhwa, and Ixchel probably have the most pressure and the highest of expectations because they are great dancers. We knew this from the beginning. But yean, I’d really just want Koharu-nim to give me more praises than critiques. Tell me if I’m improving or not at least.” I panted.

“Sorry, I forgot how to breathe for a second. I was probably thinking about her a bit too hard” I laughed and the next question came up.

> Who do you think is your most direct competition?

“Hmmm,” I thought. “Right now, vocally, I’d say James or Lyssa. Yea, James is a rapper, but his singing voice is amazing. It blows everyone away every time, so he has that not so surprising surprise factor about him. And then Lyssa. She’s so gorgeous and her singing voice is just…I can’t even think of the word. In English, I’d say I’m flabbergasted everytime she sings. It’s so angelic and beautiful that it makes me work harder on my voice.”

I nodded to myself, “She is one of my closest friends in the house, but I do have to work hard to be just as good if not better than she is. Also, she is fluent in both English and Korean and has an accent, so yeah. She’s got so much more going for her.”

What are you most afraid of in this competition?

“Not winning because I’m too different. As for James, there’s a lot of references for him. A lot of modern kpop is based on hip hop. That’s what he knows best. People know Sam Okyere, the most popular black man in Korea. Now, if he had vocal talent and became an idol you’d have James. What black girls do Koreans know? Beyonce and Rihanna, maybe Normani if they’re lucky, but nothing like me. I may be too different, too foreign to win. That’s my biggest fear.”

I bit my lip, “Beyonce and Rihanna are both light skinned. Beyonce isn’t skinny, but she’s much lighter than I am. Normani is darker skinned and closer to my complexion, but I’ve never ever seen her with natural hair. It’s always straight. I don’t do that. The last time I did do that, it was a disaster. So, being the type of black girl that I am might be asking too much for the Korean public to accept meaning they won’t vote for me.”

“However, if I do win. If I do get to become part of the final group, then I will give Korea no other option than to accept me for who I am and what I stand for.”

### Thursday, 6:25pm

I was in my pink tracksuit dress with rainbow stripes down the arms. It was based off of Chohee’s teal and red outfit from the Saturday MV. My chrome high heel boots were an element inspired by the metallic looks in SHINee’s “Lucifer” Me and the rest of the girls in my group had space buns since they were in “Wifi” and “Noir” which worked for the stylist crew.

We were just waiting on stage. Everyone had peed 10 minutes ago. Touch ups were going on right now. Everyone was doing Girl’s Generation and then breaking off. Soon enough, people were counting down from ten and the red light came on.

I wasn’t that great at the side slide part, so I was a bit worried for it. Still, I did my best and was able to keep my balance unlike last night where I fell on my face. I continued with Hyojoon, Lyssa, and James with “Lucifer” and then ran off to the right side and watched while the others went through “Love Shot” and “Senorita”. I looked at the monitor while glitter was sprayed into my hair and love how excited the crowd was. Almost everyone was singing along and dancing in their seats or standing.

Then I got back on stage with the biggest smile. Tristan, Gina, Lyssa, and Lan Caihe were with me as we did “Wifi”. Hallakgungi and James had serious images, so they couldn’t do this dance with us on stage. However, there was footage of them doing the chorus with us during a few of the practices.

Then we dropped our smiles and did the original choreo to Sunmi’s bop. We were given phones by backup dancers and we did slight reveals with getting those rabbit ear hats where you squeeze the paws and then heart stickers on our faces. Then we ended with all of us forming a heart and going from to smile to a big one in sync.

The judges were introduced from their seats this time. They had their own rabbit hats. The one Lyssa has been wearing was put onto Dabit’s head before she left the stage.

“Oh, thank you. How’d did you like the opening, judges?” He squeezed the paws.

They said that it was a perfect representation of the growth and changes kpop had gone through in the past 20-30 years. Conversation went to what the outfits looked like and the elements they saw from each music video and concept and how seeing them together was something amazing.

I couldn’t pay too much attention as stickers were being peeled off my face and I was being thrown into my peach colored suit with a hot pink floral dress shirt underneath. Because I was a girl, I was wearing peach shorts instead of pants. But also safety shorts under those cuz I had a big booty.

Super Junior was the first group that we were going to perform, and we didn’t have too long to get ready. There was nothing to do but not make trouble and listen to the stylists. I held my hands out for rings and closed my eyes for the fake lashes. Then my hair was taken down last and puffed out and styled as neatly as possible.

Then we had 3 minutes to get into place as the package played. They showed our reaction to the debut music video in the package, and it was just a bunch of laughing and cringing from all four of us. I just couldn’t get over the hair.

“I will legit straighten my hair just for this performance. Just to get it styled like this.” I laughed.

Hallakgungi looked great in the maroon wide brimmed hat and sky blue suit he was wearing. Haemosu had glasses on for this stage along with a white and pink floral suit. Gina was in a navy blue floral suit.

“Hey, guys, before we go on, I just wanna apologize one more time for being a complete monster about dance practice.” I said.

Hallakgungi smiled, “Stop worrying about that, and let’s just show everyone that practice pays off when you do it as a team.”

Rock music played, and we did the ancient choreo. We did our best because we knew that they’d be watching this sooner or later. 

Then Tristan started singing, “그녀를 찾지마 더이상 너에게/아무런 감정도 남아 있질 않대”

I came in, hand in my pocket, “이제 더는 비굴해지려고 하지마/이미 네 자존심은 바닥에 있는 걸”

Hallakgungi did, “아냐 그건 아니야” 

Gina put her back against his and sang, “anya geugeon aniya” still not perfect in her Korean pronunciation.

To which her partner stared dramatically into the camera as he purred, “그녀 하나뿐인데” and began into “내겐 보이지 않는 내 가슴의 그림자/또 다시 날 패배자의 어둠 안에 가두지”

As we performed, there were a lot of smiles in the audience and some people were trying not to laugh since Tristan had actually gotten his hair styled for this. It would’ve taken too long for them to do my hair after the opening and Hallakgungi’s hair as well as Gina’s were way too long to be done.

And then “Devil” came on where it was a lot of fun. It was the easiest for us to learn. There were backup dancers thrown in for the group effect that Super Junior had, but they weren’t the ones singing.

Tristan was doing Shinwon in all parts, so he sang, ““한없이 자꾸 애원하게 해”

“젠장 잠조차 못 자게 돼” Hallakgungi spun into view.

I did a sexy face to the camera, “도대체 이 감정이 뭔지 모르겠잖아”

And then we all got into our formation, and Gina sang, “neon chago tteugeowo Devil/han yeoreum sonagi syawo / dalkwojin onmomeul jeoksyeoon dwie / geurigon tto mok taoge haji / neon jeo meon samagui sogeum”

Everyone’s voices became more prominent as we sang, “새빨간 적도의 그늘 / 한 순간 쾌락을 맛보게 하곤 / 그리고 또 목 타오게 하지 / 넌 차고 뜨거워”

Our vocals sounded so good together, better than most practices. It was the audience making us wanna be the best we could be. I was having a lot of fun too. We jammed out to the rest of that section and then froze as “Bonamama” came on. It was seconds after Hallakgungi’s hat had been stolen by Tristan and then returned to him by me. A moment to breathe during the slight build up.

There was a close up on Hallakgungi and the fans screamed. He must’ve smirked or done something else to amplify his sexy. Then we broke into song again and all together.

“Bounce to you, Bounce to you / 내 가슴은 널 / 향해 잡힐 수도 없을 / 만큼 뛰고 있는걸 / Break it Down to you, Down to you / 내 가슴이 너, 널 갖지 못한다면 / 멈출 거란다 / 날 바라봐라 / 볼까말까, 볼까말까, 볼까말까 / 나 같은 남자 / 본체만체, 본체만체, 본체만체 / 돌아서 봐도 / 보고봐도, 보고봐도, 보고봐도 / 나 밖에 없다 / 보나마나, 보나마나, 보나마나 / Baby, you turn it up now” We pointed to the audience.

The audience didn’t realize Gina had gone to leave for a jacket change until now, at least that was the plan. Now being when the song changed. I was being sung to by the two boys who were so close to me right now. I’m pretty sure this was closer than what was choreographed.

Hallakgungi booped my nose, “천사의 미소로 온 걸 / 찬란히 빛나던 그 여신은 바로 너”

And Haemosu caressed my face when I turned to face him instead of him holding my hand, “내 감히 그대를 찬미하게만 해줘 Oh Yeah”

I put my arm on his shoulder, “밤이 짙을 때 Kiss you one more time / 우린 밤새 춤을 출 거야 Oh oh oh”

He began singing, “약속해 실망할 일 없을 거야 No no no / 말이 필요 없잖아”

And then Ixchel returned and sang with him, “We can take it slow!”

She had a huge smile on her face, “Lo siento, Lo siento, yo no tengo prisa vamos lento / Lo siento, Lo siento, let’s take our time / Si te beso hoy mañana me voy loca por ti no estoy”

Hallakgungi then said, “지금 널 안고 Momento”

“Si no es así” and she lifted his chin. “Lo siento. No sé cómo me enredé con tus besos”

I came in with my, “Whoa na na na yeah.”

“Fue una tentación tan solo un momento”

“Whoa na na na eh” I give her a nod.

“차가운 날 데울 사람 있다면”

She was spun into his arms, “Ahora te toca esperar”

“Can’t deny 난 솔직히 네가 아님 안될 것 같아”

And then there was cut after the dance part for Hallakgungi to come in with his rap, “Yeah! Girl, hold up with it / Boo, just wait a minute / 아무도 닿지 않는 둘이 맞는 밤의 Ending “

“Okay” was the part I was given instead of Gina.

“너를 흔들어 Like crescendo / 빈 틈 없이 쉴 틈 없이 해가 뜰 때도” Hallakgungi finished.

“Lo siento, Lo siento, woah~ Lo siento, Lo siento”

“내 눈만 봐” Tristan sang.

My girl went ham on her, “Let’s take our time!!”

Then she and Tristan sang, “Si te beso hoy mañana me voy”

“Loca por ti no estoy”

Everyone but Gina did the Korean part, “지금 널 안고 Momento.”

She smiled as we got into one of our last formations, “Si no es así”

And prayer hands, “Lo siento”

We held for 10 seconds before holding hands and bowing. Gina hugged me tightly because of how excited singing in Spanish had made her.

“Since I’m sure she has the most to say, Sugawara-ssi, what do you think?”

“So, I’ve been told Lo Siento means I’m sorry. Right?”

Gina nodded, “Yes.”

“Can I just say you have nothing to be sorry for? That was the best way to start a show. I know it can be nerve wrecking to be the first group up because you gotta change and do this and do that after the opening and then dancing, you girls in heels. I’m still not that good at that!” She laughed. “I’m just so blown away! And Iris, my dear girl, you are an amazing dance, and like, I’m gonna say this in English.”

I blushed as she stood up and pointed at me, “You, yes you, are an amazing dancer and you’ve been making amazing improvements! You rock! You rock a lot!”

I giggled and she returned to Korean, “There are things you have to work on, yes, but overall and for someone who didn’t dance before this show, you could’ve fooled me these last two weeks. Just, yes! I love everything about what you and the other deities did tonight.”

Dabit smiled, “Suga-ssi?”

“Uhhhh, Hallakgungi, good job. You went a bit too hard on the rap. It’s fun, let it be fun. Not every rap has to be edgy or rough. Gina, I was confused why you went off stage. I thought something went wrong, so work on your face, but I liked your costume change. Nice element. What did the audience think, Auqwafina?”

She smiled, “Glad you asked. There are lots of Spanish comments, and I failed that class but here is one I think is good.” She put it on the screen behind us.

Gina read it out loud, “Yes, sister, you did a great job. I was just about to go to bed when my phone started blowing up. So glad I clicked on the link. Can we please please please meet up in person someday?” Her eyes widened. “Leslie! OMG, yes! Please! I’d love that!”

Then it was Yujin’s turn, “So, I have a question. Is there a reason you guys did this version instead of the other one? I mean, you have two girls, so I would’ve thought that the other one would be more up your alley.”

I replied, “We have two Spanish speakers as well. I also personally like the Leslie Grace one better, so we decided to go with one that played to the strengths of our members instead of just gender.”

Tristan added, “Also, it adds a variety to the song instead of just the Spanish flavor, we have the actual Spanish in there.”

“How do you feel, Ixchel?” Yujin asked.

“I am on top of the world right now. This…this is a great experience. I got to represent my culture and speak my language while doing kpop. It’s just so great!” She beamed.

He nodded, “What do you want to say Bang PD-nim?”

The older man smiled and spoke in Spanish, “Ixchel, you are such a beautiful girl and you did a beautiful performance today. Can you translate for me?”

Her mouth gaped open and spoke Korean, “He just called me beautiful and said that my performance was also beautiful. Then he asked me to translate for him.”

He nodded and also returned to his less awkward Korean language, “There were a few moments here and there where you got caught up in performing so that the picture fell apart, but you all did a great job. Thanks for opening.”

We all bowed and then went off stage to change into our second outfits. If we had to buy time, there was lots of footage of interviews and behind the scenes footage that they could throw onto the screen. I was now in jeans and a leather studded jacket. Tennis shoes on my feet. Lyssa was in shorts and a wide brimmed hat. Sooja looked amazing in tight black jeans and a plaid shirt. No one was cutting their hair for this dance, so it was lots of bobby pins instead.

Or at least it would be. I was the only one ready for our next number since they were doing the last number of their 2ne1 “Fire” to “Come Back Home” to “I am the Best” mashup with Anubis. It was amusing to see Jun with CL’s bull horn hairstyle. She wanted it so badly that she made the wig himself.

I worked on getting my rings off and getting some extra bits put onto my eye since I was the “Electric Shock” era Amber. Hanmin helped me put my glove on now that the rings were off, and I thanked him. I sat in the lounge as the others got critique since I would be in the last group tonight. Only Anubis had to change for the Got7 medley. It’d take less time, so that’s why.

Tristan was in a mulitcolored striped shirt like Jinyoung’s while Hyojoon was in suspenders and matching cloves. Gina’s hair was in dual braids with bows in her hair like the girl in the MV. They weren’t doing the glasses thing because they thought it was a dumb thing. 

“Gina noona, you did great. I’m still surprised by how many people screamed at your entrance with your fur coat and everything.”

She giggled, “Me too. I thought they’d be more confused than anything. I can’t believe Leslie tweeted about me!”

“Ixchel, Haemosu, and Hallakgungi you’re needed to be waiting up front. You’re up next.” The stage manager said. “Where’s Hallakgungi?”

He had his hair in a single braid now and was wearing a bright bomber jacket, “Right here.”

“Good. Up front.”

The three left, and I went to makeup to ask if there was anything I could do to help things go faster. I was told no, so I headed to wardrobe where the answer was yes. I’d be handed clothing and was to help Sooja get ready. Lyssa was tucking her hair in the hat to make it look shorter. I unbuttoned the plaid oversized dress shirt that featured two types of plaid and held it up behind Yuhwa to get her to slide her arms in. She zipped up her pants while I began to button it back.

Then I was told to get out of the way while someone helped her put shoes on. I jumped out of the way as she was shoved into a chair. I make it sound dramatic, but we didn’t have a lot of time and they were polite about it.

Sooner or later, we were super ready to go on but ran through the moves a few times to make sure.

Lan Caihe was in Luna’s pink crop top “Four Walls” outfit. Sooja called my name and said motioned to my vest. Right, she had one too. It was on the wrong rack, but I had seen it earlier. So I went to grab it and helped her into it. Then we were ready to go as soon as the Got7 group got done with their Girls Girls Girls” “Just Right” “Lullabye” mashup. Anubis looked so cute in his donut sweater.

Hair and makeup was left. Five minutes worth of makeup had to be done in three. We even had a commercial break. We had a few more minutes cuz of the package, but they wanted us out by that time. We were, barely. We all had the single eye of dramatic makeup or something from “Electric Shock”

It went by so fast. I don’t think I got many notes, but we were told that our costuming as the best part. It was a lot of good comments which made me glad. The only bad thing was that we were out of sync a few times. Mostly just Sooja. I don’t know why, but that made me worry for her.

“Oh, right, Iris-ssi~~~” Yujin crooned.

I smiled at him, “Yes?”

“So I heard you had an interesting moment this week when you were choosing songs to perform and saw our lovely trio of dancers who came to help with choreo.” He had a cheeky grin.

I was confused, “I’m not sure what you…oh. No.” My face got hot. “You mean–”

He nodded, “You know Monster Woo, huh?”

“Please no.” I said, smiling as I wanted to hide. “Please please don’t show it.”

“Or else…?”

“I’ll never forgive you, oppa~~” I whined.

He giggled, “You will. Role clip!”

The eight of us walked into the room, and there was a close up on my face as I did a double take at Monster Woo.

“Hit me with a frying pan…Daddy.” Was I really that loud when I said that? Oh my god!

Kyle laughed and so did most of the audience when they read the subtitles and translation notes, and I just crouched down. I was so embarrassed! 

“I thought I said it in my headdd! I wasn’t…It wasn’t supposed to come out of my mouth!” I stood. “It’s from one of his SNS stories and it’s a thing!” I smiled and my face was so hot! “His fans call him Daddy and he encourages that! But like, ahhh! I’m gonna fight you, oppa~~”

He giggled. I couldn’t stand to look at anyone else.

Suga said, “Iris?”

“Yes?”

“Look at me when I’m talking at you.”

I looked at him, “Yes, Suga-nim?”

He smiled at me, “Are you blushing? I’m asking because I can’t see it.”

I nodded, “I’m blushing so hard from embarrassment. I really didn’t mean to say it out loud.”

“I know. You don’t need to explain yourself, just don’t make it a habit.”

I shook my head, “I won’t.”

“Also, I wonder Joon-oppa thinks about your little…um, outburst. I should tell him.” He laughed.

Awkwafina said, “I love how Kyle just burst out laughing when you said that, though. It’s now my favorite laugh. Quick question, Monster Woo?”

“Yes?”

“How did that make you feel?”

He laughed, “Wasn’t the first time I heard it. Probably won’t be the last. She’s a good girl though. Lots of potential.”

She nodded, “Fair enough. Good job, ladies.”

Did no one hear him say I was a “good girl”? Just me? Alright then. Then everyone was called out and we did the elemication ceremony. So many of us were already gone.

I was the first one safe. Then Yuhwa was in the bottom three. Was that my bad feeling? Was she going home? Hallakgungi was safe. Anubis was safe. Ixchel in bottom three. Tristan was safe, and I hugged him so tightly. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without him. Jun and Lyssa were left. Out of the two, Jun was in the bottom three. The others were safe, and I was happy but also scared. I didn’t wanna lose my best friend Jun. He knew the most about me and she was comfortable with me.

The house would be so quiet without him, and I would rather her never ending noise to fill the home with joy. She’d listen to be blab on about musicals with a smile on her face, and I’d do the same when he went on and on about types of wigs. We had even gotten some matching outfits since we were both hella dramatic people.

Jun was safe. Thank goodness. I kissed her cheek and wiped her tears.

“I thought I was a goner.” His breath was shaky.

Then a lighting change on the bottom two. Lyssa and Ixchel. They blew each other kisses.

Dabit spoke into the microphone, “The one goddess going home tonight is…Ixchel. Lyssa, please head back with the others.”

I didn’t know what to say. We had gotten really close lately. I was glad it wasn’t Alice, but my heart still wished no one had to leave. She began to sing “Goodbye” in Spanish. Her language that allowed her to express all the sadness and gratefulness that she had inside her own heart. None of us even tried to sing with her as we joined her on stage, just gave her hugs and told her how much we’d miss her.

Well, we had one more chance to prove to the world we belong. The last week would be a double elimination if my calculations were correct. I hoped it wouldn’t be me.


	14. Week 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having a theatre girl has its perks! A lot of work to go along with it, but it'll pay off, right? It won't go to waste. I know it! Is it a bad thing to be too into a comfort zone?

### Thursday, 9:31pm

I couldn’t help but cry. There had to be some mistake! Was this real? No, no, no! I felt my heart pound in my chest. I leaned against Jun.

“No way!” I said when the theme for next week came up.

We were still in our costumes for the night and still sad that Gina had to leave. She was gone to pack up her room and then we’d get dinner together. The same routine we had done for two months now. For now, I couldn’t help but force the happiest of tears back.

뮤지컬 극장 / 브로드 웨이 was written on screen in the familiar fancy Korean script with even fancier English underneath it. MUSICAL THEATRE / BROADWAY.

I started jumping up and down, “Yes, yes, yes! Something I have confidence in! Can it be any language?” I asked the producer and they nodded. “I…” looked around.

I had my song but if we couldn’t do the same musical, I would change mine.

“I’m so shocked! I can’t believe it! If anyone wants help–”

All the hands went up.

I giggled, “Good thing I already made a playlist for us to listen to together, but I don’t know Korean musicals. I didn’t know this was happening. I’ve just been making it out of curiosity.”

“Can you give us a musical and we translate it into Korean?” Hyojoon asked.

“You sure can!” Producer said.

I grinned, “I’ve been making notes about who could sing what musicals on my phone. This is the best news ever!”

### Friday, 12:03am

When we got home after saying our final goodbyes to Gina, I was basically the center of attention as I connected my phone to the TV. A queue of all song suggestions ready to be played.

“Gosh, I wish Matthew was here.” I told the Diary Room as I let the playlist go on even when I wasn’t upstairs. “He knew wayyy more musicals than I do. Like, I know a BUNCH, but I haven’t listened to all the ones I know. Like every theatre kid knows the name Wicked but I only know like two songs from it. I know people are going to hate me for saying this, but I haven’t listened to the musical because I do not like Idina Menzel’s voice. And that’s ok. I still respect her as an amazing performer.” I think I went on for a good half hour before someone knocked to see if I was ok.

I went back upstairs, and everyone was sitting down with notepads to write down songs they liked and wanted to perform and it was obvious the rappers were hella nervous about this challenge. James’s foot wouldn’t stop tapping and Hyojoon was biting on his pencil. There were five songs for each trainee and then just others thrown in at the end in case I had gotten their type of style wrong.

As soon as Sooja’s section was done, _Hamilton_ began playing.

“Yes!” Tristan said.

The boys’ heads bolted right up. They stared at me, shook. I smiled.

“I thought you didn’t do rap?” James said.

“I do if it’s _Hamilton_.” I replied. “Most of the songs in here include rap, but no solos. Check out Lin Manuel-Miranda’s stuff. Lots of rap. He also has a _Hamilton_ mixtape, but I’m not sure if you’ll be allowed to do stuff from it.”

Hyojoon looked like he wanted to say something, but didn’t. We went on with the playlist and I gave context to some songs and others I didn’t feel it was needed. They joked on some of the plots and I agreed some of them were kinda dumb or silly, but I loved them still. Some I didn’t really know the context for, so I told them I just stumbled upon them one way or another.

Our managers were still hanging about while we went through it. By the time the playlist was done, most people had their solos and confirmed it with their managers. Then the managers all stood up and Kyung pulled something out of his bag while Namil called everyone to pay attention.

They then spoke in unison, “Iris, you have a bonus mission if you choose to accept!”

My manager handed me the mission envelope and I opened it to read the challenge aloud, “‘Because you were so lit / about this musical bit / will you plan the opening sequence / and chose off your theatre secrets?’” I covered my mouth. “Yes. Yes! A thousand times yes!”

I hopped up and down and spun and exclaimed, “This is my week!” I even got the highest score of the week, so I got the Mint Room plus another outfit. I was gonna get me a dress this time. Some jewelry. I was gonna be struttin’

Then I was given my list of limits. How many songs, what musicals were not allowed, etc. I had 24 hours. Cool. It’d get on it once we finished the duet playlist that I made. Yep. We had to do duets and solos. We were randomized with partners that showed on the TV.

I wondered how it would work since it was an odd number, then I realized my name was shown twice. I’d have two duets, a solo, and an opening number to plan. For a second I was worried that it could be too much. It said my partners were Alice and Tristan.

“Do you still wanna plan the opening?” Sowoo asked.

“Yes.” I replied without any hesitation.

Tristan’s grip on my hand got tight, “Are you sure, noona? That’s four different performances and you’ve already done so much!”

I bit my lip, “It’s my dream to do musical theatre, and I love helping others. It’s a lot of pressure to pick the right songs for the opening, but it’s not like I’m doing the mixing. Just the order. I can do that easy peasy.”

“Anyways, she’s doing a duet with her two favorite people.” Kyung added.

“She also knows most of these songs.” Alice piped up.

I nodded, “I have the least new knowledge to take in. I’m an insomniac anyways. I’ll get it done and probably be better than any of you even with no sleep.” I flipped the air around my hair and giggled.

“Ok, noona, but please take care of yourself.” Tristan said.

“I will.” I nuzzled up to him.

So I had an opening to plan, two duets to learn, and a solo to do. I wondered what the closing would be. We’d learn it tomorrow. So I took up shop in the red room for the night. I was walking upstairs after confirming with Alice and Tristan what our songs would be. Alice and I would be doing “For Good” from Wicked and I’d be doing “Tango: Maureen” with my dongsaeng because it was the only non-romantic male/female songs that I knew.

I was about to grab my notebook and was planning to use both of my phones in research for good ensemble songs. I’d hook up the one BigHit gave me to the TV in the red room. Hyojoon and James called for me, breaking my thoughts.

“Yea?” I turned on the stairs to see them.

The white haired man asked, “You wanna do a song from _Hamilton_, don’t you?”

I smiled embarrassed, “I sort of promised myself the next time I’d get to do a big musical solo, I’d do ‘Burn’. It’s an amazing song and I know it by heart.”

“Then do it!” James said, “We can–”

“No. No. No no no no no. I got to sing it at a college talent show already. I got called Eliza the next day, so it’s fine. Besides, I’ve got a song where I can belt as much as I want.”

They were still skeptical, so I held both of their hands, “I assure you it’s ok. You guys do rap. That show has it. It’s yours, just don’t mess it up or I will have to kill you.”

James laughed, “I mean, if you don’t, the fandom will.”

“As if she’s not part of the fandom.” Hyojoon said.

I then got to work writing and mumbling to myself as I wrote down the top 10 musicals that had to be featured in the opening. Then I scratched out the ones that didn’t have good group numbers. Next, I circled the three most classic and then my three faves. I was down to six. I had to choose three songs and a solid instrumental dance number.

As I highlighted “Ti Moune’s Dance” from _Once on This Island_, I sighed. “Imani isn’t here anymore. She’d be so good for this part. I’ll see if Jun will lead this one.”

So. It took three or so hours to choose the songs after listening to them on repeat and second guessing myself. Then I just had to decide the order. Dance would be the third as per the guidelines, probably to introduce the judges. I wondered if we could get any of them to be a part of it.

I pouted when I saw _RENT_ wasn’t allowed. Korea has done it, though. I’ve watched and listened to most of it via YouTube. Maybe because we were doing it as a duet. Oh well. I texted to Kyung the final order of what I wanted the opening to be: “A Musical” from _Something Rotten_, then “Masquerade” from _Phantom of the Opera_, “Ti Moune’s Dance”, and then “I Got You” from _Bring it On_ the musical.

That last one was iffy because of the brand aspect. I still wasn’t super clear on how it worked, but I’m sure the producers or directors would change it if need be. I had a few backups just in case it got shot down. It was now like 4 in the morning.

Guess I really wouldn’t be sleeping tonight. I wasn’t really tired, so I decided to look over the lyrics for my duets. They were songs I weren’t too familiar with and we were doing them in the Korean versions.

I knew the one I was doing with alice like 40% better and that was ok. There was also a youtube channel that had the Korean version of _RENT_, so Tristan and I would be listening to that before getting official music and lyrics. That was our manager’s job, to give us the official music and lyrics for us to learn from.

I knocked on Alice’s door, but only after I listened to her finish up her solo. It seemed like I wasn’t the only one up so late. All rooms were soundproofed other than the doors. She opened up with a smile.

“You ready to listen to this song a million times?” She asked.

“Sure am!” I giggled.

We sat in our Mint room (I chose her and Jun) and listened to the lyric video even as we slept. I fell asleep on my sketches of our outfits. I doubt they’d paint my whole face and hands green, so I’d probably just wear a green outfit. Both of our phones were hooked up to chargers.

I dreamt about performing with her. We were gonna be so cute and soft, and we kissed. We held each other tight after gazing into each other. Then we instantly got disqualified and sent so many death threats. I saw myself writing a note and–

No. I woke up. No. This wasn’t going to happen. It’d be ok. We weren’t going to kiss. Even if we did, it’d probably be removed from the live broadcast.

### Friday, 8am

  
We were all woken up to eat breakfast as a family. Microwaved pastries and cereal. We’d have to go on one more shopping trip. Wow, just one.

“Hey, guys.” I sat next to the others.

“Did ya finish?” Sooja asked.

“Yep. I finished picking the opening. I’m waiting for confirmation. I’m so nervous.”

Hyojoon raised his spoon, “Which reminds me, we have a blank space in our schedule, right? What do you think it’ll be for? Also, I’m sure you did great, Iris.”

I smiled. The other said it would be for a public dance or something to show me off. I laughed, but I couldn’t help thinking they were doing this for a reason. Fenrir was the only other theater nerd in the house, but he was long gone.

“They probably had this planned for a long time and couldn’t change it.” Sooja said.

I replied, “Probably.”

Our schedules were pretty much similar for today. We’d do our usual costume consultation with our stylist and then we’d work with our duets vocally. Then we had that huge space followed by our language classes. We planned to wear our matching hoodies to the show even though it was so far away, but weeks went by fast.

### Friday, 10am

“Looks like someone is reclaiming her bee role. You’re so busy this week, Miss Iris.”

“Tell me about it.” I replied. “Sketches.” I handed Sirab my binder.

He flipped through them, “Casual, huh?”

“Yeah. It’s not like you’re gonna paint me green.” I laughed.

Ed coughed to get my attention and showed me a bunch of green face makeup. I blinked. Guess we’d be the last duet and I’d be doing the finale in green face.

“We are?”

“We are.”

“Okie dokie. Um. Not casual then.”

They shook their heads. Alice was about to cry or burst from holding in her laughter. I told her to go ahead, and she began just laughing her ass off! She had to leave the room to go collect herself, so I got fitted with Tistan first. I was excited to see him in the classic sweater. And my inner butch was ready to see the light of day. Black slacks, thick heeled Doc Martens, dress shirt and a tie. Suspenders included.

“Your coat, m’lady.” Hanmin said, placing the white accented beauty on my shoulders.

“Thank you.” I smiled and posed. “How do I look?”

“So very handsome.” He replied.

“Thank you.” I smiled and giggled.

“Are the glasses necessary?” Tristan asked.

I put them on his face, “Yes. Yes they are.”

“Alice is in hair and makeup.” Sirab took pics of my outfit next to Tristan in the classic sweater. “How do you feel?”

Tristan said, “I’m gonna be hot on stage, aren’t I? I’ll be in a sweater and dancing the tango?”

“The play mostly takes place in winter and they can’t afford heat, so yes.” I replied.

Hanmin said, “We decided to lose the scarves. Anyways, your other outfit is very…simple. We’ll be adding flair here and there. You’ve got two options, actually.”

“Awesome! Just hope I don’t die from heat stroke in this.” my dongsaeng said.

“Alright,” Sirab said. “Time to make you green, Iris.”

“Yay!” I said lamely but actually really excited.

I stuck in my earbuds and let the process begin. First, my hair had to be put into cornrows. No wig, but my hair was going to be put into a low bun as my hands were made into the signature green. I hummed along to my songs finally getting a hang of the rhythms.

I had gone nonverbal as everything was done. Tired. I was so tired. I ended up falling asleep and being woken up. Nearly screamed when I saw my own reflection.

Turning to see every angle of my face and hands, I said, “I sure am green, huh? Ok then. Dress time?”

The whole look had taken 45 minutes, my hair taking up most of the time as the greenification was about 20 minutes long. I was put into a long lacy black dress. It was a turtleneck and I got to wear a witch’s hat with it. I smiled at myself when I saw the finished look. I would be wearing the Doc Martens to save some money on budget.

Glyssa (Glinda + Lyssa) was in a puffy light blue dress with a glittering crown in her blond curls and smiled, “And here I was thinking my concept was the dark one.” She said.

We took our pictures together and then those two left while we worked on my solo costume. It’d be a leopard print dress with a collar and little bejeweled brooch belt. The brooch was from one of Jun’s older costumes. I saw a lot of previous outfits being taken and used for this week’s production.

“Can I talk to you about the opening outfits?” I asked Sirab as I was getting my accessories put on.

“What about?”

“Are we doing costume changes or just in a base outfit that will change or features that’ll change? Like a new blazer or snap on skirts. Stuff like that?” A few blocky bracelets were placed on my wrists.

He replied, “Second one. You guys will be wearing masks for _Phantom of the Opera_. Then whoever is in the dance break–which is just dancers not anyone in competition–will be in their outfits while you all change into cheer outfits.”

“Cheer outfits?”

“Yep. A mix of skirts, shorts, and pants. Crops and tops.” He giggled.

“Oh, ok. Cool. I’m excited. You’ll do a great job, I’m sure of it. You have an amazing crew.” I waved at Hanmin and the girls I had gotten to know throughout the months.

He looked at them with admiration, “I sure do.”

### Friday, 3pm

So, it turned out that our big empty slot was for a fan meeting/Q&A. I still felt like I was wiping off green even as we changed into a simple Victorian-esque look. All in black pants or jeans with frilly tops in our color with our trinkets worked into our outfits in one way or another. The remaining seven of us were sat on stage in chairs behind a table. There were bodyguards to protect us from fans. My rendition of the outfits below:

A select group of 50 fans had been chosen to come meet us and ask questions for the next three hours. They were sweet, though a few admitted that they were skeptical of me at the start of the show. Others outright said they hoped I was eliminated or their fave should’ve been on the show still instead of me. I smiled it away and gripped at my skinny jeans.

“Please move along.” Sowoo would say when they said that to me.

I felt like this was wasting time we could be using to practice. Instead I was here meeting the most…but then there was a baby! She was teething on something Gudetama related. My whole world lit up upon seeing her. I greeted her by singing the Gudetama theme song to her and making her smile.

Her name was Yuna, and she was almost two years old. I asked her mom if I could hold her and got a yes. So I bounced baby Yuna on my lap while signing things for fans and even while we were in front of the stage answering questions. Most were about relationships. Who was close? Who was not? Did we secretly hate someone? Who did we miss the most?

“Well…” I started.

“Mama, mama, mama, ma-mamy?” Yuna babbled, reaching out for mother.

“You wanna go back to mommy? She’s right there. You wanna go?” I asked in Korean.

She nodded and her mom came to get her from my lap. I waved to her as she went back into her seat.

“I love babies, ya’ll. Bye bye, Yuna.” The audience swooned. “As I was saying, I probably miss Fenrir or Ixchel the most. I think because we were all huge nerds when it came to the same types of shows and books and stuff that we’re usually embarrassed about.” I giggled. “We were just comfortable being shy with each other.”

“Can you not be shy around us?” Like everyone asked at the same time.

I motioned to them, “No~~, you just proved my point.”

Everyone laughed. James said he missed Imani the most because of the similar music taste and lifestyles but wished he was still able to cook for Dongmin. Sooja also missed Matt the most while Alice said Imani, Gina, and Nawoo. Jun agreed with Nawoo but also Dongmin because of how adorable he was. He ended up just saying everyone.

We then got asked our ideal types. Most of us gave real answers. Someone who was loyal and smart. Could cook well or wouldn’t mind that they could cook better than us. Someone who enjoyed cleaning or certain features like kind eyes or a sparkling smile. I said someone loyal and openminded who liked to learn and talk about what they learned. Someone very patient.

Then when it got to Tristan, he said, “Noona!” and blew a kiss at me which I grabbed and threw at the fans. Then he got up and started chasing me saying he wanted someone as cute as I was and that would take care of him the same amount he took care of them.

“Are you done~?” I said, matching his lovestruck tone. “You’re almost as bad as Nawoo when you get all flirty and charming.” I pinched his cheek.

He smiled at me and laughed.

“Sing a love song!” Someone yelled. Everyone agreed and was soon shouting out song titles until we got them to quiet down.

I was surprised, “Now?”

“YEAAA~”

“Do we know the same love songs?” I asked Tristan.

“Disney? We can do Disney songs.” He suggested.

I nodded, “I’m not very confident is Disney, but we can do ‘A Whole New World’ from Aladdin.”

“High School Musical? ‘The Start of Something New’?”

“Yes, English?”

He smiled, “Yes!”

So we got James play it on his phone, the instrumental that is. We performed it for the fans who loved it. All the spinning around. Smiled. And we ended with our foreheads pressed against each other. The fans cheered and we bowed before returning to our seats. Several questions later, we were done. We had to go get changed in our regular clothing.

Maybe this fan meet wasn’t a waste of time after all. We made a connection with some devout followers of the show and of BigHit as a whole. We had a bit of one on one time with people who had been supporting us and those couple of minutes may have convinced them to support us. It was basically the only way I could, we could meet the people rooting us on when we only knew them as usernames on a screen.

Still, I was itching to practice something.

### Saturday, 10:34am

Since I didn’t have time for voice lessons and such yesterday, I had mine right before lunch. It was for my solo. Yujin oppa as well as a girl I had never seen before were there. She didn’t seem much younger than my little sister.

We bowed to each other and Yujin introduced us.

“Iris, this is my daughter, Madeline. It’s her 14th birthday today. Say hi, Maddy.”

She bowed again, “Hello. It is nice to meet you, Iris. You are so much prettier in person.”

I blushed, “Oh, thank you. Also, Happy birthday!”

“Thank you!!” She had her dad’s hazel eyes. The freckles must’ve belonged to her mother.

We went into the studio, and I set my stuff down before heading into the booth. After a quick warm up and mic check, I began to sing.

“There’s a light in the darkness…though the night is black as my skin. There’s a light, burning bright, showing me the way…But I know where I’ve been…”

…

After a few takes, I sat and listened to my voice. Something I had to get used to hearing a lot since I’ve been on the show. It was probably around noon by now what with all the notes between takes and false starts.

“Dad, I’m hungry.” Madeline said.

He handed her some cash, “The vending machines are on the left. Get us some water, too, please, my helpful little princess?”

She beamed, “Ok! I love being helpful!” and she bounced out of the room.

He hadn’t been a very physically affectionate father, but I could tell her loved her. Maybe she wasn’t that open to physical affection. However, I felt like it was the other way around.

“So she’s 14?” I asked trying to get him to talk about it more. He seemed so young to have a child of that age.

Yujin-oppa nodded, “Yes. I was 16.”

I looked at him, surprised, “And her mother?”

He stared at the ground, “Was 13 when she had her.”

“What?” I blinked. “Th-thirteen?”

A solemn nod, “We were both stupid. We worked on a TV show together, fooled around and fell in what we thought was love. Then Maddy happened.”

Yujin explained how he took all the blame and made sure his career got ruined instead of her mother. He worked in offices and couldn’t get any job in the arts until this judging gig no matter what country he had gone to. He and the mother were still friends.

“That’s good, being her friend still. I’m sure Madeline appreciates it.” I was going to pat his arm or something, but pulled back. “Should we go again?” I stood.

“Yeah, and before she comes back. Sing happy birthday for her?”

“Sure.” I put the headphones and sang the song.

I then sang my solo once more before Madeline came back in with snacks and drinks. I took the ones she got for me on my way out and gave the teen a huge birthday hug. It was sad that I wouldn’t be able to eat the snacks with her, but I had to go to hair and makeup after lunch to get my hair done again.

### Saturday, 1:04pm

They wouldn’t have time for braids, so they worked hard to do a bun without braids. Much faster than before.

Then it was duet choreo time with my darling Tristan. We wore our shoes to practice and didn’t get anything longer than a five minute break for two whole hours. We were very professional when it came to dancing like this. Y’know, other than trying to–

Phone call. We had to change our song. Another group was doing _RENT_ and it worked better for them meaning we were shafted.

“Just do a love song if you have to. You have an hour before we decide for you.” Said Adora probably speaking on behalf of the production crew or whatever.

“Ok,” I was so crushed as I hung up, “This sucks!”

Tristan rubbed my back, “We’ll think of something. Let’s head to a nearby cafe, ok?”

“Alright,” I sighed.

We grabbed our bags, thanked the choreographer for her time and apologized for wasting it. Then we went to a blue and gold marble themed cafe and ordered coffees and a cupcake to help us think. We panicked for a bit. I ruled out Disney. It was the theatre girl in me, but the clock was ticking.

“Noona?” He touched my wrist.

I jerked my head up and looked at him, seconds away from breaking my pencil, “Yeah?”

“Where’d you get the Korean version of the song we were gonna do? Do they have any more musicals in Korean?” Tristan asked.

I gasped and got busy with my fingers on my mobile’s keypad, “You’re a genius, my lovely dongsaeng. Oh, I hope there is. This channel has been inactive for years.”

The channel only had one other Korean musical playlist and I knew one song from it. I put one earphone into my ear and the other into Tristan’s. I knew the English version of this musical, Mamma Mia so I remembered a duet from it. I mouthed the lyrics to it in English.

Once the song was done, I asked him, “So, what do you think?”

He nodded, “I like it. Lots of passion.”

I gave a relieved sigh, “Yeah. I like it too. Let’s call up Adora and tell her we have a new song.”

Tristan smiled and held my hand, “I’m sorry we couldn’t do _RENT_. I know you love that musical.”

“As long as someone’s doing it, I’m happy.” I said and left to make the call.

### Saturday, 6:24pm

Sirab, Hanmin, and two other staff were waiting for us when we came for costuming. We gave each other the look of ‘I’m so sorry this has to happen, but let’s do this shit’ and it was announced we’d be having a late dinner. Then we were shown outfits from different productions and chose pieces we liked. Sooner or later, we narrowed hundreds of choices down to dozens.

Option 1 - Tristan: Shorts and and opened button up  
Option 1 - Me: Skirt and a bathing suit  
Option 2: Matching rompers  
Option 3 - Tristan: Tank top and shorts  
Option 3 - Me: Flowy dress

Not to mention colors. We had several for those which added more variety. I realized the bathing suit idea probably would get vetoed really quickly to be broadcasted on TV even though I really liked the idea. So we tried the matching rompers. Too kitsch. A flowy dress it was then for me. Tristan wanted a closed button up. Then we finally had it.

Our outfits were done after some decisions and sampling, and we’d have to eat quickly because we weren’t allowed food after 8 because they didn’t want us getting more fat than we were on average. Nothing too salty, so we had sub sandwiches. The rest of the outfit like shoes and accessories would be chosen tomorrow along with makeup. I was happy that we were the same about of caught up as before…mostly.

“You think we’ll have a longer lesson so we can learn the song?” My dongsaeng asked once we were in the car.

I nodded, “Yeah. Hopefully. Wanna listen deeply now?”

That was when we forced ourselves to listen to either the lyrics or the music because we didn’t have the official sheets yet to learn from. It helped us get ahead and we mumbled along if we thought we had the hang of it.

“Yes, please.”

We put in our earbuds and listened and replayed our song over and over again listening to our part. I knew the tune. He knew the language. I moved my mouth into the shapes I thought they were supposed to be in, trying to imagine the hangul in my head. We’d get our hands on the lyrics soon.

As we got home, we told each other goodnight and listened to our song in our sleep. At least I was. I whispered to my camera after I finished my night time face and hair routine.

“I am a bit frustrated and panicked, but I think we can do well. I think we can learn the lyrics today and do choreo tomorrow.” Jun stirred and didn’t wake, so I continued. “There are rumors that the directors wanted us to do a love duet from the start. I didn’t wanna ever do a love song with him because it’s predictable, but if we do well, we might do more. We’re just *yawwwn* friends though.”

I smiled, “That means it’s sleep time. Nighty night.”

### Sunday, 9:19am

We showed up at Yujin’s house in pajamas still. He had coffee waiting for us and tea. After a few sips and a short convo of how we wanted it to sound, we did warmups and tackled the lyrics and music. (Quick author’s note. I found 3 different translations for this song and went with the one in the YouTube Comments. So credit goes to ddd j. Ok? Let’s go.)

Tristan looked me in the eyes, “질투란건 내겐 없었어 하지만 이젠 남자는 모두 적이야(호우) / 그리고 넌 내게 말했지 내 단점은 오직 담배피는거라고…”

“Wait, wait.” I said and looked at Yujin. “Are we not going to wake oppa’s daughter if we’re being this loud?” I asked.

He shook his head, “Maddy lives with her mother and step father. I only got to see her since it was her birthday. I see her often, but this show has been cutting into daddy-daughter time. So she’s not here right now.”

“Noona knows?” Tristan raised his brow.

“Yep. Let’s focus on the music, dongsaengs. Ok?”

“Yes, sir.” We replied.

The three of us started from the top, “질투란건 내겐 없었어 하지만…” and went through the song at least three or four more times before we went out to get some breakfast in our pajamas. It was Yujin’s idea to get an American breakfast from a 50s diner styled restaurant nearby. As we ate eggs and hashbrowns and pancakes, the boys asked me what I knew about the musical we were doing.

“My character is engaged to his character, but she wants her biological father to give her away. Problem is, she doesn’t know who her father is. Her mom won’t give her any answers either because she doesn’t really know either but we don’t learn that until later.”

Yujin asked, “So, does she find out?”

I scolded him, “Patience. I’m getting there. To find out who her dad is, her and her friends read the mother’s old diary and find out her mom had three different flings the summer my character was conceived.”

“Three possible dads?” The two men gasped.

“Yep.” I nodded.

“Does she just pick one or get a DNA test?” Tristan asked.

“Nope. Too easy. She instead gets all three to the place where they live, which is in Greece by the way. This all takes place in a small Greek town. Anyways, the mom is surprised to see them and tries to avoid her past three lovers. Stuff happens as they try to find out who the real dad is and who will end up with the mother.” I looked at my pancake. “Anyone want the rest of this?”

Yujin took it, “What happens during your song?”

I thought, “Well, in the movie, they’re just flirting, I think and the whole town plays along with them. It’s pretty intense flirting, though. I’ll show you the video clip once we get back, speaking of which…”

“We should be getting back.” Tristan said.

“You’re right.” Our elder said. “I’ll pay.”

### Sunday, 11:12am

Back at oppa’s place, we watched the clip for some context and Yujin asked if we were getting backup dancers. That, we did not know. He then directed us to sound more like flirting and being sexy with each other.

I laughed, “I can’t flirt to save my life.”

Tristan grabbed my arms behind my back, “If someone had a gun to you or your family and said ‘flirt with this person or die’ what would you do?” He had a two finger gun pointed at my forehead.

“Die.” I replied. “I would die.”

They laughed at my overly confident answer, and Tristan let go of me. 

Then when Alice arrived for practice and Tristan went home. I was really wanting to show that I could take everything they threw at me. Song? Dance? Planning the intro? I could do it. I was doing it and making my old self proud at what I was becoming.

I held Alice’s hand as I sang my part and she smiled at me, allowing herself to get closer.

“우리 다시 만날 수 없다하여도 / 너는 이미 심장의 일부가 되어 / 나 숨쉬는 매 순간 항상 곁에서 / 힘을 내라 미소지어 줄테지 / 내일을 알 수 없는 내 삶이 / 너의 존재로 이렇게 따스해졌어…”

And she touched my face as I sang.

Once the song was over, Yujin smiled, “You’re flirting, Iris. How come you can flirt more comfortable with Lyssa than Haemosu?”

“Two reasons. One, these characters are actually shipped together by the fandom. Two, she’s always flirting with me, so I’m used to it. I’m comfortable being sweet with her.”

“Be sweet with Tristan some more. You two have chemistry, but it’s not the kind we need for this song.” He said.

I looked at Alice then back at him,”Ok. I’ll do my best, oppa.”

He wanted to listen to Lyssa’s solo. I was so glad she was doing “Charming” from the Great Comet. It fit her voice surprisingly well. I found myself dancing along. It had to be put into a higher key because of Alice’s voice, but it was still so beautiful.

“Hehe, you really did choose everyone’s song, huh?” Yujin asked once the song finished.

“Nope, just showed them a bunch and they chose ‘em. They had a lot of options, didn’t you, Alice?”

She nodded while drinking water, “Yeah. Took us the whole night to get through them all. She sang along to most of them that time too.” She laughed.

“English and Korean?” He asked.

“And Danish, Icelandic, and Spanish.” I teased. “There’s a channel with different language soundtracks.”

He played a bit of a song on his piano, “Guess what this is?”

“‘Everything Goes’. Heard Barrowman sing it.”

“Guess this one.”

“‘Age of Aquarius’ from Hair.”

Yujin tickled ivory after ivory trying to stump me, but I was too good. I had either seen the musical, head the soundtrack, or it was a meme in one of my theatre classes

He finally gave up and sighed, “Ok, wow. You’re good.”

“You just need to know more musicals.” I giggled.

There was a dual Kakao of cell phones. We had to go to Opening Number Choreography. We’d record our vocals tomorrow. We bowed and left making sure to help him clean up before we left and thanking him for his time.

### Sunday, 5:55pm

The opening sequence had finished being edited. I was excited to hear it and see the moves we’d have to do. It was so good! Jun massaged my shoulders in support as we were in our workout gear listening to it all the way through for the first time.

Lia Kim paused the music as it started over, “Well, Iris, you made some real good joices. Choreographing this has been the most fun I’ve had in awhile. I like how you went from classic to modern.”

“I’m glad they took my note on not making the dance segment completely traditionally Korean but mashing the two styles together.” I said remembering when they sent me a draft with the island tune completely replaced and how disgusted it made me feel.

“Me too! Alright, so let’s start from the top. James, you and Sooja will be doing the speaking part at the beginning and everyone will be back in the wings.”

They were handed pieces of paper with their lines and did them. Then we began doing the stuff in the back with other dancers. I recall a big chunk being taken out because we were ending with this song in the opening as well. It made me so giddy to be doing this again. The whole theatre thing.

I saw ‘stairs’ in her notes and knew it’d be for _Phantom_. Then we were given a dancer partner who would approach us after “A Musical” and put masks on us. Phillip was mine and he tied mine behind my head since rubber would snap.

We worked on the timing about five hundred times before everyone could do it in rhythm and before we had to sing out. I may have startled a few folks with how operatic I could make my voice sound. All eyes were on me, so I had to go all out.

Then Lia said we had about three minutes to change into cheerleading outfits as of right now, but we had the judges coming out during this section so maybe five? Either way, we’d be stripping in front of each other to put on our other costumes.

“Nothing new.” I said.

More looks.

“In college!” That didn’t make it sound any better. “I’ll explain later.”

So we watched the dancers do their thing after giving us their outfits because they’d be doing a quick change. Right now, it was just the masks. Then the last song came on before we went back to “A Musical” and it was “I Got You” and that would be my part first. I’d be joined by Tristan and Sooja. It wasn’t too high energy until the last chorus where I’d get lifted.

“Wait, me?” I pointed to myself.

Dancers and choreographer nodded.

“Yeah, you, glam girl.” Lia said. I had forgotten about the chubby girl getting lifted in the original choreography.

A phone alarm went off, “After dinner break, we’ll go over cheer safety since most of you will be either lifting up someone of being lifted up.”

### Sunday, 7:11pm

During dinner, I explained to the others what I meant earlier. They asked if it was uncomfortable to get undressed in front of a crowd.

“Well, yes. Not because of staring or anything but because of the limit of being quiet, changing fast, and in the dark because we couldn’t distract the audience.” I said. “Everyone’s too focused on helping each other get dressed and not missing their cue.”

It was so fun getting to talk to the others and share theatre stories. James said he did theatre once in high school and it was a big mess but lots of fun. His family diner sponsored it. This reminded me of when my high school did “In the Heights” and the female drama teacher who did the musicals and loved the musical basically made the cast do ‘brown face’ by making them all get tans and dye their hair black because we had a very small Hispanic population, even smaller when you counted how many were into theatre.

I repeated these stories to the camera once I was in the Diary Room at home.

### Monday, 5:05am | Tristan POV

The boys and I got home around 5 in the morning, meaning we had to go straight to bed because we had like three hours of sleep. I shut down once I got into my bedroom. My song played me into a deep slumber.

“Tristan-ssi. Tristan-ssi, wake up. You need to get into the shower. We have guests.” Whoever was speaking wasn’t a native Korean.

I opened my eyes and saw James at my bedside.

“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty.” He chuckled and said in English.

That, I could understand. I saw a cameraman pointing the lens right at me, and I groaned, covering myself with the sheet, “Really? This early?”

“Yep.” James shook me. “We’ve got interviews to do. ‘Iris Noona’ told you to wear her red scarf today. Don’t ask me why because I don’t know.”

I peeked and saw him holding it out to me. I blushed and sighed, not able to deny I wanted to do what Noona told me to. I reached out my hand. The scarf was placed inside my waiting palm, and I sat up stretching and giving a big yawn. I then stared at the scarf and sniffed it. Smelled like her, like lemons and vanilla.

James stood, “You’re so weird. Anyways, it’s almost nine. Your filming is the only one left since they didn’t get Sooja last night.”

I noticed his curls were now a fresh blue color, “Alright. I’ll take a shower and be out a bit.”

He left, holding up a peace sign. I stood and looked at the camera man once I finished collecting my change of clothes.

“Y’know what? Stay close to the door and I’ll sing my solo in the shower.”

Someone handed me a camera, “Angle this so we don’t see below the neck.”

I nodded, “Okie dokie.” a phrase I had picked up from Iris Noona’s texting. “I mean, neh.”

So that’s what I did and sang in English as I washed my hair, using the bottle as a microphone, “Heavy and hard is the heart of a king / King of iron, king of steel / The heart of the king loves everything / like the hammer loves the nail / but the heart of a man is a simple one / small and soft, flesh and blood / and all that it loves is a woman / a woman is all that it loves…” The water washed over me and into my hair.

Even as I dried my hair, I sang my favorite part again, “And suddenly Hades was only a man / with a taste of nectar upon his lips, singing la la la la la la la…”

Then I got dressed in my black ripped skinny jeans with a tan top, wrapping the scarf around my shoulders. I put on my glasses instead of poking my eye out to put in colored contacts. Iris’s scarf of vanilla lemon cupcakes. I couldn’t help but sniff it again, interrupted by Jun in a new blue wavy wig.

“Well good morning, handsome. They’re on the balcony.” She smiled and I complimented her hair choice.

So I went up the stairs and saw my Noona waiting for me while wearing a golden yellow dress once I stepped into the early sunlight. We hugged and I said I hoped she didn’t have to wait for too long.

“Waaaaiit for me, I’m comin’ home.” She sang and then laughed. It was from the musical I was singing. 

I giggled and sat down next to her, linking my fingers with hers. He had been holding hands since about the first day. Three or so months later, it was like second nature to us. We trusted each other. Not to mention she was very affectionate if you just gave her the chance to be, like the big sister I always wanted.

“No, I didn’t have to wait too long.” She said with a smile.

We sat near the unlit fireplace and spoke about our song. I talked about how Iris didn’t wanna do a love song at first, so we chose “Tango: Maureen” then we found out another group was doing the same musical.

I laughed, “It had happened during the middle of our tango practice too. Anyways, we ended up leaving practice to a café to figure out a song.”

“I had to give up the idea of a platonic song…a song of friendship, no romance, pretty quickly. Luckily, this smart guy here reminded me of where we got our song in the first place.” Iris rested her hand on my shoulder and then leaned onto my arm for a moment.

I grinned at my slice of sunshine as her hair tickled my arm, “She would’ve gotten there eventually.”

“And we would’ve been out of time by then.” She said to the interviewer. “They gave us an hour to pick a new song, or they would’ve phichked for us…picked for us.” she mispronounced it the first time.

“Cute noona~~” I crooned and smiled at her, poking her cheek.

She rolled her eyes and shook her head, putting up with my antics. After the interview, Iris had to work on her solo choreo and with Alice. We’d meet up later to do our thing at the studio. I had my solo interview to do now, though.

### Monday, 11:22pm

“So, how’d you choose your song?” The interviewer was more relaxed now that Iris was gone for some reason. He must have liked her.

I replied as clearly as I could, “I asked Noona if there were any plays about gods. She said yes and put songs from Hadestown into the playlist so that I could hear some of the solos. I liked the 3rd Epic the best and decided it’d be something new and fun to perform. I want to surprise the fans this week.”

He had me talk about context. The context of the play and the song we were singing. Iris probably had to explain everyone’s plays for them to record in case we messed up or forgot what it was about. She was so busy this week, so I had to do my best not to let her down. He then asked me about Iris’s attitude, like how pushy and overbearing she was.

I tilted my head, “I do not understand the question. She is not either of those things.”

“Are you sure? She picked all your songs. That seems pretty pushy to me if she didn’t let you do it on your own.” He said, pushing up his glasses.

I clarified about the playlist I mentioned earlier and said how super busy Iris was this week. More than any of us only because she wanted to be helpful. I was extremely proud of her for making herself go through such hardship in order to make sure we didn’t pick bad songs to sing on stage. She was so tired and dizzy since we stayed up all night.

He didn’t seem to like my reply and was trying to guide me, “I don’t say how you can see that when she obviously–”

“Instead of choosing her songs and letting the rest of us fend for ourselves, she helped out. Noona did her best to make sure there was stuff for everyone.” I set my jaw. “Iris is selfless and open and doesn’t have an overbearing personality at all.”

“What about last week?”

“A mood is not a personality. It is something that comes and goes. That’s been done with. There’s no reason to bring up old news.” I said, now defensive towards this jerk.

Later rather than sooner, we were done. I asked the others if they got strange questions from the interviewer. They did, especially about Iris. James didn’t notice anything strange. We had a problem. I did my best to keep it away from my Noona. I was told not to worry about it by my manager, though. So I didn’t bring it up again.

I saw Iris once me and my manager got to the dance studio. My heart hurt so much. I turned her around and hugged her tightly. It startled her. It’d be ok. Nothing would come from it.

“Are you ok?” She asked, looking into my eyes.

I smiled, “Yeah. I just missed you.”

She laughed, “You’re so silly.”

### Monday, 5:00pm | Iris POV

“너의 말과 너의 미소에 너무나 널 쉽게 사랑하게 된거야 / 아직도 난 알수가없어 어떻게 내가 널 사랑하게 된건지 / 너 없는세상은 난 이제 두려워 자존심도 난 버렸어 난 널위해” I sang being dramatic and reenacting the choreo I remembered from the stage play clip we watched.

“Now, Iris, get right in front of him as you sing that last bit.” The choreographer said.

I slowly squatted down in front of him, “널위해~~”

“Now, Tristan, you crawl back and Iris move forward until I say stop. Sing while doing so.” She watched.

“이젠 망설이지 말고 사랑을 내게 줘~~~” I sang, doing my best to keep eye contact with my duet partner.

There would be a fake kiss and then tristan would be lifted up and I’d be pulled back by the other dancers and singers that were there. They kept that part of the original blocking. Things were made less intimate, and both of us were grateful for that.

“Jeez,” I said, clutching my chest. “I don’t know what makes my heart pound more, being so close to Tristan or being pulled up like that.”

He smiled, “I could say the same thing.”

We had tons of fun while doing our rehearsal. It helped me with memorizing my lyrics too. I pushed Tristan away when we tried to do it a second time since I was feeling overwhelmed.

“You two are too cute. Turn the heat up.” She said while we stood up. “Kiss her.”

Tristan grabbed my hand and gave it a smooch.

“You’re so cute, Tristan.” The choreographer said.

She sighed, “Your turn, Iris.”

I nodded and then looked at him, “Crouch.”

When he crouched, I kissed his jaw line so very close to his neck and ear. He blinked and pulled back. His ears got red instantly. It’s almost like he forgot that I had done Adam Lambert before and that sexy was something I could do if I put my mind to it.

I giggled, “Tristan, remember the week you did the opening? Give me that. Give me that seductive and charming God you’re growing into.”

“Yes, listen to her.” The choreographer said.

He raised a brow and bit back a smirk, “You sure, Noona?”

I grabbed the front of his shirt, “Give it to me.”

“Noona, you’re different today.”

“I’m Sophie right now, ok?”

He swallowed and nodded, hugging my waist, “Ok.”

“Yes! Ok, with this heat, let’s start from the beginning.”

We began singing and dancing and the choreographer was loving it, the way we relaxed into each other and just let ourselves be super intense and seductive and sensual with the lyrics and such. I remembered what Yujin had said, but I didn’t feel like being sweet right now. It was a battle of dominance throughout the whole thing. Even when the others game and unbuttoned his shirt, we had tension in our words.

The two of us were panting afterwards as he held me from behind.

The choreographer was jumping up and down, “That is what I’m talking about, damn! They can’t show this part because it’ll get an R rating! Wow. Ok, so I love what you did for the ending. We’ll keep that. Just add a bit of sugar back into the spice this next time, ok?”

“Yes, ma’am.” We both said.

“Quick break first, I’m sure we all need a break.” She fanned herself.

Everyone nodded and I felt my cheeks get super hot as reality set in. What the fuck did I just do? I stared at Tristan and started laughing. I really did that. Wow. Some people had stiffies and semis and went to the bathroom to sort that out. Although, y’know. It was break and it was just casual bathroom use.

“Good…um, good job.” I said.

Then we worked on dialing back and mixing the cuteness back into it. Time flew. Soon enough, we were headed back home. As soon as we got in, we were asked to perform for the others. Tristan and I had arrived in the middle of what we called a Rough Draft showcase where we gave each other tips and stuff on how to improve.

We still ended in him giving me a back hug and us panting super hard. Then we held hands and bowed to the others.

“So, any tips?”

“Plan your breathing.” Hyojoon said.

Jun piped up, “Also, did you guys finally fuck or something?”

We laughed and Tristan asked, “No. What makes you think that?”

Lyssa blinked, “Well. Your dynamic seems to have changed drastically. Like, the chemistry was so, so intense! I don’t even…what?”

Tristan said, “We’re in character.”

“And if the scene ends?” Sooja asked.

My dongsaeng rested his head on my shoulder, and I smiled while I scratched his head. I even pinched his cheek cuz it was so cute. Then we showed off our solos. Both of us would mostly just be standing for this. Him while he played his instrument and me while a chorus would be revealed behind me. Some managers had been sent to scout Itaewon for singers of darker complexions, Koreans and black foreigners alike.

“Oh, right, Lyssa. You have a song with Iris too.” James said. “Can you show us?”

With everyone having shown off their songs and me giving my notes here and there as well for the theatre side of things, we decided this would be our best show ever other than our duet with idols week.

“Wait, guys, it’s week 9.” James said. “Like actual week 9. This actually HAS to be our best show. It’s the last time we are able to get votes.”

It got quiet. After this, there was only one week left. One show until this was all over. Just another seven or so days with each other like this. It hit hard.

As I looked around, I couldn’t help but think, There’s only us. There’s only this. Forget, regret, or life is yours to miss. No other path, no other way.

“No day but today.” I said aloud. “Let’s just focus on the now, alright? We can be sad next week, but right now, we’re still here.”

We agreed to leave the sadness for later.

“Last one to the pool buys lunch!” Sooja said.

Everyone raced to the pool and jumped in with our sweaty sweaty clothes on. We were happy. Right now in this moment. So what if it was week 9? We were a family. We had each other through thick and thin.

### Thursday, 6:40pm

We were all dressed in our sparkly opening outfits. Lacy and silky in my case. The last couple of days were filled with what I felt was the hardest dance practices of the season. I’d worked so hard since I knew all eyes would be on me as the ‘musical theatre girl’ tonight.

All seven of us had outfits one would wear to a cocktail party. I already had my hair prepared to get a wig cap on it as my hair was flat braided to one side, allowing the other side of twists to bounce around freely. We decided to go with this since it worked for my first two performances, after my third, it’d be taken down and put into it’s low bun.

My song with Lyssa would be the last song before the finale which was “Seasons of Love” in English, Chinese, Korean, and Spanish. Tristan would be doing Spanish while Jun would be belting in Chinese. We’d go Korean as the ‘default’ language for the parts we sang together and such. The part where we said the title was in English, though.

Wait, let me not get ahead of myself.

When we had ten minutes to live, it was the last costume check. Everyone knew where to go to change during the five minute dance break. Costumes and shoes fit and then five minutes. We were excited. It was like opening night all over again. I gave everyone a thumbs up and smoothed my pink _PROM_ dress.

It was cute and lacy and I had on safety shorts underneath. My heels were the colors of the pan flag. I was happy that Sirab got them specially made for me. Lyssa’s dress was black with a secret rainbow dress when she turned the skirt splayed out before her. Jun’s necklace was a genderfluid pride flag. The others were straight and cis as far as they knew, so they were just in their regular colors with no pride flag feature.

When we got onto stage to do the dances for “A Musical” after Sooja’s and James’s opening, I was glad not to have lines but also a bit disappointed. Either way, we soon clambered up the stairs with our partners who had tied on our masks for us in a formal fashion.

“Masquerade!” Everyone sang. “Paper faces on parade. Masquerade! Hide your face so the world will never find you. Masquerade! Every face a different shade. Masquerade! Look around, there’s another mask behind you…”

We did a few poses and a couple dance with our partners and a second before the drums kicked in, we took their masks and went backstage. Then specific ones took off their blazers or revealed a new skirt, giving them to the contestant who then bolted off stage to hand it to crew before changing into our cheerleading outfits. For me, I took Phillip’s blazer and easy to take off pants so that he was now dressed in a hanbok.

Hyojoon was on my left and Anubis was on my right with Yuhwa right in front of me as we stripped down to our undies. I slid on my pink snap pants and cheer tank top with a rainbow rose emblem blooming from my chest.

“Introducing tonight’s special judge, Lin Manuel-Miranda!!!”

I froze and looked at the TV. It was really him. Thank GOD I wasn’t doing one of his songs, but I lowkey felt bad for Hyojoon who had to do an actual rap from the musical instead of mixtape. James had decided on doing something from _The Wiz_.

My heels turned to tennis shoes and then we were back out there.

I pretended not to be out of breath as I sang, “I got you like Pokemon and Pikachu, Ron and Hermione, Baby, we get freaky. I got you like Biggie and Puffy”

“Like Oprah and Gayle”

“Big Bird and Snuffy”

We changed some of the lines to fit the Korean audience after getting approval from the people you have to get approval from to do such things.

Then I went back and raised my brows at the two strong folks who’d be lifting me. A silent way of saying “Let’s do this” and they hoisted me up. I posed then did a cartwheel out of their arms because Lia really wanted me to cartwheel. It was too loud on stage to hear the gasps that the audience probably did.

“I got you. I got you…”

Then it was time for a chorus line where we kicked and then we posed. Sooja and Alice still had their feather fans in hand. My lungs! Smile. I reminded myself. Smile! Then we broke character and bowed. We waved to the crowd while they cheered and Dabit said we’d be right back.

Water for everyone as we changed into our first outfits. Sooja slid on her ripped jeans and converse and put on a faded flannel. We all had signed our names on the hightops in sharpie. Then she was in the wings getting ready to go on stage as the first performance of the night.

For my first outfit, I was in a blue and white patterned dress, keeping my white tennis shoes on. Tristan was in a dress shirt with the same pattern and white shorts to match his own tennis shoes. There was no time for putting on a wet suit underneath, so he’d just have his shirt unbuttoned instead of a whole costume change.

It was my job to button it back up. We were waiting and getting makeup touched up. The makeup had been thinned out to look more natural instead of the glam intro makeup we had done. Sharp contours familiar to stage life.

Yuhwa had gotten her song translated into Korean. Her package played saying her only extent of musicals were the references put in some of her video games. She’d look up where it was from but never went deep into it.

“…don’t say you’re not the monster…that I knew…” She was only up there with a stool and two microphones. One for her, the other for the guitar.

I peeked into the audience and saw some people crying and holding the hand of their loved one a bit tighter. It wouldn’t be the first time they’d cry.

“'Cause I cannot play the grieving girl and lie…Saying that I miss you And that my world has gone dark / I will sing no requiem / I will sing no requiem…I will sing no requiem tonight. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh~~” Sooja smiled, bowing to the audience as they applauded. She had stood up near the end of the performance and it wasn’t rehearsed like that at all. It must’ve just felt right.

Then it was my turn to sing with Haemosu. We did the Sharpay and Ryan warm up to throw the audience off. Our interview played and recounted the ups and downs of the week. There was some weird altered part of Tristan’s part. Like, a weird set of cuts. It made it sound like I was overbearing and pushy.

I furrowed my brows at him.

“They edited it that way. I would never–”

“I know. Let’s just put on a good show.”

He nodded and smiled. I knew those weird questions I had been asked would be twisted in some way or another. Tristan must’ve gotten them too. They were so rude and shady that I didn’t even want to write about them.

Whatever.

People loved our performance. Like the gasps of awe when he laid on top of me for a moment and then we were pulled away. Oh, they ate it up! Then the looks on some faces when you could see Tristan’s V -line. They laughed when I pulled his pants up and rebuttoned the shirt. We then had our moment at the end where we just held each other.

Tristan turned me to face him, and then put our foreheads together. We were breathing hard and just smiled at each other. Then I kissed his hand like he did that day in practice. He chuckled and hugged me tight. We then bowed to the audience.

“So, that was a weird start, huh?” Yujin asked. “That footage was doctored more than Bang PD’s face.” Pause for laugh. “That footage wasn’t real, right?”

“No way!” Tristan said. “Never. Iris is the most caring Noona. Anyone could tell you she has a heart of gold.”

Those words stood out to me for some reason. It made me really happy.

Everyone smiled and oppa asked, “So what was it really like working with Iris?”

He grinned, “The best. I feel like I get more confident when I perform with her. She’s easy to rely on and inspires me to do better.”

The audience awwwwwd. Our critiques, our final critiques were to continue to support each other and Bang PD admitted that he didn’t think we could have pulled this song off without it being creepy because we always said we were like brother and sister.

“But while you were performing, I was wondering why I hadn’t gotten invited to your wedding.” He got everyone to laugh. “Good job staying in character, you guys.”

“That choreo was amazing and well executed! You expressions were on point! I know it’s early, but that’s gonna be a tough act to follow!” Sugawara said. “Also, Iris, I saw you get lifted up during the opening. You’re just getting tossed all around everywhere.”

Our special guest, Lin Manuel-Miranda spoke in English, “Ok, so IDK what she just said because the subtitles are behind, but it sounded good.”

“Really good.” I said.

“Fantastic because I’m going to agree with her. Young lady, you are Broadway through and through.”

I nearly screamed as I clutched my heart, “Really?”

“Um, duh. You helped everyone choose their songs and even planned the opening number, right? That’s super Broadway. You basically wrote a musical based jukebox musical.”

Laughter bubbled up as I nodded, “I just gave them options, and I only chose the songs in the opening and what order they’d go in. Not the serious arrangement and editing part.”

He smiled, “Humble, too. You’re amazing, Iris. Don’t sell yourself short. I can’t wait to see your solo.”

We went offstage, and I felt so good. Best comments. I told Halla to break a leg.

“I’m performing a song that one of the judge’s wrote and performed. I’m going to break something.” He replied.

“And you’ll be great doing it. I promise you.” I pat his back.

He nodded. Then it was time to change into my next outfit which was a 50s/60s era leopard print dress. I would not be wearing pants at all tonight. The shoes I changed into were simple black Mary Jane’s. Then it was hair and makeup. My hair was now hidden under a blonde 1960s updo.

I watched Hallakgungi slay it on stage with his version of “My Shot”. He was so shook to be performing in front of Lin when he didn’t even know about him 8 days ago. Even when he was given positive critiques, I noticed his hand shaking slightly. Lin called him the hip hop artist our generation needed after finding out he edited the music himself.

Then Alice was up and looked like sin on stage. The set behind her was table with couples at them. She got to play with them like in rehearsal yesterday. I loved watching her have fun.

I lip synced to Anubis and Lan Caihe doing “I’ll Cover You” from _RENT_. They were so cute together. I remembered Anubis telling me how he was forming a crush on Jun. How he was scared to be anything but straight. I told him logically to see if his feelings for Jun lasted past the finale. Sometimes just being close to someone physically often made them catch feelings. I also told him there was time to figure it out.

Seeing them perform like this made me think he might have actually liked her for a long time. It was so sincere. Lin and the audience caught it too. James blushed at the comments, and Jun held his hand, bracelets jingling.

My turn again. My choreo was mostly just standing in front of the mic and then holding hands with those who stood next to me when the time came. There were dancers holding signs and candles behind me. Not much critique. Just words of thanks and commentary saying what the song could apply to the modern day.

I decided not to say anything. Maybe afterwards, I could tell people that I didn’t like him saying those things. It felt like they were erasing history, my history.

I shook off the song and then got my wig off and hair done. Then it was time to become greenified. Lyssa was getting her dress put on. To say I was nervous would be right. This night was going way too fast. I wanted to hide. My emotions were strong and raw, and I didn’t want anyone to see me like that.

Jun put her hand under mine. He said I did a good job and then there was a minor blackout. Someone screamed. Another said to stay where we were and wait for the generators to come back on. Only like a minute later, and the generators went into effect. We pretended as though it didn’t happen even though we shared concerned glances. We didn’t have time to worry over it.

I asked someone to check on Haemosu since he was up next. He was ok and had asked about me. It made me happy that he was well. His song was about four minutes with cuts. All he needed was the bongo player with his guitar. The mic was functioning as well as the cameras. Everything seemed to be working other than the screen behind him.

They told him to go ahead, and Haemosu started to sing. His voice was so strong and steady. I swayed and sang along before I knew it, being told to stay still several times. There was a point where he got the audience to sing his “la la la”s with him. It was so beautiful.

“And he keeps his head low, and he keeps his back bending / He grows so afraid that he’ll lose what he owns / But what he doesn’t know is that what he’s defending / Is already gone.” He looked at his hands and then closed them, letting his face see the camera. “Where is the treasure inside your chest? / Where is your pleasure? Where is your youth? / Where is the man with his hat in his hands? / Who stands in the garden with nothing to lose, singing: La la la la la la la…”

“La la la la la la la…” I sang, getting the back of my dress buttoned up.

“La la la la la la la…” Tristan breathed out and looked out into the audience. “Thank you.”

The screen had flashed blue and red a few times when I’m pretty sure it was supposed to be a golden yellow during his performance. There was an eruption of applause. The cheers just didn’t die until Dabit quieted them down.

Suga said that he did get more confidence this week, referencing my baby brother’s previous comment. Aqua showed that #HaemosuIsTheLight was trending and people were saying Hades himself wanted to attend Tristan’s performance and that was why the power went out.

“I thank him for his attendance.” He said.

The light board behind him flickered and finally came on with glowing flower petals in what would’ve been a ring around him. It was such a weird day. The crowd cheered as he left the stage.

It had become sort of a routine for Tristan to find me after his stage and ask, “How did I do?” and I would reply that he was great or maybe give him a kind critique.

Today, he smiled and said, “I think I did well tonight.”

We agreed and cheered for him in our own ways.

Lan Caihe then got onto artful car wreckage and there was a warning for strobe lights. He sang “Sugar Daddy” in English and probably felt at home doing a number like this. She even went to the judges and danced with them for a good part of it before going into the VIP section and seeing Jo Kwon really had accepted her invite.

He beckoned her over and Key called him over too.

“Don’t fight, boys. There’s enough of me to go around.” Lan Caihe said as she swung her hips in a circle and eventually made his way back onto the stage.

Alice held my hand as the judges gave the genderfluid deity their critiques and comments.

“You ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.” I replied. “How do I look?

She smiled, “Unusually and exceedingly peculiar and altogether quite impossible to describe~ And me?”

I looked her up and down, “Blonde.”

Miss Stage manager in a Wicked shirt laughed. Then, our set was up. There would a clock shadow on us, so they had made a real analog clock that was about 20 feet tall and the screen would be a cream sort of color, like a dull white. We went on stage, and Alice grabbed her wand. We weren’t gonna do a book. Just like most other songs, a short description was given beforehand.

“Here’s Iris and Lyssa performing ‘For Good’ from Wicked.” Dabit said before the camera swung over to us.

Lyssa looked at me with a gentle stare, “이 세상엔 우연이란 없는 거라 / 사람들은 운명을 찾아내어 / 자석처럼 서로를 끌어당겨서 힘을 준대 / 성장할 수 있도록 / 어제와 다른 나의 인생은 / 여기까지 오게 된거야 널 만났기에” She motioned at me with her wand. “태양에게 이끌리는 작은 혜성처럼 / 바위를 만나 휘도는 / 시냇물처럼 / 너라는 중력이 손을 내밀어 / 난 너로 인하여 달라졌어, 내가”

I was in goddess mode as I held her hand, “우리 다시 만날 수 없다하여도 / 너는 이미 심장의 일부가 되어 / 나 숨쉬는 매 순간 항상 곁에서 / 힘을 내라 미소지어 줄테지 / 내일을 알 수 없는 내 삶이 / 너의 존재로 이렇게 따스해졌어 / 머나먼 바다로 떠날 항구의 배처럼 / 바람에 실려 날아갈 씨앗들처럼 / 이제는 내일로 나아갈 시간 / 난 너로 인하여”

“너로 인하여” she looked at our hands.

I lifted her face, “달라졌어, 내가” we sang together.

Then the two of us walked forward, still holding hands, as I sang, “돌이켜보자면 철없던 내가 / 너를 상처주기도 했지”

Gliyssa shook her head, “나도 너무 어렸던 것 같아.”

I took her hand in both of mine, “자 웃으며 안아주자 너와 나”

And I belted the last note and held it a bit longer as she sang, “태양에게 이끌리는 작은 혜성처럼 …” and we did our rounds.

We were back in unison as we looked at each other, “이제는 내일로 나아갈 시간 / 항상 너의 곁에서 널 지켜줄께”

“난 너로 인하여” She rubbed the brim of my hat with care.

“너로 인하여” I booped her nose and held her hand again.

The music slowed, and we gazed into each other’s hands, “너로 인하여 / 달라졌어, 내가”

We took a moment to look out into the audience and then back at each other, nodding. Then we kissed…on the lips. I didn’t know whether or not it’d get us more or less votes, but it felt right for these two characters. Mixed reactions from the live audience but a lot of gasping that we couldn’t tell was good or not.

When the two of us walked to Dabit, we heard Suga speak up first.

“Did you just…for real?” He asked.

We nodded.

“Why?”

We shrugged and Alice responded, “Why not?”

The judges called our performance flawless and drove home the point that theatre was for everyone. Aqua said that the internet wasn’t sure what to make of it, international and local because they didn’t want a lesbian kiss for show, they didn’t want it at all, they were fans and loved it. Just so many of those. Only the votes would tell.

Yujin said, “We’ll find out later why you did…”

I nodded, “Maybe. Probably. We’ll see.”

Then we went to go stand in our spots as the into music played on loop until Dabit was done speaking, making sure to touch hands with everyone we passed.

“Well, thank you all for a busy night and for sticking by us. Make sure to get every single one of your votes in tonight. Numbers and methods will be shown as the final seven contestants sing ‘Seasons of Love’ from Jonathan Larson’s _RENT_.”

There were seven spotlights, one for each of us, as we began in Korean, “오십이만 오천육백분의 귀한 시간들 / 우리들 눈앞에 놓인 수많은 나날 / 오십이만 오천육백분의 귀한 시간들 / 어떻게 재요? / 일년의 시간 / 날짜로? / 계절로? / 매일 밤 마시는 커피로? / 만남과 이별의 시간들로? / 그 오십이만 오천육백분의 귀한 시간들 / 어떻게 말해요? 산다는 것을”

Then we switched to English, “How about love?” We asked the audience. “How about love? / How about love? / Measure in love. Seasons of–”

Then the guys and girls split parts, “Love~”

“Seasons of love~”

Then Lan Caihe did her solo, “五十二萬五千六百分鐘！五十二萬五千六百個旅程要計畫。五十二萬五千六百分鐘，你要怎麼丈量一個女人或男人的一生？”

Tristan did his part in Spanish, “En verdades que ella aprendió / o en los días que el lloró / en los puentes que el construyó / O la manera de como ella murió”

This was so beautiful and showed not only how international we were, but now international kpop had become and how musicals weren’t just plays with songs. They were so much more and I hoped our message reached everyone who was listening now and who would listen in the future.

We clapped and jammed while the audience cried, “다함께 노래해 우리 인생을 위해 / 자 친구들과 함께한 일년을 노래해”

And this was Alice’s time to shine as she sang in English. I could’ve done this part, but I just had no confidence to do so.

“. You got to, you got to remember the love. Remember the love. You know that love is a gift from up above. Share love, give love, spread love. Measure, measure your life in looooovveee!” She hit that high note.

We smiled and held hands with each other, “Seasons of love (love)” and then Alice joined as she teared up a bit.

I then did the last part as I was also crying, “Measure your life. Measure your life in love~”

We then raised our arms and bowed for a solid 5 minutes while the audience cheered and cried. Our song had four languages in it and it flowed so beautifully. We all got together in a group hug as people cheered.


	15. Week 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of the road is finally here. I've made so many great friends and relationships throughout my time on the show. My legs are like jelly, but I have to...I have to do this. I have to do the finale show and probably go home afterwards. No matter how much fun it was, I knew Korea as a whole would never want someone like me to represent their idol market.

### Thursday 10pm

I was still in green makeup as we headed backstage to get our last theme. However, we were told that we’d find that out tomorrow. For now, it was time to get our makeup off and put our costumes away. Can I just say, that I had to use so many freaking makeup wipes? Like, there was a lush green mountain of makeup wipes on the floor.

I made sure to take pics with a face mask beforehand to post later. Face mask Elphie. We were allowed to just rest tonight and were promised that next week’s theme would be easy so there wouldn’t be much practice time needed.

“It’ll be an easy week.” Namil told us. “So make some fun plans.”

The seven of us took the hour long drive back home while talking in our group chat.

We all looked through the car windows to see the lights of our house very obviously on. They were off when we left. The seven of us hesitated to get out of the cars but sooner or later just stood outside. No one in power was telling us not to go in, so Tristan, Lyssa, and Hyojoon went ahead first. The others were ready to run or get back inside the cars as we hid behind them.

The door opened when we knocked.

“SURPRISE!!!”

Five familiar faces were staring back at us. Sooja pushed past everyone and ran to Matthew. James and Imani reunited. Alice and I hugged Gina while Jun and Nawoo gave each other bear hugs. Tristan and Dongmin were so glad to see each other. So many hugs! Like we hadn’t seen them and we missed them. Bows weren’t enough. We missed each other too much.

“What are you guys doing here?” Tristan asked.

“Settle down. Settle down.” It was Bang PD in the flesh.

We all bowed at him and sat on the couch and in each other’s laps, and on the arms of the couch as well. PD-nim was standing in front of the stairs. He looked at us through his glasses that rested on his nose, a gentle look in his eye but the form of a professional businessman.

“Next week is all fan favorites.” He said. “For the past week, along with regular voting, fans have voted for their favorite performance from each of you. Whatever scores the highest in the next 24 hours, you will perform. Have fun with your friends until those came in. The next hours are yours…” A small head nod and he left, “Have a good night.”

Pizza arrived. We talked all night and were told that a house livestream would start at midnight. In thirty minutes. I made eye contact with Alice, and we made a silent agreement to use that to explain why we even thought about kissing in the first place. It wasn’t cuz we were into each other like that. Though the fans knew we were not straight.

Jun went to put on a fresh wig and makeup. I wiped my face and hands to make sure no more green was on me, but there was. I put on foundation and eyeliner. Bare bones makeup the lovely paradox that it is, was what everyone did.

Then we were live. The living room TV showed the chat along with two tablets placed nearby. The twelve of us waved at the main camera.

“Look who it is, guys!” Sooja said. “All our friends are here! We have on our matching bracelets and we’ll be spending the week with you! So feel free to ask questions, we’ll do our best to answer.” She read from the script as naturally as possible.

Then Matt said, “Any hate speech or bad behavior will be banned, so keep this a positive and encouraging place, alright? Let’s have a good time.”

“Quick question,” James raised his hand. “Do all the rooms have cameras?”

“Except the bathrooms.” Namil confirmed.

We decided to hear what everyone thought of tonight’s performance. Everyone said that even though it wasn’t the biggest and most showy set of performances, they said it showed off our skill.

“You all did spectacularly.” Nawoo said.

“I wish I could’ve survived long after to do this night.” Matthew said. “Especially Hadestown! Orpheus is my dream role!”

I grinned, “Yeah. I know. We could totally duet right now.”

“Wedding Song?” He leaned closer to me.

“Wedding song.”

So we moved rooms real quick while they talked to the main camera. Sooja followed us and looked up an instrumental or sheet music. Matthew and I then sat at the upstairs piano, and we sang while he played the piano to it. Alice joined us as well, having fallen in love with the soundtrack as well. We took turns singing Eurydice’s lines.

Afterwards, Matt asked, “So, you two kissed tonight. How was that?”

“We didn’t kiss.” I glanced at Alice. “Our characters did.” I said.

Alice nodded, “Yeah. That wasn’t planned. We’ve never kissed on the lips before and I don’t think we will in the future, but it just felt right.”

I smiled, “I liked it.” a laugh left my lips. “You guys are the only people I’ve ever kissed. All the people I’ve ever smooched are in this room.”

They began laughing too. Soon enough, there were quick footsteps and I was tackle hugged by Tristan.

“Imani says she wanted to talk to you, but I just really wanted to hug my Noona.”

I smiled and then headed to see Imani.

“You’re not mad at me, right?” She asked as we were in the blue room with James there to support her.

“Nope. I almost missed you being on my case all the time…Almost.” I gave her a small smile.

She giggled and we hugged, “I missed you too, unnie. Even if you aren’t hip hop.”

“I did rap in ‘Puppy Love’, though.”

“Barely.” Imani scoffed. “Oh! James wanted to ask you something.”

I looked at him, “You wanna see me rap again, huh?”

James laughed, “Maybe, baby sis.”

After the second song, I was flooded with questions. People wanted to know what I knew about theatre. They said that they checked out the YouTube channel where we found the songs and we are so glad to have found musicals in their language.

“Iris, what is your favorite language song? Sorry for bad English.” Jun read.

“Your English is not too bad. I know what you mean.” I smiled and tapped my chin. “I think the Icelandic version of ‘Out Tonight’ from RENT. It’s techno based instead of rock and it’s sooooo cool. So cool.”

“Can you sing it?” Dongmin asked.

I shook my head, “I cannot, but y’know what? If I get into the final group, I’ll learn it and sing it just for you guys.”

The chubby maknae said, “You hear that guys? Make sure to vote, ok?”

Most of the night was spent talking and catching up. However, we went to bed one by one. Sometimes two by two or threes.

### Friday 12pm

I started to panic when I saw the time. How many things had I slept through? I was a pretty heavy sleeper. Why weren’t there any missed calls? Upon seeing Dongmin sleeping on my lap, I remembered.

“We still live?” I asked the nearest awake person.

Gina added, “Yeah.” she yawned.

Nawoo entered, “Oh, good, you’re up. We’ve got lots of food that needs eating. I was sent to wake you guys up. Can’t flirt with you when you’re asleep.” He winked and left the room.

I nodded and rolled my eyes, “Ok. Wakey wakey, Min-ie. Time for lunch. Let’s go, Min-ah.”

He yawned and rubbed his eyes, “Ok…sorry for sleeping on you, noona.”

“It’s alright. My thighs make good pillows and I’m proud of it.”

Dongmin giggled and stood up. He went to brush his teeth, and I had to kick a bit to get feeling in my legs again. Pillows with their own blood circulation. Gina was not far behind him. James and I were the last ones in the room. He smiled at me and then helped me up saying his baby sister sent pictures to inspire my finale outfits. It had been announced last night that I was very helpful the whole season, not just with songs. Costuming, getting others dressed, and handing Nawoo pads when he forgot.

Everyone was sitting around the TV watching what happened last night. Most of us had slept with face masks on. Hyojoon and Jun seemed to be the ones who had taken them off of us cuz they woke up first. It was literally a dogpile of sleepy BigHit trainees.

While we ate and drank our custard french toast and juice, we were told that we could form subunits and plan a special performance. The producer would approve them only once they were fully put together.

I pointed to James and Imani. Imani pointed to me and James. The blue haired man grinned, “Chocolate Trio!”

I laughed, “What?”

“It’s what I wanted us to be from the beginning but we never got the chance.” He replied.

The dance line, meaning Gina, Jun, Hyojoon, and Alice decided to come up with something and do it together. They said they wanted to do something that mixed all their styles together, and it was cool to hear them get all excited. The others weren’t too eager to do something extra this week and decided to take it easy.

After the meal, the Choco Trio went on a walk to figure out what we were gonna do with cameras not too far behind us…and beside us. I said I could rap if need be, and asked James what he wanted to do.

“You’ve wanted us to perform together from the start, all three of us.”

James beamed, “Well, I was thinking we could do ‘땡’. Y’know, rapline’s thing from the muster, I think.”

Imani jumped up, “In hanboks? Please?”

“Yes!” I squealed. “I’ll probably do Hobi’s verse since his flow is easier for me to latch onto.”

So we went in for a hanbok fitting. I wanted mine to be constellation themed, but this would be for my goddess. Rainbows…but not as much pink. I’d be wearing enough of it that night. It was so nice to see how everything was. Imani went for a more modern hanbok where the skirt went to her knees instead of the ground. James went red and bronze for his outfit.

“I’ll do Suga’s bit.” James said, “So I’ll need a hat.”

“Gat.” I said. “You’re gonna need a gat.”

“I’m RM!” Imani gasped. “Sis needs a fan and some matching shades.”

Speaking of fans, we ran into a bunch on our walk and took a few pictures with them as well as signed some things. I felt famous. Lots of people told Imani they wished she had stayed longer on the show. Then we got sent in the songs we’d be doing for the finale. I got to do “Strut” again! It also seemed like the fans were giving Tristan a second chance for his Hadestown performance as well.

Catching up with Imani was great. She told me and James about the ridiculous rumors she’d seen and heard about the show. How Yujin secretly hated me or was grooming me to take care of his daughter. Tristan and Akwafina flirting nonstop which was not something I noticed. So it probably wasn’t happening.

There were so many video compilations of “proof” that James and Suga were secretly dating and Bang PD-nim was actually my sugar daddy. I started coughing on that last one and grabbed a napkin.

“I got iced coffee up my nose.” I choked out.

The others laughed and Imani changed the camera angle to show me dying. We were all having a day off, but we were all taking turns starring on the live stream. People in the café stared and others smiled at the group of black foreigners being rowdier than most of the other patrons.

Once my nose was free of cream and sugar, I asked what chat was saying.

“Mostly, they’re hoping you’re ok.” Then she turned to the stram. “Yeah, she’s fine, guys. Some coffee just got in her nose. Don’t worry, it was cold.”

I reached for the camera and showed them I was ok. We were trying to think of something to do next. None of us were tired and were feeding off of the good vibes and energy. I was still pretty good and in a social mood as well.

“Iris-nim?” A face I recognized just barely smiled at me. “It’s me”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know…”

“Are you sure? I mean it was pretty dark when we met last. I’ll reintroduce myself. I’m Jitae. We met at the club a few months ago.”

I nodded as my eyes went wide, “Right! Yes. I remember now.” My cheeks were warm. “How have you been?”

Curse my Southern Hospitality upbringing.

“Been good. I’ve voted for you every week since we’ve met.” He gave a shy smile.

“Oh, thank you!” I could hear the fakeness in my own voice.

Imani cleared her throat.

“Jitae, this is Anubis and Aphrodite. I am sure you recognize them from the show.”

He bowed and they bowed back. I felt like there was too much attention on me. On us. I didn’t want to talk to some stranger from the club, and I wanted him to go away.

I said, “We are doing a livestream right now, so…” leave!

“Oh, he knows.” A boy with iridescent raven black hair said. “He has been watching all day. ‘Look how cute my Iris is.’ ‘My goddess is so precious’ It was his idea to come here in the first place.”

“Was it?” I gave Imani a look.

He paused, “Where are my manners?” He bowed. “I am Jeon Alexi.”

More bows from both sides.

I asked, “That is a Russian name, right?”

He nodded, “I was conceived there on the evening of–”

“TMI!” Imani giggled.

I then turned to the camera, “Oh, sorry, guys. We have some surprise guests. I went to a club with Jun, James, Tristan, and Alice a few months ago and met a guy. That guy is here now with his friend.” I repeated myself in English.

Show us! Who? What club? The chat asked, and I got a text saying it was ok to show them if I got their permission.

“Do you guys wanna say hi? Is it ok to show you?” I had to own up to this.

They did and waved to the camera, introducing themselves. They were both college students and Alexi was a model as well. He talked to Imani and James while Jitae kept his attention on me.

“You never messaged me back.”

“I was not exactly sober when we met, and I was busy. Also, I am _really_ not looking for a boyfriend at the moment.”

Alexi cut in, “What about a girlfriend?”

“Nope. No romantic partner of any type.” I said.

The Russian conceived man pouted a bit, “Understood. Isn’t that right, hyung?”

“Yeah…” Jitae sighed.

Imani spoke up, “Unnie, we should get going.”

I nodded, “Yeah.”

We began to get our things and bowed and left, saying our goodbyes. I was so glad to get out of there.

“I hope you win, Iris!” The club cutie exclaimed.

I quickly bowed and exited and James said, “So…Iris…how was that?”

“I mean, they cute, but that’s a no from me. They’re rowdy and needy and my career comes first. I do hope we can maybe become friends in the future. Jitae, if you’re still watching, I thank you for your support and hope that you’ll stay my fan and maybe be my friend as well if that’s what the fates allow. Hearteu!” I gave him and the fans a finger heart.

Once at home, I found the geek duo playing video games and they asked if we wanted to play Just Dance after their current arena session on Sea of Thieves. I said I needed a nap. After the whole Jitae and Alexi surprise meeting, I needed a long ass nap.

I actually had time to sleep, so I put my earphones in, put on rain ASMR, and slept.

### Saturday, 5am

When I woke up, it was five in the morning. Nearly 12 hours of sleep. Everyone else was crashed on the beds and couches. Looking at my phone, the whole week up to the final would be live instead of just that one day. So I waved to the cameras and snuck to get water after changing into actual pajamas. I was in one of my more high femme gowns and noticed Alice on the balcony on my way back up.

“Hey, cutie.” I said.

She was obviously wiping her tears, “Oh, hey, you’re up.” We had to check your pulse a couple of times to make sure you’re still with us.”

“Are you ok?”

“I just…I’m so scared! I feel like. I feel like I’ve failed. Getting so far and then not in the final five!” She sobbed. “What if I’m not good enough to debut–just a failure–”

I grabbed her arms and got her to sit, “Hey, listen to me. Alice, you are an amazing singer! Anyone who can hear knows that. Anyone who can see can tell you’re a visual! You work so hard to learn choreo and it pays off!”

She shook her head, “But what if the fans don’t like me or BigHit or Bang PD-nim still just thinks I’m an untalented blonde lesbian half breed.”

“Then they’re wrong. They’re wrong. You are one of the most talented people I know!” I held her hands. “If you were untalented, you’d still be in your Aussie bedroom doing kpop covers.”

“But I’m not.” She said in a way that it sounded like she was realizing it herself.

“You’re not. You’re in Korea in a house full of _handpicked_ trainees, and like 25% of us aren’t straight. So what if you have a preference for girls and don’t wanna choose a label for yourself? This wasn’t an accident.” I shook her hands, getting her to giggle. “You’re talented, smart, beautiful, queer as fuck just like me, Jun, Nawoo, maybe some of the others. The judges love you. The fans love you…Korea loves you.”

She looked up at me, “Do you love me?”

“Do I love you? Of course I, you think I. Gurl. I love you so much, Alice. If I didn’t know any better, I would say you’re my wonderland.”

Alice hid her face, “You’re gonna make me cry again.”

I wiped her tears with the sleeve of my nightgown, “As long as they’re good tears…”

She nodded, “They are. They are.” She hugged me. “You’re the best, Farai! I’m sorry for dumping this all on you.’

“No worries, love. I’m just glad I could help.”

I hugged Alice and she went back inside, hopefully to get some more rest. I grabbed a tablet.

The chat sped up a bit, “You’re awake! How was your sleep? Unnie looks so cute even when sleepy.”

“Why thank you. Speaking of which, how many of you should be asleep?”

The chat lit up with so many people admitting they should have been in bed a long time ago. I said I would sing them a lullaby and so many hearts filled the chat.

“I’ll sing two songs and then if you’re still awake, you can watch me take a quick nap before work begins for the day.” I then repeated myself in Korean.

Then I started singing, “There’s a sad sort of clanging in the clock in the hall and the bell in the steeple too…”

I sang it more gently than usual and did the same for “No One Else” and then said I would go back to bed. I told them goodnight and slept for a good two and a half more hours.

### Saturday, 8:05am

The smell of chocolate woke me up. It felt like a warm hug. I greeted everyone and Hyojoon hugged me. Told me to sit on his lap.

“Uh, sure?” I said, confused because he wasn’t usually this touchy. “If your legs go numb, let me know and I’ll get up.”

“Boy, you too tiny to be doing this.” Imani giggled.

“Shhhh” He pouted.

I laughed, “Tiny boys can get it, too.”

James choked on his drink and started coughing, “Napkin, please.”

Tristan quickly got some paper towels and handed them to his hyung. He then asked what happened.

“What is Iris Noona getting?” He knew a bit of English, but innuendo wasn’t readily taught in class.

Alice whispered into his ear, moving her hands as she spoke. I could see his dark brown eyes widen and he covered his mouth though he was unable to stifle his laugh.

Jun handed me a chocolate chip waffle that was all sorts of gooey and also pointed to the island where all sorts of toppings were. I got up and went to fix my food but Hyojoon came with me “to help”. Some giggled. Something was up.

Fine, two could play at that game.

“Oppa~,” I frowned. “I can’t get the whipped cream to come out.”

He approached and looked into the nozzle, “I think–”

I squirted it into his face. Everyone was silent and trying not to laugh. Just stifled chuckles and gasps as he looked at me…

“Nevermind~~, oppa.” I sprayed it in the waffle and went to find some strawberries.

I felt something trickle down my head, “You are a bit nuts.”

“Oh my god, my hair!” I grabbed chocolate syrup and squirt some in his face.

He grabbed the caramel and did the same to be. He got to the sprinkles first and tossed them all over me. We did an all out food fight with Jun hiding and avoiding us. I really do not know what got into me. This was so messy and we’d probably have to clean this up later, but I was having a good time, only feeling bad for my hair.

“What the hell!” a voice on the PA said. “Iris, Hallakgungi, stop it right now!”

We froze in place. My nightgown was ruined. A familiar body guard came in and told us to shower once before cleaning all this up and once after. We did and it had to be done before our first scheduled thing.

### Saturday, 3pm

I had left the shower a long time ago and sprinkles were still dropping out of my curls. To be fair, brown spots were forming on Hyojoon’s clothes and the choreographer kept asking who smelled like chocolate.

We were learning the choreo for “Idol” since it was the opening for this final week. God it was hard and intense. I already knew part of the dance but I now had to do it with 11 others. We all just worked, ignoring the pain and fatigue. We’d also be singing and rapping but we’d do all that tomorrow. All. Of. It.

So we all were quiet and tired when we got home. I took my third shower of the day. As soon as I came out, I was enraptured by piano music.

Matthew was playing and singing, “Living in my own world. Didn’t understand that anything can happen when you take a chance.”

I joined in while wearing my robe, “I never believed in what I couldn’t see. I never opened my heart.”

“Oh”

“To all the possibilities ooh”

He smiled at me and pointed to the tablet that was showing video and the chat. I guess he was making sure that I was all covered and nothing too important showed on the web. I nodded and we continued singing. I just couldn’t turn and be spun around in case it flew up.

“This could be the start of something new. It feels so right to be here with you. Oh and now looking in your eyes.”

I put my hand on my chest, “I feel in my heart~”

And we sang together, “The start of something new”

Matthew was wearing a Team Rocket shirt and some jeans with red suspenders. He was such a dork, “Now who’d have ever thought that Mm”

“We’d both be here tonight” We sang.

“And the world looks so much brighter”

“Brighter brighter~” A dork with such a soulful voice.

I soon sat next to him as we crooned together. If I didn’t make it, I’d love to form a duo with him and just sing R&B and indie songs in an AKMU meets Bol4 kind of way. We’d be really good and multilingual. Thinking about it, we’d actually be successful, but I wanted to be part of Dei5 first and foremost.

“I didn’t know that it could happen ‘til it happened to me. Ooh yeah” He threw his head back and then we joined voices. “I didn’t know it before but know it’s easy to see Oh!”

We giggled through the next couple of lines and I held my robe closed. It looked like his pants were not ripped on accident. I wonder what he did. Probably just bent the wrong way since they were very tight skinny jeans by the looks of it.

“The start of something new…” We looked in each other’s eyes and smiled.

“I didn’t even think I remembered that.” I smiled at Matthew. “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome, Farai. So, your first kiss was with me. How does it feel to see me again?” He continued to play a melody.

I smiled, “You… have been missed. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about the one that got away.”

He blushed, “So I saw you’re doing ‘Strut’. Can’t wait to see that in person again.”

“Yeah, I’m about to head to practice once I finish getting ready. Wanna come? Imani’s coming too.” I said to him and the chat. “So don’t get any ideas.”

He giggled, “Sure. Quick refresh and then making out vocals bleed with practice.”

“That part isn’t live, right?”

Matt shook his head, “You guys will be watching the house for clues just like last night. This is a huge performance, and you’re gonna love it.”

“Iris, Kyung is here!” James called down stairs.

Shit, I wasn’t dressed.

“Gimme 10 minutes!” I smiled and pat Matthew on the back before getting ready.

### Saturday, 9:08pm

“One more time from the top. Iris, glance at that phone one more time and I swear to–”

“I’m sorry!” I flinched. “I was just looking at the time.”

He looked at me, “Do you have somewhere to be?”

I shook my head, “No. Sorry, Yujin-oppa.”

“Then once again from the top.”

James started out since he was doing RM’s part, “You can call me artist / You can call me idol / 아님 어떤 다른 뭐라 해도 / I don’t care”

“I’m proud of it / 난 자유롭네 / No more irony / 나는 항상 나였기에” Tristan was doing everything for J-Hope even though he had never rapped before unless it was _Hamilton_.

Something I could no longer say.

Hyojoon then did his part, “손가락질 해 / 나는 전혀 신경 쓰지 않네 / 나를 욕하는 너의 그 이유가 뭐든 간에”

“I know what I am” James said more confidently than the first time we went through this several hours ago. “I know what I want / I never gon’ change / I never gon’ trade

Alice and Sooja said, “Trade off!”

And then Sooja continued, “뭘 어쩌고 저쩌고 떠들어대셔”

“Talkin talkin talkin” James did the shoulder thing as we all did, matching choreo to the music.

I came in doing mostly Jimin’s lines this song, “I do what I do, 그니까 넌 너나 잘하셔. You can’t stop me lovin’ myself!”

We went through and did our best vocally. The way we did this was two hours learning the lyrics and singing through it and then a 15 minute break. Now we were in the second hour of learning them again and making things more clean. I had been looking at my phone for when we were gonna get our second break.

“Beautiful! Now for some notes before you head to your individual practices…”

I looked around and felt safe…calm… happy.

“Iris, are you ok?” The choreographer asked.

I nodded and looked at the lavender haired man and the choreographer and wiped my blurring vision.

“Yes. More than ok.” I smiled. Alice placed her hand on mine.

Yujin eyes got soft and he focused on his notes, “Iris, you did good. Just sing the song as written and not as you want…at least for practice.”

“I will. Thank you, oppa.”

Soon enough, everyone was headed to their own things. Some of us had practiced earlier so we headed home to tend the stream. I heard the voice and decided to do something about it.

“Iris, wait.” Yujin called.

He had been acting weird. I talked to Imani about it and a few of the others. They came to the same conclusion as me. This couldn’t stay as it was.

“I just wanted to apologize if I was too harsh.” He said, scratching his neck.

“Yujin,” I looked at him. “Stop. Just stop. Please? I don’t know what kind of… relationship you want from me or how long you’re willing to wait, but it’s never going to happen.”

He tried to play dumb, “What do you mean, Iris? I’m just trying to make sure you’re ok. You were crying and–”

“You are so easy to read, so do not play with me. Ever since I worked with Namjoon you have turned on a switch of some sort and you have been hugging me and giving more skinship. You were jealous of him. It’s what you do. With people you are neutral to, you do not touch them or smile at them much. You are just kind. However, you scope out the people you like and want to like you and you give the ones you like most what they react the best to. With Maddy, it is snack money and ways to be helpful.”

I hated to use his daughter, but she was the only point of reference I had, “With me, it is words and praise. After seeing me with Namjoon, the increased skinship, but I do not want you. I will never want you. Be my mentor. Be my friend, but you should stop aiming for my romantic affection. You are not getting it from me.”

“Iris, I…”

“Am I wrong?” I said softly but held conviction in my stance.

“You’re not.” He put his hands in his pocket. “You can tell, huh?”

I nodded.

He sighed, “I can’t just get over you after all the time we’ve spent together. How much time we will be together, but I’ll stop pursuing you. I would not want to ruin whatever connection we have left.”

“Good.” I looked away. “I still want to be your friend, but I will hold back on calling you oppa for a while. I think you enjoy it too much.”

Yujin chuckled, “Fair enough.”

“Noona!” Dongmin called. “Kyung said to hurry up!”

I bowed, “I must go. I hope to improve under your guidance.”

Then I left and made myself accept the choice I had just made. I stared out of the window as I went home, streetlights getting blurry in my eyes. He’d be perfect for me, but I couldn’t let my mind entertain the feelings of being in a relationship with a producer! Him of all people.

I remembered the day I saw him. Our eyes met and his tone was beautiful. He was shy and lovely while I grew to know him and then a musical perfectionist as we worked together. Then last night as I sang my Great Comet solo, I… I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Yujin.

But I couldn’t let myself have him…no matter how much I wanted him. Even though it was clear he felt the same. After seeing Jitae the other day, I realized that I had left so many loose ends in the romance department. Him, that butch girl I didn’t get the number of, and Yujin. I had to cut them off.

The right thing is never easy and the easy thing is hardly ever right.

I wanted to be alone when I got home, so I jumped into the pool to hide my tears.

“You ok, sis?” Imani asked with Alice and Nawoo by her side.

“Yeah, just a hard day. It’s going to be all over soon.”

Alice hugged me my wet body, “And then you’ll be an idol!”

I laughed, “If I’m lucky.”

It had been a super tough dress rehearsal tonight. It went by rather quickly but my body was sore, and I couldn’t help but suppress a tingle in my heart when I saw Yujin. I called him -nim now instead of -oppa. Everyone noticed the honorific change wasn’t just a joke and asked if we were ok. I told them I just wanted a professional relationship with him from now on or that I didn’t feel like our relationship was one where I felt it was ok to call him oppa.

He pouted more and tried not to let his disappointment show.

I couldn’t think of that right now. How I betrayed my own heart. The show was just hours away. The last one with this group of trainees because they were gonna do it again sooner or later seeing how successful this was. Tomorrow’s show would be flawless. I just knew it. Everything was planned down to the second. The light cue to cue was a bit longer than normal but it was the finale. Of course it’d be different.

It was also a two hour show instead of our regular one hour time slot.

“Dabit really hyped up there being 15 special performances last week, huh?” Tristan said.

Sooja responded, “Well, most of the judges are performing. I mean, Suga and Aqwafina together? Of course they’re gonna hype that up.”

Everyone but the final 7 had returned to the hotel they were staying at while being back and we had been told that we needed our rooms completely empty before tomorrow. We picked up and packed and folded the last few things before pouring everyone a drink. We were piled into the hot tub as well to soothe our aching muscles. We were told that we’d get a massage before the show tomorrow, but this was for us.

Sooja, Tristan, Hyojoon, James, Alice, Jun, and me. That’s all who was left after nearly 10 weeks of the most hardcore training in vocals and dance. We had been tested in other parts too.

“I just realized,” I said. “When we had to talk to idols, they were seeing how good we were at making deals as well as our charm. Not just anybody could work with Queen Jessi.”

Hyojoon chuckled, “They did say that there were secret stats that went into the judging. Charisma was probably part of it.”

“Also, we’re gonna be working with other idols sooner or later, so they had to see if we worked well in that way too.” James added.

Jun sighed, “It really is the last show tomorrow. I’m guessing it’s a double elimination?” She took a sip of her homemade ambrosia. “Gotta love suspense.”

“Well, here we are. Where we began. In the hot tub promising we’d be a family no matter what.” Hyojoon said. “I think we’ve become stronger than family. More meaningful than simply saying best friends. You and the others make up my heart. So, we might not have kept our original plan, but I think it’s ok in this case.”

We all chuckled and then Tristan raised his cup, “Let the poet bless this round. Noona, anything to say? Any musical quote to sum it all up?”

I thought about everything I knew. A second glance at Tristan along with all the memories and swimming thoughts in my head, I knew what I wanted to say and stood up, holding his empty hand.

“We may not live to see our glory, but we have gladly joined the fight. And when our children tell our story…they’ll tell the story of tonight.”

### Thursday, 6:31pm

We were all dressed in our color coded suits. Nothing too dramatic to be done with my hair tonight. I was glad for that and so was Kei. It’d just be styled into puffs for my Choco Trio number and then be down the rest of the night with glitter and clips to accent it.

I was nervous. The live stream just ended when we left the house for what would be the last time other than moving our stuff home or into dorms. It was a fantastic journey.

### 10 minutes…

I needed Hyojoon. This was all too much. I needed to hold onto something tight and cry. There was an oncoming panic attack. Nonverbal already, I laced my hand through Hyojoon’s and he snuck us away where I could calm down.

He helped me remember to breathe and then I… I cried. I tried so hard not to, but I sobbed. Even though my makeup was just finished. I used a few tissues to wipe at my tears.

“I’m right here, Farai. Cry as much as you need. Don’t worry about the makeup.”

“I just. I don’t want it to end. It’s hit me all at once and I…I don’t know.” I blubbered and choked on the words.

He rubbed my back, “It’s ok, Farai. Just focus on tonight bit by bit.” He said. “On a night so big and special like this, it’s easy to get overwhelmed.”

Taking a deep breath, I wasn’t having an attack anymore, but still felt sad, “I want us to have a group hug. Like, before we go on.”

The white haired man chuckled, “That sounds like a great idea.”

So I wiped my face again and blew my nose and went to call everyone saying I required a hug from them together. They all latched onto one another and onto me. We were a family. This felt right. I stopped myself from thinking it was the end. It wasn’t anything like that. Just the start of something new.

Hyojoon had to get into position since we were doing the 2018 Mama version of ‘Idol’ with the grand opening and everything. Jun and Gina were doing the other parts. The opening’s opening is what we called it.

I got my face basically redone since I had wiped off a good amount of the makeup with my tears and tissues. And then I made sure there were no stains on my pink Ankara suit. After everything was touched up, we got on a float that looked like it was a lotus made out of clouds.

“You wrapped your hair!” I gasped when I saw Imani in her yellow two piece.

“Yeah. My mom always wanted to see me dressed like this, so I decided to go all out for her.” She said as one of the few girls in heels. “I thought you hated peplum tops.”

I shrugged, “It looked good this time.”

She went to her spot, and I felt butterflies in my stomach and took a deep breath in and out knowing I’d be ok. Then the music began.

There were a few nearby screens where we watched a remake of BTS’s 2018 Mama awards number. Hyojoon looked great in is blue Ankara hanbok. Just like the original, he danced barefoot. A lot of the female drummers were the original women from way back when. Instead of the fan dance, Gina was doing Jarabe Tapatío aka the Mexican Hat Dance. They wanted her to do something easy for the audience to recognize. Jun was amazing at her fan dance.

Then we came out dancing on the lost float while the rest of the intro played. We went hard! Only seven of us were singing but all 12 of us were out there dancing our hearts out. When we did our superhero poses, we were told to do something from when we did Anpanman, meaning I did a Bumblebee pose.

I was helped down the last stairs by Tristan as I sang, “I love myself, I love my fans / Love my dance and my what / 내 속안엔 몇 십 몇 백명의 내가 있어” which I swear I could do in my sleep now.

Maybe I was wearing tennis shoes for this number, but still. It was something I didn’t have to think about too hard while performing. He kept holding it, and I rolled my eyes. Then we went to our spots and made the crowd go wild! There was a glitter in my gaze. I could tell. Just that special bit that showed everyone this was my home. The stage and being an idol is what I was meant to do with my life.

The last bit of music played, and we went to sit in layers. Tall people standing up in the back, final seven in chairs, the others on the ground. My lungs! Fam! They were on literal fire!

“Korea! Give a round of applause for your deities!” Dabit said. “And introducing your judges!”

I joined arms with Sugawara and Sooja since we were assigned to helping her to her seat at the table. She was in a lacy navy blue crop top with a collar and navy blue wide leg pants. Her red lipstick had been made a maroon for the day and her lids shimmered. She smiled at both of us and blew us kisses as we let her go.

I caught it and put it between my hands as I bowed to her. Then the music ended.

Dabit spoke above the fading music, “Welcome, viewers, to the Deify finale. As you saw from today’s alternate opening, the name for the group your final five will be in has been revealed. Whichever immortal beings have won your ultimate favor will become part of the group Dei5.”

The name showed on screen glittering and I was so close to belonging in that group. All of us were. However, there were seven of us left and five spots.

“Let’s meet your final seven deities!”

We were elevated one by one above the masses. Smiles on our faces and hope in our hearts. Then the judges were introduced by their names as they wore their finest clothing. They danced and bowed as the other contestants were led off stage.

“Tonight’s a night of fun, celebrating the old and the new with over 15 amazing performances including your fan favorites. So stick around as we build up to the unveiling of who makes it to the Heavens and who falls down to earth.”

I tilted my head, “Please don’t say fall down while we’re up here.” I murmured to myself.

Commercial break. We were lowered and headed backstage to change. Our solo outfits were the deified versions of what we originally wore for that number. For me, it was going to be a collared dress that was a holographic with a holographic corset and black shorts underneath. I also had on pink wedges with clear heels filled with glitter along with rainbow glitter stockings.

Hallakgungi was up first, wearing a pair of checkered slacks and a loose half black and half white shirt while Sooja was there in a black one shoulder top and tight black pants with white stripes on them. They had similar hairstyles, but Halla’s hair was braided on one side. They weren’t about to bring back the other celebs for this to perform, but they were in the audience. Sooja’s voice had a slight husk in it, so that’s probably why Hyojoon asked her.

I loved their chemistry.

Hyojoon had some blue ribbon tied into his hair as he performed this. It was great to see them having fun. When Aphrodite was up next singing her song, she was in sparkling leggings and a matching zip up and a yellow fur coat. Like the true insta baddie she was. She was so great as a performer.

“Oh, Freedom is _mi-ine_ and I know what I mean / It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me / It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, and I’m feeling good~~~” She gazed out into the audience, “I’m feeling gooooood.” Imani giggled. “Thank you!”

When she came back, she hugged me and told me to break a leg as she went to go change into her hanbok. I wasn’t even up next. That was Matthew dressed as a sailor singing “Anything Goes” Some chats were seen, tweets and such and they all said he looked really sexy with his new haircut.

I was nervous as my number got closer and closer. After Matt was Gina who did a duet with Nawoo of “Sunrise” and then had to do a quick change to do a dance number with Gina, Jun, Hallakgungi, and Alice. The song they created a 90 second routine for was 4Minute’s “What’s Your Name” in lots of leopard print.

Then it was my turn. My staff had a rainbow rose on it that I rubbed for good luck. We were still on commercial break, so I got my dancers to all pile our hands in the middle. “One, two, three”

“STRUT!” We cheered and then got into our places.

I felt the audience’s energy. My backup dancers were in holographic Victorian vests with a solid white dress shirt underneath and tight white pants with holographic accents. It was super fun and cool to be doing this, so close to the end of this part in my life. We had taken our final Korean test two days ago. I wasn’t sure I did that well, but that didn’t matter now.

“I’ll be your mirror.” I made fierce eye contact with the camera in front of me. “Darling let your hair down.” Then I did some sensual hip thrusts while moving my stick in a similar motion and winked. “Show me what you’re workin’ with and let me see you struuuUUUTTT, oooh yeaa!”

Then I synced up with the other dancers and did the choreo. I had turned up the sex appeal so that I wouldn’t just look like pastel tinfoil. If I were watching me, I would have been trying to look at my shoes and how the glitter mixed.

“STRUT!” I said as two angel wings showed up on the screen behind me. They were supposed to look like they were coming out of my back as I smiled and tried to catch my breath. Then I bowed to thank everyone because I couldn’t really speak right then.

“Wow, Iris.” Suga said. “You are my favorite. There’s no use hiding this fact anymore after you’ve grown week after week. You’ve also been taking weekly acting classes while doing this competition, haven’t you?”

“Yes, I have.” I replied, trying to hear over my heartbeat.

“You’re an idol through and through. I true idol. I really hope Korea knows that and you make the final group. I really need some Iris merchandise.” He laughed.

I giggled. Wow. I was speechless, so I bowed.

Sugawara blew me a kiss, “Just beautiful. I love how you did a remixed version to show off your new and improved dance skills. You’ve grown the most when it comes to dance, and just…I have no more to say. You’re amazing and I agree with Suga. Perfect idol.”

Aqua spoke next, “Gorl. The fans love to hate you, but I’ve been keeping track of some usernames here and there. You’ve turned a lot of haters into your biggest fans!”

People cheered and I smiled.

“And…this is from me, not SNS, The way you’ve taken these comments every week, good or bad, you’ve taken them as criticism and used them to better yourself. Not just basking in the praise and ignoring the negative or wallowing in hate. You’ve used it as your motivation. I’m proud of you.”

“So proud. Yes.” Yujin said. “I might go as far to say I fell for you during these weeks.”

I rolled my eyes with a slight smile. No shit.

“But really. You really have grown so much in a short period of time. I know you deserve to be in the final five. I hope Korea sees it too, and I also agree with Suga. I would love an Iris plush doll to give to my daughter…and maybe one for me.”

Everyone giggled and laughed until PD looked at me and leaned forward, “You know you’ll get a lot of hate if you beat out the Korean competitors, right?”

I nodded and put the microphone to my lips, “I’d rather be hated for my talent than my skin color.” I replied. “I also know there’s more love than hate in the world, so even if people do dislike me for dumb reasons there are a million people proving them wrong.”

He grinned, “So you know there’s a big storm headed your way?”

“I’m a big storm as well.”

The crowd cheered at my conviction. Then Dabit asked me what I’d do if I didn’t make the final group. I said that I would try to get back into acting or publish a book or two. He simply said he looked forward to my future and asked me to head backstage.

“Thank you!” I said and waved to the audience, thanking them as well. “I wouldn’t be here without you!”

Then I went backstage to change into my second outfit. James and Imani were already dressed. Imani’s hanbok was a knee high metallic rose gold skirt and a white top part. Versace robe for James with white gold tank top and black pants.

We had thought about matching the guys exactly but decided it was best for us to rep our deity first. Also, Imani and I didn’t wanna rub anyone the wrong way by not wearing the dress version.

My hanbok was longer–like the traditional length–and had rainbow sleeves. The skirt was red, referencing Hobi’s outfit and because red was my favorite color. Imani handed me my ㄸ fan. I spread it as sassily as I could. Nawoo was performing and my hair was being put into two puffs. The moment the hairband was let go, I was being rushed on stage.

The music began, and we put our fan tips together, “땡!”

We began bouncing all over the stage and felt the audience’s excitement. James and I crouched as Imani started it off with, “일팔 일삼 삼팔 땡 / U wrong me right 잘 봐 땡 / 학교종 울려라 brr brr 땡 / 야 이번 생은 글렀어 넌 땡”

I kept my fan closed as I swagged out, “힙합? 땡 Rap style? 땡 걍 랩퍼, 땡 방탄=땡 / But 현실, bang Worldwide, bang / 차트 위 bang bang, 땡 / Got money, woo AP, woo 좋은 집, woo 누군가의 dream life, woo.” I crouched and opened my fan making sure to make eye contact with the fans in the audience, smirking at the ones who were rapping along. I stood up on the last line, “못 풀면 네 문제는, 땡”

James and the audience did the chorus together. I wondered for a moment what the crowd and judges were thinking especially with me rapping again. It’s not what I wanted to do in the long run, but for a fun performance like this, of course!

I got to touch fans’ hands as I did the chorus and then James went into God mode and literally went off! Imani and I did adlibs in the background. She was wearing rose gold glasses to match her outfit as well.

“작은 회사 친구들아 너네가 곧 대기업이 되길 / 우린 앞으로 바람대로 또 망할테니 / 계속 걱정해주길 끗” He motioned to me and my girl.

Maybe I raised my hand to flip him off but decided to give him a heart instead. Imani just rolled her eyes and waited for her part to come in. We jumped and had the crowd sing along. This was my fave part cuz we did some of the JustJerk Academy choreo to it.

For now, I was facing her standing while James posed like a frog on the ground making sure he had the fan facing the right way. I made sure I did too. He soon stood and we walked closer to Imani and then went down at the same time, but I made sure I made a sign to the audience to cover their ears.

“야 이번 생은 글렀어 넌 땡.”

We all opened our fans in unison, and they spelled out 땡 when put together. The camera did a close up of them as cannons went off, showering custom made hwatu cards on everything. After a moment of catching our breaths, we broke character and hugged each other.

“Vote 땡!” Aphrodite yelled into the mic.

And then off the stage it was. We went to the screen to hear the judges’ thoughts on it. They said it was great to see the diversity BTS had brought and inspired come full circle or something like that. Suga was asked about how he thought James did.

“It was like looking into a mirror,” the idol rapper responded, getting some laughs. “He did very well. As expected.”

James was pumped, kissed our cheeks, and went to change. Imani hugged me as we listened to the rest of the comments. Bang PD-nim said he half expected V to come out of nowhere and join us on stage. We held hands on the way to our costume change.

She pulled me back for a moment, “Don’t tell anyone, but I think you’re gonna beat out Yuhwa. Like, I’m sure you’re going to make it to the final group.”

“How do you know?”

“I wasn’t told by anyone. I just know you are the one that deserves it the most. I just said not to tell anyone, because I don’t want anyone thinking I actually support you.” She played coy.

I laughed and hugged her. Then we got dressed in our girl group dance outfits. We were all giggling and pretending to bite each other. This would be the most ridiculous dance and we were so glad Sugawara had teamed up with Mina Miyoung to get this done in such a short time. We literally stayed up around 30 hours to learn this.

The fans wanted something cuter from us girls because we seemed so powerful all the time and apparently were too intimidating. So we were gonna give them what they wanted…sorta…for a second. Lyssa, Sooja, and Jun were the only ones who still had to get ready before the girl’s performance.

I was done getting ready by the time Sooja got back there. Tristan was up next in jeans and a white tee and a red scarf.

This time, the screen was working as well as the fog and petals. I stood in front of the monitor to watch Haemosu stand in front of the Druid for Hire inspired animation performing his perfected falsetto. Apparently, this was what that scene between me and Hallakgungi was for two days ago. It was something we did during our hang out at the plant nursery. Tristan must’ve said something to the crew that was with us for the day.

I giggled and looked at Hyojoon.

Soon enough, Tristan’s outfit lit up and he literally became light. I gasped. He was almost blinding until it calmed down and he sand his “la la la”s PD did Hades’s part. Everyone applauded and cheered and Tristan walked forward to get his last comments.

“I can’t believe I’m crying for the same song two weeks in a row.” Yujin said, wiping his face with his handkerchief from his raspberry colored suit. 

“So how does it feel singing on this stage for the last time?” Aqwa asked.

“I’m this close to being like Yujin hyung.” He held his fingers two centimeters apart. “I’ve made so many friends, connections, and I just don’t want it to be over.” His voice cracked on the last word. Tristan cleared his throat. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. It’s a bit heartbreaking if you gotta leave your family.” Suga said. “But, I’m sure you’ll do fine.”

Then he came backstage. We touched hands and I got into an empty swimming pool. We were in shark onesies that matched whatever our color was. I was a pink shark. We were trying not to giggle for too long. Then we went to stage, walking to make sure we stayed in the middle of the pool that would open like a vertical suitcase.

We stayed hidden for about 5 minutes before we got a 1 minute warning and then a deep breath before “Baby Shark” played. We all did some cute wiggles, using the step stool inside to show our sharky cute faces before ducking down again. Then they opened. The crowd thought we were soooo cuteeeee.

Then the beat changed, and we unzipped our outfits to become sexy sharks. We were all in different types of outfits. It was the Remix God Suede version and original choreography. We were jamming out and working it with our safety shorts. Imani was in pants, and Jun was in actual shorts so they didn’t need the extra layer. The rest of us were in skirts and dresses. Then it was over and we did our ending poses. For me, that was a heart with Yuhwa. We were all smiles and laughed as we caught our breath.

We all bowed and hugged each other. It was my last performance on this stage. My last time to show myself with all the friends I had made over the past couple of months. We all went backstage after a few questions.

Last outfit was a paneled powder pink dress where the inner panels were rainbow and metallic. We changed the sleeves of the original dress to match the rainbow metallic sheen and the torso to be less choppy but still very flowy. My shoes were pastel rainbow pumps, and rainbow rose clips were placed all throughout my hair which had been picked out to maximum floof.

I hugged the stylists and assistants, bowing deeply to the ones not into skinship, and thanked them for all their hard work. Assistants and all.

Kei beamed, “Talent knows talent, Iris. This isn’t going to be the last time we meet.”

“Let’s hope so.”

Ed pat my back, “The fans love you. I’m sure you’ll be successful even if you don’t get into the final five.”

“I’ll riot if I don’t get to style for you again. You’ve been a treasure.” Sirab said, hugging me.

I felt a hand slip into mine. It was Tristan in a white and golden suit. He squeezed my hand and fatigue was creeping into his excited and innocent smile.

“Let’s go, Iris-noona.”

I nodded and we went on stage to stand in our spots. We looked at one another, all dolled up and still out of breath for the most part. Lyssa was in a PG version of “female armor” that was black and gleaming, a black half cape cascading behind her. Hallakgungi was in a blue floral two piece with a white dress shirt underneath, looking as good as always.

Sporting a blue hanbok that looked like an ocean was Sooja with James in an Anubis mask atop his head and looking like the spitting image of his god. Only gold on his bottom lip and his bare arm covered golden hieroglyphics spelling out BigHit and his name and other things that made sense.

Jun was in a flowing hanfu that was green with blue and pink accents here and there. We were in our colors, dressed as our deities. The red light came on, and my head darted forward as we gave each others smiles and joined hands.

Countdown to ten and then Dabit said, “Welcome back to Deify! We have our final seven deities right behind me. Let’s meet them one last time on this show.”

He announced our names one by one, our animations showing behind us, and we were to do some sort of action after stepping onto our platform. Our trinkets were now a part of the animations. Mine was rainbow roses twirling and blossoming on a pink background. I blew kisses and gave hearts. Dabit told me to give the crowd a spin, and I did, revealing how fantastic my dress was.

The audience gasped at the magical transformation that only lasted a moment.

“In just a few seconds, I will announce the finalists in no particular order and their podium will go up. They will be one of the members of Dei5 which will debut in two years once they’ve honed their idol skills even more.” He turned to us. “Contestants, please let go of each others’ hands for your own safety and take a deep breath in…and out.”

We all let go and stood firm. Two of us would stay grounded. I prayed to any and all deities that it wouldn’t be me. That I would be flying high with the other four that would be chosen.

“The first member of Dei5 is…Lyssa, goddess of madness!”

Her podium lit up with a black lacy pattern as it rose. She gasped and was crying. Alice’s cape caught some air as she went up. So the main visual spot was filled. Because she was so talented but not skilled in everything, I believed that would be her spot.

I looked up at her, giving her an “I told you so” grin.

“Next Dei5 member is…Hallakgungi, god of flowery souls followed by Haemosu, god of sunlight!”

A spiraling vine went up Hallakgungi’s and gold glitter graced Haemosu’s podium. So a rap spot and an vocalist who could rap. Also, the meant Hallakgungi was probably the leader of Dei5. I’m sure he’d do a great job.

“And the first to be eliminated, I’m sad to say…is Anubis.”

The crowd that had been cheering just moments before, now booed the outcome. James was mad and disappointed at himself. I’m sure it wasn’t his fault though. Korea would never choose a black guy. I was probably next to walk out the door. The ones of us still on the ground grabbed his hand for a moment as he passed. Light change.

Dabit got a fist bump from him, “Anything you want to say to the Korean people?”

He nodded and grabbed the mic. “Thank you for helping me get this far. Rappers love to say they made it on their own, but I know I would’ve been long gone if it weren’t for my fans both Korean and international, so thank you.” Then he said in English. “I’m so blessed to the fans all over the world that supported me–mentors included–and this isn’t the last you’ve seen of me. Thank you so much.” His voice cracked.

Then he waved and bowed on the ground before going backstage. The judges’ were so neutral. Hard to read. Suga shook his head. He didn’t like this outcome, but it was hard to say goodbye to anyone at this point. It had to be done, though.

“The next member to join Dei5 is the one and only Iris, messenger goddess of rainbows!”

What? That was me! What did he say? I was going up. The judges got smaller. That meant. I glanced to my left and right and saw three other wet and smiling faces.

I-I made it! Everyone was smiling! The way the mood changed just by the mention of my name was stunning. I couldn’t see anything past my grateful tears that choked me up. Yujin gave me two thumbs up and mouthed “I knew you could do it!”

Dabit smiled, “The last deity to join the other four gods and goddesses of BigHits Dei5 was going to be either the indie goddess Yuhwa with a love for video games and the guitar or the genderfluid beauty that is Lan Caihe.”

Dabit looked behind him for a moment, taking his time to open the last envelope. Everything was silent, but with nervous mumbles. I gripped my dress since my hands were shaking.

“Without further ado, the final spot in Dei5 goes to…….” he opened the envelope, “Lan Caihe!”

He covered his mouth as musical notes danced on a dark and light green swirling podium. They really were going to change Korea with us. We were going to guide the country for the next couple of years. We just had to learn how to do it right.

“That means, Yuhwa, you are sadly not part of the final five and have been eliminated. Won’t you please come here?”

She nodded and got the mic, “First, I want to say congrats to all of you. I think you five will be the perfect deities to represent BigHit.” and then she faced the audience. “This opportunity meant a lot to me. I’m not going to throw any of these chances away. This is a platform to get me to an amazing idol life, so I’ll make sure to use it wisely.”

Yuhwa beamed, “Thank you to all those that voted for me. I’m sorry that I let you down.” She sniffled. “I promise I’ll make it up to you!”

She bowed low and left the stage.

Host Dabit quickly picked the mood up, “Congrats to Lyssa, Hallakgungi, Jun, Tristan, and Iris in becoming BigHit’s first ever co-ed group! Now it is now to announce BigHit’s second ever co-ed group…meet Heavensent.”

Heavensent? A video played and all the other contestants gathered around the bottom of the podiums as we were slightly lowed to only be slightly above them. They looked as clueless as we were. It was actually Heaven Scent but one word because we were the idols that smelled like heaven. 

It turned out Heavenscent was all 12 of us, a pantheon of deities creating the literal biggest k-pop group BigHit would ever have. We’d all been handpicked for a reason. Our audition videos had gone through several rounds of judging that we were unaware of to get us on the show in the first place. We hadn’t the faintest clue. Everyone hugged each other now that Dei5 was now among our friends once more.

But that wasn’t all. All “girls” and all “guys” would have their own subunits. We girls would have to be better than GLAM, be on our best behavior. It was clear that it was just away for future female idols under the company and to be active while the boys were serving.

So basically, we were Heavensent with 3 different subunits: Co-ed Dei5, Hexy Girls, and Hexy Boys. I looked at Jun and he winked. They had to have talked to him beforehand to put him in the Hexy Girls group.

“From the ethereal beings of Dei5 and all of here at BigHit Entertainment and all around the world, goodnight.”

We began singing along with “Born Singer” as the credits rolled. We just kept holding each other and kissed each other’s cheeks respectively. The five of us that were Dei5 grabbed hands and bowed and then were joined by the other seven. We bowed again. James and the other seven then lifted the final five onto their shoulders.

“Thank you!” We said in unison.

Confetti rained down and we were idols. Actual idols. Me. Iris. Idol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of Part 1. Part 2 will be coming soon! Follow [ iris-idol on tumblr](https://iris-idol.tumblr.com/) for more updates and story related extras!

**Author's Note:**

> Read the newest updates at [@iris-idol](https://iris-idol.tumblr.com/post/186890347797/iris-idol-masterlist) on tumblr!


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